That... really sucks.
You can't get the training some other way, or are you saddled with this against your will?
Not elaborating on this, it's a closed discussion.
Saddled, sucky. I suppose this might explain somewhat more of your self control fears, but how do you expect to find self-control if you won't even look at yourself?
...that's, both depressing and unusual. Usually people tout their talents undeserved, yet you'd argue you're just what you've read and watched videos of?
The talents I had do not serve a purpose in my goals in life, if they were even talents that is.
Just the computer/game stuff? There might have some cross-training potential.
It's hard to know because in my own case, I've considered the idea that I've lost knowledge and some of my ability to process.
As of when?
I just don't see the reason to going in depth on my life story. Especially here, on the internet, where anyone person could see this by visiting or not.
Are you afraid of what people might think of you, on the internet?
The problems were of a weaker past self, and that's why I adapted, changed. That is why I am different from my past self.
You'll need to understand that weaker self and come to terms with it more if you wish to truly adapt past the weakness. To do otherwise is to try to split yourself from yourself, a very unhealthy practice. I mean shit, you can't even describe your skill set or talents, that's weird.
What you're doing is like a Hermit Crab appropriating a shell. It protects you, but within it you are still squishy and vulnerable like before and the shell itself is predictably temporary. This same setup can make for cultists.
This is worth exploring. You ought to know your skills, aspirations, weaknesses, everything. A fleshed out understanding of yourself means a better means of understanding others.
My aspirations were to once become a game developer or computer scientist.
I've also dropped my aspirations largely, but there's always somewhere to use that training that can serve to put you at an advantage.
There's still room to explore yourself once those aspirations burn down. I'd actually argue that's the time where the vector's significantly more open, as I've seen it prove to be for both myself and others.
That died over time upon my philosophical outlook on the world, and was erased from me, when I shifted into a new person.
That's not how it works though, all that means is that you reinvented your exterior construct self, your believed sense of being.
That is not the same thing as your core, your core cannot change beyond damages and scar tissue.
My skills, I considered to be apart of what makes a computer scientist, I could be wrong, but that is how I saw it. My aspirations now, include putting my ideas before me.
You sound hazy about yourself, which makes me think "putting my ideas before me" is more about immediate compensational function instead of an actual choice made.
I think to do otherwise would break you down, but I think breakdowns are necisarry for growth and otherwise inevitable. If you're to have one, wouldn't you prefer it be within controlled conditions instead of lets say... when your drill sarg' at Boot Camp disrespects you in a way you were not ready for from not knowing yourself?
Even just some willpower training to resist your Sarg' trying to break you down might be wise...
I'd like to learn craftsmanship, especially gunsmithing. I'd like to become what entitles as a "soldier".
I must earn the right to call myself a soldier. I must earn that. To call myself something and I never proved it to myself or have nothing to show is lying, and exaggerating oneself. Assuming that I am better then what I show.
What makes being a soldier/battle inventor superior to being lets say... an entrepreneur?
Is it that enlisting to a program is basically ensured admission, so there's less plan risk compared to taking gambles upon life? The only thing I even see that's nice about enlisting is having a system run your life for you if you'd otherwise be bad at doing it yourself.
My weaknesses, well currently a big one is I believe I have motivation issues, and I'm not being productive enough.
Or inversely you may be too fixated on the idea of productivity... Two sides of the same coin, both are worth visiting.
You also don't seem too motivated to explore yourself further, yet you also are. That clash is interesting, as even after your "we're done here" you'd still prefer to explore instead of leaving me with the last word.
By that causes other sub-issues like not reading enough theory, not working out as much as I'd like to. It's not that I don't like doing either one. I just consider myself addicted to things like video games, because of how I grew up with them, and I always played them to escape pain, when I did feel suicidal thoughts and etc.
I game a lot too. The immediate rush with obvious goals on a list with a lack of real life consequences makes it a lot easier to delve into. Gaming enjoyment is a conditioned response, very much Pavlovian (check phone apps to see it distilled). If you want to push yourself away from it, you'll need to find ways of associating positive cues with your behaviors, like rewarding yourself uniformly for doing toiling behaviors you otherwise didn't want to do.
Judging how you tried to go from gaming to game design/computer science, you likely only visit your more immediate focuses as what you believe yourself capable of. This is short sighted and liable to have you lost somewhere with no idea of what to do about it.
Through not knowing what you're capable of you limit your potential to do more than your immediate focus. As is you've got nothing to fall back on, just a path you're stuck trudging forwards on.
Later in life, I'd like to work on the problems I currently face, right now, in the area I'm at, I find it hard to do so.
Take it from me, you won't want to any more then than you will now, and by then you may have blown off the handle in ways that were emotionally outside of your control from not otherwise preparing for it.
Don't enable a weakness, you offer yourself on a platter to people when you do. People know how to smell that stuff, myself included, and they will twist the knife in ways that aren't as constructive as I'm trying to be.
When I get a new clean slate at life, away from the life I have in my current place, when I leave behind all my family and friends. Then, I will work on re-learning and becoming better.
You can't just expect that this will come, especially if you keep leaving aspects of yourself both at risk and largely unknown to yourself.
A lot of this reads as "I'd rather not think about it". Does that not scare you or otherwise affect you similarly to seeing those who cannot face your philosophy? Both cases are a willful ignorance that does no favors.
At the moment, I don't define myself as anything special, because the only way I could see such a thing being the case is through merit.
You're old enough, surely you've done things. I think you judge yourself too harshly here.
Ę̵̚x̸͎̾i̴͚̽s̵̻͐t̷͐ͅe̷̯͠n̴̤̚t̵̻̅i̵͉̿a̴̮͊l̵͍̂ ̴̹̕D̵̤̀e̸͓͂t̵̢͂e̴͕̓c̸̗̄t̴̗̿ï̶̪v̷̲̍é̵͔
