break up to make up... <3
i understand everything you're saying. you seem to be disheartened by the fact that you're not the 'main event' so to speak. accept yourself for who you are, the qualities you do have and where you could capitalize on them most, rather than comparing yourself to others who seem happier when really you have no idea what goes on with them internally.
also therapy.
The driving force behind every instance of ambition I've ever understood is imbalance. Not having some aspect in your life that you will come to place more value on because it's missing. The frustration of dealing without and the faint enjoyment gained from imagined control of that aspect is all that ambition embodies. Without these, I can't imagine any enjoyment in this life asides sating a few curiosities that would quickly fade in interest.
My happiness, is solely dictated by this force. It is my reason for living and there is no greater feeling I've felt in this life than when my life is thrown heavily off its balance. When I'm given that faint joy of restoring things back to order, while simultaneously fueled with frustration and rage for going without in the first place. It's then I feel most alive, it's then I want to take risks, it's then I feel the ability to do anything, it's those moments I've accomplished my milestones in life.
It's intoxicating to say the least and it's invoked a curiosity that I crave to have answered. I wonder how far I would go if I wasn't given a ceiling. This is why I crave the apocalypse and other would be survival scenarios. I want my balance to be thrown off so severely I'm free to indulge in this rageful, burning test to redemption. Dying pursuing this seems like one of the happiest moments I can experience in that state, to sate that angry curiosity and to have some rest from pushing myself finally. This of course is counteracted by the delusional euphoria I've experienced in that state, that I can't die. I'll explain an instance to clarify it a bit.
When I'm injured, there is instant anger. In my military training instances, the discouraging pain, the feeling of vital muscles and tendons tearing, the mental impairment from exhaustion, all are things that trigger that raged fueled euphoria. The sight of my own blood during a trial has been enough to lose myself mentally in a fit of defiance. My subconscious screaming and laughing at the idea of the current adversity even testing my limits. If the instance is right, I literally get high off of pain via emotional masochism.
It's been quite depressing realizing my main joy in living, is harming myself for things I couldnt have done right.
edit: and quite inspiring too
"What did you not do 'right?'....by whose definition?"
Couldn't, I suppose was the wrong way to put it. Wrong tense.
I'll always look for more opportunities to test myself, so that I can fail. Failing restarts the process and is my way to achieving that perfectionist frustration that makes me feel alive. I've taken on plenty of unnecessary responsibilities, which seem quite selfless and generous but i've realized the root of those acts is to gain more fuel for my fire. The act that kickstarted this, the original failure that sparked this masochistic drive was when I stopped stalking after all those years and internally accepted that rejection. I see now that its broken me.
Depends I suppose the purpose of the hunt...lol...stalking is not necessarily negative...depends the reason
<-----start ---Fail------restart----Fail-----start----Fail------------------------------------------------------------------->'"Perfection"
...Copy that ^^^^^ line above......and several more Fail / Start/ Fail cycles....and check the visual ...how do you interpret that?
<-----Initial Failure(Stalking)---Adjustment----Fail----Adjustment----Fail----Adjustment----Fail-----Adjustment----->"Final Failure, Unable to Adjust
How it would be ideally ^
Final failure and reaching a point where I can't improve anymore is the goal, whether thats finding im at my potential now or decades down the road. It's this goal that is responsible for the deathwish mentality and is responsible for the euphoria that I associate with injury. Simultaneously.......a part of me is defiant towards that mentality and is further enraged when I feel the relief of my limits being reached, they should go farther.
"To no avail. The narcissist is his own worst foe. Ironically, it is only when incapacitated that the narcissist gains a modicum of peace of mind. When terminally ill, incarcerated, or inebriated the narcissist can shift the blame for his failures and predicaments to outside agents and objective forces over which he has no control. "It's not my fault" – he gleefully informs his mental tormentors – "There was nothing I could do about it! Now, go away and leave me be." And then – with the narcissist defeated and broken – they do and he is free at last."
"It is a masochistic Stockholm Syndrome, a shared psychosis (follies a plusieurs). The patient doesn’t experiences these harsh juries sitting in judgement over him, his traits, skills, and actions as alien, but as an integral part of himself. Their gratification at his self-immolation is also his."
This link(props to jim) goes more into it, but puts it out better than I can.
How it would be ideally ^
...that wasn't the question nor the exercise...
Final failure and reaching a point where I can't improve anymore is the goal, whether thats finding im at my potential now or decades down the road. It's this goal that is responsible for the deathwish mentality and is responsible for the euphoria that I associate with injury. Simultaneously.......a part of me is defiant towards that mentality and is further enraged when I feel the relief of my limits being reached, they should go farther.
Hmmm..ok...
Use your own words...not Sam's...lol...although he is really good. The first quoted paragraph contains one sentence of relevance.
"...that wasn't the question nor the exercise..."
that graph is pretty simple and easy to get at one glance. It's too basic to have many interpretations, im a bit confused as to what you're asking.
"Use your own words...not Sam's...lol...although he is really good. The first quoted paragraph contains one sentence of relevance."
When I'm trying to express how this is experience is for me, I'll judge its relevance. I chose those 2 quotes out of that entire linked page for a reason