Sociopath Community

Blanc said: 

Mom is finally ordering my goddamn meds

i feel near dead 

Can't take the withdrawal huh? 

Ahh... the life of a junkie. 

I got *some* meds to keep me off the brink of death but it’s not the ones I normally i take and am prescribed and, its not like, all of it. 

It helped me feel less like i was dying tho, still strugglin but, better than nothing for the time being. 

I... been researching more about OSDD because i had a dramatic shift. And what i was researching got me thinking like, what the fuck caused this- i dont know. Will i ever have a full, oversight of all of this- probably not. 

My mom said the last few days I’d been acting “whacky” and “not like myself” and I’m like, how so??? And i tried to get her to explain but she didn’t adhere to the conversation focus wise. I guess it’s hard to explain it to someone who can’t even see themselves. 

Anyway, I don’t know how I look to other people. But, in an attempt to gain insight I tried to dig into my past a little and reflect on like- identity and roles, over my entire life (what I can remember? Anyway) 

And that was insightful I think, slightly... because I could map like, how fragmented I appeared to be but- for me that was always normal. But then over the years, ( I drew it out like a map), chronologically, i get consecutively less fragmented. (To my knowledge) 

I don’t know how much is in the dark for me, will i ever, is it important that i do- i don’t know. That will come when its time i suppose. 

But, from what I *can* see, I *think* that, it appears there has been some, fusion, and integration over the years. 

And there is a consistency of the number 5. Like, in every phase of my life, there is always 5 parts. That have specific identity roles. 

To a certain degree, in life- this is normal. it’s talked about in sociology, and developmental psychology. (Ironically). So, it makes sense to have many roles or seemingly, fragments of personality in early life, that form one being. 

But for those with trauma, they remain splayed out. And develop into their own separate but equally autonomous, unique, parts. With Individuality, personality. 

And when I map out my life and my identity roles, I can see the continuation of certain parts- from very early childhood, all the way forward- and the role they played for me in functioning, in my life... 

It gave me a lot of clearity as to why they are even there, and why i am the way I am. The origin and purpose of, my, fragmented identity. 

I still wish I had a video tape where I could see whatever my psychiatrist saw that said he thought I had DID- due to me switching during the session and dissociating- he said I was talking differently... like he saw it. 

I remember feeling like my voice was changing around and like I had no control over it. So I’m just trying to understand. 

I think that for me, the way in which they have all formed is very, seemingly whole. AKA, I have a lot of “ANP’s” “apparently normal parts” who all- could equally be, a host. Easily. And I also have pretty much 99.9% of the time, full consciousness- there is not a lot of amnesia going on (to my knowledge lol) which makes that automatically an OSDD or DDNOS diagnosis- what type, who knows. 

But anyway yeah... because there is not a *lot* of gap in memory (there is still some though?) 

Like for instance Tryp recalls that we went to “dinner” or something or lunch IDK at a restaraunt, and walked around a lake afterward- and he said I seemed kind of “out of it” and “not like myself” during it, and i have *zero* ,memory of this. He didn’t know I didn’t *remember* until it came up, that we went there. And he was just recalling the memory and I was like what?? And I haven’t been able for the life of me to remember that. I don’t remember a single thing, to me, it’s as if he’s making up that happened. I just simply, don’t remember. 

And there are moments like this, that I can recall- only because of what happened *afterward* when I came out of it, the situation I found myself in as a result of the dissociation was confusing and jarring, and it was evident I *had* dissociated. But that is pretty rare, to my knowledge.... 

It did happen once at work really severely. And people consider me generally spacey... which, I’m not aware that I appear that way- but they think I am aware. I have no idea, I thought I’m behaving very normally so, whatever they’re seeing that’s making them define me that way, I don’t see it but. 

Yeah I do know for certain there was a moment where, I was standing at the cash register, and its like my head just went blank and I completely checked out of reality. Like a computer, and someone just, pulled the plug and shut off in a blink. 

I was standing there at the cash register, and then a woman came up to order If I can remember properly, and I remember thinking her face looked familiar- and I kinda like paused for 2 seconds completely lost in her features- i wasn’t able to like “snap out of it” and I couldn’t hear what she was ordering- I knew i was supposed to be listening but like, I couldn’t. And my brain was trying to connect the dots of like who this woman looked like- and then i guess from here i think i looked to my left like out of a large window (i do this a lot if i am dissociating like i look to the left or the right, usually out a window for some reason- and i just, drift off) and yeah at that point its jus tlike i went completely off. I have no idea where my consciousness went. It’s like nothing was there. 

I had no awareness, i had no sensation of my body, i had no conscious ability to even be aware that i was thinking or that i was a consciousness in thought, there was no inner head space or, visual or auditory thought. It was complete nothingness. Absolute- nothing. Like i went to sleep, and woke up. And nothing happened between. I don’t, know, where i went. 

