by thesugargirlso you want to kill cos of the rush associated with getting caught, but the reason you wouldn't kill anyone is fear of being caught? lol
Who said I wouldn't kill? You have no idea what I would or wouldn't do.
Just because I have no desire to get caught, does not mean I am afraid of going to prison. Going to prison does not scare me. I simply value my freedom.
"A "mere murderer". You make it sound so plain and mundane and, maybe to you, a "mere murderer" is exactly that."
Yeah, because what they're doing isn't as big a deal as others make it out to be, there were entire eras where slaughter was fairly normal, even a game in the gladiatorial sense of things when compared to now. You even yourself pointed out the insignificance of people. Do they only become significant to you in death?
"I don't care about their life other than to end it an any way I choose. Torture is merely foreplay. Keeping someone alive for too long would bore me."
Funny, while you see torture as foreplay I see death as the unfortunate orgasm that'd make it all have to stop, the point where the moment is gone where all you have left is the aftermath and the inevitability of the appetite returning more strongly. Without buildup it'd be empty.
How long is "too long"?
"I only have one blog and it's not about seeking fame. It's about expressing my inner desires, my homicidal urges."
I thought while looking through older posts from other forums I saw a few blog links... oh well, it's largely irrelevant.
It expresses your desires and urges, yes, but I doubt you're really anti-fame beyond not wanting to dig a hole too deep for you to climb out of. You mention wanting to go out with a bang, wanting to arrange heists, that's not just adrenal-based, that's about glory as well.
"Why not both - give in to my carnal desires and give them immortality through the written word or some other form of artistic expression."
I was meaning both, since your murders would be what would attract more people to the written words you've put out there. They'd solely care to learn your motivations after the actions themselves have inspired them to want to know more, pretty much like the lore delving that's followed all great killers people sensationalize. To do that however there'd need to be something about the murders that makes them more than run of the mill, as people are rather jaded towards murder media these days.
"It hold would more appeal knowing the 'art' is based on fact. Wouldn't you agree?"
In this case yes, but there'd need to be some sort of accent to draw people in. Can you imagine how boring the show "Dexter" would be without all the plastic wrap dramatics and flashbacks?
"Yes, why not. Challenging the law is appealing in itself."
What makes the law a worthy challenge? Hiding yourself is as simple as leaving no trace and targeting people with no connection to you once past that internal barrier that stops most people.
"No, not likely. It would just lose it's appeal and I would seek other avenues for excitement.Murder isn't the only thing that interests me."
But it'd increase the challenge and risk!
"Well, of course, but watching someone suffer is only appealing for so long. Then it's just boring."
How long?
"I find death fascinating. Well, not death as such, but the process of dying. It's something that has fascinated me since childhood."
Finally, answers I like. Childhood's where it began?
"In a way, it's like playing God. It's a powerful feeling. Of course, I'm not really a God. I'm aware it's an illusion, but that doesn't make the power any less desirable."
Can't accomplish that same sense of power without murder? I personally see more power from someone who can believably prove they could do something or perhaps have in the past, but have enough control to not follow a chronic pattern. It makes the threat real enough while having the person who has to live with that fear changing them into something else.
As someone who was once post traumatic and has had to face some near-death and threatening bits, realizing at any moment I could have been killed from being too weak carried a lot of pain, and that pain to me is more significant than the easy answer, the sweet release from it that death would have been. Living with pain is far harder than dying, and if I were the type to spread misery and woe, I'd see that sort of act as far closer to Playing God than just the sense of restraint and destruction you find powerful.
Perhaps it's that I find more fun in the notion of "Playing Satan" than "Playing God"~
"That's not to say that I feel powerless unless I can kill someone."
You do... in a less literal sense. You feel at points powerless when the hunger hits a point, hence the blog.
"Thus, the destruction of it is also powerful."
But with the right added touch, that destruction could carry so much more than just a notch on your death count.
I don't see life as a "powerful thing" beyond the hype others give it, but I suppose that's no reason to try to crush the hype others treat so dearly.
"I know you'll consider that 'hype' as well, but to me, it's more than that."
Just because you take it seriously doesn't make it any less an example of hype, it just means that you take that specific hype seriously. Hype is simply to "promote or publicize (a product or idea) intensively, often exaggerating its importance or benefits", so to me everything is hype since most things to me are just arbitrary in a solidified groupthink fashion, the product of a changed age that doesn't see things as the hype it once was. The differences in opinion from the collective are just as arbitrary, but at least it carries that fabricated feeling of uniqueness that can so cleverly distract from the boring truth of things.
"Murder is not just about ending a life. It's about taking risks and creating a challenge."
Creativity can increase the challenge you create for yourself, as can putting handicaps on yourself to make things harder.
