Sociopath Community

Tryptamine said: 

What do you think the tradeoff is from being an effeminate male to appearing female as well? Since the latter half is a process.

Simply put for a non-simple subject... I feel wrong in this body shape. I feel like I'm supposed to have boobs, and having a dick continues to feel weird even this far along in my lifetime. Without wanting to I've always identified as a girl/woman in my head, and it'd be nice to have it be more than just there. Even the me of my dreams since I was little was a girl, making it continuously jarring to wake up in this chassis. 

I want to be able to go outside as a woman, and my shape as is is wrong. I've been lucky enough to be able to attend "girls only" events more than once with little effort, but being able to be with the girls isn't the same thing, I want to feel it, physically, even if it was done at the hands of some doctors instead of "God" or whatever. 

Basically, it's less about how I'm seen and more about how I feel... but how they look at me affects how I feel in a jarring way. I'd rather they look at me and I see in their eyes "I'm looking at a woman right now" than "What the fuck is this thing?". As is it feels like I've been stuck dancing in an uncanny valley, and while I can sit here and spout how "strong" I am for it I'd rather just finish the journey and be as close to a woman as I could be within the current constraints. 

Effectively, even just waking up in my room and being by myself would feel vastly improved for me if my figure matched my mindset, my inner construct of myself. As long as the internal and external don't match, I feel wrong, incomplete, or jumbled together. 

PalePeach said: 

The only reason I could think of to not transition would be if you hadn't given it enough thought or looked into the process enough- but based on your previous comments you seem familiar with the process. The first step would be to start estrogen for awhile before a doctor would agree to perform the surgery. If you start the hormonal transiition then decide you don't like the changes you are experiencing you can stop taking them so it's a good non-permanent way to test the waters and move towards the permanent changes you desire.

Even going on hormones is a very big decision, as it only takes a month or so for sterility and reduced libido to kick in. 

Sterility isn't what I'm worrying over as, again, I can store sperm for a future child if I end up going that way, but reduced libido isn't a fun idea to consider for if I were to change my mind while already taking chemicals. 

Emotionally be ready for the different way you will be treated by society. Trans women and effeminate males don't receive the same treatment. Stay safe.

I'm already treated as a tranny these days even by cashiers and waitstaff and shit, so it's more like I'm pushing that envelope one step further, whether that ends up with me more strongly displaying that or blending in better. I also already had a lot of "being treated differently by society" stuff going on for my lifetime, but transitioning does have the unfortunate undertones of our current socio-political environment. When seeing me in that light, such politics are likely to precede them getting to know me and realizing I'm not as "open minded" as you might otherwise find from this demographic. 

Frankly though... even within these fears, some part of me is still like "Even if you look worse you're at least that much less manly looking", which feels like a step in the right direction if I can get that much more over other people's thoughts they telegraph so loudly on their faces and hands. 

Ideally, I'd want to even trick the LGBTQ acceptance types into thinking they don't have to like... give me the enabling pity treatments they think is so progressive. If they yell at me for being "a woman who could think these things", then I'm succeeding. 

Just out of curiosity; which bathroom do you use in public, and do you get looks from people for going into that restroom?

PalePeach said: 

Just out of curiosity; which bathroom do you use in public, and do you get looks from people for going into that restroom?

I use the Men's restroom from a lack of self-confidence and from not wanting to get in some sort of trouble... but I have been enjoying the rise of unisex bathrooms over recent years. 

A lot of my bathroom taboos I got over when it became one of my work responsibilities at an old job years back to flush toilets and clean sinks in both restrooms every thirty minutes, but just because I'm over them... doesn't mean they are. 

Transitioning is a small CHUNGUS move. Don't do it.

1. God made you male for a reason.

One time a woman wanted blue eyes so bad. Then one day her friend in the middle east was kidnapped. The only reason she was able to blend in with them is because she had brown eyes. Her brown eyes which she always hated were actually good. 

We should be teaching "Self acceptance" to body. You were all pro body positivity last time we talked. This would contradict loving your own body. Maybe you're just feeling insecure and want a "makeover" but you don't need to  change genders.

Look... Many times people having mental break downs dye their hair. You know why? It's to regain a sense of control over their life and destiny. So if you want to regain a sense of control you can dye your hair, get a tattoo, meet new people, pray, etc. 

2. You're more interesting as a male. 

You are one of the most fascinating people I have ever met. Why do you think I tried to copy you once? It's easy to listen to you (just flows). You don't feel pain but do feel hot/cold, you are both a sadist and a masochist, you got the weirdest ex-relationship going on, etc. You're at once willing to comfort as a stranger as you are to play games with them. It's all very interesting stuff... You're the stuff of books. 

So if you become a female you kind of ruin all that by the another "weird trans". It's not fascinating that a trans person is weird when we already expect that. Not to mention these kind of behaviors would be more "normal" in a woman. Women are often the "crazy" ones in society's eyes. This kind of character is more rare in men (you'd remain a gem).

You might find it weird seeing me on this side of the fence, but....

I don't see any good reason why you should transition. Even if you take hormonal treatment and get rid of your penis, you will likely not pass as a woman. That is unless you have money to finance extremely professional people and go through several extremely professional surgeries.

