Sociopath Community

I feel like shit

absolute shit

*lying in puddle of depression* 

help lol 

My dog needed to go to the vet again today 

this is the second time in three month period he’s needed to go to the emergency vet 

too much to explain but I’m not sure what is the problem as of right now. I just hope he’s okay long term.

this is not a fun night for me. 😖

Aight so my dog is doing ok now, still monitoring him closely for a while to make sure all functions are normal ad everything and giving him lots of loves and cuddles and pampering and babying him and taking super duper good care fo him 

we think he may of eaten a fudge brownie and that is why he was acting weird 

either that or he may have epilepsy 

but we’re going to follow up and do a thorough investigation metabolic panel and all of that look at his trachea look at everything and make sure everything is 100% up to speed and no problems are going on 

But yeah. 

As far as my own health, i can walk again and have a lot more movement back so thats good. I just have to go easy on myself because, yeah, i pay the price physically later. Apparently. 

And I’ve been taking my meds and stuff so obviously that helped somewhat I think maybe but- it’s not the right ones exactly so, um, going to wait for those to come and- 

we’re goign to check things out because its possible i have celiac disease or something idk, we don’t really know 

all i know is i can’t eat gluten it makes me really fucking sick 

so yeah I’ve been straight gluten free for like, a week or two now 

it’s, not been fun lol like- I’m starving all the time because muy parents wont like buy the right shit for me???? 

So I’m just like going to say fuck it and place an order myself because seriously, this is dumb. 

I made a list of wha ti’m going to get at sprouts or fresh or Whole Foods 

(gluten and dairy free) 

- 

and yeah so.... I’ve been feeling creatively ambigious like I’m lacking direction and motivation so i started writing a bit just letting it rip whatever came to mind kind of, haphazardly and, i think it’s been goood just allowing myself to express myself without any bounds purposefully and, going with the flow of it naturally 

with as little inhibition or “second thought” to it as possible 

So I made some titles of things and then I decided I’d flesh them out whenever however I please. Like chapters

here is the beginning line up 

And here is Something I wrote tonight 

“I dont know what happened or who got me here... or how... I dont remember being them. And I don’t know who I am.” 

and then I tried my hand at some champagne and coconuts 🌴 🥥 at 4am after a shower and whilst having a coffee 

[scroll to bottom of this post for text version, easier to read]

Translation because my handwriting is messy: 

Champagne & Coconuts

“Does god fear me, does he shame me am I an ungrateful sinner

Will he cast me out to hell fire and turn my heart to stone

Will he kill me and punish me for the things i don’t even know

Am I a satanist am I a liar

Is there no match made for me in heaven.

Do I deserve nothing? God?

God where are you now.

Where will you be. Will you be?

Is he angry with me, does he hate me

Am I the UNHOLY one am I the least righteous

Am I a sinner do I need to be made clean?

I am lost in the flesh.

And the fresh ripe apple of eden.

Will it ever be enough

Will I ever stop wondering, will the voices inside me finally quiet

Will all my burdens fall off me like meat off the bone

Curtains dropping

Revealing whats underneath

Is there- anything underneath-

Or am I an object of desire-

A man made machine.

Does anybody really love me or have I always been alone in the world.

Am I a light that shines and dims so quickly [like a star]

Is death the thief in the night or liberator.

Help me, find my way, if there ever were an internal compass to guide me.

Or was I listening to the creek babble so long

I started hallucinating.

Help me. Help me find my way. Pen and ink

all I have- ”

I’m sort of trying to clear my head. But I’m also just letting the air flow in one way and out the other like, airing it out as it should be 

03:03:01Aight I did four more boxes tonight from the storage room that’s being turned into my second bedroom. 

one of them isn’t a cardboard box it’s just one of those Rubbermaid tubs I filled up with stuff but, if that counts then  yeah, four boxes. 

And I cleaned up my room a bit Too so 

Bedroom 1 (mine) and 2 (the storage room I’m cleaning out) need to be finished soon as fuck because apparently my grandmother is coming here? Maybe idk but, i want it to be done by the time she gets here 

and then this weekend my parents are having people come and cleaning everything out and getting it ready for the renovation 

and then I guess after that we’re gonna go on vacation and when we come back the renovation will be done so 

like basically the deadline for me to have everything ready to get painted and floors renovated and all that stuff is like, approaching so 

i’m just crunching it all in now, plus i really just, want it to be done. 

Because the bathroom is almost done, like it’s all finished just paint is drying. Lol 

and so i can move all of my “bathroom” shit into the bathroom and that’ll be done. 

So yeah. Lol... super fun. I could video tape the entire process and upload a home renovation vlog sort of showing like, the process and the before and after idk. 

I’ll do a poll and see... if anyone is interested in that. 

Re-injured my back because my dog jumped on me (fucking bastard) 

im really pissed about it I’m back in pain and can’t move again 

so that’s fucking GREAT 

I was having a great productive day and I was doing my

makeuo in my new bathroom like all happy and shit 

fjnally started feeling better enoug to move around again 

and then my dog is like *fuck you* 

and literally ruined everything so that’s great 

Smhhhhhhhhh 

anyways I can’t do my eyebrows even and I’m ugly whats new