"It's about feeling alive and a sense of omnipotence, if only for a brief moment in time."
That's why I'd venture stretching it out. Like a good lay, the longer you edge and keep yourself from orgasming, the better the release feels once you reach that point. It's like the difference between wolfing down fast food and eating a home cooked meal slowly, savoring it.
we've got to find what we've got to find
we've got to hide what we've got to hide
we're gonna shop 'til we drop
we're gonna shop 'til we drop
when the bargain bins full of useless things
turn, and bring this world down
we're gonna shop 'til we drop
we're gonna shop 'til we drop
we've got to earn what we've got to earn
we've got to hurt what we've go to hurt
we're gonna shop 'til we drop
we're gonna shop 'til we drop
when the priests and the kings and the business men
all stop holding hands
we're gonna shop 'til we drop
we're gonna shop 'til we drop
when father christmans and the kray twins
burn all the wedding rings
we're gonna shop 'til we drop
we're gonna shop 'til we drop
by TurncoatSo there's no willingness to explore an origin, simply "Past happened, now I like killing"?
I had an interest in murder as a child. Even in early childhood I remember drawing pictures depicting people dying in violent ways. And I know it's not trauma related because I never experienced trauma.
I've wondered sometimes if it's not just part of my nature.
Would you say it's glory, or just an appetite, that pushes this?
No, not glory. There's definitely an 'appetite' for it though.
When I go into the city and I'm amongst a lot of people, it's like I automatically go into hunt mode so to speak. It's like a switch inside me that just turns on.
I see potential prey everywhere.
"If I wanted to write a book, I would write one, regardless of the risk of facing disappointment."
What's stopping you, too much effort? Is it too difficult?
Just because I've written a few murder stories doesn't mean I want to write a whole fucking book.
That would require more effort and I just don't have enough interest to do it. At least, not at this stage anyway.
"The hunger I experience for the kill is really no different than the instinct and need to eat when I am literally hungry. The only difference is that one just happens to be a desire for murder, instead of food."
How does that not make you a victim of yourself? It stops being purely a choice once it becomes a compulsion.
It's always a choice. I can choose to act on my urges, or not to act on them. It's not as though I have no self-control.
"Does it really matter either way.... People are going to have their own opinion regardless of what I do."
It does if you aim to carve your own path with some pride. If you were to die without it, it'd make your story into a tragedy.
When I'm dead, nothing will matter anyway. So, who cares.
It's not that difficult to sensationalize yourself after you've been proven to have killed people. It's a matter of charisma and guile, taking advantage of a situation instead of being it's bitch because you "finally got caught". If you're as manipulative as you claim, you'd not see Prison as purely a Game Over scenario and instead as making the best of an unfortunate chapter.
I really don't have much desire to sensationalize myself. I really don't see how I would benefit from it other than to get attention and fame, and what good is that to me if I'm in a prison cell. Then again, who knows what I would do if I was actually caught for murder.
I'd rather be free and remain as a nobody, then have some kind of infamy and be stuck behind bars.
"Even in early childhood I remember drawing pictures depicting people dying in violent ways."
A lot of people I knew did that sort of thing, and they aren't trying to go on about how they kill people.
"And I know it's not trauma related because I never experienced trauma."
You might have numbed your way through it, and as a means of self-preservation have separated yourself from the ability to recognize the damage. It's not uncommon.
"Just because I've written a few murder stories doesn't mean I want to write a whole fucking book."
Not all books have to be big.
"It's always a choice. I can choose to act on my urges, or not to act on them. It's not as though I have no self-control."
Just because you choose when you eat a meal and what the meal is doesn't mean you necessarily have the means to stop eating. If the blood lust is like an appetite, the element of "choice" is rather limited. Eventually that hunger won't give you a choice.
"When I'm dead, nothing will matter anyway. So, who cares."
So you accept that your story, if you were to die now, would be a tragedy, a possibly prideless one? Not the death itself, but the life that lead to it?
"I'd rather be free and remain as a nobody, then have some kind of infamy and be stuck behind bars."
Freedom is just another cage. The life you lead now is in its own sense another prison.
"In reality, depending on location and situation, there are time constraints and potential witnesses. The location isn't always convenient to torture the victim before the kill.The location isn't always convenient to torture the victim before the kill."
So just plan around that.
"The past is ancient history. The things that happened in it only ever mattered while they were happening and even then it didn't impact me a great deal."
So there's no willingness to explore an origin, simply "Past happened, now I like killing"?
"That's pretty much the same same as fame, isn't it?"
Kinda? It has multiple definitions. In this case I'm meaning closer to:
a) magnificence; great beauty.
b) take great pride or pleasure in. (more a than b.)
