Sociopath Community

Okee dokee so. Mood update, since I’m okay today I just kind of am going about my life as normal which is nice. I’m functioning and doing things I enjoy and talking to people (and be pleasant to be around) not staying inside etc. 

Without a second thought about it. Just, naturally, behaving. How I normally, should all the time. 

I had a few moments of peace in the morning while I was having my coffee (I didn’t wake up at 3pm though I did stay up quite late, couldn’t sleep) 

While everyone was outside hanging out in the woods. I got a chance to play around on the piano a bit and made a song. Drank more coffee and edited it. And then, I hung out in the pool with family. 

Went inside and ate lunch and, then sat outside while they were finishing lunch and I wrote down my dream while sitting out there on the hammock. It was peaceful. It’s like, perfect weather so I was just enjoying that. 

Oh and I filmed a video of my nephew and sent it to family and of course told everyone happy Mother’s Day to all the moms in my life through out the day, called my grandma etc. 

So yeah, things are normal today thankfully. Hah. After I post the song I made I’ll probably clean up a little, do some laundry. Take a shower. The usual. 

I wish I had a blunt to look forward to this evening while I chill watching a movie. That would be perf 

Last night I ended up working on my second bedroom and cleaning up before I took a shower 

and then I took my dreads out 

which took like four hours I’m pretty sure maybe six idk 

went to sleep at 5am cuz I couldn’t sleep 

- 

dis morning don’t remember my dream I forgot it. I woke up really suddenly to my dad making a noise at 9am 

I went in the kitchen to make coffee and, now I’m drinking it. 

cheers. Lol

i feel mood wise very normal still. 

 Oh I forgot to mention yesterday morning I woke up shaking again. Happens all the time but yeah. 

this morning I didn’t have any weirdness upon waking up 

After lunch I took a nap woke up around 4ish idk 

I uh.... .... woke up with my arms feeling like lead and they were dangling loosely from my body as if they were out of socket they very heavy and loose a very odd sensation 

they weren’t like coordinating properly with the way I was walking like they should normally there was no reflexive muscular like strength they just dangled loosely as if they were not attached 

it took a while for them to come back to normal I just ate something and drank a lot of water and coffee and it went away 

And I had a depressed thought while I was drinking the water “I hate myself” came through my head like a quick... flash of light and then it was gone but... I briefly felt down and sort of almost got depressed by it 

and then I just kind of chose to ignore it but that feeling of pointlessness and meaningless and hopelessness started encroaching like darkness around me 

I don’t really know why it’s like I’m just doing something normal and suddenly I get taken out of that moment and am in an upside down world like stranger things and I can’t change it back to normal 

but I brushed it off sort of and just naturally put my mind elsewhere I’m applying for an online job because it pays really good and 

that gives me hope because I like money 

but um I just feel lackadaisical and like I don’t care about anything and kind of just a little down for no Reason other than depression just makes u feel like that sometimes 

it’s like I know the illusion of depression is a lie but I can’t not see it and I can’t not feel the way it makes me feel 

I can ignore it with distraction and circumvent it with productivity and accomplishment and other mood boosting things etc but 

Yeah I think I’m going to like try to rejuvenate and take care of myself a little to boost my mood do self care really helps I need to love myself that’s v important for my happiness 

and I guess I’m going to sit outside by the pool and tan and.... probably fall asleep in the hammock cuz I feel tired but yeah I like putting coco oil all over my body 

might get on the boat and just float for a bit idk 

I had a dream last night about a shark speaking of floating in the water lol I had this shark and didn’t know what to do with it so I went to these professional shark people and handed it to them 

very weird but anyways that’s all I can remember 

what I wanted to say is that overcoming depression is not just a matter of doing things that make you feel better it goes much deeper than that and that’s why I highly recommend residential treatment at a really high quality facility and then out patient with really good quality doctors that understand u and u click with. Also taking care of ur health is a big part of it too so 

like what I’m saying is like this whole self care thing I do when I’m not feeling 100% is just a habit I have in place after years of practice and treatment and building myself up mentally to the place where doing such a thing is even possible 

you can get to a place where it’s more manageable but if I hadn’t done all the work of inpatient and outpatient I wouldn’t be able to do that being fully honest and I’d be very stuck 

because I had to find core things like sense of self worth for example and like really grow that and ground myself in that and develop like a confidence and an innate value in myself and an innate value in being alive and a will to live before I could start implementing the habits properly of like self care or accomplishing things and coping with the depression was harder much harder before you have those key like building blocks 

so yeah I understand if it’s hard like to do these things and don’t read this and think well if this doesn’t help me then I’m screwed nah there is help for everyone it’s just a process and you have to be willing to take part in it and just reward yourself for doing what you can 

even if it’s really simple stuff like oh I made it to my appointment today etc ya know 

Everyone has their own journey with mental health and depression so yeah just take it easy don’t stress trust the process

