Sociopath Community

I may not be the most likable person, but my aim here was never to be that, my aim was simply like, trying to find myself and figure out my mental health problems. 

I wasn’t thinking about how what I was writing would be perceived because of that being my priority, and like, doing ‘perception management’ because I just like, didn’t have the ability to really realize how things would be perceived. 

I genuinely didn’t predict that I would say something and then someone would read it and go “wow this person sounds selfish” or basically all the judgements that would ensue. These are your own judgements and perceptions, and there is nothing I can do to *change* them now, because, what’s done is done. 

I’ve talked before about how, it is just writing on a screen and you really haven’t gotten to know me, but I understand, based on just what you’ve seen of my writing here, why you would perceive me the way I have, and I take responsibility for that. It is my own fault, and, it is the internet/the world and that is what people will do naturally. 

I was not the best at/prepared to be ‘perceived’ if that makes sense or like, I’ve never been the best at ‘perception management’ and can be sort of aloof or unaware, like, lacking self awareness at times or like, how people are seeing you. 

As I’ve come out of a lot of that dissociation I’ve talked about and feel more “inside myself” or like, comfortable as who I am, more whole, remember more stuff about myself and who I am and actually genuinely feel, genuinely myself for once- a lot of that like, coming off ‘weird’ to people has gone away and what I was previously talking about like, seeming aloof or unaware to how people are perceiving you has gone away. 

I just wasn’t very “connected” and like, because of that, like, people can *notice* that, and I understand that now, and to them they likely don’t understand like why you are so fucking weird but they just see, something off or something weird and they can’t really put their finger on it so, to make sense of it or so their brain can like categorize it in a way they can understand they go, “you’re like this person, yes that makes sense. You are amber heard. That is who you are.” But the truth is like, they just simply don’t *understand* and in an effort to make sense of why the fuck you are so fucking weird or do things that they can’t quite understand or make sense of but they know *isn’t normal* or *isn’t right* they just sort of go, “yeah, that makes sense to me, that is what is wrong with you, you are just THIS.” And begin to assign labels to you that they can understand or that make sense to them based on the perceptions they’ve been able to gather of you from your writing and behavior and such. 

I provided you or led the way for you to gather these perceptions and form this opinion of me, without really meaning to. If this was an opportunity for you to get to know who I am, I would of gone about it differently, so that maybe you would begin to. 

But, like, the goal here was never for you to *know* me, if that makes sense, because I was never trying to connect with people normally, because I felt so detached in the first place, I didn’t *do* that sort of thing back then. I didn’t connect with people period, I had given up on that. I didn’t realize that my inability to feel that connection was coming from my literal self, my own mental health problem, etc. It took some time to realize that. 

But yeah, and then to lay out on a page like, this is who I am so that people can get to know me, that doesn’t really work either, because for whatever reason it’s pretty much impossible to change how people have categorized you or rather it takes a very very long time to but even then, this is my very crude understanding- I think that, people you know, they do seek to protect themselves emotionally, and are naturally weary of other human beings in general- especially those who maybe have been hurt or witness some form of hurt that impacted them in some way (weather conscious or subconscious). They might not be aware of that, but, that may be why, you know, it’s like scary to witness someone who you don’t understand, who sort of, you can’t categorize but, you naturally fear things you don’t understand, because their behavior will not be predictable without being to categorize them properly, so you automatically categorize them as a threat. Or someone bad, someone to fear, someone who may manipulate, hurt you, etc. Especially if you have done something like, make up bizarre stories, this is breaking a boundary in regard to ‘connection’ with other people like, they see that is inappropriate, and I understand that now, how much it it is detestable, how much it is a lack of respect for other human beings period, to break that trust with them. 

And so I *think* I understand why, like, people have written me off, and I likely would of done the same. You have to have boundaries with people and when their behavior is ‘extra’ or inappropriate or essentially out of bounds like, it is only natural you will shut it out out of self preservation because it’s not ‘safe.’

