Sociopath Community

I’m a little ugly 

Lmao had another panic attack last night but it wasn’t the same type of anxiety attack as the ones I normally have. Like the one I had four days ago I described a bit in this thread (tho there is a lot more to the mental hell of it than I could describe with words?) I touched on it a little or tried to at least 

but yeah this was a different kind of panic attack than that kind. They’re both really scary but they’re rooted in different things and the affect of the actual panic attack is less all encompassing and mentally terrifying and a little easier to dig myself out of 

this kind is just irrational fear based ptsd trigger response 

so whenever I have stomach problems I get like, massive panic attacks. Any sort of stomach problem. Because one of my earliest traumas involved nearly dying from a food born illness (botulism) so that was fun! 

And yeah I had years of an OCD type eating disorder that used to be considered EDNOS. Not sure if it’s diagnosed anymore (but it should be!!!!!) 

and it’s taken me a lot to overcome that and I still haven’t fully at 24 years old, this trauma occurred when I was 8 or 9 I can’t remember properly maybe younger but it was def around elementary school def no middle school cuz I went to a different school by then 

but yeah Um.... anyways... what was I saying lol 

Yeah I’m not fully better I had panic attacks as a child and would lay on the floor and just shake head to toe and like stare forward into nothing for an hour maybe three I don’t know 

I was dissociated from the mental hell I think while also experiencing the physical panic attack? I don’t know

but now like, when I get an attack from a trigger like say my stomach hurts really bad or I feel nauseated. The anxiety will take over me and I feel suddenly like I’ve just run a marathon like I’m cold sweat, panting but my body is freezing and tense, and my heart is just going fast and hard. And my chest starts to feel like ice? And my mind is running fast and I try to grab co from of the spinning wheel of thoughts like no No look at yourself. You’re just freaking out. But the thoughts continue to barge in like “UR GONNA DIE” and shit like that and I have to mentally like escape that room of thought entirely 

by distracting myself cuz if I don’t and I listen to that negative voice (which is very hard not to and not to give into it and not to listen and let more thoughts come and come and come) the attack will worsen and worsen symptomaticlalu until I’m just sent over the edge 

when these panic attacks happen sometimes I feel out of control. It’s hard to explain but it’s like I’ve lost control of my body because I’ve lost control of my thoughts too, they take over. And I feel scared that I’m going to kilo myself because those thoughts are there when the panic attacks come 

and it’s like “I know I can’t end this panic attack and I know I’m sick of having them” and the pain and mental hell of it is actually so impossible to bear, it truly feels impossible. To bear. You just wanna take tour own life right then and there. 

You just know it’s hopeless like, you’ll always have these attacks the rest of your life and you’re sitting there just wishing this diagnosis didn’t happen to you and the trauma didn’t happen to you, and you imagine a life of what you’d be like right now if none of it had and how healthy and happy and normal you’d be. And instead you’re just in this torturous hell called ptsd yeah? 

so you really think of ending it. It’s like “it’s all fucked now so might as well just end the suffering now.” The thing with ptsd is once the damage is done there is no undoing it. 

that’s the worst part is no matter how hard you work it’s not going to ever just go away. 

it’s, an incredibly isolating and, damaging, problem and I’ve watched what it takes from me and how it’s corroded my life and warped my mind my soul and painfully pushed me on the steps toward my own demise 

ptsd doesn’t have to be a death sentence though if you don’t want it to be and you can choose to live with it, and I remembered like, I don’t wanna die I had deciddd that already 

(this took years of therapy and healing to get to this place where I’m not suicidal naturally all the time anymore) 

though I might have thoughts of it in a bout of depression sometimes (not with every bout tho now so that’s good!) and with a panic attack (not every panic attack either so that’s good) 

it’s just a thought ya know and tho it’s very valid the experience of having that thought it feels very very real and genuine 

you know deep down because of the previous healing I did a disposition changed in me where I innately do not want to die anymore 

and I didn’t use to have that. Whatever that is. A will to live I guess. I found my capability to have that and so since I have it does help me fight off those thoughts. 

