Don't be such a submissive little cunt. Do want you want and don't be sorry.
well, it's cool. don't take having a panic attack as a bad thing or angry as a bad thing. just find something you enjoy doing even during those times. like go run if you have a panic attack. or go to a shooting range or take up some boxing or fighting sport.
just don't get too depressed. remember... it's just a matter of waiting out the clock till you stop feeling like this.
imagine what happened to you is a wound that you need to wait till it heals. you can't see the wound but it's there. you just have to wait till it heals. and because you can't go out and play cause you're wearing a cast, doesn't mean you won't ever be able to go out and play. it just means you have to find something to do indoors till you can remove the cast. and like, it's shitty cause it itches and all your friends are out playing. and you feel like you want to kill yourself. just know that it will pass with time ... you just have to find ways to enjoy yourself.
and the fact that everybody annoys you and you don't like anything it's also cause of the wound. it's like trying to walk with a broken leg. it hurts and you have a limp. but it's not that the world changed. it's just you trying to walk on a limp foot. just get used to the pain and enjoy it. really. i'm a bit masochistic myself. i actually like pain. when i was 13 i started cutting myself. i engage in risky behavior. i have like 1000 scars on my skin, broken bones and so on and a lot of stuff on the inside too. but i'm telling you ... once the pain is over, that part that already broke won't break as easily next time. just keep pushing forward. i like the pain but if you don't like it, it's still ok. you just have to put your mind to something else. you know what i mean...
i swear i'm fucking having an orgasm now thinking about the pain you're going through. I like the way it hurts. it hurts so good!
blanc stated: source post
So you ask me all these questions, you have this whole conversation just so you can have the enjoyment of sitting there and judging me? And then making your negative opinions of me known- picking at me like a vulture.
Fuck off.
Not necessary to be rude...lol....You are feeling judged....? That would be your projection...
Negative opinions? There were none stated by me...lol...that is all in YOUR head....not mine.
blanc stated: source post
she locked me in a room with nothing but a mattress. When I escaped and searched for my phone to contact someone, she had disabled the service, and the wifi in the house. If I did escape, I would have nothing but the clothes on my back.
Eventually I devised a plan that would allow me to at least have some help. I made my escape, hopped in the car with them. They dropped me off at a coffee shop, and never came back for me.
My phone had no service on it, and there was no wifi. So my only option was to befriend random strangers. The area I was in was too dangerous to just walk around in the middle of the night on my own, I needed a place to sleep.
The people I befriended enjoyed my company, but after hours of visiting they all left, each with different excuses as to why they couldn't give me a place to stay- just one night.
At this point my options were slim, and two guys came up to me wanting to start a conversation. I went with it. I said I was hungry and I would kill for a ride to McDonald's, I was just looking for an excuse to get in their car. We ordered our food and when it came time to pay I said, "oh darn, I forgot my wallet." And they paid for my food. Which was nice, because I was starving.
They were both high on something. They insisted we drive to another town and drop acid in this one particular spot there- that it was special. I said sure why not. I had no where else to go.
I woke up on a park bench and it was daylight. I said, "where's xyz" (one of the guys was missing). He said that he went to work. I was disappointed, considering he was the one with the car. "He'll be back at this time to come get us." So I waited an hour past that time, and he still hadn't come. I said, "I don't think he's coming." He said, "oh no, he definitely is." I found the situation fishy- why would just leave your friend in a park?? It made no sense. The guy talked a lot, and the more he talked, the more I realized he was completely insane. Like, this guy might murder me, crazy. Completely insane.
I said I was going to take a nap, and pretended to be asleep. Finally he got up and walked off to this lake in the distance. And then he started to pee. I took the opportunity to run, I figured it was likely this was my only chance. So I ran as fast as I could, through the thick forest, until finally I made it to a busy road, and kept running.
I had no idea where I was, but I had a little phone battery left, and if I could get to a McDonald's I could connect to wifi. I had already asked everyone I knew to help me, give me a place to stay, the night that I was abandoned in the coffee shop.