But when i came back, i was still standing there looking out the window. And i kind of blinked a bit like coming back and then i heard my co-workers scrambling around me getting things and grabbing shit and talkign to customers for me, managing the line that piled up behind me in the time i was out. And one of the co=workers was frantically trying to open the cash register- which- they can’t do, only i had the code. And they were like screaming at me basically like “MARY. MARY. THE CODE. I NEED THE CODE.” And then I just slowly looked over at the line noticing everything had changed in the blink of an eye- from one woman standing in front of me to- her getting her stuff already and leaving and ten other people behind her and, more people sitting in the seats behind them in the restaraunt 

in the blink of an eye empty tables suddenly had people in them 

and i wondered how long I’d been standing there and i just slowly looked over at my co-worker, as one of them on the right shoved past my right shoulder grabbing something and was like “excuse me” not giving a damn i was out cold just trying to get shit to help the woman in front of me, and then my other co-worker on the left was like shoving me and saying my name a lot, and i looked at her, and she was like “there YOU ARE” 

and I’m like “wha-“ 

and she’s like, “put in the order” (she iddn’t know how) and I’m like “I didnt hear the order.... ok” *she turned around to make more coffees) and i just look at this guy like, “sorry can you say that for me one more time.. it was....” (acting like i heard the order when i didn’t) 

*still dissociating but trying to focus on the order* 

*me staring at the buttons like.... i just couldn’t, remember where anything was- though normally i, wouldnt’ have a hard time with that at all- the foggy state had me, unable to press the butons* 

Eventually i got it but it was much slower, normally i was like, autonomous with it. Very quick without even thinking about it. 

I genuinely felt like emotional like i was about to cry which, this happens sometimes after i dissociate like, its an emotionally vulnerable moment i dunno, and i wanted to just sit down on the floor with my knees to my chest like, thats what i felt like doing. And going to sleep. ( i get very tired after the exhilaration of like, blanking out) 

it’s like *total overdrive to the point of melt down at light speed* and overwhelm. And then all the sudden a crash. 

I dont know what happened but, it was particularly overwhelming in that, job and i think i just got overwhelmed and blanked out. Stress. 

I hate to admit that I have “alters” because it doesn’t feel that way, it just feels like it’s all, normal like. That’s just normal life to me but. I understand to others, it’s not. 

I used to desire total singularity and strived as hard as i could to create that illusion. It’s the reason i write in all caps in the same exact robotic font- as a way to mask the constant changes in handwriting. 

Because i find the lack of consistency in myself frustrating. I hate, it. In a way but. Understanding it’s origin i think will help me, hate it less and understand it more... why its all there. And to sort of be ok with it. 

I’ve seen the grouping of the number 5 now for, years- looking at the chronological map i made of myself and identity roles displayed over the years. I hate to admit that I’m not as whole as I often let on- 

due to having little amnesia it’s kind of easy to, do that, but- it’s definitely there. And also due to little amnesia barriers, it’s easy to think- maybe this isn’t OSDD. But whenever there is a switch or, an overt switch, then I go, “well then what the fuck was that.” 

I’ve tried to chalk it up to many different things... and I don’t truly understand ya know like, it could be- not OSDD somehow. 

But it’s just, the more resaarch I do the more I’m like, “oh- I do that.” Lol and like... it’s just becoming more apparent there has been this somewhat subtle- disorder, hiding. It’s not obvious because, despite the “personality” changes, I’m aware of most of them all at the same time, and we all share the same memory- 

so it’s not hard to pretend to be one or the other, and it’s not hard to buy something that “she would buy” or that “they would want later”.... blanc does this a lot. Like- blanc, doesn’t like shopping, or buying things. Repulsed by materialism, hell- is a mall, or a target. Or grocery shopping. Hates all of it. Would rather just buy drugs and junk food. But, for the sake of functioning in life- we’ve all found a way to adhere to a general routine that keeps things on track for all of us- and sort of make room for all of our desires. And compromises. 

So blanc, is a major ANP. They don’t have names (to my knowledge) but blanc does because of choosing to express themselves the most here- for whatever reason this is where blanc like, flourished. LOL so, the username, became the name, of blanc. But- originally the username of this website was just, a name i picked because- at the time, in regard to identity, i felt very blank, and nothing. 

This is because i was still in a state of dissociation from like, my name, the meaning of it, my history, my up bringing, my memory- a lot of that i was very out of touch with and things were very internally buried, even my own self, quite a lot of it. 

Blanc existed before this time, and was originally a huge part of who i was a lot of the time, but yeah... i dont really know like who “i” am, i just have lots of, “parts” and its kind of confusing.... 

but yeah um, blanc is like a mediator of, issues. Any issues.goig on internally or externally- usually. And when I’m alone, and on SC especially, blanc likes to Take that time to breathe and air themselves out. 

