Sociopath Community

We’re living in really gloomy horrific times and i don’t think I’m handling it well psychologically 

(cries) 

Basically I’m fine as long as i ignore the news and shit on social media and just stay progressive and forward minded, hopeful etc. 

but my parents keep ruminating about negative shit around me TWENTY FOUR SEVEN and it kind of wears you down to nothing you know after a while 

whilst also blasting every news source there is in your ears constantly 

it’s like torture. 

Everything they say is really negative, and like hopeless about the future and talkign about death constantly and like- 

keep in mind three years ago i had a mental breakdown and couldn’t even handle the mention of suicide without having a full tilt panic attack 

so all of this is just a little much for me at this point, with the constant negative talk abotu war and death and coronavirus 

like can i just, not hear it for one god damn day? 

And everytime I’m around them i ask- can we please talk about other stuff, can we please be a little more positive, can you please not talk about death, can we please not talk about coronavirus anymore, i don’t want to know the death toll anymore- etc. 

but they keep just talking talking talking nonstop with no consideration for the internal torment it’s causing me. Becaus they dont’ experience it they don’t understand but yeah it’s not healthy for me psychologically andi don’t enjoy it

so I’m considering filing for disability checks just so i can afford to get out of here. 

Being unemployed is rough, the state of the world is in chaos, and the news is just sending me over the edge 

i can’t like take it anymore so i chose a while ago to turn it all off and be at peace with myself, handling it the way i handle it but- i don’t have that option to be peaceful because i have no peace here, and no control over my environment 

so yeah. Just a vent about whats been on my mind right now. Plus the usual arguing and chaos and my dad being mean and the general complete lack of functionality and mutual respect in the family 

In other news, to add to the aggravation my Spotify account is being hacked by some stupid mother fucker. It’s just the icing on top. 

Being here, is toxic like, they put you down and put you in a bad mind set and treat you bad and just grind you into the ground like it’s not healthy here so yeah.... it’s been difficult to deal with that. Like, it’s all just making me really mad i guess because if eel like i have no control and being treated bad on top of it is just like, really taking my anger up a notch 

because i have to swallow my tongue or it just makes it worse- and I’m biting my tongue all, day. And not saying anything. 

But i just want to scream. 

That stupid coffee shop has no idea how badly i needed that job and what it meant to me. So I’m just mad about the situation that happened there and the reason i got fired, etc. 

but whatever i can’t dwell on that, I’m just going to move forward with life and try not to fuck things up by tripping over dumb bull shit, ya know? 

Anyway, having own little projects to focus on i guess is helping me get by.... 

and having stomach problems and a horrible sleeping schedule is really fun, I’m kind of starving because all i can eat is chili. I explained my problem to my parents and they still went to the grocery store and bought only food i can’t eat.......... so all i have to eat is chili and a protein bar and like, frozen fruit :’( 

so yeah I’m gonna have to like order some more shit, but yeah my sleeping schedule is reversed so, .... I’m not awake during the time you’re supposed to order the food 

i keep correcting it by waking up early like 9am but then i inevitably fall back asleep and I’m too tired during the day to function 

it’s at night when i can like move more boxes for my room cleaning out and like, do anything productive etc. 

I have to wait till everyone goes to sleep anyway with the hopes of silence and no one bothering me. 

I just wish they would leave the house for like a few days in a row so i could get my room project done without them there. I work a lot better and am way more focused on anything i work on when they’re not here. 

Thats just how i am, i work better alone. I focus better. I get int he zone. Idk! 

People being around just really bothers me 

in other news i have plans to go to the beach again this weekend (if the weather permits) so i have that to look forward to, it is extremely relaxing. It’s a good thing to do. 

It’s frustrating that all i can do for energy is drink coffee but then it causes me anxiety LOL so... i really need to order more of my meds i ran out of them and like, they help me feel better... (not the psychiatric ones, diff ones) and I’ve brought it up to my parents multiple times and they just like aren’t doing anything about it so idk 

i need to like force them to order them they just don’t understand how important it is I have those :/ 

It’s just everything in my house and abotu my life is like an uphill battle (in reality) 

but I’m trying not to view it that way and just be happy be in a good mood whatever mind my business 

relax you know like. But yeah i just had to get that out because it was all on my mind 

I’ve been watching youtube videos as a coping mechanism and it does sort of help like, put my mind in a better place. Seeing happy people, doing happy things. And I’m like :) yeah imma b happy too :) 

lol I’m *Trying* i swear 

i know how it works so. As long as you understand that you’ll be aight. 