 I apologize for being stupid as fuck. It’s all been a learning curve for me, and I understand why you would perceive me in the ways that you have, those perceptions are valid. I am learning to do better, and improving myself. And I’m sorry you had to sort of witness this transformation or this journey to growth that I have been on, and it was rather rocky. No one is perfect, and perhaps I’m not a likable or even a good person. But one can make an effort, and I am leaning to love myself, despite my faults or, my mistakes, I am learning to grow from them as best I can, while still accepting and owning what I have done. And most importantly, learning to love/Treat others the way they should be treated… 

it was sort of benign, like I wasn’t necessarily ever having malevolent intentions for anyone here, nor do I dislike anyone. But, since coming more into myself, I’ve been able to sort of feel comfortable showing who I am. Where as before I was so insecure from being so, lacking that sense of self, I couldn’t confidently share who I am because I didn’t know who that was yet. I forgot like, my priorities and things I cared about because I was so lost in that. 

I’m extremely grateful that I’ve been able to grow and heal from those things a bit more, and it’s been relaly great to finally be able to share who I really am, and to come into that more. If that makes any sense. Fully. LIke, to fully participate in my own life, to relaly live it. To really live life, to really experience it, to really feel it. And also, to feel so clear about, not only who I am but, my priorities, are a big part of that. And, those priorities include, how others are treated. A big big part of my priorities involves, doing right by other people, treating other people with kindness everyday- and also being the change you want to see in the world or having some sort of positive impact in whatever way you can day to day, in whatever effort or opportunity you can do so in. 

I’ve been able to love myself more, I’ve been able to heave healthier thoughts about myself, and as a result been able to do the things I love and care about. And, that person like, that is I guess, for starters, an explanation as to, who I am or part of who I am. We all have parts of ourselves that are more likable than others, and less likable than others. Flaws, etc. That isi all part of the full picture. 

but that is what I get frustrated about is, reality is like, you can never really provide a full picture of who you are totally to someone, especially in these medium it would be difficult to do so, and all you ever really get of people and who they are, I mean really who they are deep down, is partial glimpses. 

When you cannot love yourself it is difficult to be open, and confident enough to like, share all parts of yourself, especially when you maybe, don’t know them or have lost touch with them in a way. You can get rather lost when you are unwell, in mental illness. And so a depressed version of someone may appear quite different from a non depressed version of someone, though they are the same person. 

 I’m just grateful I can share myself with others now in a way that’s different that I could before. But I’ve also come to terms with the fact that, you know, you saw me or an eclipse of me, when I was in a different phase, or a younger part of my life, an incomplete version of self. And like, I accept that, part. too. Enough to still remain confident in who I am despite it, and the judgements that have come with it. 

It’s all good, basically. 

You seem like you have a lot to unload. 

Blanc said: 

I may not be the most likable person, but my aim here was never to be that, my aim was simply like, trying to find myself and figure out my mental health problems. 

 

I wasn’t thinking about how what I was writing would be perceived because of that being my priority, and like, doing ‘perception management’ because I just like, didn’t have the ability to really realize how things would be perceived. 

 

I genuinely didn’t predict that I would say something and then someone would read it and go “wow this person sounds selfish” or basically all the judgements that would ensue. These are your own judgements and perceptions, and there is nothing I can do to *change* them now, because, what’s done is done. 

 

I’ve talked before about how, it is just writing on a screen and you really haven’t gotten to know me, but I understand, based on just what you’ve seen of my writing here, why you would perceive me the way I have, and I take responsibility for that. It is my own fault, and, it is the internet/the world and that is what people will do naturally. 

 

I was not the best at/prepared to be ‘perceived’ if that makes sense or like, I’ve never been the best at ‘perception management’ and can be sort of aloof or unaware, like, lacking self awareness at times or like, how people are seeing you. 

 

As I’ve come out of a lot of that dissociation I’ve talked about and feel more “inside myself” or like, comfortable as who I am, more whole, remember more stuff about myself and who I am and actually genuinely feel, genuinely myself for once- a lot of that like, coming off ‘weird’ to people has gone away and what I was previously talking about like, seeming aloof or unaware to how people are perceiving you has gone away. 

