Everything sucks
Last night I almost had a panic attack I don’t know why
I was just listening to music on my phone and suddenly started tripping out like, I think a song triggered me and I didn’t even hear any songs with lyrics
So that’s odd but, possible. Oddly enough
hard to explain how it works. It’s like your mind starts having thoughts that trickle in, and it’s like fear and anxiety, feelings and thoughts just creep in like that slowly and then before you even have a chance to stop it, it’s too late and it’s like BAM there
and you’re in a whole different mind set (a panic attack) where everything is extremely irrational and you’re absolutely terrified of everything for no real reason
and you can’t get the fear and the panic to stop (with ease) but
I just like tried to keep focusing on other shit and doing grounding and breathing and all the other techniques my doc taught me and luckily was able to thwart that one
but if I wasn’t able to remain distracted and completely focused on what I was doing as a purposeful distraction- like if I can’t keep my focus on something else for a long enough period (or that just doesn’t work at all) then I will still be in it and it will continue to escalate
and then I start shaking and shit
and then I guess I was super exhausted from like staying up all night dealing with that and so I slept literally all day and was just so ducking tired (I’m usually really really drained after they happen and need to like remain really chill for the following days) as, when one happened more recently I’m actually more susceptible to it happening again more readily
so the next day when I finallt
did wake up I was in a comatose fog and everything was blurry and I was slidin my feet on the floor and like I accidentally slid into the wall and dragged myself along it and then like pulled myself off of it to get back on my feet sloppily
sometimes this happens to me where I wake up feeling as if I’m drunk and like uh... hard to explain the internal feeling but. Its like dissociation but not the scary kind, a different kind from all the other kinds I’ve talked about experiencing but I just feel really numb like when you get up from a dentis chair after them having numbed your whole mouth and drilled into it and then you touch your swollen cheek and can’t feel a thing like that’s how my whole body and face and head feel internally and externally it’s like I’m not feeling the sensation of being awake yet and I’m just in this auto off mode and I’m breathing really really slow and I’m really calm and spaced out like staring off into nothing and all I say when people talk to me in the kitchen while looking off into space or looking at the floor is “oh” or “mmm”
lol and then uh.... yeah I managed to be in an ok mood despite things... I just kind of took it easy. Part of me like wanted to do hyper shit like, I like fixing shit. It’s an OCD weird thing I have. Tinkering. But I like didn’t allow myself to do that because if I start then I can’t stop and I get like severe anxiety about it and get like manically into it until it’s perfect (and it’s never perfect) so I end up driving myself insane and literally that could easily let myself slip into another panic track after being more susceptible already contextually and everything
hard to explain how I know when I am susceptible and need to take it easy and when I’m feeling more normal. Though they can happen out of the blue and unexpectedly. But yeah some of the time I can just tell like based on an internal feeling when I am more likely and need to really be careful and not push myself.
bad mental health days. Basically.
I was depressed for three days because my gf broke up with me and then when I started trying to come around like then I have this shit pop up
and by this shit I mean panic attacks and ptsd
for whatever reason it’s been “ruling over me” the last two days like the way a really terrifying demonic cloud would just pop into your life and hang over your 24/7 and it’s just this dark scary thing
like it’s pure fear. If fear was a scent in the air. It’s be all over. And like you’re just super on edge. Edgy to the max. And you wanna just scream to make it stop but it’s no use like the fears still there it’s just worse if you make a fuss or like do anything too erratic
so I just have to like keep trying to stay chill but it’s hard like... it’s really hard. To keep myself from being pushed over to the edge from underlying buzz of anxiety to just full tilt in another dimension like stranger things shit like. I slip under so easily and I can feel that shit beneath my feet right there so close and it’s why I’m on edge
I have to keep reminding myself of all the things I do to cope and try not to let my mind start racing or getting ahead of me but it’s constant. On bad mental health days like
I have to cosntnatly
manage it
and I’m super tired from it
and the other day I was angry bout shit in my life but now there’s no room for that there’s no room for depression or sadness or anger because I’m completely consumed with tension and fear and the process of
keeping it at bay
I can’t focus on any of the other shit or focus on other thoughts or goals or activities I can’t focus on me or what I want to do
i have to baby sit this mental health condition torturing me for days on end
I have to limit caffeine intake and change what I eat and be careful what I watch and expose
muself to or who I listen to talk
and then after all that I’m still not feeling any better like I haven’t gotten anywhere with it I’m just keeping it at bay like I said
and so at night I wanna relax and let my mind drift but I can’t because I have to keep consciously distracting myself from my
own thoughts because none of them end up working out
like it starts one way and triggers into an anxiety thought so quickly and spirals our of control from there
so I can’t sleep despite being exhausted
and I’m just watching this yuzuru hanyu guy ice skate and try just to not think about anything at all because for some reason any thinmng right now is just too much for me
I think all of this started like two days ago obviously when I had a thought trickle in at the beginning that was negative but I will elaborate on that in a minute my hand is going numb one secind