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I can't paste comments from my device, so I will do my best to address some key points:
The fact that he told you-explicitly- that he wanted to break you down, and subsequently build you up, indicates a certain level of self-awareness on his behalf. But he was shitting you- and just telling you what he thought he had to in order to keep you intrigued. By that time, you had become a whipping post to abuse for his personal gratification, and nothing more.
Hear me: you are just a fuck toy, as far as he's concerned.
The sexual games were designed to coerce confessions in line with his preferences, and are more indicative of his lascivious, secret fantasies than yours. He wants you to share his deviance, and may get frustrated if you fail to conform to his perverse expectations. He will berate you furher for this, and undermine your womanhood until you degrade yourself to the point of abject humiliation. Then he will attack you for being weak. That is his way of maintaining control and dominance over you. He is using your shame like a weapon with which to harpoon you.
He held out the promise of catharsis and gave you abuse, instead. Accept that you were a fool to fall for his manipulative tactics and move on, without looking back.
by Alteregocycle of abus
Someone suggested that you go out and assume the dominant role in a sexual encounter. While you may enjoy that, I have a sneaking suspicion that you're submissive, although you may not be fully cognizant of that tendency. A good dom might be able to provide a lot of what you crave, without the abuse. A trustworthy partner will respect your boundaries, and help you face up and work through some of those deeply rooted insecurities, and gain measure of self-acceptance. But don't ever make yourself vulnerable to someone unworthy of your trust. Like your ex. He's trash. Learn from your mistakes. Dispose of him efficiently, methodically and brutally by surgically excising him from your life. No excuses. If you aren't even strong enough to do that- you'll get what you asked for, and only have yourself to blame for it.
Great advice.
Yes that's what happened. If I didn't comply it was "I thought you wanted it" or "oh I'm sorry I guess I thought we were into the same things" hinting that I wasn't capable of making him happy, or it would be a big ordeal. I just remembered this, one night he told me if I didn't give him what he wanted he'd take it. I was half asleep and said "what's the difference between that and rape". There is no way for me to describe his reaction. He was furious, said he wasn't a rapist, said that some women like that and he'd find them. Just on and on until it became that I called him something horrible and I didn't show respect. I'm sure I ended up apologizing.
Now I'm struggling with sorting out how much of it I truly did enjoy and how much of it I was coerced into. There is so much more in terms of the sexual games involved. I wish someone could just get in my head and organize everything.
Also, it wasn't all bad. No one could make me laugh like that, we got along very well and my friends that met him liked him so much that they really pushed for me to date him initially when I was hesitant. These are just certain red flags that are sticking out now that I don't think should be ignored anymore.
If you have anything else to add please let me know. It's amazing to me that you're able to fill in the blanks for things that I haven't said. He did exactly what you described, including the abject humiliation. But yes I'd be happy to read anything you recommend or say because it's just so clear now.
"Now I'm struggling with sorting out how much of it I truly did enjoy and how much of it I was coerced into"
Things that may have been a huge guilt trip and ended up distasteful , may be the polar opposite with someone who can actually build you back up and respect your boundaries.
Did you go into this as a proper D/s relationship?
Hmmmm, unfortunately some Doms ( and Dommes for that matter) have zero intent to repair any damage they do.
They have no rational perspective on the give/take aspects of a proper D/s relationship and are only in it for what they can get, and when their partner becomes too reliant and their responsibilities step up, they create a scenario to extricate themselves and leave. Im of the opinion that some socios can make great Doms, but they need a strong partner to call them (as alter pointed out) on their bullshit.
For what its worth, if you are going to stay in the lifestyle, surround yourself with people you trust and know and who are adept and safe and thoughtful in what they do.
Ask the opinions of other subs (plural) about a potential Dom , they are the ones who will give you the best info.
Youve narrowly dodged a really shitty bullet. Take note of it and DONT forget what you are learning from it!
It's going to be a long time before I trust anyone at all. Trust was already a huge issue when I met him and I was a happy little lamb jumping into a wolfs mouth. I practically marinated myself, I was that much of a target.
A future D/s relationship will be something that will only be able to happen after I get myself in order. Even then I'm not sure it's the most healthy thing for me because I don't want to fall back into the same mindset that I've had for 20 something years. The vetting process for a Dom after the last however many failed attempts would be so lengthy that I doubt many would be interested ;) .
I do have another question though. Can someone be both a (malignant) narc and a socio? In this situation, he had to feel like the other person was more into him than he was them. I can't phrase it any better than that because it wasn't love that he wanted to feel from them, just desire I guess. The need for this is so strong that he provokes the other person to adore him. To admit love or want or devotion.