Sociopath Community

lol

im starting to put two and two together about my issue with shaking a lot and my Straight up addiction to dopamine 

Essential tremors are caused by a lack of dopamine in some cases. 

a lot of recovering alcoholics and heroin addicts are permanently kind of shaky seeming, even people who smoked a lot of pot I’ve noticed it in. And ppl with severe or major depression. 

its different than anxiety shaking, Parkinson’s, nerve damage or severe PTSD. There are numerous neurological and psychological disorders than can cause all sorts of shaking, like mania and bipolar disorder. and some medications as well are notorious for causing it- especially bipolar medications. But only for some individuals of course. 

essential tremmors hAve many causes but it’s generally not Exactly well understood. There are various treatment methods but there no perfect cure for anyone. 

but I find it interesting ET’s are sometimes caused by a brain stripped of dopamine- and require stimulation therapy to create the dopamine. Essentially stimulants. 

which would explain the need for coffee for me to function. I’ve tried kicking coffee but It didn’t help me. Like after rehab I was caffeine free for months, but I didn’t feel any better because of it. 

I just feel insufferably bad, without coffee. It’s to the point where I wish I didn’t have to drink it to feel okay. Yes it helps my mood. It’s to the point where I think about doing stimulants in various forms to go about life feeling normal. 

when it wares off I go back to feeling like a pillow that’s been punched for six years to the point of deflation and heavy like a rock. My eyes droop and I am sad, just generally depressed like it’s hard to explain what depression feels like but it’s about as painful as slamming your head into a concrete wall. You just want the feeling to go away and you’ll do anything to make the pain of it stop. 

I stopped writing as much over the last two days because I’ve been suicidally depressed. I’ll update in a sec

The last two days (i think? Or is it only 1 day went by that i didnt really journal very good) 

i dunno, my memory is terrible, all i did was sleep and just basic level functioning 

shower meds sleep repeat i dont even remember what i ate 

i dont know where my mind was, but it wasn’t, awake if that makes any sense 

i should of journaled down all the thoughts i was having, but, i dunno what happened just, the point in even doing that was, missing from me 

so much is missing when ur in that fog... ur def not well or functional, its not fun, and yeah i wanted to die so 

today i was so sad i felt kind of... bleh i dunno the word for it but- i guess at my wits end with what i could handle of the depression maybe? Just kind of breaking under the pressure a bit so 

everything is really hard when ur like that everything feels like an uphill battle 

and i was so exhausted, i wanted to sleep all day but, i couldn’t get comfortable enough to. 

My sister was having a gender reveal party so i was getting myself together for that, and in the process of getting ready to go i just started crying because i felt like i just couldn’t make it thru that

its hard to explain the feeling but its just like, i dunno, i was sad abotu being trapped in that hell but still trying to live my life and not being able to, it was upsetting plus, being at my wits end with the insufferable weight of it (it’s torment) 

so yeah... i just broke down but, it was kind of nice to cry because i hadn’t been able to in a long time, not about depression. 

It validated for me that there was still someone inside there trapped behind the illness. 

Sorry all of this sounds really emo but, I’m just trying to convey as accurately as I can my genuine experiences, day to day. Because i won’t, remember. 

This is why I’m bothering to write it now, i cant remember what i did yesterday. I dont remember what I thought, or how i felt, or anything, really. Because i was in such a fog. 

This happens to me a lot. To the point where i have to journal everyday to have, some form of memory back log. 

But yeah.... anyways.... so yeah that was around 6pm, i was making coffee to take to go to the thing and, my parents were yelling at each other, they were rushing me out the house. No one was looking or noticing me i had my back turned just staring out the window completely spacing out and then tears just started coming out 

because i was overwhelmed with sadness abotu feeling like i just couldn’t do this one more up hill battle thing. Going to a party was too much for me, and i couldn’t admit that, to anyone. 

So i just silently collected myself and decided to throw myself into it anyways, and just get through it. 

I don’t do well with family events, no matter what mental state I’m in. Or family vacations. Or even family dinners. Get together, etc. parties. I hate it all. I don’t wish to hate it, but the experience isn’t enjoyable for me, it never is. But i still try. Make an effort. Show up. For them. 

