Oh and I got the hacker out by changing all the info required to get into the account
this explains a lot tbh lol
my mom confirmed with me I neglected as a child and at one point was left in a high chair for two days. A memory that resurfaced for me only recently. Two, days.
explains why I’m so weird.
Both of my parents were very disengaged and absent minded with me, to the point where I grew up as a young child feeling like I was a weight to be lugged around and a mouth to feed.
it didn’t occur to me I deserved my own individuality and autonomy to take up space and grow as an individual, who had rights to emotions, a right to care, a right to be cared about, etc. I had to learn all of this kind of stuff later in life, what some people are fortunate to just have engrained in their psyche I had to pick up consciously with effort and will- and it was quite a process coming to this point
there is a lot of brain washing that has to be undone and it’s a psychological process in and of itself just undoing all of that. It’s a hurdle to be overcome for sure, made up of many Many smaller hurdles.
On top of this both of my parents were addicts.
I keep forgetting about this childhood of mine as if it did not exist but it wasn’t necessarily pretty. Though we were more fortunate than other families it doesn’t mean the dynamic at home was healthy psychologically. I wouldn’t even know where to begin, to undo the damage of having parents who abuse substances.
I grew up with a lot of uncertainty and feeling on edge. It trained me to distance myself from them emotionally and even physically because it was easier that way. I was trained to be quiet because it was easier that way, and that’s what they wanted. Was for me to fade into the background, not he in the way. They also expected a lot of me but didn’t help me or support me in accomplishing this, if anything they made it more difficult. So I grew to resent them and went through those rebellious teen years ya know fuck the system and all of that. Which probably stemmed from, being imposed upon so forcefully, everything, on me all the time and being forced to fit a mold etc. I was left with the chronic feeling that I was never good enough or doing enough, and that I was not wanted or lovable unless I was, enough. Which resulted in a a lot of autonomy at first that was surprising- an unusually accomplished child, etc. that eventually unraveled, due to a really unhealthy pattern of putting myself Through too much stress than was humanly possible to bear.
All of this just sounds cliche to me, but these are the blatant observations I can make of my past but- in reality like in my present day, the effect of childhood dynamics splay our into a persons life and mental health in such a vast and complex way, it’s hard to know exactly every single way in which I am still affected to this day.
All I can do is address problems as they arise with a professional, as they are the symptoms of an underlying problem which they know how to absolve better than I could.
But yeah it explains a lot about my personality- which I initially, didn’t like a lot about myself and wished I was more like others seemed. I was conditioned though to be that way and I shouldn’t hate myself for it. One of the bigger more blatant issues is extreme introversion.
Like when I first joined SC calls I never spoke because it didn’t occur to me anyone wanted to hear me do so. I didn’t speak unless I was prompted to directly. Like taking orders, and my answers were succinct. And IRL I was an extremely quiet person.
I’m doing physically really bad
so tired so dizzy and jim in so much pain just typing does hurt
I haven’t been able to pick up my feet very well. I struggle to walk rn
its rlly bad... its too much to explain rn but
my dad saw me like this and said u need to call doc
i explained whats been going on and she said it sounds like MS or another auto immune disease and scheduled me for some tests
this why I haven’t been journaling much lately, ive just been sleeping
Mentally I’m standard like i feel aight its just my body cant cooperate with that rn so its frustrating and the pain is to the point i actually started crying
yesterday and the day before i was laughing because the pain and it kinda blocked it out, like i get hysterical fits of laughter from pain and my doc was like thats kind of a uh,,.. i forgot the word ... a big indication of MS
i thought the pain was fibro or something but its insane how weak i am i couldnt make myself a cup of coffee yesterday and my memory is fogged but i remember i couldnt open something i think it was a water bottle LOL
but yeah i tried to tell my dad I NEED MY MEDICATIONS U CANT J UST NOT ORDR THEM THIS IS WHY I GOT BAD AGAIN IS BECAUSE SINCE LOCKDOWN I RAN OUT AND HE WOULDNT ORDER MORE CUZ ITS EXPENSIVE AND HES LIKE WHATEVER UR FINE U DONT NEED IT UR JUSTA FUCKING DUMB ASS AND IM LIKE NOOOOO THIS IS WHY I NEED THEM NOW I CANT EVEN FUNCTION
its beyond frustrating cuz ppl cannot see it
this is why I love Fridah kahlo’s work.,.. and when i did ART therapy i chose her art work as my visual
for the thing but yeah I’m so tired i gotta go to sleep again
this was exhausting just writin g this night night
despite my entire left back muscle from shoulder blade to hip, being completely seized up like concrete, and being so fatigued I slept literally 24 hours- and being in general pain from head to toe in various places, for days- now.
I am *slowly but surely* working on cleaning out that stupid 2nd bedroom still lol
my dad cleaned out the laundry room- for the workers in our house so they could fix something- and he did it in like 10 minutes. he did in 10 minutes, what would take me weeks.
I know I will be causing more pain for myself by exerting myself, but having a nice bedroom and office to myself will really help me mentally and physically with all of these issues I have going on.
I just have to work *even slower* than I was before. I am really physically limited normally- and now it's, even worse so. but I'm not letting it stop me- even if it means I clean- one box. across an entire hour.
that's still, really good. lol
I watch this video while drinking coffee and sitting in front of a fan
and then I listen to this playlist while cleaning
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/37i9dQZF1DX889U0CL85jj?si=f1gJJqbyR9OT0Svz7LuiFw
sometimes I switch from "home" videos to like makeup and hair videos, or I look at people's blogs, or Pinterest. as motivation
but yeah like- I've been looking for some really like, "smooth" clean house music that isn't annoying but kind of amps you up to clean
I got kind of dizzy so I tried eating something and I don't know if it helping, light headed a little. I accidentally walked into a wall, like that's how dizzy I am so... yeah. this is, one of the things that happens to me but... I just have to take it *really* slow because of things like this
I'm lowkey concerned that I'm so anemic my organs might shut down at this point like, I could pass out any minute is how I feel. I wouldn't be surprised, lets put it that way. my doc actually told me this is something that can happen especially if I choose to exert myself or exercise- it's dangerous being this anemic, I can pass out and hit my head or, if the anemia gets any worse, yeah your organs can start, getting really fucked up.
so I'm just- I don' know if I can wait till July for these meds like, I'm gonna beg my dad to order them and like fast track them so they arrive literally like, that day. because I don't think I can wait anymore... I'm going to pass out and end up hospitalized at this point.
I just can't take this anymore, I really, need, the meds.
last edit on
6/4/2020 6:53:56 AM
Mom is finally ordering my goddamn meds
i feel near dead
I’m frustrated angry tired in pain so sick
and uh saddened to tears brought to my wits end by this
I feel very very bad
sleeping all night and all day for days on end
I cannot take this anymore
can barely move around or do anything
parents have to help me with basic things
pain in certain areas is severe but
it is all over
I can’t do this anymore
finally when they started having to help me they order the meds cuz they don’t want to fucking deal with it