Sociopath Community

dude, this is so messed up... what you can do, now that you don't depend on your parents anymore, is that you could go get revenge on them. like seriously hurt them till you feel relieved. and be merciless about it. but do it in such a way that they can't get back at you. 

i mean, I've been thinking about the stuff you post here and I know what I would do is I'd go back and get revenge on the fuckers. Problem is that going by what you're saying, the only fair revenge would be to basically kill them and make them suffer until they die. and the problem with that is that it would get you in trouble and that's fucked up. but you can totally find ways to get back at them. like get friends of yours to beat the shit out of them. leave them in a pool of their own blood but alive and do that for like 3 or 4 times to each of them or stuff like that. Give them scars... I don't know. make their lives a living hell till you're satisfied about it.  

I mean, since right now, basically all the abuse stopped cause you don't depend on them anymore and you still have to deal with the shit they've put you through, mentally, I think what you should do is get relief through revenge if you can't in any other way. If they had done lighter shit to you I would've said, "Just forget about it, move on.". But since you can't move on because of how fucked up the shit was, and there is no fucking authority that will make justice in your situation, retroactively, I say... Take the law into your own hands.  

If you'd go to a therapist they'd try to help you get past the whole shit and they would try to deter you from revenge. Maybe they would even give you medication like antidepressants and that sort of shit but I hate that method because what it does is it basically turns you numb and into a vegetable, just so you can't feel the pain but you're not yourself anymore either. I don't know.

Another thing that you could do is turn your pain into art. You could just write down your memoire and tell everything that happened to you in detail and publish it and basically leave your parents to deal with public opinion and even sue them... maybe get justice that way. Again, I don't know. 

Bottom line is that all the abuse stopped and you could go on having a nice life if only you could somehow get past what your asshole parents did to you and put it all behind you. And I think you should try to do that BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. 

:P

I have many interests. I haven't been very informative on here. 

I have mentioned the bad things that have happened to me, but never the good. 

When I was young my parents dropped me off at a dance school as a form of after-care. I was interested in the live accompaniment, I was left there for so many hours I had nothing else to really do. I began writing my own music on the piano when no one was around. By the time I was eight I was arranging it on my computer, with some software I found laying around the house. I was just very bored. When I was ten the dance company took me on tour with them, I auditioned for a minor solo role. The only reason I was any good is because I was just there for so much time, I must of taken a dozen extra classes a week. There were several choreographers working there who I was close with- and originally I wanted to be one. Inspired by their work. My drama director at my school begged me to join the department, saying I had potential. I said I would think about it. Then a friend was too scared to audition for the school play so I said I would go with her- and the director told me to do a reading. I ended up getting the lead role, and several after that. I had to attend the club meetings, and we went to competitions. I did solo performances, and I also did the choreography for our group numbers. I got involved in community theatre after that, because I was interested in the paid positions. One of my dance teachers gave me private lessons during my involvement in theatre, helped me act, sing, audition better. She introduced me to a photographer who took photos of me, and introduced me to some agents. I also began working in independent film- I assisted with writing the script for one, and when they were editing it, there was an issue with copy right and they had no music. So I wrote some music for them, threw the whole thing together in a few hours. That film happened to win a few awards at a local festival, and from there I got a lot of attention. I did modelling and extra work on the side to pay for my expensive music habit- recording, buying equipment, playing live, assembling bands. My dad went to prison, and my mom died when I was 16. I had auditioned to get into a school for the performing arts, but now could no longer afford it. I transferred to a public school. By the time I was 17 I had several agents and producers, and a manger. I also began working with dean of the school of music at one of the local universities- he just happened to be conducting research on musicians who 'played by ear', and I took AP music theory my senior year of high school. He is the reason my music isn't complete shit on a stick. By the time I was 18 I was able to work on the set of several feature films in America- travelling back and forth from Mexico (where I was living at the time) and mainly Los Angeles, sometimes New Orleans and other cities. On set of one of these films is where I met a financial producer, who changed my life. From there opportunities continued to come. I travelled the world. After that I went to college for a semester- not yet willing to throw away my interest in architecture and the sciences. But then, I went back to Mexico, back to an abusive relationship with a guy. It was there that I studied astrophysics. I continued composing on the side. 

I left my abusive boyfriend eventually, a friend died and I went back home for the funeral- and never came back to Mexico. I also got involved with a girl who was completely psycho. After that I fell back into a party scene for the millionth time, like I had in high school, and in college. I started working with a producer who was, pretty prominent. I just called him one day and set up a session- he was looking for new artists to work with. 