You will definitely not look like a woman, even if you take hormonal treatment and even if you get rid of your penis. So if you do this in hope of genuinely passing as a woman, it will not help. You will just waste money.

Feathers said: 

1. God made you male for a reason.

Have you ever thought that I might have been made Male in order to transition into a Female before achieving some greater purpose from having once been a man? 

"God Works In Mysterious Ways". You can't tell me that it isn't the will of God beyond some assumptions based on the human interpretation of something as complicated as a timeless being. 

If it's the wrong path, perhaps my mistake will achieve some greater purpose in the grand scheme of "God's" design. If he knows all and sees all while being timeless, then he must have on some level decided that my path going this direction was otherwise necessary towards the greater whole of existence. Even Satan's role is part of God's design, so you cannot say that what I am doing is not the will of God himself. 

One time a woman wanted blue eyes so bad. Then one day her friend in the middle east was kidnapped. The only reason she was able to blend in with them is because she had brown eyes. Her brown eyes which she always hated were actually good. 

She might have been able to use blue eyes to instead appeal to them in some way otherwise not explored. You cannot say that her having that trait is solely why she survived. 

Also, who is this woman? 

We should be teaching "Self acceptance" to body. You were all pro body positivity last time we talked.

The extent that I am pro-body positivity is more over how people respond to them, not one's choices over their own autonomy. I'm more likely to judge how good of a job they are doing towards their intended goals. 

This would contradict loving your own body. Maybe you're just feeling insecure and want a "makeover" but you don't need to change genders.

This isn't some phase, like a midlife crisis, this has been with me for the majority of my life. I only hadn't considered my options prior because it wasn't as advanced as it is now. 

Look... Many times people having mental break downs dye their hair. You know why? It's to regain a sense of control over their life and destiny. So if you want to regain a sense of control you can dye your hair, get a tattoo, meet new people, pray, etc. 

This is a deeper issue than a desire for change. If it was a desire for change purely, why would fear of change be an issue here? 

2. You're more interesting as a male. 

You think I'm only in this to be interesting!? 

I don't want to be "interesting", I want to be comfortable. 

You are one of the most fascinating people I have ever met.

...mmhmm. 

Why do you think I tried to copy you once?

I don't pretend to know how you work, I just work with what you give me. 

It's easy to listen to you (just flows). You don't feel pain but do feel hot/cold, you are both a sadist and a masochist, you got the weirdest ex-relationship going on, etc.

What makes it weird..?

I've met a fair deal of people, all stories of exes tend to have similar levels of tension and personal perceptions of drama. 

You're at once willing to comfort as a stranger as you are to play games with them.

Games aren't harmful beyond their own means of seeing it as such, so I see them as equally harmless. I see them as necessary. 

It's all very interesting stuff... You're the stuff of books. 

Baseless flattery I can't believe, as I'm really not. This is just embellishment meant to achieve some agenda. 

So if you become a female you kind of ruin all that by the another "weird trans".

What makes me "another"? Why would shifting my gender invalidate my own past? 

You'd have everything you listed with the addition of my having gone through chemical and surgical procedures. While you can claim it's "common" in media, how many of those sort have you actually met that went through it? 

It's not fascinating that a trans person is weird when we already expect that.

Just because it's topical and uninteresting to you doesn't mean it wouldn't mean more than that to me. 

Not to mention these kind of behaviors would be more "normal" in a woman. Women are often the "crazy" ones in society's eyes. This kind of character is more rare in men (you'd remain a gem).

Why would I choose to stay a man just to "be more interesting"? Effeminate men have been around for ages. 

Major Major Major said: 

You might find it weird seeing me on this side of the fence, but....

Nah, I saw it coming from earlier chats. You see a novelty in it, but it doesn't ring with you beyond that. 

I don't see any good reason why you should transition. Even if you take hormonal treatment and get rid of your penis, you will likely not pass as a woman.

Why not? There's other trans people who pass, and even if I don't enough that'd just be my next learning curve. 

What makes my staying a male so essential? What would it even accomplish? Even if it ends up a mistake somehow, what is the real consequence of it? I could still produce offspring thanks to modern methods, so what's the issue really? 

That is unless you have money to finance extremely professional people and go through several extremely professional surgeries. 

A traque-shave and changing out my penis would solve most of it honestly once estrogen is a factor. 

I feel like my not trying this is the same as trying and failing, as either way I'd be displeased with my form, but what is the problem with being in that form while I am displeased with it? 

You will definitely not look like a woman, even if you take hormonal treatment and even if you get rid of your penis.

What does it take to "look like a woman" to you? 

So if you do this in hope of genuinely passing as a woman, it will not help. You will just waste money.

Have you seen what some women look like? "Passing as a woman" is something that in the Hollywood sense scares me, but the more I see of people, the more that I figure I could pass. 

Even not dressing the part, I've been called "ma'am" when they hadn't heard me speak. It doesn't take much to pass as long as you actually know what needs to be addressed, but being a trap feels like roleplaying. 

Bottom line you won't be as fascinating to me or others. Maybe you want to be invisible. But you were meant to shine.