Though like I said, it‘s very genuine in that moment my desire to die. 

its, an internal battle nonetheless but 

so that’s happening and running through tour mind while you’re trying to focus your thoughts and you’d breathing (which is really difficult bcuz ur not in control all the way yet) 

the panic attack does everything it can to make it worse again. Very rapidly. So it’s an emergent, constant management sort of deal. Of your body your thoughts your breathing your focus etc 

but using my meditations helped (I use an app called 7 days of calm, I click on the one called 7 days of calm and use track 2) for whatever ducking reason that does tend to work a lot of times for milder panic attacks 

just brings me down 

so I did that and sometimes I fall asleep during it because I’m breathing so deeply and focusing so much on my breath and I’m lying still with my eyes closed I just get kinda tired and pass our sally quickly lol 

which is the best thing I can do in that scenario because sleep is the ultimate panic attack reset button! If you can manage to knock yourself out very quickly that is excellent lol 

Because right now being conscious is just doing you no good. 

the other option is to take a lot of Benadryl or take a Benzo and go to sleep 

but yeah most of my panic attacks end in me passing out 

I guess because I just get so tired I dunno 

if it’s really really severe I will actually pass out like standing up 

or vomit once it becomes too much to physically handle 

I’ve done both of these things multiple times, in public. 

so that’s fun. 

But anyway, just a wonderful night with ptsd all because I felt sick to my stomach. 

this is why I’m still weird about food. I know what foods are safe and won’t make me have stomach pain or nausea and I just stick to it. People think I’m really weird for eating the same thing everyday. My ex girlfriend thought it was cute. I came into work every morning with coffee and a banana bread and she’d always be like “you wanna get your coffee and banana bread” talking to me like I was a cute 5 year old or something, it was endearing like, she loved that oddity about me maybe in a weird way?? But she didn’t know it was actually a neurosis 

it’s not impossible for me to venture outside my safe zones but it’s just difficult

so most days I just don’t want to spend the energy worrying about it and just do what I know so I don’t have to worry through out my day about what I ate. Because I will. For hours. In the back of my mind. 

sometimes I just don’t wanna deal with it, ya know? After 10 years you get a little tired of it lol 

so yeah. It affects me still, obviously like. There are still certain foods I just won’t eat or prefer not to eat blah blah blah the list goes on of just generally neurotic behaviors that I’m ashamed of but can’t control 

like I check the dates on everything. And I have to ask people when they give me things like, how old is this thing I’m about to eat, when did you buy it how did you prepare it what pan did you use like, it’s a true obsessive like issue but 

my dad gives me something and I’m like “you know I have to ask, how long ago did you order this.” Or “did you just buy this?”

“yes....” 

me: 

Ok good. you know I have to say it I’m sorry it’s annoying but you know I’m crazy. At least I eat at all.

there was a time when I really couldn’t do that lol it’s not funny idk why I said lol 

it was awful

But yeah so eating disorder panic attacks are much different from the other kind I get 

I guess because I have more experience dealing with this too like I know, how to talk myself out of it better

Write a book already, God damn

Blanc said: 

I was a lil teeny tiny bit sad last night but guess what, i got over it 

 

and managed to cheer myself up a bit

Moments like this are why you'll never make any progress towards yourself. 

I’m doing noting of moods in this thread

regulation. It’s a DBT therapy tactic

Great another morning ruined by the people I live with 

I wake up to loud banging noises which, makes me a little mad but I brush it off 

I’m in a generally good mood I got make my coffee and stare into space all spaced out like I normally do 

I just want to sit and enjoy a relaxing quiet morning sometimes 

my dad starts blasting red neck music. Not even joking. And I said “is this really what you want to hear when you first wake up?” (It was very bad song and it was very annoying ontop of it) 

he turned it off and we started talking. All three of us. Mom dad me. 

and by the end of the conversation I just felt really frustrated and misunderstood? Is the best word I can find to sum it up concisely but... 