It normally wouldn’t be a huge deal but, for some reason today it just was like, really impossible feeling to get through like, all i could do was just lay down ya know

but yeah i went there i was kinda checked out the whole time and they did the reveal and, then i got in the pool cuz the kid was swimming so idk it just seemed like the water would feel good to just submerge myself in it and melt away under water 

floating in the deep it feels really good, relieving to me. Like gets all my stress ya know and tension out. Relaxes, purifies. No envigoration though... 

so when i got back home i just took a shower and wanted to sleep but 

i chose to pack up a few boxes of the storage room and i taped them up and labeled them accordingly. It wasn’t easy. To muster through all of this with crippling depression but, i just kinda forced myself to just, do it. Just get done what u can in this moment, even if its just one box 

i ended up doing six, tomorrow i should do more but, who mows if i will 

I think having a clear space physically will help me mentally is why I’m even bothering to do it. It wont solve all my problems but, a clear vs. messy space does affect ur mental wel being sometimes a little so i just thought it might help. 

I’m gonna try to eat some meal i got tomorrow i like a lot... its also been on my mind to make pie idk why but yeah so tomorrow I’ll probably do that at some point 

i showered and took meds ate dinner and now I’m tired but cant sleep whats new 

gave myself fresh bedding etc as well.... sleep...

We've been warning you about coffee for a while, but you won't listen. 

https://open.spotify.com/track/3fx5ozORvvTGnSnOhUqrgj?si=0a3Q6AghR5u5YJeFvKX1og 

https://open.spotify.com/track/0dssTLrqY79Klk6jx2RXCj?si=1-7e3WXPTjaJHuwUcP97uQ 

https://open.spotify.com/track/3vV6IX7lbyQFmOyAuQpdav?si=1o_EtI-fStSvvCCYpZVjJg 

Beep boop beep boop 

wishing I could have a real summer vacay this summer. 

thinking of Vegas Mexico Anna Maria island, destin, California, Hawaii. 

im def feeling the summery-ness of summer and like I’m happy about it but at the same time like I can only embrace it from things I order online and from my backyard so 

it’s just not as fun as driving around the hills of Nevada or the PCH blasting music out of my 12s but it’s ok I’ll live.

Oh but I’m going to the beach again today or tomorrow.... it’s just a lake like it’s not the ocean but I mean lol.... it’s all there is to do so... lol 

*shrugs* I’m just gonna embrace it 

*puts tanning lotion and sunglasses on* 

summer in lock down bitch

i wonder if addictive personality really exists or if it’s actually the result of neurological disorders 

like I’m talking people who are genetically predisposed not people who are already addicts 

Whew, I'm not a long-form type person. I prefer chats over long thread posts. But because I like you, I'm going go break down what I'm seeing.

God, there is so much to say.

Tremors in alcoholics are a consequence of the brain adjusting to a level of GABA, and the brain no longer having that baseline suppression of activity during withdrawal. And it's rather similar for opiate abusers, but with the opioid receptors, rather. Dopamine is implicated in Parkinson's, but I honestly don't know when else a lack causes tremors. Maybe ETs, I guess. I would have to look more into what you posted.

Coffee is not just a stimulant to you. The stimulant effects probably do help your sluggishness. But it's actually more of a sort of comfort for you, and that's why you have your morning rituals. You know that it's something that will ease your anxiety. And I'm not saying it's bad, either. I approve of this habit, but like TC hinted, stimulants can make anxiety worse. We've talked about this. Just heads up again, it's a habit that makes you feel secure because of the regularity. Kind of like the meditation music.

I know what it's like to have social obligations when you're exhausted. It sucks, and I don't blame you. And I know what it's like to be in a household of yelling people. Also exhausting.

I think there are an array of things we should talk about, but it's difficult to contact you.