My dog is sitting on the lay out chairs next to mine you know the kind you sun tan on 

he is truely mans best friend lol 

hes just being all cool and casual like he looks like 😎 

 
https://imgix.bustle.com/uploads/image/2018/2/1/605be3c8-3d1f-4eb3-af60-094d84c16bbd-00242109-01.jpg?w=646&fit=max&auto=format%2Ccompress&cs=srgb&q=70 

this was the coco oil I’m talking bout they have a few diff scents they’re all really bomb

i mean there’s tons of tanning oils and shit out there that smell good they’re all great I’m into them so if u have recommends gimme

i love rubbing shit on my skin. Face or body. I don’t know why just something bout it is enjoyable to me personally so I’m a fan of that type of product so like if u know good shit just hmu

thats my ish I’ve been into it lately cuz it’s summer now I guess 

in winter I’m more into lip shit and uh face moisterizing things and bath bubbles 

essential oils and candles too... they really set the mood omg I miss my old bathroom lmao 

but not really cuz we’re renovating my bathroom in this house rn and the tub is better in this one I’m just gonna have to tell them to put a dimmer on the light cuz that was the part I liked about it 

i deciddd to get in the hot tub and 

damn I’m getting so sleepy Out here i might fall asleep outside like the fresh air just feels so much better than being inside I don’t wanna go back in to fall asleep I wanna sleep out here in the hammock but then I also wanna be in the hot tub so I’m just conflicted 

I was thinking about fishing but lmao like I could just fish in animal crossing and then I don’t have to disrupt the day of real fish like I feel like it’s a fucked up thing to do I dunno 

it’s like perf weather out rn tho like I would play sports in this weather etc it’s readily good weather 

and the sun is setting but I’m so tired I just wanna fall asleep

I fell asleep and woke up sleepy at 10pm

i dunno why but lately the coffee stopped tasting as good I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong or if I’m just getting tired of it 

I dunno it just doesn’t taste right even tho I’m doing nothing different 

earlier I tried adding less soy And it made it worse so this time I’m gonna try adding more 

I feel That weird feeling I feel sometimes in the mornings where I feel numb and like it’s so hard to describe but yeah it just feels like I can’t feel anything and kind of dopey and droopy and uh.:. Sluggish 

it’s to the point that I walked by my mom and she said what is wrong? And she never asks that. And I’m like huh what. And she said I was walking slow and weird. And I said I was? And she said you look somber. I don’t feel emotionally upset or depressed I just feel like buzzed and numb and almost like drugged lol 

but I def didn’t think I was walking too slow or weirdly but I guess I look as fucked up as I feel 

cuz my parents don’t notice much or like ask me what’s wrong ever lol so it must be really obvious which is interesting cuz I didn’t know ppl could see it 

Okay so Um I gotta figure something out man I’m tired of being like this 

the whole problem of waking up in the morning feeling like shit 

today it was so bad I felt like I might pass out or just stop breathing like I felt like I couldn’t get enough oxygen 

i rhink it is severe anemia 

so im gonna call my doctor (functional med) and kind of like say I’m concerned and need to get my meds shipped to me ASAP because I ran out 

and I’m like genuinely a little scared like I dunno I felt like if I didn’t eat something and that didn’t work I would have to maybe go to the hospital cuz I felt so bad like something just is not right 

I shouldn’t be feeling like this every time I wake up either shaking or about to pass out 

I get shaky when I don’t eat too 

but yeah it’s like I ate a bunch of shit trying to make it better but I don’t know if it really helps because I did the same thing earlier and I felt better but then I pass out and wake up in the same situation 

so it’s like I’m not getting anywhere I’m just constantly at baseline cuz my body is not metabolically absorbing the nutrients and turning it into lasting important molecules I’m just running on steam basically, constantly 

 doesn’t work long term. So I’m just worried bout it 

and then I have to drink a shit ton of coffee eat sodium carbs and natural sugars and protein and then my heart feels weird like it’s beating kind of fast and hard feeling 

I was feeling palpitations earlier but I think it was anxiety that I couldn’t breathe 

I dunno what’s going on but like I can’t technically get blood work done if I don’t wanna go in a lab but being a certified phlebotomist maybe they’ll send me stuff and I can do it myself because something is seriously wrong and I wanna cry because I’m nervous about it 

this anemia issue is like ruining my life if I really think about it and like I’ve just been used to it but now it’s getting worse I think 

I don’t know what I need but I feel like my body needs a lot of shit to be like corrected and it will take time to improve but yeah I’m just gonna call her and tell her what’s been happening and I’m worried bout these symptoms 

I ran out of a lot of my medications and I just didn’t get them filled since I moved home because my dad gets mad when I mention it to him because it is expensive I thought meh I can live without it I’ll be fine but I don’t know if can

ao I’m gonna tell her I need my meds shipped to me like asap cuz I think my iron is dangerously low 

Yikes I hope I start feeling better soon :( 

(after all that food and coffee I’m still tired, as I have been all day. It’s a nonstop cycle of fatigue.) 

