Sociopath Community

Pretty sure I have asthma. I need to see a doc bout it. 

Blanc said: 

Pretty sure I have asthma. I need to see a doc bout it. 

omg what don't you have? 

If you have even 1/10 of the panic issues you claim to have, you could just as easily be short of breath from tension and nerves, which you'd know if you really had those issues. 

You're a hypochondriac, go see someone about that shit before you hurt yourself further. 

I dunno I just don’t understand why I can’t breathe a lot 

like even just from laughing or screaming it will trigger it 

Heat and humidity 

and I am completely unable to run, or even walk too fast 

it’s just the weirdest thing that it has such a serious impact and yet it has eluded diagnosis this long 

One doctor suggested that it was due to the extreme anemia, but I dunno.... that doesn’t explain why I can’t breath when the temperature of the house goes above 74 or when I turn on a space heater. 

I just want it to stop, it’s not that I am seeking a diagnosis, I’m just seeking a treatment for my inability to run whatever it may be, or inability to breath when it’s a more extreme humid out 

Because I can’t breathe when I run or even do something like lift boxes into a trunk of a car etc. 

im tired of having to “take it easy.” 

its just kind of annoying, but it’s not like I have anxiety about it 

a hypochondriac has anxiety about these things and think they will die or think it’s worse than it is 

i don’t feel any worry, I just, was writing it down here so I wouldn’t forget to maybe go see a pulmonary doctor 

and if they find ah yeah it’s just anemia or whatever then that’s great I don’t want to have physical problems or mental problems 

and my problems though they are still there and are sucky I am very fortunate they’re not severe 

I do agree with needing to continue therapy and make sure to focus on the area I have where I freak out about food 

thats like a genuine hypochondria or OCD 

(my psych said labeled it as EDNOS in the hospital) 

either way it’s an annoying thing because it doesn’t have a genuine label or category so other people therefor can’t quite understand like just quickly understand by me telling them something like “oh I have this” and then they would stop trying to force me to eat it etc. 

If I say eating disorder people just assume anorexia which it’s not that 

So I just say OCD because it’s similar to the fear of germs thing which is what most people generally think ocd is (even tho that’s not true that’s just one type) 

but yeah the reason I use these labels is so people can quickly understand the type of experience I have and why I don’t eat the food 

so I don’t have to waste time explaining,... it’s very difficult to explain in a way that allows them to understand and go “oh yeah I totally get it” 

because the truth is it’s completely irrational, makes no sense, and if you haven’t experienced anything like it, it may be near impossible to fully get in all honesty lol 

so OCD just helps for them to understand is my hope. Without me having to explain it (and fail at it)

And yeah while my panic attacks might be a 3/10 compared to the worst of the worst it’s still a panic attack so

We use these labels to quickly explain. What’s going on. With us. So ppl understand. Not for dramatic effect or pity or whatever like 

it’s just is what it is 

and by me noting these things 

I’m doing it to monitor myself behaviorally 

it’s part of how dbt works 

it helps long term also because I can’t remember but this will show me monitoring what went on 

am I improving etc 

it’s a habit tracker for mental health essentially 

so when I’m talking about freak out and panic attacks in just marking it down in my journal because self monitoring is half the battle in mindfulness aka dbt therapy 

also helps me remember what topics I need to talk about in therapy as sometimes I sit there and draw a blank 

im noting my issues cuz I’m trying to make them stop not having worry it hypochondria about them 

My dad suggested I have bipolar and wants me to go to a doc to help

im not entirely certain. But he and my aunt (who is very intelligent) believes it is evident exactly what type even down to the specifics. 

my nurse practitioner suggested cyclothymic a long time ago 

I just don’t like feeling out of control? And admitting that I have this would be kind of terrifying at the notion I never will be as stable as I maybe hoped I could be 

and that puts a pain in my heart and just makes your instability worse to receive a diagnosis like this 

I don’t want to take the medication for it so that’s going to take some convincing if the doc is certain 

but my dad and my aunt and my mom all think it may be that and they see similarities in me and their close friends and people they know with bipolar that are things I do they don’t understand and are off or abnormal but they’ve seen similar behaviors in these people with bipolar 

honestly like it’s obvious to even me but at the same time I can so easily be in denial to the point that I don’t even know I am doing the denial 

I’m unconscious to the fact I may be denying it is the reason I’m thinking at that time I don’t have a problem etc 

I tried to bring up this issue with my very first therapist and she said no you don’t have bipolar but she wasn’t a licensed psychiatrist and honestly didn’t understand what she was talking about. she said my meds would make bipolar worse but 

my nurse practitioner explained that’s not true in all cases sometimes it helps bipolar but only a little bit not all the way

angways i don’t really know what to do but yeah I guess I’ll talk to a freakin therapist about all my thoughts about this and they’ll help me fuckin deal with it 

hopefully? 