Okay I packed up four three and a half more boxes 

this is extremely difficult to do being as depressed as I am but what choice do I have 

live in a giant mess or live in a peaceful environment 

that’s it so. Gotta do little by little. Every time I have the smallest bit of energy I take advantage of it and push myself even tho my head the whole time is saying who cares who cares just sit on the floor and cry and fall asleep 

I just tell myself, just get the box and open it

okay might as well tape it together that’s easy 

okay might as well put a few things in it I mean they’re right there ready to be packed it’s not hard 

and then I fill it up and tape it shut 

and label it and I’m like might as well do a few more 

and between each box I just look at the mess my parents have made of my childhood room and just kinda stare at it like “maybe I should give up this is stupid” 

and then I’m like “nah I already organized it so it’s pretty easy.”

luckily I had manic energy like months ago and I organized the entire room into sections so it would be easy to pack up and label 

i just thought I would have help but no duh my parents don’t like doing this kind of stuff so I’m doing it myself (even tho they said they would help lol) 

the boxes are really heavy so it is difficult for

me but I’m managing. 

*sigh* lol

im just taking a break right now to cool down 

I kinda do like 15 minutes on 15 minutes off. Breaks are the key to my productivity like, and breaking things up into segments and sections and just focusing on like the smallest task one at a time in front of me. And allowing myself to do only what I can. 

if I put the pressure on myself to do it like “ok im gonna do 15 boxes in 5 hours and then lunch then 4 more hours 15 boxes.” 

like .... that would overwhelm me the idea of trying to get the entire room done in one day. And if the pressure is on I mean I can press myself that hard but then I will physically feel the consequences of that and it will suck 

so why press urself hardcore when I don’t even have to because I have nothing else to do xD it’s much more relaxing this way. 

and then I just figure when I finish packing I finish. 

I still don’t know what I’m really gonna do to the rooms themselves 

i just look at Pinterest for ideas lol 

I dunno! If u have any ideas submit or want to help me decorate and plan designs let me know lol

Turncoat said: 

We've been warning you about coffee for a while, but you won't listen. 

 It’s one of the only thing that make me feel better instantly but yeah even my doc told me to cut it completely and explained to me why 

I do wanna make the switch and use only healthy measures of energy boosting but yeah I think I’d need to change my meds before that because they make me lethargic 

9/10 ppl are energy boosted by lexapro but 1/10 get sleepy from it. It’s probably not the right one for me, idk. 

Tryptamine said: 

Whew, I'm not a long-form type person. I prefer chats over long thread posts. But because I like you, I'm going go break down what I'm seeing.

God, there is so much to say.

Tremors in alcoholics are a consequence of the brain adjusting to a level of GABA, and the brain no longer having that baseline suppression of activity during withdrawal. And it's rather similar for opiate abusers, but with the opioid receptors, rather. Dopamine is implicated in Parkinson's, but I honestly don't know when else a lack causes tremors. Maybe ETs, I guess. I would have to look more into what you posted.

Coffee is not just a stimulant to you. The stimulant effects probably do help your sluggishness. But it's actually more of a sort of comfort for you, and that's why you have your morning rituals. You know that it's something that will ease your anxiety. And I'm not saying it's bad, either. I approve of this habit, but like TC hinted, stimulants can make anxiety worse. We've talked about this. Just heads up again, it's a habit that makes you feel secure because of the regularity. Kind of like the meditation music.

I know what it's like to have social obligations when you're exhausted. It sucks, and I don't blame you. And I know what it's like to be in a household of yelling people. Also exhausting.

I think there are an array of things we should talk about, but it's difficult to contact you.

 Yeah there is such thing as resting tremmors as well that mainly occur when the body is resting so idkkkk

I have no idea the cause I thought maybe it’s low blood sugar low blood pressure or anemia like I’m bottoming out while I’m sleeping and I wake up in a sort of shock 

or maybe it’s just a ptsd thing. Is it a central nervous system thing? 

im not always having nightmares the mornings I waking up like that or feeling anxious. As far as I can remember. 

I really have no idea lol but yeah uh

All I can do is be as consistent as I can with my diet and meds that’s been recommended to me and like all that healthy life style shit and then writing and monitoring everything down as best I can to keep trying to figure it out 

the cause that is. And the patterns- If there are any. 

like because of writing in this journal I noticed the shaking correlated with a bad depressive episode, which is why I think oh, could be neurological dopamine issue who knows. It’s just a though tho- of many potentials.