After that I met a nice girl, who I ended up falling in love with. All the music I wrote and recorded was for her. The producer made a deal with me to bring me into his tight knit company, so that I would sell them my music essentially. I also sold my music to a company in New Orleans, to be placed in film. 

I focused on my studies for a year or so, architecture and biochemistry. I also took classes in humanities and environmentalism a long the way, because I like all of that. The university I was at had large sound proof buildings and I used those rooms to compose in. I recently quit school to do music full time- because I found myself spending 6-10 hours a day in the music building trying to keep up with deadlines and, seizing creativity as it came. 

The relationship with me and the girl went sour, and I started cheating on her. Falling back into drugs, drinking, playing girls. 

Me and the girl have gone back and forth for a while, but just recently I ended it with her finally- going back to the girl who was psycho, and then leaving her too. 

I've just been drinking and getting high for a while now. Trying to get my act together but, I can't. 

I've been depressed since my early teens, and I just posted some snippets from my journals on here. And it's really interesting to see that after all of this, I feel the same way I did when I was 13 years old. 

Nothing's changed, just everything is even more meaningless. I've become obsessed with my work now. I don't think I handled the loss of this last relationship very well but I am trying to make the best of it and move forward. She's just the only one who ever made me feel. She lied to me, and I got angry with her. And pushed her away completely. I've tried apologizing twice now, but she told me to leave her alone, that she was moving on and that I should too. This is someone who showed me pictures of kids and said "can we dress our kids like this." 

So as you can imagine, I had quite a future in mind with her. But now I am by myself, per usual. 

I have recently met a guy who is studying to be a physician however, and we seem to relate on a lot of things, have a decent chemistry. But I'm not sexually interested in males, so that's a problem. And I find it difficult to replace 'her' with any of the females that have come onto me lately- they're all like some weird knock off version. 

So much has happened, and I'm only 22. I just can't fathom what the future could possibly hold. I don't think I can really take anymore. I'm tired of air planes. I'm tired of people, of the industry. I'm tired of relationships. So I'd just rather not participate in any of that nonsense anymore. 

The company has put pressures on me to be produce a higher volume of work- so during the week I do stimulants to focus, and at night I drink to sleep. I'm enjoying the little world I belong to. But I know it won't last, things are always changing, this life I have here is temporary. 

Of all the places I've been in the United States I liked Martha's Vineyard the best, and I hope to move to New Port Rhode Island one day, a small place overlooking the water maybe. But it seems like in my life making any sort of a plan is a futile concept. Things are always changing. 

You can critique me all you like I suppose, but I can respond to it however I like as well. 

I originally started writing here because my girlfriend kept going through all my shit, I could dump it all here. 

It seems that writing is here is helping me to see things more clearly, where as when I wrote on paper I'd just loath myself for writing what I wrote and not think about anything long any enough to get any clarity. 

They're dead. 

The things I've mentioned on this thread, like my mom locking me in a room with nothing but a mattress- was a preferred form of punishment. My dad beat me senseless. 

but I did get my revenge eventually, he went to prison. 

It's common people with c-ptsd become obsessed with success or revenge.

As far as medications, there was a period of time where I was having pretty severe panic attacks frequently, resulting in vomiting. My mom (adoptive) insisted I go to the hospital because she thought there might have been something wrong internally. They prescribed me anti-anxieties so I took those for a while. But they made me a bit like a zombie so I stopped. 

I'm just wondering why you respond to it the way you do. Writing for all of us to read makes me think you want us to comment, yet when people attempt to you're quite quick to stomp that out.

What are you trying to understand of me exactly? I don't care to explain myself, why I do the things I do. Either you understand or you don't. Take it or leave it. 

Maiance stated: source post

I only aks so I understand. You want to die because you don't know how to handle everything?

Maybe so. 

"They're dead." 

Well, what's the problem then? why are you still dwelling on it? just throw a party and be glad that it's over. and get on with your life. you're young, you said you're 22. that's nothing. if not now, eventually, this will all just seem like a bad dream. but you have to move towards getting out of it. Just don't prolong it with self-destructive behavior. if anything, enjoy the pain cause you'll miss it when it's gone. you'll feel proud of yourself that you went through it. 

you probably still have this emotional baggage and don't know what to do with it and you can't forget about it cause it was too painful for you, yet you can't express it cause nobody's interested. just get a tattoo ... make what happened into something tangible so you can let it go from your mind. make a sculpture, write a poem. i think a tattoo would go best with it. idk. just imagine you're downloading all of that emotional baggage onto something else so you don't have to carry it inside anymore... 

I'm wondering whether you want people to engage with you or not since your approach towards us, your audience, strikes me as somewhat ambivalent.

I don't feel much of anything anymore unless I am having a panic attack or extremely angry. It's fine.