 

I just wasn’t very “connected” and like, because of that, like, people can *notice* that, and I understand that now, and to them they likely don’t understand like why you are so fucking weird but they just see, something off or something weird and they can’t really put their finger on it so, to make sense of it or so their brain can like categorize it in a way they can understand they go, “you’re like this person, yes that makes sense. You are amber heard. That is who you are.” But the truth is like, they just simply don’t *understand* and in an effort to make sense of why the fuck you are so fucking weird or do things that they can’t quite understand or make sense of but they know *isn’t normal* or *isn’t right* they just sort of go, “yeah, that makes sense to me, that is what is wrong with you, you are just THIS.” And begin to assign labels to you that they can understand or that make sense to them based on the perceptions they’ve been able to gather of you from your writing and behavior and such. 

 

I provided you or led the way for you to gather these perceptions and form this opinion of me, without really meaning to. If this was an opportunity for you to get to know who I am, I would of gone about it differently, so that maybe you would begin to. 

 

But, like, the goal here was never for you to *know* me, if that makes sense, because I was never trying to connect with people normally, because I felt so detached in the first place, I didn’t *do* that sort of thing back then. I didn’t connect with people period, I had given up on that. I didn’t realize that my inability to feel that connection was coming from my literal self, my own mental health problem, etc. It took some time to realize that. 

 

But yeah, and then to lay out on a page like, this is who I am so that people can get to know me, that doesn’t really work either, because for whatever reason it’s pretty much impossible to change how people have categorized you or rather it takes a very very long time to but even then, this is my very crude understanding- I think that, people you know, they do seek to protect themselves emotionally, and are naturally weary of other human beings in general- especially those who maybe have been hurt or witness some form of hurt that impacted them in some way (weather conscious or subconscious). They might not be aware of that, but, that may be why, you know, it’s like scary to witness someone who you don’t understand, who sort of, you can’t categorize but, you naturally fear things you don’t understand, because their behavior will not be predictable without being to categorize them properly, so you automatically categorize them as a threat. Or someone bad, someone to fear, someone who may manipulate, hurt you, etc. Especially if you have done something like, make up bizarre stories, this is breaking a boundary in regard to ‘connection’ with other people like, they see that is inappropriate, and I understand that now, how much it it is detestable, how much it is a lack of respect for other human beings period, to break that trust with them. 

 

And so I *think* I understand why, like, people have written me off, and I likely would of done the same. You have to have boundaries with people and when their behavior is ‘extra’ or inappropriate or essentially out of bounds like, it is only natural you will shut it out out of self preservation because it’s not ‘safe.’

I think that people expect that when you have a lot of financial abundance that you should be grateful for the apparent freedom that it offers  (it does have the capability to make a lot of annoying things in life disappear)  but like,  no matter how much money people have they will never be completely satisfied  but many people think that if they had financial abundance that they would finally be happy but ultimately appreciating what you have is a decision

and I am struggling with appreciating what I have,  especially because I have given up a lot  but Jesus showed me that not appreciating what you have and being content and satisfied no matter how much or how little financial abundance and material possessions that you have access to is like one of the main supportive mentalities to genuine mental health so it has definitely been on my mind lately to be practicing appreciation no matter how much or how little is given me as far as comfort in financial abundance and material possessions  but it is definitely easier and more natural for me to complain rather than to appreciate

there are certain aspects of yourself that remind me of Amber but,  I do think that she seems to have possibly psychopathy whereas I do think that you have more bpd and cptsd stuff going on than she does,  she like outright used Johnny for everything with no remorse at all  she reminds me of Jodi Arias a little like thinking that she will be able to get away with anything without people investigating into her and seeing that she is clearly a golddigger and a user and not only that but she tried to bring down one of America's favorite actors when she really has not contributed much of anything to our country at all