I exasperate myself trying to communicate with people who are too stupid to understand anything I am even talking about... and my dad was telling me like how to be 

and that really pisses me off and I really wanted to say, “ain’t no man gonna tell me how to be” but that makes my mom mad because she thinks I am a lesbian which I am but it just triggers a homophobic argument like ARE U GAY 

and I didn’t feel like having that cuz that shit hurts 

and so I just told him to shove his opinion of me up his ass and that I didn’t give a shit 

It’s just like, the dynamic is really twisted because. I try my very best to do everything right for them and still it’s never enough and I can’t ever win necessarily like 

it’s to a point it’s impossible to achieve anything I want to have be understood or reach any sort of goal about what I want to communicate or what I would like to have be heard etc there is no room for me 

It’s forced into a situation where I have to oblige and be quiet and keep my head down and passively agree and submit myself and be subservient because there is no winning otherwise 

I am the bad guy no matter what I do even if my intentions are pure 

that’s the dynamic it just cant be a democratic relationship it is purely totalitarian and dictatorial and sometimes I forget and start to speak up and it just creates a mess which I have to clean up 

putting everything back in the order they’re comfortable with and me in my place the little yellow box in the back of the house! 

quiet, nonexistent. 

it’s the only way. Like... 

sometimes it just would be nice to be heard or seen. And I mean really heard. And really seen. 

but that isn’t possible 

their head is up their own ass, they’re not intelligent enough to have this perception, they don’t understand me and don’t want to, they’re right wing boomers. They’re ignorant. And they honestly, don’t care about me like that. I don’t think it’s even in their capacity to be that way toward me. Haha... and lastly they simply talk at me. 

They talk talk talk and I have to listen and I can’t say what I really think about any of it. And even if I did they won’t get it and it all entirely goes over their head and they just keep talking!! 

and yeah I got tired of being talked at. Talked AT not talked with. As they sat there and did their rambling. And so I just got up and left eventually because I got frustrated. 

I also broke my iPad after my dad was telling me who to be and how to be. 

instead of saying what I wanted to say I just picked up my iPad and walked over somewhere and slammed it down 

and it shattered the screen 

my laptop and iPad are now broken. My iPhone tho luckily is in one piece. 

my dad insights a lot of anger in me. No one can piss me off more than him. I’m dead serious like all my anger management stems from him and the abuse I’ve put up with. The emotional and physical torment and pain had just sent me over the edge. 

like to the point my mind actually snapped a bit and couldn’t handle reality anymore 

it’s judt a lot of stress and pressure here and I think that’s why I’m having frequent panic attacks and experiencing a lot of anxiety and then the cycle just repeats of 

getting angry then getting depressed or vs. and then depressed again and then anxious and then angry depressed anxious angry depressed anxious 

and it’s just like *cries in frustration* because there’s nothing I can do like I’m backed into a corner with this dynamic like I said there’s nothing I can do to fix this or to win 

so I just have to give up 

and they won’t just leave me the fuck alone 

it’s sad because I don’t want things to be that way but they unfortunately have to be ya know 

I’ve tried everything in my power to make this work and still ya know. It’s just I’m never good enough to them I’m always bad and flawed and ugh 

and I just can’t win 

hah.... *cries* 

it’s been years of this... 

but yeah so like my therapist said just let it go move on and do you boo boo 

which I would totally do rn but 1. I got fired and 2. Covid so it’s hard to get a job and not also die 

but my plan is to buy a house so that it can’t be something they can take away from me 

I’m not going to be doing any more apartments because I need the sanctity and peace of having certainty under my feet 

Also............... a tiny bit sad

bevause gay 

I need sad gay icee cream 

Suddenly lost interest in everything and I’m just going thru the motions of what I normally do until the feeling comes back 

temporarily feel a bit hollow though, in everything I do. its an odd sensation 

Blanc said:

I’m in a generally good mood I got make my coffee and stare into space all spaced out like I normally do