But this time I asked for help from the people who I knew had bad intentions. Guys who had stalked me, guys who were angry at me for not dating them, or tried to threaten me into having sex with them. People who sold my friend fake cocaine, who cut drugs with other chemicals just for their own profit.
I begged people "please. I only have 2% phone battery and I will be stuck here with no where to sleep tonight. I will sleep on your floor. I will sleep in your backyard. Please." I lied and said I had money to pay them.
I was surprised at the number of people that wouldn't help me. It's like they didn't want to get involved. Everyone had a different reason.
Finally someone agreed to come and get me. I was so exhausted, and dirty, I decided to go to the bathroom and try and clean myself up. I knew the guy that was coming was only coming because he found me attractive- so I was going to use this to let me stay with him as long as I needed.
I was so worried while I waited, worried he wouldn't show, that when he did, I walked out of the McDonald's and said "thank god you're here." He got off his motor cycle and said "what?" and I said "thank you. you have no idea. thank you." and I hugged him, and started crying. And I took a step back and said "sorry." and sobbed, rubbing the tears off my face.
My plan to appear attractive wasn't going very well. I wiped my face with my shirt and then looked at him and smiled, "you're so sweet." Boosting his ego.
He said, "where's my kiss." and then I hesitated for a second. Walked up to him, and kissed him gently. When I tried to back away he pulled me by my belt loops, and put his hands on my ass. Someone walked by us and said, "get a room." and I looked at him trying to say PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME with my eyes wide. But he hardly looked at me.
He said, "kiss me again." and I did, another tear came down and I wiped it away as he turned around, grabbing his helmet. He said, "now I only have one helmet do you want it?" and I said, "yes." and he said "just kidding, you can't have it. get on bitch."
I'd never ridden a motorcycle before at this point, and I was kind of terrified. He said, "I'm on cocaine right now so, this should be fun. Which route should I take?" and I said, "not this road, it's too busy." and he said, "well then how will we have any fun?"I wrapped my arms around him, he swerved in and out of cars, blowing past them. Finally we stopped at a red light, and a man rolled down his window to say to him, "is that your girlfriend?" and he said, "yes." i just looked at him like ???? I wasn't his girlfriend. The man said, "well if you love her you'd give her a helmet." he said something along the lines of, "fuck you." and the man rolled up the window. I tried to mouth to him, "HELP ME"
but he never looked at me.
We ended up going to a fair that has happening nearby, I was forced to hold his hand and act like I was his girlfriend. He did buy me food so that was nice. I couldn't call the police at this point because I noticed my phone had been stolen. I later figured out someone snatched it in the McDonald's- it must of slipped out of my pocket. If I ran, I'd have nothing. I didn't believe there was anything the police would do but just return me home to my mother. In previous situations it was very difficult to prove to them I was being abused by my father, because I was threatened into lying for him. He stood behind a glass door in the house and motioned to me what to say as I was interviewed. If I didn't do so he was going to kill me. I put my hands out on the table in front of me and tapped my fingers and the man said to me, "have you been threatened or coerced to lie?" and I said, "no." and then tapped my fingers. The man was so bored with his job, he hardly cared- his eyes were down checking off boxes on his clip board. He hardly looked at me.
My dad smiled and waved at the man good bye. And as soon as the car was gone he grabbed me and forced me to put my hands on the table. They were shaking, and I was crying because- I had always dreamed of the day someone came and saved me. And, well, I wasn't saved at all. In fact now I was completely screwed. Because there was legal, documented proof from an official that I wasn't being abused.
He broke my fingers on my left hand for tapping them, and then I was locked in my room until morning. I believe more happened that night than just breaking my fingers, but I don't remember it. I just know the next day while I was at school, I was so sore I couldn't go up the stairs.
everything that happened after the fair, was very bad. After spending enough time being basically homeless, going from place to place to place- eventually I came home. I figured sleeping on a nice mattress under her control was a life I was better suited for, than the life I had on my own. The life I had made for myself was, not any better than that. At least I had guaranteed food and shelter. And that's when I found her dead.
unbelievable.
