.
I was detecting sluttiness from the dog, not you. And don't sell yourself short by calling yourself that just because some sexual deviant made you do that type of stuff. Where's your pride?
You really should observe our behavior so you can avoid people like us ;) Don't be deceived by our charm though, we're animals...some more ruthless than others.
I don't find it offensive. Maybe because he and whoever else called me that so many times I'm just immune to it. My behavior before him falls in line with that. What would you call someone that has multiple sexual affairs? Now I know it was all because I wanted someone to love me but then I just thought I wanted attention.
He was not my first pathological experience. I can see that this was a steady descend and yes, that's why I'm still here. I'm hoping that by being around yall I can be more aware and less naive.
Pride. He specifically told me multiple times that he wanted whatever pride I had left, and said it wasn't much. Now of course I see so many red flags but then I just thought he wanted me to be entirely devoted and submissive to him. This is going to take time though, every day I doubt that he's truly a sociopath or narc. Every day I miss him because being he emcompassed so much of my life, gradually, but in the end he was a part of everything. And even now I'm the one to blame for things not working out. This bothers me so much and I don't understand how he could be so emphatic about wanting something, getting it from me and then telling me it's the reason he doesn't want me.
Well I would call someone with multiple affairs promiscuous, it just sounds classier than slutty. And people always make that mistake of thinking it’s “love†they’re looking for when they have several partners like that but it’s also more than attention too…they’re missing something from their lives but they’re not entirely sure what it is. These random relationships only band aide the underlining problem and I’ve come to learn that as time passes and you start to get older you start to get desperate to find that missing piece and choose hastily and wind up miserable. This isn’t from personal experience but from an observation.
A girl is trying to have a relationship with me atm, she’s young, sweet and very eager to be with me but none of those traits I hold in high regard. A young girl in my eyes is immature and her sweet factor tells me that she’ll easily be put off by my true behavior and that I’ll have to wear a fucking mask every time I’m with her. And last but not least the very eager to be with me is so pathetic…there’s no challenge…and what she doesn’t understand is there’s nothing she can do to make me want her, it’s just easier looking for someone else than trying to change her.
And don’t waste your time thinking about him Amanda, he was done with you long before he left you. There was nothing you could have done to change his mind.
She'll either be put off by it or she'll endure it (or embrace it, like I did), letting you bring her down completely. Would you feel guilt for that or just the nuisance of having to deal with the outcome until you can get rid of her?
Yes, you're right about the first part. While this has been the most painful experience I've ever had, it did show me so much about myself including the missing piece(s) that I was looking for. I wish I could stop thinking about him but I just don't understand and unfortunately I get extremely focused on something that I want to learn about. While I know he has sociopathic traits, there are also narc traits as well. I can't pinpoint him exactly and this causes me to doubt which lets confusion creep in. I want to understand so that I can protect myself better and maybe get enough confirmation to stop this self blame bullshit.
It sounds like you need a good palate cleanser. You need to go out find a guy who you think is really hot and just have sex with him. Take on the dominate role. Don't give names or phone numbers. Just tell him what he's going to do for you. Guys are easy and should be no problem for an attractive woman like youself.
Ok, I just actually read this thread, and a few things jumped out at me straight away. The first is that you allowed him to verbally and emotionally abuse you in such a manner. You later stated that you learned to "tolerate" it- and even embraced it. When asked whether or not you got off on humiliation, you deflected away from the question by claiming to have little knowledge about yourself. This could be because you sniffed out the predatory tone in which it was asked of you, but I have a sense it runs a bit deeper than that.
You clearly have very poor self-esteem. A part of you, in a convoluted, pathological fashion, "enjoyed" verbalizing those demeaning things about yourself, because they represented an exteriorization- a cathartic release- of your deepest insecurities and the shameful burden of your self-loathing. You needed someone to help you to overcome these insecurities by cutting you down- and there are many socios and narcs who will gladly tear you apart- but you failed to choose wisely in terms of selecting a person who would also build you back up. Unless a psychopath is benevolent, self-aware, and genuinely invested in you, he will not seek to do this. (In fact, if you fail to enforce a very strong, rigid policy of absolute intolerance, he will ramrod you, just because he can, and discard you thereafter. In my opinion, the only hope for a psychopath to maintain a long term relationship is to be with someone who calls him on all his bullshit and challenges him intellectually. If he can dominate and outsmart you, you will only be another victim in his frequently unconscious pathological cycle of abuse.)
Someone suggested that you go out and assume the dominant role in a sexual encounter. While you may enjoy that, I have a sneaking suspicion that you're submissive, although you may not be fully cognizant of that tendency. A good dom might be able to provide a lot of what you crave, without the abuse. A trustworthy partner will respect your boundaries, and help you face up and work through some of those deeply rooted insecurities, and gain measure of self-acceptance. But don't ever make yourself vulnerable to someone unworthy of your trust. Like your ex. He's trash. Learn from your mistakes. Dispose of him efficiently, methodically and brutally by surgically excising him from your life. No excuses. If you aren't even strong enough to do that- you'll get what you asked for, and only have yourself to blame for it.