i just feel like leaving things unresolved at this point is stupid cuz like it could potentially help unlock struggles I have with my mental health or I could easily resolve some issue just by being knowledgeable and aware rather than going “oh well” about it
its stupid to dismiss it so I write it down in the journal along with everything else. :)
it’s not a main priority it’s just, thought cataloguing
Oh my god I are a single tiny piece of pizza WITH three lactase enzyme supplements and it absolutely obliterated me
lol
omgygod I truly cannot eat cheese or any form of dairy like I am so fucking sensitive that not even a lactaid thing works
I seriously was dying oh my god never again
I’ve been trying to wrap my head around how i can explain the dream i had two nights ago...
It’s so, bizarre. LOL but it’s not a first for me, I have dreams of this category sometimes.
This category is, genre, nightmare, sub-genre- can’t escape, sub genre- extremely trippy.
These type of dreams are really difficult to describe, in full detail, and to have the reader have the same vivid and bizarre experiences I have in the dream.
It would take a while, to really do it justice in writing. But, I’m just going to get down the jist so I don’t have to write a novel.
So, my mom asked me to go with the family on an outing. I agreed under the terms it would be chill and not a lot of close contact with people. Because of covid. And then we get to the place, and it’s a church. We came through a narrow hallway packed with people into the room with lines of pews. The carpet was yellow? And it looked like, a kitschy version of like spiritual 70’s vibe? Very tacky and obtuse looking, like the movie with Johnny Depp when he goes to Las Vegas... but, even worse. That whole like bubbling effect fisheye lense is going on a little bit from time to time. I’m very overwhelmed with how everyone is in close contact and not wearing masks, in this tight room that feels stuffy like it’s hot, there’s no AC. Everyone’s wearing stuffy hot church clothes, but, overly colorful and 70’s looking? Like the intro to Prince of Belaire esc, looking people like his grandma looking into the camera in the intro, that scene. IT has that vibe to it. Costume jewelry like pearls. Stuffy perfume. Large glasses. Panty hose and shiny shoes. Soul music and clapping. Gold rings. I said to my mom, “I have to get out of here, no one’s wearing a mask.” And was mad at her for lying to me and putting us all in danger negligently.... like I was mad at the fact no one cared out of ignorance toward a real issue. So I pushed my way back out of the crowd to the entrance doors we came through to get into the chapel area, these large wooden doors. And then I was in the hallway.
It gets weirder from here. Just when you thought it couldn’t be any more bizarre.
I wanted to just leave, the church. But here’s the thing- you can’t.
So this is where it gets really difficult to explain and really trippy but, essentially I was trapped in this ever evolving facility of horror and confusion, that was designed like something out of a set design for a play or a film- on purpose, by some grand, designer- to purposefully trap people in the facility and you cannot get out once you enter. You enter unbeknownst to this fact, and the people *working* there, can’t get out either. Majority of them are brain washed subservient slaves to the grand master, and are completely blank to the severity of the issue, as well as the idea there is an outside world. It’s as if they were programmed.
It’s like, the vastness of Disney world, and the complexity of it as well- in some areas looking like a mall and other areas looking like an ever higher tech version of a nasa facility- with sci fi elements to it I didn’t even understand what they were. Machines, that lit up and, large towering structures. Huge glass dome ceilings with mosaics and fabric stringing down from the walls, next to columns. Smooth marble floors as far as the eye could see. Emptiness, and echoing- it was dimly lit like a mall when it’s closed. There was no people around, just the staff.
Who eerily wandered from place to place wearing maid looking uniforms and hats- completing their rudimentary and mundane, repetitive tasks. Cleaning ladies, essentially. But they believed in the grand master, like he was god. And felt a sense of happiness, and fulfillment, in their duties and... felt like they owed their life to be laid down to the master and they *wanted* it to be that way, they felt an extreme delusional level sense of honor and pride in doing so. It’s to the point where that’s all they cared about. Literally, all. They cared about. Was his plans.
You enter for one reason, and you are never able to leave- and eventually with time, he slowly warps your mind to believe in staying, and become fully brainwashed into not even, thinking of escape. Not even thinking of yourself. Or the outside, or who you were- or are. Your own desires are gone. Your self expression, your freedom, wiped completely away. Pure robot.
So naturally I tried to find the exit, but it became complicated the more I looked- it’s as if the rooms and hallways and doors were changing places, after I tried one- and came to a brick wall behind the door, it was evolving and doing so on purpose to confuse me. It knew what you were going to do next. It was more than 10 steps ahead. And after going through door after door after door that were all designed to look the same, I didn’t even know which exit I had and hadn’t tried already. I went deeper and deeper into the black void that was this, “exit strategy” and began to feel disoriented, lost, and panicked. Like I couldn’t breathe. Hyperventilating.
I could hear the master laughing and chiming in now over the intercom and I looked around looking for the cameras and ran my hands along the walls frantically trying to find, something. Anything other than black walls and black doors. They all had exit signs above them in neon red lights to mock me. They looked, cartoon-ish. I got angry and I think I was talking back to the guy. But also kind of to myself. And a staff member was watching me the whole time- blankly. So calm as if her being was Prozac. Smiling. And I said things to her like, “WAKE UP. DONT YOU HAVE A FAMILY? WHO ARE YOU. WHAT IS YOUR NAME. WHEN DID YOU GET HERE. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE. YOU KNOW. I KNOW YOU KNOW MORE. HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE. TELL ME. TELL ME.” And I grabbed her shirt and started shaking her. It was no use. She just was frozen like a doll. And then I let go of her realizing she was gone mentally. And she just continued sweeping things into the trash and, carrying trash bags- silently as if- nothing had interrupted her task in the first place. Blankly staring forward.