Because in daily life, blanc is suppressed a lot of the time and it’s annoying. So yeah. 

We’re all co-con for the most part I think but........ yeah...... lol i forgot what i was rambling about lol 

Anyways, here I’m going to share some videos of things i wanted to share because i need to stop being ashamed 

i kind of have hopes by talking about it more it will give me more oversight and control or insight but, probably not. Sometimes things are made to be that way and i just have to accept it. It would just help make it more clear there is something present like OSDD because otherwise its rather unclear, except for rare moments where its blatantly obvious. I still dont know fully why i even have, this going on. So yeah. I’m still very in the dark and have discovery to do. 

And there have been some moments where “alters” were talking that i had no control over, and those ones i dont know very well- they’re all co-con but, like, i dont know what the hell they are because they never front and i dont have intersystem communication, or an inner world like. But rare times, I’ve seen it happen and I’m like what the fuck was that 

my psychiatrist saw it apparently, i still have no idea what he saw i would like to know. He said i was talking in different accents and at one point i completely blanked out. But yeah uh.... 

anyways. Here’s some shit i wanted to talk about one sec (to be continued) 

This is the chronological map I’m talking about 

it won’t make sense to anyone but me most likely. 

But you’ll notice the groupings of five starting to form. 

The childhood is sectioned off because like the early years are really difficult for me to remember. So i don’t know.... recall is probably possible but i have to do a lot of like, digging mentally and i just didnt feel like it lol 

it’s hard, to like, remember stuff i can’t force myself to, it comes back in fragments and it either sticks or it doesn’t so like of what i do remember a lot of it is fragments that came back in shards over time 

but yeah. This represents presenting identity roles over time. In my life. 

And the side note about emotional fragments and black outs and other types of dissociation is to note that, this map does not include those moments- this is just strictly mapping out identity roles- not all experiences with dissociation 

and if you follow the line correctly you’ll start to notice the roles getting closer together and sort of becoming less like a star and more like a circle connecting to each other better 

that represents like, the dynamic of how it all starts to work together 

And then from there i tried to do a detailed map of the five parts and also talking about a few other emotional fragments, in more detail. Describing them and, i had also watched someone doing a video where they drew their uh, their inner world. 

And, i dont have much knowledge of an inner world other than a room with a door and inside wood floors total darkness anda candle in the center 

so thats fun 

but yeah uh, it was all mulling over in my head, the chronological map of alters, the inner world- the fact i have consciousness all at the same time, and the uh... complexity of how alters carry certain memories better than others but we all have access, its hard to explain but- some things are more distant than others- and what those things are varies depending on, who’s fronting. It’s subjective experience based on where you are physically in the head space, what memories you see best. 

And i just sat down and tried to draw that. Like, system- of what its like in my head and how it functions- and how the memories work, and the over all perspective of what it would look like to someone who was not *in my head* but merely observing it from a third party perspective 

and this is what it turned out looking like 

It was not planned for it to look like a galaxy. 

But, this makes sense to me. This is essentially what my head looks like and why i am able to have co-consciousness but at the same time, patchy memory- and- how my memories are stored. To my knowledge. 

You are merely a planet, or a dot, traveling through it, Viewing it, from inside. Each little speck you see- is a memory. Some are farther away and smaller in weight than others. 

And, the branches or the arms represent different areas, or territory of memory. 

And then at the center is where there is blackened memory, and young childhood memory- the origin of the system’s formation which, affected it’s entire growth but- its difficult to see into the black center. 

The scattering of dots, everywhere- the ability to see certain arms, all at the same time, represents the experience of the internal viewer (me) and the fact that, random access memory is happening a lot of the time. 

So things aren’t like evenly sectioned off like 

a) holds this area b) holds this area etc. 

it’s like, you are just a point traveling through all of it, and you see all of it at once- and sometimes, some things more up close and at the forefront or foreground, more clearly, etc, and other times- those things you once saw so clearly are, in the distance. You still know its there but, yeah, it can be very far away. 

And this changes all the time, because the way it’s organized- the memory- isn’t, organized by territory or section its scattered everywhere. Like dots. Like stars.

and uh, .... yeah. Lol you don’t travel linearly through it, you’re kind of like rotating around in there, and then of course because there are five alters, there are technically- five points happening all at the same time. 

Circulating around and through the structure, three dimensionally. The same way planets make elipse around each other or, the way atoms circulate around a nucleus in a three dimensional model. 

and thats how my head works 

@7:00 

this is what i mean when I’m talking about like the more “blatantly apparent switching” happens and then i’;m like “oh yeah i def have OSDD or something” because this has happened to me before. 