Also tb continued off of last tangent of thought post (sorry ranting but yes I do have a lot to unload very quickly as I have to go do things I’m kind of busy lately/today but let me just get it all out i guess lol) 

thats also why like, I would get so frustrated with like, people and respond to them in certain ways or whatever we’d go back and forth about like, I’m not a bad person I’m not this I’m not that stop telling me I’m this or that 

i was like, trying to fight it, but the more you fight it the worse it gets, the more you try to explain yourself the worse it gets as far as like, perception goes, because that’s not going to help people or change their judgements of you and how they see you or how they’ve categorized you and its not going to make them like you more, or understand you, or get to know you more, all its goign to do is dig a deeper hole more than likely. 

Because people, require, being leveled with. You cant just tell them what to think, it doesn’t work like that. And people only know, real, vs. not real. They’re very astute to that because theyre not fucking stupid. It’s just how we are as human beings. 

And so, if you can be real with people, on some level, they may be able to be comfortable with you or let down their defenses a bit and be willing to get to know you a little more. 

But if you can’t be real with people, you’ve lost them. You’ve already lost. You’ve lost the battle there bud. You shot yorself in the foot by not being real with them, by not being genuine. 

I hated myself, I was uncomfortable with myself, etc. And so I wanted to be anything but, to be comfortable. But at the same time, I knew I wanted to be myself, I wanted to feel genuine, I wanted to be able to be real with myself and thats what I was doing a lot of the time when I was writing 

A lot of the time if I am dissociating it is debatable what feels real. The dissociation symptomatically is just a response to anxiety or stressor. But it paints a confusing perception for me about, myself, about what I write, and who I am- its validity. Is it real, is it genuine, I don’t know. Because when you are not connected within yourself and you are dissociating and dont realize it, nothing can feel genuine because your brain is telling you, nothing is real, as some sort of weird response that you cant turn off or tune out, you can step outside it, you cant argue with it because your’e inside it. So it’s anyones guess when I’m feeling that way, what is real and what isn’t, when I am writing. I question, is this me. Is this how I feel. Is this real. And that’s why I stopped writing for so long because, nothing felt real anymore, everything felt questionable, I was unsure. 

I had some personal work and growth to do I guess “behind the scenes” and the writing at the time wasn’t helping more than it was distressing and just not really helping that aspect of like, everything feeling not real and questionable and, “is this me?” Sort of stuff. Like “who am I’ “i dont have a sense of self” issues. 

I’m glad to be doing better in that regard it’s honestly a god send but, like, i just wanted to get that last thought out about, being real with people, and like, i totally get it, is what I’m trying to say. 

I get it why, like… why I lost people. They can tell when you aren’t being real. I didn’t myself, feel genuine, and that resulted in a lack of confidence and inability to share myself completely with people, or to let down my own defenses. And that lack of being real- despite desperately wanted to be real and to feel real, and genuine again- it was sort of a conundrum and very frustrating. Because I wanted to be so badly, I wanted people to know its what I cared about most in this world, I wanted people to know like, that is a huge part of something I care about and have always valued, since I was very young- is just, like, being who you are- accepting people where they are at, being compassionate with people, and allowing them to be their most authentic selves, and to *be* and *experience* life as authentically as you can, to be *real* with people that is *everything* to me. And yet, I was percieved as the complete opposite. 

Because it takes serious growth, and serious effort, to be able to come to that place where you can confidently be yourself sometimes, and to be able to let down your defenses and to learn enough about people to understand how to be real with them, how to meet them where they are at rather than, overwhelming them or bombarding them with shit that will only make their defenses go up higher and their lack of trust of you to run deeper, their perceptions of you to further run ascew. 

So thats why I would get so frustrated and like get into arguments with people on discord or here or like, make myself look, hot headed, egotistical, bitchy, dystonic, histrionic, narcissistic, etc. I failed time and time again to just level with people and really hear them and to respond to them in a way that at its base and at its core was just super on that level of like, being plain and real and authentic. 

