I see you put your picture up. Don't you want to know how I knew you were attractive? It wasn't just a guess. It came across in your confidence. That's right, I said confidence. It's there in the way you write. In the way you speak to us. It doesn't seem like this self loathing is totally who you are. Yes, you have poor self esteem, but I think he played you. I think he took your self doubts and amplified them. The only thing you were guilty of is being ignorant of not knowing people like that are out there. That's why I recommended going out and using some power and also maybe a good martial arts dojo.
"He loved hurting me and his favorite thing was to have me on cam and degrade or humiliate me to the point of tears then berate me for being emotional. "
I loved that part. I also used to enjoy humiliating people, but only if it was an anonymous chat site, once I let you knew me, I could be really nice and helpful.
But that happened like only to 1% of the people, if I see something different and unusual or weird in a person, I feel like helping them. Else I would just humiliate them and make them want to kill themselves.
But your story just furthermore proves how retarded Russians are to fall for Internet relationships.. even in rea llife.. there was no such thing as love in my book and there never will be.
Personally I think they can, but will tend towards more one than the other, ie: Narc with socio traits, or vice versa.
Your guy sounded more narc than socio imo, and guys that prey on women like that sometimes put themselves in the unique position of becoming true "psycho fodder" , which means that someone nastier and more calculating see's it as their moral right to pull them into little pieces, and then take over said victim as their own. (whatever that may entail)
I think a Malignant narc is the last person in the world that should put themselves out there as a Dom, but Im sure theres those here that would argue that.
Thank you for multiple compliments. The self loathing is tied to guilt and there's the self esteem so you're correct. And no I didn't know people like that were out there to this extent. My mother is a type of narcissist so I do have experience there. I plan on doing some activities to strengthen my self esteem but most importantly get back in grad school after I deal with the whole health thing.
your mother may have trained you to be a victim. do you believe your father to have suffered mental illness? is being a victim/trusting narcs a pattern for you? there is still a lot of damage that can be done whilst you have your guard up, especially if you don't know how to recognise a certain type of character.
"It's amazing to me that you're able to fill in the blanks for the things I haven't said. He did exactly what you described, including the abject humiliation."
It takes one to know one. Unfortunately, I operated in a similar fashion with my exes, plowing through dozens, until I finally found someone stronger and more intelligent than me, to call me on my shit and put me in my place, who saw through my games, and wouldn't allow himself to be manipulated. I married him. :)
I'm glad I could help bring some clarity to your situation.