"Everyone has their secrets."
And you think those secrets are specifically a desire toward blood lust driven murder? If it were enough of an issue to always be on their mind in some fashion it either would have come up at some point or they'd begin avoiding me before it'd hit the point of being questionable (after enough time they expect me to be reading their motives, which doesn't always keep people around). There's a drive within most people to find enjoyment in hurting another, one I can usually exploit, and when others are sharing that desire it often brings out their own examples if they have yet to act on it. If they have acted on it, it's likely that they'd drop their guard somewhere, even if only a flash reveal of how strange it is to hear about it from those who've yet to act on it. People love to talk, to reveal on some level, and certain angles only push that further.
While murderous impulses are common enough, murder itself, in first world nations, isn't (anymore anyway).
"That girl you commented about could be a serial killer and you wouldn't even know it. People are very easy to deceive. How do you think serial killers get away with murder for so long without anybody suspecting a thing."
It might be foolish on my part to think so, but I think I'd have an edge with seeing that coming over the common person. That specific person at least I know that to not be the case simply from the opportunities to do so not being there, and the person's nature not suggesting even sadistic ideation (she's more of a sub who likes to top on occasion to feel powerful). What someone draws or how someone acts as a kid only tells so much, there has to be more to it than just "I drew death, and then I BECAME IT!".
"You might think you're the exception when it comes to deception because people are willing to open up to you, but don't kid yourself. Even you can be fooled."
At the very least they'd be a cut above the average person to get away with it without telegraphing it in some fashion.
"That's true, but it's not always the reason. There can be any number of reasons why children draw violent images."
And what makes yours not as trivial as theirs? Just it being paired next to your claims of murder? That alone is not enough to take seriously, there must be more if you really aim to use the Childhood angle.
"Well, I have acted on my homicidal impulses once because I lost control,but that was only one occasion and the guy I tried to kill survived anyway. So, it doesn't really count."
I actually think an accurate retelling of that occurrence could tell more about you than your boasts.
"I still have enough self-control most of the time to control what I do and how I do it, or not do, as the case may be."
When it's a matter of feeding something, instead of just how you get things done? You appear a victim of yourself. A mafia killing is "just business", your claims come from a hunger. That makes it a weakness, and that weakness makes it into a tragedy.
"After awhile, murder becomes an addiction, the compulsion to kill grows stronger and the urges feel like a curse. Prison is the only way to stop it. Well, that or suicide."
But why would they desire to make it stop? Do you desire to make it stop?
by Turncoat"Even in early childhood I remember drawing pictures depicting people dying in violent ways."
A lot of people I knew did that sort of thing, and they aren't trying to go on about how they kill people.
Of course they're not, because it's not a topic that most people are willing to talk about with people who know them. Of course, I'm not saying that everyone who draws violent pictures as children grows up to want to kill people, but even if one or two of the people you know do, they're not likely to share that with you.
A lot of people I know don't know that I get urges to kill either because I don't talk about it with them. Online is different. Here, I can share my interests, my desires, my experiences more anonymously. At least to a degree anyway. though, even online you have to be careful what you say.
You might have numbed your way through it, and as a means of self-preservation have separated yourself from the ability to recognize the damage. It's not uncommon.
The possibility exists I suppose, but I don't believe that's the case because I really don't remember anything affecting me that much to want to numb it to begin with.
With that said, I'm not denying that it screwed with my head a little bit. It created a lot of trust issues I know that much.
Just because you choose when you eat a meal and what the meal is doesn't mean you necessarily have the means to stop eating. If the blood lust is like an appetite, the element of "choice" is rather limited. Eventually that hunger won't give you a choice.
I'm aware of that. That is actually a concern of mine. I don't want to reach the stage where I have no self-control left, where I can no longer control how I act.
So you accept that your story, if you were to die now, would be a tragedy, a possibly prideless one? Not the death itself, but the life that lead to it?
People go on about leaving some legacy behind and being remembered after they're dead, but I don't see the point in that.
I don't give a fuck what people think of my life once I'm dead. The things I've done only matter to me and I do take pride in them. What the rest of the world thinks is irrelevant.
With that said, I have no desire to die anytime soon. So, who knows what story the rest of my life will tell before my time is up.
Freedom is just another cage. The life you lead now is in its own sense another prison.
If that's true, then better the prison I'm in now than the one I could be in.
by TurncoatYou underestimate how much people are usually willing to tell me.
You can't assume they're telling you everything though when you don't really know that. Just because they're sharing some of their 'dark' interests with you, doesn't mean they're willing to share all of them.
Everyone has their secrets.
I knew someone who, as a child, beat the crap out of everyone with a plastic phone. You wouldn't know that from how friendly she is now, nor from her lack of violent impulses against people that is the case now.
You do realize that it's easy to deceive people, right?
Everyone who knows me in real life thinks I'm friendly and non-violent too. Well, everyone except my mother. She thinks I have the devil in me.
That girl you commented about could be a serial killer and you wouldn't even know it. People are very easy to deceive. How do you think serial killers get away with murder for so long without anybody suspecting a thing.
You might think you're the exception when it comes to deception because people are willing to open up to you, but don't kid yourself. Even you can be fooled.
With the way media makes violence into such an open thing, it's no shocker that kids would draw and glamorize it in some fashion.
That's true, but it's not always the reason. There can be any number of reasons why children draw violent images.
"I don't want to reach the stage where I have no self-control left, where I can no longer control how I act."