And i can really relate dawg. Lol 

so like after she switches out raven, i totally 100% understand what she’s feeling in that moment or (dokata) is feeling. I’m just kind of like.... oh god, that was embarrassing. *nervous laughs* why was i just doing all of that and now I’m not that person anymore oh god,.. oh no. Lol 

it’s just like that sudden shifting of gears is just really harsh so you’re just taking it in like oh man, llol. I was acting wild. 

I’ve been through that whole thing where you like droop down and then shake your head a bit and are like what the fuck was i saying

yeah..... lol. 

But most of the time it’s more like the the covert instead of the overt, and then we pretend to be one person or, each other, a lot of the time so. It’s all very inconspicuous. But *i notice* no one else can hardly tell. 

There are even examples of it in my old old footage i have of myself as a kid. For some reason- i decided to start filming myself when i was like 9 or 10. And there is footage of me switching on camera. I was embarrassed as a kid by this- because when i looked at the footage- i didn’t even *know* that i did that, in the film. But i did!!!! And it freaked me out. I was like wait what the fuck was that? And i would back it up and watch it over and over again. 

But now that I’m looking back on it, this weird like, twitch thing i was doing was LOL actually dissociation. It’s sort of like a record skips. And u have no memory if it, doing that. Like someone picked up the needle and then dropped it again, really quickly. In a split second. 

Anyways lol um.... yeah so next relatable video:::::: (one second,, gotta pull the next post)

@6:04 he does a really good job of explaining it but, he describes it as taking a back seat and, how it was like acting like a more sociable alter 

he’s basically talking about being more sociable than normal “all of a sudden” or just snapping and suddenly being more confrontational or bold with their actions. 

These are more rare, like i have to be under significant stress aka more than I’m used to, for it to happen- but it has happened.

These are the parts of myself i don’t understand as much, because they’re not like alters to me, i dont know them as people or individuals, i dont recognize them as part of a system or existing co-consciously within me, but they have all the same memories. 

But yeah uh, i dont know them. Let’s put it that way. But they have come out briefly- they’re not fully formed people, which is why i think they’re emotional fragments??? I dont know. But they serve really basic functions. 

So like (this is weird) but under extreme duress, oh god *starts dissociating* i have an “EFP” that uh... fuck i can’t talk about it without dissociating lol. Talks in fucking Spanish a million miles a minute. This is usually self defense, and it probably comes from years of trauma from a Spanish speaking person, in a Spanish speaking country. It most definitely draws back to that I’m almost certain so. This, person like, learned self defense- and started speaking Spanish for the purpose of that in a traumatic time- for survival 

and then when a similar situation happens, that kicks back in. And i go into that gear. And its like at that point i can’t be reasoned with. It’s like hell breaks loose and i dont care what i have to do, or what i have to say to protect myself but, i will do it. And it will be in fluent Spanish. Fluent Spanish. Lol 

And then ugh *dissociating out of that for a second* um.... another EFP that has a southern accent. And is extremely sociable and extroverted, and relatable and funny like he is talking about. 

I am so embarrassed but this but for documentations sake I’m getting it down because i don’t understand it. 

But after both of these EFP’s fronted well- it wasn’t fun. First of all, it was extreme duress and stress and trauma that brought them out, so it wasn’t like a positive triggering experience, it wasn’t fun, i was like, feeling sick from anxiety and overwhelm, etc. and on top of that, the dissociative process afterward is very laborious, the uh- the overt switch. Occurred after these ones fronted. 

And then it’s extremely exhausting. Like I’m running on pure adrenaline, and they’re all go go go and then when it’s out, I’m like- dead tired. For the rest of the day lol. 

And i just have this initial moment where, I’m talking normal again after the overt switch. I don’t remember what conversation we were having, apparently I’m in mid-sentence and i dont know why I’m not behaving like this anymore, or what that person was doing that just took over my life for a minute or why I’m not them anymore 

and its all very confusing. And I’m just kind of embarrassed like oh god.... lol what the fuck was that

but yeh i relate to this dude when he’s talking about the more sociable part. I def have one of those. Hah apparently. They can do things i can’t. 

Like, it’s like. Crazy. Idk how to describe it but its like i took a drug that made me limitless and I’m just like thinking so fast and so clear, and I’m able to be witty, and funny, and relatable, and carrying the whole conversation, the life of the party, like what the FUCK is that man 

and then all the sudden I’m like... uh... night night

I personally think after reading all this shit one thing  is for certain.

You have it really good.

ScionReborn said: 

I personally think after reading all this shit one thing  is for certain.

 

You have it really good.

 

 then why is the thread called pain?? 

Xadem said: 

ScionReborn said: 

I personally think after reading all this shit one thing  is for certain.

 

You have it really good.

 

 then why is the thread called pain?? 

 I mean jesus she lives in Florida has well off parents...has a bathroom remodel...still gripes because she doesn't know if she's really a nazi lazi sapiosexual or something else...