The "Glory Hound" for example is one who chases those things at others expense, like a warrior in battle that focuses so much on bloodshed that he doesn't even notice his own companions being struck down. The reference of a "Glorious Battle" would be one that typically means it was one that went favorably and was one to remember.
Would you say it's glory, or just an appetite, that pushes this?
"If I wanted to write a book, I would write one, regardless of the risk of facing disappointment."
What's stopping you, too much effort? Is it too difficult?
"I really don't understand how you could even consider that a possibility. How is killing anyone an act of cowardice?"
You're reading it backwards. I was questioning how many anarchists that choose not to kill are only doing so out of cowardice instead of better reasons.
"Why would I need to practice robbing something smaller first? It's not as though putting on a balaclava and holding a gun to someone's head requires a lot of skill."
Wow... nevermind. 
"Why should giving in to one's homicidal impulses be viewed any differently than, say, giving in to one's desire to eat something unhealthy?"
Because of the lack of self control that comes from if it's from an appetite. It's closer to someone who can't help themselves when they start obsessing over unhealthy food.
"The hunger I experience for the kill is really no different than the instinct and need to eat when I am literally hungry. The only difference is that one just happens to be a desire for murder, instead of food."
How does that not make you a victim of yourself? It stops being purely a choice once it becomes a compulsion.
Technically hunger is a weakness, but because it is a shared weakness across all life it's generally overlooked. Someone who never had to eat food to survive would have far more advantages over the usual person.
"Humans are natural predators after all (well, some of us anyway. The rest are potential prey)"
Humans are about as predatory as a beaver mixed with a monkey and a rat. We build things and seek higher ground, living as well as we did and given the time to become intelligent enough to hit the point we're at now mostly because we don't taste that great to most animals. It's on the backs of others former intelligence that we are separated almost entirely from the Predator/Prey model, as overtime with developments hunting transforms to become for sport as opposed to survival, and most who are hunting would not be doing nearly as well without the developments of those before them. Without the past, we'd for the most part be just prey that many animals don't particularly favor the taste of.
We're closer to gatherers than hunters, using what's around us to get around what would stop us from gathering instead of living purely for the hunt. Hunting's so non-essential to those with an advanced enough setup that it's devolved into a form of decadence. We'd likely be more predatory if we weren't omnivorous.
"Does it really matter either way.... People are going to have their own opinion regardless of what I do."
It does if you aim to carve your own path with some pride. If you were to die without it, it'd make your story into a tragedy.
"If I get caught for murder (hypothetically speaking), I'm not so delusional as to think that people will praise me for it. I know how society thinks. Hell, even my own daughter would probably get verbally attacked over it and she has nothing to do with anything I've done."
It's not that difficult to sensationalize yourself after you've been proven to have killed people. It's a matter of charisma and guile, taking advantage of a situation instead of being it's bitch because you "finally got caught". If you're as manipulative as you claim, you'd not see Prison as purely a Game Over scenario and instead as making the best of an unfortunate chapter.
With the right tact and wordplay, you could have people sending you letters and everything, plus Prison'd certainly grant more than enough time to finally write that book. Not saying Prison ought to be the goal, but if it comes up you could aim to make the best of it and even in some ways thrive from within there.
by TurncoatAnd you think those secrets are specifically a desire toward blood lust driven murder?
Nope, not all of them, but some people's secrets certainly are.
What someone draws or how someone acts as a kid only tells so much, there has to be more to it than just "I drew death, and then I BECAME IT!".
Nobody is claiming that. So, don't be so fucking dramatic.
I've already told you what my motivations are, yet you keep going on as though there must to be something deeper.
Why does there have to be anything deeper than wanting to kill for the excitement and pleasure of it? For wanting to feel the kind of power that makes you feel like a God, if only briefly?
I actually think an accurate retelling of that occurrence could tell more about you than your boasts.
My boasts? What exactly am I boasting about?
When it's a matter of feeding something, instead of just how you get things done? You appear a victim of yourself. A mafia killing is "just business", your claims come from a hunger. That makes it a weakness, and that weakness makes it into a tragedy.
Hunger equals want, desire. You think those mafia hitmen don't also experience a hunger for the kill and take pleasure in it?
When does it stop becoming a weakness, according to you. When someone starts killing for other people??
If a soldier wants to kill people and enjoys it every time he puts a bullet in someone, is he weak?
When you take away all the reasons and motivations for wanting to kill people, murder becomes nothing more than a choice. It doesn't take any deep, complex reasoning to make that choice.
"After awhile, murder becomes an addiction, the compulsion to kill grows stronger and the urges feel like a curse. Prison is the only way to stop it. Well, that or suicide."
But why would they desire to make it stop?
Because it has become an unhealthy obsession. They've reached a point where they know they've lost control.
Do you desire to make it stop?
No.