That's what makes it a tragedy, what makes you into a victim.
I can see how it would make me a victim of my own compulsions if I had no self control left and purely acted on impulse, even when I didn't want to, but since that is not the case...
Well, I have acted on my homicidal impulses once because I lost control, but that was only one occasion and the guy I tried to kill survived anyway. So, it doesn't really count. I still have enough self-control most of the time to control what I do and how I do it, or not do, as the case may be.
From how sensationalized serial killers made it look anyway, I always imagined them viewing the place as a "Retirement" of sorts. I don't see the appeal, but I don't really share their views.
I don't know anything about that, but I do know that some serial killers allowed themselves to get caught (by that, I mean, they stopped being as meticulous as they were previously, making it easier for detectives to find them) because they couldn't stop killing.
After awhile, murder becomes an addiction, the compulsion to kill grows stronger and the urges start to feel like a curse. Prison is the only way to stop it. Well, that or suicide.
"but even if one or two of the people you know do, they're not likely to share that with you."
You underestimate how much people are usually willing to tell me. I tend to, in person anyway, get a fair amount of dark things out of people from being seen as unbiased if not the sort of "interested" they could trust. As an example, I knew someone who, as a child, beat the crap out of everyone with a plastic phone. You wouldn't know that from how friendly she is now, nor from her lack of violent impulses against people that is the case now.
With the way media makes violence into such an open thing, it's no shocker that kids would draw and glamorize it in some fashion.
"The possibility exists I suppose, but I don't believe that's the case because I really don't remember anything affecting me that much to want to numb it to begin with."
Exactly.
"I don't want to reach the stage where I have no self-control left, where I can no longer control how I act."
That's what makes it a tragedy, what makes you into a victim.
"People go on about leaving some legacy behind and being remembered after they're dead, but I don't see the point in that."
Pride maybe? I don't really see the point in it either, but I do at least see it in the half-hearted fashion of not wanting to be remembered in an embarrassing fashion.
"If that's true, then better the prison I'm in now then the one I could be in."
From how sensationalized serial killers made it look anyway, I always imagined them viewing the place as a "Retirement" of sorts. I don't see the appeal, but I don't really share their views.
"Nobody is claiming that. So, don't be so fucking dramatic."
You'll have to excuse me, I'm a Thespian. 
"Why does there have to be anything deeper than wanting to kill for the excitement and pleasure of it? For wanting to feel the kind of power that makes you feel like a God, if only briefly?"
Because if it was that simple then more people would be following that exact pattern. There's more because otherwise you'd be willing to settle for less. There's a reason behind all of it even if you've yet to recognize it.
"My boasts? What exactly am I boasting about?"
I'll let someone else answer that one.
"You think those mafia hitmen don't also experience a hunger for the kill and take pleasure in it?"
Taking pleasure in it isn't always the product of a "hunger", and a hunger would mean that, if deprived of it for too long, it'd drive them mad. It's more likely to be a comfort with killing than an appetite, at least overtime from a "Natural Selection" of sorts ridding of those who can't help themselves.
"When does it stop becoming a weakness, according to you. When someone starts killing for other people??"
It becomes a weakness when, if not fed, it'd take a life of it's own, when if you do nothing about it that you start to unravel. Killing being easy or necessary and killing being a form of feeding yourself are separate. It drives you to act, you write your blog as an outlet for it, that means your means of control is self maintenance at best.
It's like comparing someone who sells drugs to someone who sells drugs and partakes in those very same drugs. One of them does it to grow while the other does it to feed an appetite.
"If a soldier wants to kill people and enjoys it every time he puts a bullet in someone, is he weak?"
That depends on what he becomes when he can't kill people any longer, what his motivating factor behind the killing was.
"When you take away all the reasons and motivations for wanting to kill people, murder becomes nothing more than a choice. It doesn't take any deep, complex reasoning to make that choice."
But why would you take those away? People kill for a reason, so why not focus on the people themselves, their reasons for it? How easy that choice is, how difficult that choice is, why they do it, how they do it, and above all what motivates it are what are worth focusing on, because it is not the typical conclusion to fall on without some sort of initially external factor instigating it.
You have obviously never witnessed business collapse. I've been through two, and one was a direct result of a feuding couple that was divorcing.
It means there is strength in numbers, and vengeance is the yin to the yang.
Let's put it this way, the people I know, lost both their eyes, and arms, and legs, and they are still throwing punches at each other...
I am fairly sure the marriage was shorter than the war... Isn't that always the way it is? With most people, not all people...
"Whoever said, an eye for an eye makes the world go blind was wrong. Everyone has two eyes, if each person were to take one eye from each other, one person would be left with one eye."
I always figured the implication was that people would likely make more than one mistake in their lifetime, a two strikes sort of thing.
I wonder what they'd take when they run out of eyes.
by Turncoat"When you take away all the reasons and motivations for wanting to kill people, murder becomes nothing more than a choice. It doesn't take any deep, complex reasoning to make that choice."
But why would you take those away? People kill for a reason, so why not focus on the people themselves, their reasons for it?
You're not talking about other people though. It's my reasons you keep inquiring about and I've told you already.
There is nothing more to discuss.
If you're really that afraid of introspection, just say so. I'm sure the times must have been blurry and troubling to make you into what you are now, even with what little you've allowed yourself to talk about it. I'll spare you the heartache of reliving a past you'd rather keep forgotten.