:/ I just wanna feel better and it’s hard to explain but I have no energy so the lethargy is something I’m used to be it would be nice to feel more weightless like normal people feel and to feel like I can finally breath 

I can’t breath like, I’m always tired, I’m sleeping so much, food doesn’t help, coffee doesn’t help like 

I wake up feeling like I’m not getting enough air and feeling like I might literally fall over and pass out it’s scary 

I drink the coffee just to feel remotely close to normal, not to get like amped. It sucks I don’t want this anymore 

pls get better for real 

that’s what imma ask her like I don’t wanna just he getting by I wanna get better

its just frustrating and scary to wake up as tired as you felt when you went to sleep 

all the time

I was also thinking about biting the bullet and finally getting contacts because its frustrating af not being able to see and glasses are frustrating on so many levels 

i still feel kinda fucking... out of it from being tired/numb/buzzed/lethargic so i still feel weird-ish but just less weird idk i just wanna wake up feeling normal so 

I’m gonna chill, sleep, hopefully wake up feeling better, probably won’t but I’ll call my doc in the AM I’ll put a reminder to make sure I do 

god damn lol 

last night i got mildly depressed mood for a moment and i wrote something on my blog called "the vanishing effect" then i fell asleep 

woke up feeling normal, unfortunately tho my sleep schedule is now rekt 

i fell asleep at 5am and woke up at 10ish 

i'm doing a face mask now and i wanted to post some shit so i'm doing that and uh... drinking cofffee

i feel mildly frustrated in a lacadasical like "oh well" way about the fact that like people don't really understand each other at all 

my dad literally said to me the other day in the kitchen he was like "its funny how you can live with someone your entiire life and not understand them at all." and he ranted bout how he understood his friend lke the back of his hand, but me however- he couldn't, and never would. 

he told me this while i made my morning coffee. and im just like, "thanks dad." lol

anyways uh, yeah i mean, it's true tho lke, i looked at social media and like... its hard to explain but like, no one really gets each other some people get each other better than others and thats why they attract into like bonds of certain types but yeah its just hard 

there is like a lot of disconnect going on. even from our own selves. 

and thats frustrating too, of course. because you dont even realize its happenig sometimes but its affecting you and you dont even know its why, and that u should fix it. and then if u do realize there is a problem in ur life, u dont know how to fix it. its not like there is an instruction manual. 

and then whilst people go through various things like this, other people are unable to see that they are going through that at the time, and judge them. because they don't understand. and there we have, disconnect. 

- 

ih and I forgot to mention this morning I woke up feeling numb and out of it again. Not as severe as other times but yeah it was there. It’s like normally when I blink you can feel the sensation of yourself blinking you can feel the sensation of breath coming in and out of your nose and your skin feels the air while you move, you feel your muscles contracting in your legs as you walk 

but when I’m numb like I don’t feel these sensations as much and my head feels like the feeling of an airplane taking off or the inside of a wind tunnel and I just feel like I’m a fog or something like 

My mind is just void completely void as I stare into nothing lol

(Last nights blog)

"I've gotten a lot of clean time. Wow. I can’t believe that’s me" 

The vanishing effect 

You may find yourself wondering- where did I go?

When you’re in active addiction there is this strange possession that takes place, where you lose your mind. No- literally you lose touch within yourself- to your own, conscious self. It’s not a figure of speech to say the addiction has taken over. It’s a phenomenon that really does occur.

That’s what’s missing, when it comes to trying to get people who have never used before or never had a mental illness of any sort- to understand, why addicts are the way they are- why they did the things they did, and why they seem like a completely different person when in addiction vs. out of it

I myself don’t even understand this phenomenon having experienced it myself. I don’t know what happened, or how it happened. It’s as if you skip into a coma without even knowing it, and when you wake up- you have no idea- what even happened.

I struggle to remember now, the thought processes I had or the motivations behind majority of my decisions. I don’t even know who I was at this time of active addiction looking back at myself. I don’t know where “I” went but I feel as if “I” was not there.

But I was. I just don’t remember it.

The entire experience is like being in a fog, where you’re just following autonomic reactions and muscle memory and have no conscious, recognition of that. It’s like being brain washed or hipnotized or almost like sleep walking.

You don’t realize it at the time but, 24/7 your thoughts and around are all leading up to one thing- and everything else, is just a by stander to that one important thing. You think that it’s not “everything” and you don’t recognize that your life surrounds it. But you still are following all the steps to make it the center of your life, you just can’t admit that, because you don’t even see it that way.

You think you are just a normal person, who uses xyz substance(s) and there are many rationalizations that take place to make it all seem justifiable, normal, and not seem too out of place. Certainly not like- a problem.

It’s beyond denial, it’s obliviousness that you have no control over. You’re mentally gone, the illness that is addiction has taken over, and you’re not really you anymore. The sickness is apparent to everyone but you.

Why is it that after you go through all of this it feels as though the you that you were vanished. It’s because the mental patterns you were stuck in, your neurochemistry, has structurally changed. Your mind is not in the same state that it is now. So I’m essence the you , that you were, vanishes. And you can’t remember, what it was like to be them- because you’re not them anymore. You’re not able to make the same “sick minded” rationalizations and have it make sense like it did then.