Just a stressful time we’re livin in folks

Me: trying to stay positive under the crushing weight of 800 pounds of pressure 

me: “it’s totally gonna be fine” 

https://www.techradar.com/news/new-ipad-pro-2020-release-date-price-news-and-everything-you-need-to-know 

I want the new iPad Pro and the new iPad Pro keyboard that goes with it 

My mom told me we can’t get rid of the daybed in my new 2nd bedroom, my dad said that my sister is his favorite daughter, not me. “The better one.” He said. Word for word, “my favorite daughter.” 

My mom called me a bitch for asking to move the daybed. 

I was just trying to create a place of sanctity in an ocean of sheer chaos. 

I guess not. It’s shitty, that they, are the way they are toward me, the dynamic you know- they don’t understand me, and they dont *care* to begin to try to. 

It’s not possible for them to understand, my internal processes or have empathy and compassion for them. Not ever. 

It’s just, further demonization, of me- to the point where, I dont think they hardly even know who I really am. They never got a chance to get to know me. They dont care about that, not as much as other things. Priorities right? 

I know their intentions aren’t malevolent, but it doesn’t make it less hurtful, the situation. It hurts. It aches. 

I started crying and they kept asking me why I was crying but I just didn’t bother to explain, it was total hopelessness. I didn’dt see the point in talking anymore, i said. And they just said, “I dont see why you’re being such a bitch about a daybed.” And i just nodded and sat there crying. Like yep, of course your just called me that. Got it. 

It’s not the daybed I’m crying about. I’m crying because I’ve been worn thin by this dynamic and the emotional toil of this volatile and toxic relationship i have with my parents, and the years and years of hurt thats just been layered on thicker and thicker, a heavy weight i have to deal with on my own. 

I can’t speak up, i can’t say anything, i don’t have the right to, my thoughts and feelings don’t matter here, nothing, i say matters, at all period. I don’t matter. Like, I’m just, practically an object. 

It’s.... years and years of bull shit I would have to explain so that you could understand, why I am hurt. But, I am. Angry, and hurt. 

And finally it just all came out, and yeah it hurt a lot. It wasn’t cathartic crying, it was a lot of pain. Felt like someone had punched me in the chest and in the face. Right in the eye sockets too. I couldnt’ get the. Pain to stop, and tears just started coming out but. 

I just didn’t say anything and kept wiping away the tears in pure silence. While they just, kind of ignored it. 

My mom actually just got mad at the fact i was crying and got up and walked out, which hurt more. And then i got up and got my keys and left. 

Drove to my sisters house to use their bath tub and their microwave. 

The power went out here, so i had no electricity and, we also don’t have a bath tub because everything is under construction right now. 

I ended not eating or bathing at all, though. I didn’t see the point. I came to a place where i was no longer hungry and no longer desired anything at all. Total, numbness. In an uncomfortable way. Like everything just shut off and i stopped feeling anything at all. 

My sisters husbands dog greeted me at the door and it was nice to see him, a sweet innocent baby, a beacon of pure joy, and love, and hope. Amidst all the corruption, something so pure and innocent, dogs are angels from heaven. Animals are, perfect. 

And i petted his sweet little head for a few hours sitting on the floor of their kitchen, all the lights were off, just one little light was on above the sink, sort of yellow dim flourescent. 

I was planning on journaling when i got there, but i dunno, part of me just didn’t care. I was overwhelmed with forming the words to say to explain a situation that was so large, and unmanageable, to me. 

But the dog made me a little happier, and then i juts walked around outside in the dark, at midnight. The night was so calm and cool, it felt good to get fresh air and, no people around looking at me- they’re all asleep. The silence was deafeningly sweet, the empty dark streets. They’re doing construction in a few places on the street at night- hence why the power was out. Huge flourescent lights canopying over trucks with blinking lights. Men all in orange and yellow... reflective gear and hard hats. 

I just had nothing to do so I walked over to watch them from a distance. Stood there for a minute trying to understand what they were even trying to do, holstered up in the air fucking around with the telephone poles. Cleaning up a tree, apparently that fell. Huge dump trucks, were required because the tree was so massive. 

And then I walked back to my car got in it and drove back home, because my dad told me the power came back on. And i was thirsty. My sister doesn’t have ice- and she only has water- because she’s weird. And i kind of wanted something horrible for me like coffee or coke. As a pick me up... something sweet. I dunno. 