That is all that people will be able to respond to, anything else, even if the information is valid and what you are saying is true, it’s not going to *work* like, it will just make it all worse, and thats why I stopped responding to, because I knew that. 

And then people would get mad that I wouldn’t respond to certain things, or would “only talk about myself” Or “to myself” at times, or seemed to ramble its because I was shutting everyone out, I wasn’t responding on purpose because I didnt know how to in a way that wasn’t going to make everything worse. 

It’s hard to be aware enough of all of this like *why* you do what you do and then be able to not only be self aware of it and then also be able to communicate it to people in a way that makes sense and they will be able to receive without coming across the wrong way. 

Communication isn’t my strong suit by any means, in fact its an area that i require a lot of improvement and conscious effort in I suppose… so the fact that, all of this, dynamic requires so much communication, and it all has to be so well thought out and, make perfect sense, and has to be catered in such a way that will be able to be recieved rather than judged or misunderstood/mispercieved/making things worse- it’s, quite an art form if its not a natural ability you already have. 

That is something I admire about Tryp is, he is able to help people see him for who he really is, and I’ve really always majorly failed at that. He is great at communicating with people and leveling with them, in a way that they will be able to receive. Like he has a way with people, I can’t explain it or put it into words. I always tell him its a gift. It’s such a gift. Because I don’t have that. Lol whatever that is. I can work on it like, he’s told me I need to work on it but, I also had to go work on myself for a bit for a while and like, become okay and confident with the fact, people aren’t always going to receive you well, and you should still love and care about yourself regardless of that, and your flaws, yo should stil continue to work on yourself regardless of criticisms, incorporate that is part of your growth rather than letting it get you down. Appreciate and respect it rather than responding to it, impatiently or, losing your cool, etc. 

I really had to like, open up to myself fully and accept myself fully though before I could be able to like fully open with other people in more of a real and authentic, confident way and like took me a long time go come to a place to be able to really connect, or to see things in a clear enough light that i would respond to it with a little bit higher emotional intelligence than just essentially throwing a fit.

also had misperceptions that I was being attacked or overly like hated/criticized when I wasn’t, and I dont know what thats about but, i genuinely would like think someone was like being all negative with me when in reality they themselves were just being real as fuck but i would interpret as like more dramatic than that for no known reason but, i can actually read things and understand the place where people are coming from better rather than like, my defense being up so high that i am actually perceiving things slightly to a delusional degree. I understand now I’m not under attack necessarily, and people typically aren’t trying to be mean or hate me. But at the time i really thought everyone hated me whenever they would tell me anything, or like, would just assume before i even spoke that people would assume all sorts of negative things about me, which led to a really severe lack of self confidence, and like, over shyness in public social situations. Anxious attachment style x1 million. Just another thing I had like, grow enough to be able to step outside of and heal from. I was not aware of it at the time. Just one of those things it is Hard to be totally self aware of, and why you are the way you are, when you are inside it. 

When you have all these sort of dysfunctions that need growth and repair though, it leads to just this sort of never ending, cluster fuck

@Blanc

A large portion of the conflict probably stems from that most people here are in a place where we deal with our hardships without focusing them through a prism here. For instance, Sugar and Jim will sometimes mention some BPD stuff happening in passing, TC may make some remarks about depression, but these aren’t soundtracks to their presence here that they blare loudly.

A lot of the negative reaction here has been to the duration of your trauma talk and how absorbed you seem in it, whereas the general attitude here is just deal with your shit and move on…if you aren’t, then figure it out. There isn’t much enthusiasm in this crowd for external loci of control.

To be continued off of last post- 

cluster fuck and never ending train wreck of problems that just compound on each other and all exasperate and worsen each other like, its all a complex dynamic, impacting all of itself at once, and the more you try to untangle it and undo it, the more it tangles! Negative feedback loops worsening themselves at compounding rates and increasing frequency. Worsening symptoms. Which worsens behaviors. Which worsens perceptions. Which worsen sytmpoms which worsening behaviors which worsens perceptions. 