My dad talked to me about his bpd and other issues too which was nice cuz he normally won’t. 

and mentioned his issue with splitting 

and then he said my aunt thinks I blame ppl for my instability because I feel misunderstood and like they are causing it when really it’s me 

then she went in to explain the kind of help I needed like stable environment and yada yada yada 

I wouldn't know, but I've never seen you manic, and you're either depressed or fine. I say MDD.

Of course I'm just text on the screen

this video goes over some introductory basic stuff to know about entering trauma recovery, seems to be mainly for people who are new to seeking help and sorted trauma out 

But there is also a great reminder about how you should allow yourself to feel and react to your trauma and not shame yourself or feel bad or guilty or whatever negative for whatever reaction you had 

that talking about it is important (within the bounds of professional help and at the pace you are comfortable) 

and that no one can tell you how you are supposed to recover or how you should feel or how you should react to your trauma and you In no way should feel bad or be shamed for that 

There is recovering memories and then there is processing 

and majority of what I do here just talking about things weather it be my day and what I did or something heavier or more deep into the thoughts in my head or experiences I’m having it’s all part of processing and it’s also part of me taking control of what’s going on, finding control over it. 

Which is just really crucial to do for someone who maybe has been forced to live without autonomy for a long time because it wasn’t safe 

To just take back control of your own self instead of reverting into this habit of being small and letting yourself go unheard like 

it’s bull shit it’s not, how any human being is meant to be 

so yeah this is sort of, liberating for me

theres many other reasons why the writing has been beneficial. But this is why I do this. And like... though you may not understand (which is ok I don’t expect you to) just know there is always a reason why I made each and every one of these posts and it does serve a purpose in my recovery 

but this video was helpful for me to be reminded like it was just what I needed to hear because, yeah people, do judge but. I have to remember like, just because they are being judge mental about the way I react 

It just means they don’t understand and... it’s not, got anything to do wirh like what’s best for my recovery?? 

and then the most relevant portion I want to highlight 

is @21:32 

This portion of video just watch cuz they explain it perfectly 

Right now I’m actually in a head space where I’ve forgotten everything 

I don’t know what’s missing but I just don’t really feel impacted by any trauma in anyway and that’s a common cycle I go through I just don’t document these periods of time here because everything is so normal during it there’s nothing really to say 

I feel a certain sense of creative block when I’m in these times I’m less creative I don’t feel the need to express anything I’m less emotionally reactive to things so 

like I will go through a week of time where I’m really angry about whatever it was and I get so disheveled within my self about past shit that’s gotten dug up or I go through these just saummersalts and upheavals of very heavy emotion and it casts an entire, shadow on everything I do and experience that week to the point it distorts my reality’s and the way I perceive it and my thoughts my moods etc 

and then I go through these dry spells where I don’t remember and I don’t necessarily feel numb but I just don’t feel anything attached to anything bad that’s happened as if I’ve completely moved on from it but that’s not true it’s just that I literally dislocated from it like a dislocated shoulder 

And this is 100% without fail happens repeatedly like very very regularly, very cyclically... I’m very used to it. And 

I appear to be doing extremely well during these periods. I notice the change first in my social behavior. I interact more I talk more I actually go Hang out with people and desire to be social. And am much more sociable during it like, happier seeming, lighter, demeanor. Actually enjoying it. 

I might start cleaning more instead of sleeping, going for walks, eating better. Taking care of myself more. Expressing hopes, desires, goals, passions, interests. Going outside more. Thinking about the future. 

but it doesn’t ever last. I can promise you. Like I will bet my life on it. That literally 10 days from now, whatever this normalcy is that I found for myself and find over and over again. Stability, healthy ness. It all goes away eventually. 

And I’m not sure how or why but. 

this is just how it is like, I don’t know what is missing or what I’m forgetting but whatever my brain has done it stops being impacted emotionally deeply by whatever past trauma to the point I just don’t feel the impact at all it doesn’t affect me 

But it will be back. Sort of like it goes from being on the surface to dormancy and I can’t choose when that will be or how severe it will be 

when it’s on the surface the impact is really bad ya know.