And then I just continued walking off away from the “phony exit” area to play with newbies minds- and through the long echoing marble halls alone, I followed the sound of faint music and the smell of food. I was hungry. And then I came across a large dining hall- that was upstairs, in a contianed room, next to a kitchen area that was in a separate contained room. They were attached. So essentially a restaraunt. But it was just one long, tube. One long walkway in the middle and then tables tables tables all down the sides.
It looked like the Taj Mahal it was so decadent and royal looking, and then it looked out over a balcony and the ceiling was painted and curvature and intricate detail was woven in stone into the architecture surrounding it, sort of like Rome. Lots of yellow and gold. The table cloths were white.
The patrons were all people from the outside, who visited this well acclaimed restaraunt thinking they were getting this, 5 star amazing treatment. When in reality, they were being served by brain washed slaves- who had no escape.
I approached the restaraunt through the entrance to it which was like a long wide hallway lined with carpet, royal looking blue-ish purple carpet with intricate gold leafy details in it. Like a Persian rug but, very soft. And sconces on the golden yelled ridged stone walls. Large plant decorations were in the center. And then there were huge doors on either side entering into this long narrow kitchen, which then through one single door at the far end, led to the long rectangular, seemingly endless- restaraunt, lined and packed with people at every table.
Laughing, talking, gorging on fancy cocktails and wine, sorbet and, clams, lobster- sour dough bread and butter. White plates and clear wine glasses, silver silver ware. Majority were men wearing suits. Some had mustaches and slicked hair. It’s as if we were in, the 20’s. They were so, pompous and rich, and, entitled- the customers were. They paid 500-800 dollars on a single meal, and we had parties of 5 to 12 people, some more... it was insanely packed and loud- everyone was moving around and it was hot as hell, people were wiping sweat off their upper lips and- talking rudely to waiters, ordering more and more rediculous things that weren’t on the menu and, complaining. Their shoes shined and were black. Black bow ties, white cuffed shirts pressed with starch.
These were important people, high rollers. That had, places to be, appointments, more important things to do than have lunch at your restaraunt but- they chose to come there for their break, with fellow co-workers or on business endeavors with clientele they wanted to impress.
Some of them it seemed like they were there just to act like ass holes.
As I approached the hall I asked a guy wearing kitchen worker attire, looking sweaty and tired like he was on his break. Greasy hair. Dirt on his cheek. I said, “you work here?” And he said, “I have to or the big man upstairs won’t be too happy with us.” Or something like that. And i realized like, he was “awake” to what was really going
On he wasn’t brainwashed like the rest yet. He was younger than the rest too. New on the scene.
And he said, “you lost?” And I was like, “yeah I- kind of was hoping I could get something to eat. Hey uh- *scratches back of my neck nervously* do you know if there’s a way to get out of here?”
We stood far apart having this conversation- he was closer tot he doors leaning on the plant structure having a cigarette, and i must of been 10-20 feet down the large hall talking to him. He was so far away he was almost, small looking. Standing there in this grand huge vaulted hall.
The lighting was yellow. And he threw out his cigarette and said, “nah, but I figured out a way to eat in the mean time.” and then he told me to follow him.
And he took me through the restaraunt to the balcony overlooking, and we looked down over the edge together. And he said, “you can either be like them, or you can survive this way instead.” And down below was dozens of people wandering around below on this large blue tile floor, like zombies. They were starving and crying out, fighting each other like angry wolves- they hardly looked like people anymore. They didn’t know there was a better way right above them, they were stuck there- in that terrible god forsaken place- to dwindle until death. Starvation.
The “grand master” doesn’t care how you survive or if you figure it out or not. There is no path to help you, it’s just, pure chance I stumbled upon this restaraunt. And then people started ordering things from me rudely and the guy said he had to go. And ran off in the distance picking up orders and plates and glasses etc on his way back to the kitchen door.
And I took the orders as I walked back too- people were snagging me and stopping me and I was kind of looking around while the people were ordering, barely listening to them talk- fat bastards with their disgusting lips and double chins, and flushed cheeks. Disgusting. And I was like, ‘that’ll be right out for. You yes, yes sir. Yes indeed. Mhm. Oh yes sir. Oh we’re very sorry sir. I’ll be right out with that.”
And i got snagged several times by customers and i became so consumed with trying to get things out fast enough for them, and on my way in and out i was getting snagged by more tables and i was bringing out more things- the pace was so rapid i got lost in it and just became an employee like, on accident. Slipping into the role.
Eventually when i got a lull I went back to the kitchen and took my apron off and I just was confused like, what the system was. I watched employees go in and out the doors and the chefs cooking away. And i was like, who owns this place. And why it was here. And what was he money going toward. Like- why. Lol what is this.
It seemed to be very connected to the inner business world like, strictly for, business men- which made me thing the grand master was sort of, having to Do with that? And on the outside world might even have been one of them, connected to the “great inside” of these millionaire elite inner circles, of the highest wealth, and the highest exclusivity, with the most lethal and corrupt, secrets- which none of them cared, at all about.
That’s all I can remember of the dream.
