I think, I knew that I needed the blatant honesty coming from here, even though it was maybe hard to hear at times, because, like I said- you think in a way that isnât exactly accurate, or can be slightly dystonic at times. Your perceptions are off due to being, mentally unhealthy.
I had to do personal work on myself to make my mind a healthier place to be, no one can do that for you. I had to do personal work to allow my mindsets to change, and to experience marked observable improvements in my life.
I knew something had to change, I desired change, despite that I continued to write things, I desired to become different, and to become more myself aagain as I once was. I was a different person before I was 19. A person which none of you met.
Bad things happened to me and it really changed me, and it took me a really long time to recover my actual SELF from that.
But, the reason I kept coming here is because I knew something was wrong, I knew the way I was was wrong, I knew I wasnât myself and wanted to change, I knew the way like, I was, wasnât right. I just like, couldnât, figure out how to navigate healing myself necessarily but, to be *reminded* by other people like, âblanc, this is fucking stupid what are you doingâ like I *needed* that in a way so I could not continue to dissociate in this unhealthy ways
I *appreciate* and needed the guidance and the blatant honesty of people being like âstop itâ lol and in a way, like, no one is an island, you cannot exactly heal on your own, part of healing does come from, various connection you find with others, and their responses to you.
I think I knew in some way that I needed connection to others and thats why I was seeking it out here, and though I found it other places in more like, recovery type settings, thatâs why I was here. I just, was finding my way essentially or trying to.
I hope that makes things make sense.
Now that I am 27, I am finally getting to re-know myself, after having been so far removed and detached from it, and feeling so broken up, and lacking that like, whole-ness, and genuine sense of self.
When I came into therapy, they asked me what my goals were and I talked about, how I lacked a sense of self, and that I wanted to âfeel wholeâ and that I forgot who I was often. This was just, symptomatic dissociation and not concrete fact- who I was was not irretrievable or missing, or broken, or gone. But that is how it was perceived. Because how would you know better? All I knew is when I looked in the mirror I didnât recognize myself. I could tell you who I used to be, but I didnât feel like that person anymore, and I couldnât explain why that was, it just was. I couldnât turn that off. I couldnât re-attach. My face never became familiar. My own name didnât resonate. My life story felt broken into pieces, which I couldnât remember consecutively or chronologically, or all at once- but rather, my recall was fragmented, and state-dependent. At times I could remember what happened when I was 10-14. At other times, I could not- but I didnât know that was missing. It just was hiding without me knowing I forgot it. And then maybe next week, I would remember again.
This is why I was so determined to write so much down and talk about so much of âwhat happened to meâ particularly traumatic experiences, basically everything that I couldnât STOP forgetting. I was trying to REMEMBER everything at once, and i thought maybe if I wrote it all down I would stop forgetting. But this effort did not work, surprisingly.
No matter how much I wrote down I would still forget, and I still didnât feel whole, and I still couldnât tell you from A-Z the entire story without leaving things out. And each day, the story would have different parts left out.
It was very confusing. This is why I did so much research about mental health topics, and once again, talked about it so much here. I was writing it all down because I knew I would forget if I didnât, and I was trying to piece together a whole picture of what was wrong and how to fix it- myself.
This didnât really work necessarily but it is helpful at least to *understand* on sort of a mechanical or clinical perspective what is going on with you, from like, a professional stand point. Once you have a name and can identify, oh, I have this problem, yes this is what is wrong, you can go from there and research how to fucking fix it.
Trauma disorders come with many symptoms and they occur simultaneously, it is very complex, and the person experiencing it can become quite muddy and confused, getting sort of lost in it.
So I think, writing all of it, it was an attempt to make sense of it all because I was just really confused, and didnât understand how healing from it worked, or if it was even possible.