Dialectal behavior therapy aims to interrupt these processes and re-write your brain essentially to escape these loops that you get trapped inside of, and as time changes due to neuroplasticity you essentially become mentally healthier over time- or what new age, millennials/gen-z call, “growth”, or in therapy terms, ‘healing’

it is transformation and transcendence, while still remaining you, and the same you that you exactly were and are and always have been, and true spiritual growth like, it results in a grounded-ness and a different type of confidence which I’ve literally never experienced before in my life. 

Nothing has changed I am still the same person but, I am more whole now, and everything has changed. 

Tryptamine said: 

@Blanc

A large portion of the conflict probably stems from that most people here are in a place where we deal with our hardships without focusing them through a prism here. For instance, Sugar and Jim will sometimes mention some BPD stuff happening in passing, TC may make some remarks about depression, but these aren’t soundtracks to their presence here that they blare loudly.

A lot of the negative reaction here has been to the duration of your trauma talk and how absorbed you seem in it, whereas the general attitude here is just deal with your shit and move on…if you aren’t, then figure it out. There isn’t much enthusiasm in this crowd for external loci of control.

 Exactly, you’re better at putting things into words succinctly lol you’re smarter than me but yes. That is exactly what I was trying to say. 

And it comes off as like, a lack of respect or awareness for other peoples struggles or hardships, when that is not at all who or how I actually am, it just comes off that way and I suck at like, making sure constantly that it doesn’t come off that way. 

MH topics online are very difficult to talk about without being negatively received, they are sensitive topics and, you have to do it *just right* i mean really, just right. Or, you will face some serious backlash due to like, perceptions and things. 

And then on top of that like, you have to be willing to be totally real, totally vulnerable, totally open- on the internet, you are sharing yorself, the most vulnerable parts of yourself, with *everyone* and, where they are at, exactly where they are at- they have the freedom to judge that, they have the freedom to express that judgement, they have the freedom to criticize that even- and they often will. 

And it’s really hard to just, plainly document what you are going through without it being, ill recieved, or resulting in, paining yourself into a corner, a negative light, one dimensional, etc. 

 This is the complexity of parasocial relationships on the internet, and, sociological community dynamics of the ‘social spaces’ on the digital realm. 

I think you have the ability to like, see all sides of things though… and thats always really cool and honestly, important and the markings of a natural leader. Where as a lot of people will typically see things from within their own scope and very subjectively, there is nothing wrong with that but to be able to understand and see all sides and remain objective a lot of the time, without bias, that is, kind of unique. 

Tryptamine said: 

TC may make some remarks about depression

Do I? 

A lot of the negative reaction here has been to the duration of your trauma talk and how absorbed you seem in it

Actually a lot of it's over how she interrupts others without any communicative reciprocity, tries to rank her own suffering above others overall (so duration, the source material itself, and her rationale behind it relative to it), and some people like Sug still seem to be on about the time she lied about having a brother so Blanc's history of weird claims is following her too. 

There's also how many disorders she's listed herself as having back to back with no patience for people questioning her over it (since that tends to unravel it, followed by her complaining over how no one understands and she's the expert from watching hours of Youtube), and the times she starts doing weird daydream-lies for who-knows-why. 

Following being caught for it she then backpeddles and tries to act like she didn't really mean it the way other people are taking it. I'd say most of what get people on her case for is the perception of inauthenticity. When truly cornered she reminds us that 'Blanc is just a character guise, it's not really me, it's just a parody roflmao yeet'. 

natasha87 said: 

you remind me of her so much, and she has histrionic personality disorder like you. her whole life was about presenting some fake image she thought looked kewl, but in reality she was kinda meh. she's good at getting ppl to like her though.

she makes up false abuse accusations as well (just like you do), ones that make no sense and speak to a privileged entitled brat who doesnt even know what real pain is, so their faking it comes off disjointed and nonsensical.

that's all

What the fuck did you read my mind