I keep having the intention to finish cleaning out that 2nd room, I really have to finish within the next week or two, because they’re going to paint my rooms and hallway for me, to match the new bathroom you know. 

I just, barely care anymore... or see the point. Because the daybed takes up all the space. It’s pointless. I can’t tell if I’ve already internally given up or not yet without my knowledge but I feel, that I may of at least begun to, slightly. 

Over the years I’ve given up more and more on things, and I need to stop doing that. It’s just, so hard when you’re so tired 

Blanc said: 

Me: trying to stay positive under the crushing weight of 800 pounds of pressure 

 

me: “it’s totally gonna be fine” 

Lol that doesn't sound like you at all. 

i am slightly pissed off again today like mood is like 😠 

I don’t even know why 

I think I really needed to go to the beach today but hopefully tomorrow...

thinking about getting in the pool I just wish it was sunnier 

the thing is I’m bored so like I wanna use my phone in the float but I’m scared I will drop it in the fucking water 

I have a few of those fun boy floats because the company just gave them to us... something to do with my parents jobs. 

but yeah they’re really great they’re one of my fave float companies 

But yeah like I’m just so fucking bored like what am I going to do 

smh 

I guess I could tackle more of that room. I don’t know man. 

life has gotten very simple and so it’s just an adjustment. 

I feel better to vent what’s on my mind tho 

im just frustrated because now I have a fucking head ache and it’s like I can’t win 

I’m constantly in some various state of feeling like shit 

im sick of it but I’m so used to it that when I actually feel normal I don’t know what to do with myself 

but yeah idk if it’s the head ache but I feel kinda agitated 

I think the day bed thing is still bothering me I don’t know

I’m just aggravated it’s normal given the circumstances. 

but yeah... I think I just need to be left alone for a lil while 

I’m gonna ask my mom onwnmore question about the day bed hopefully she doesn’t get mad

Hahahah my stubborn ass persistence paid off 

(I can’t let things go lol) 

I asked my mom one more time about a few other alternative ideas I had to compromise with the daybed ISSUE

AND IT WORKED 

HAHAHAHAH YES! 

So her plan is to re-do the floors through out the entire house (we are doing a full home renovation little by little and her plan is to have the whole thing done before November for thanks giving) 

also because my sisters new baby is coming she wants everything to be nice for the baby lol so I’m not complaining 

but yeah so because she is planning on putting down all new floors I was like- they’re going to have to take that day bed out of there in July anyways to do the floor- and then we could just put it in your office so the baby can rest by you while you do stuff in your computer 

(she is planning on having the baby there with her. A lot is like her desire. She wants The baby lol) 

so by kind of putting that tilt on it like... the baby could use it..... 

and then I showed her the measurements and how it would look perfect in that space and she likes the design of it so she was like okay I like that 

so yeah I got the issue resolved 

I’m also showing them my design ideas for the house 

I’m encouraging them to put on a second story so they can have room for all the amenities they want. And my mom likes the idea after I explained to her all the reasons it makes sense 

it took about an hour to convince her but, eventually I got her on board with the idea because she doesn’t want to be around my dad 24/7 and this gives her the luxury of having her own master suite upstairs with a balcony over looking the backyard and her own office space that is far far away from any noise going on downstairs 

and then my dad can have room for his own office and bedroom down stairs completely out of her hair 

which both of them like that idea. They also both want several other Ameriprise which I am working into the design 

I will post it afterwards 

and then tonight I need to put more stuff in boxes from my 2nd bedroom 

the bathroom Reno is like halfway done 

so yeah they’re going to be painting soon 

and yeah I guess by November my house will be fully cleaned out and reno’d and we can put the stuff back in like in an organized way ofc 

it will be beautiful 

I also ordered my medications I needed thank god they finally let me do that and like some foods I can actually eat so 

I mean. I’m much happier now  but 

I also did this thing that helps me have a clearer mind. I will have to link it 

https://benjaminhardy.com/want-more-success-then-fully-own-this-one-thing/ 

oh and weather is gnarly had idk if beach will happen tomorrow. My mom wants to stay and watch the rocket launch so idk. 

And uh... I’ve been looking at properties I could afford in the future and I found one I really like. 

my mom said I should just get me real estate and do that or work for a home owners association because it’s good money and I mean I might do that in the mean time while I’m finishing school but 

yeah my dad also liked my uh... coffee pod idea and said he will help me start an online business if I want to. So i have that to think about.... 

I have lots of... that kind of stuff on my mind. Adulting stuff.