Pain - 18 - Sociopath Community

I was depressed all day (for the time i was awake)

last night i cried a lot bout my ex for some reason & my circumstances

i wanted to relapse but i was fine after talking in NA

dont remember what it was now that they said that made me feel ok

today i was depressed all over again, after having a fairly good morning

it just went downhill, my mood. For no reason and

i couldn’t do anything productive ofc when I’m in that state,

i wanted to just give up

on everything

and uh,..,., yeah i wanted to relapse and didnt care if it means I’d die

s uddenly or slowly or

if it meant pain, rape, selling my body, murder

i didnt care if i had to live on the street

thats how miserable i feel in my situation

cuz i feel hopeless about my mental health being so bad, its hell

th only way to escape it is drugs

and my home, forget about it.

my life? Destroyed buddy

so i just dont give a shit anymore and-

yeah...

i wasn’t going to just throw caution to the wind but, thats what i felt like doing.

downing a bottle of Xanax

i really wanted a taste of every drug under the sun just to feel numb for a couple hours

i really dont care that much that i would rather succumb my entire life to that routine

the feeling is worth it to me because its better than reality

and i cant figure out the mess in my mind and make my life right again so

i just figure fuck it, let it all go up in flames

I’m done fighting

but, i went to my NA meeting per usual and I was high but, they accepted me and

... its the only place that doesnt... come down hard on me for making mistakes and, being human etc

in every capacity

and they kinda just, set me straight for the evening anyway

i really need to make things right in my life tho cuz the imbalance is gonna catch up with me right, but, then i wonder like dreaming of an optimal self might be part of the problem you know

Or maybe, i just think too much and need to talk less and do more. Etc,

who knows. Ya know

all i know is like doing a bunch of shit didnt solve my problems last time so why would it now, its deeper than that. For sure but.

yeah... anyways... i took a shower, ate dinner.

Thats the thing is like getting high helps me function when i struggle to, its just hard dealing with ur mind not being right ya know so.

Part of me is like maybe i should take all those prescriptions docs gave me maybe i would be happier

trazadone klonopin vistaril buspar abilify some other drug i forgot the name of for bipolar and some other drug for adhd thats not addy or vivance. They’d give me Xanax too. I mean, i could fuck with all of it.

Maybe I’d be better for it, instead of thinking of making my day go smoother by shoving percs up my nose all day and banging heroin and doing lines of coke like

I mean i would feel better but, the truth is life sucks no matter how you slice it and if u got good brain chemistry then dont take it for granted because this shit is a silent killer and its killing me

I took my meds and started to feel a little less suicidal tho, they tend to block that out, and the shower and food helped I hadn’t eaten al day. Somehow I’m still tired even tho i slept all day so

now its time to sit here all night and not sleep

if i took a trazadone I’d be out like a light no problem, or even just some benadryl

i just wonder if I’m really helping myself at all or getting anywhere, probably not.

I wanna like better my life and be alright and shit like, i dont like where I’m at you know, living here and shit like, i need to get outta here, its just hard to hold my shit together and like put my nose to the grind stone like i used to like, an online job... smh. Not fun. I don’t mind working like, real work. But online work... smh. Lol just... I’m so tired of that

covid shit is making shit difficult but. It’s whatever gotta build a bridge and get over it right...

so yeah i just i need my life to go back to the way it was because i was handling that better than this lol basically. Like that worked for me. This isn’t. Just isn’t, and thats pretty damn obvious so.

Yeah i just hope things stop being so goddamn difficult but, probably not gonna happen

i need to get better too...

i realized like i spend a lot of time dissociating from trauma, but lately i haven’t been able to do that very well, and instead I’m like, having anxiety attacks every night from it because its in the forefront so thats fun.

and then like, gotta deal with depression on top of it so, thats even more fun.

And it just makes me feel hopeless about getting better because i know like, between everything i have going on, its just insanity like. I just want my mind to be normal