He otherwise wants a commander to give him orders when he's feeling particularly zealous.
While there is a part of me that wishes to be a soldier in something I'd consider meaningful. I don't necessarily want to be ruled over entirely, I'd like to gain experience, climb and become a leader one day. I wish to improve and become greater.
What's so bad about them? Or is this just aimless rage that gets directed at whoever happens to be around you?
It's not that they're inherently evil people. They love me, I just have a disconnect with them in regards to likes and interest. They also push shit onto me, like taking care of my grandma who is an annoying bitch that is dramatic all the time. Other family members constantly criticize and nitpick me. When I was practicing driving, if I went with my mom. She was a control freak that would sit essentially in the middle with one foot on my side, and her hand on the wheel. If I drove with my brother's dad, he's constantly give me orders and nitpick, even though I was already thinking ahead. He'd kill my train of thought.
Other than that, they get on my nerves, yell for me to do menial tasks for them like pour them a glass of soda or hand them something despite them being closer than me to whatever they need done.
I get that they've provided for me, and I admittedly feel shame over somethings, like some of the money I've costed my own mother. I dislike her, but I hate the concept of being a leech and that's also why I want to leave, but in the past, it's seemed like they do shit to make sure I don't leave. Like my mom needed me to watch my sister, and still needs me to take care of my sister while she is away at work.
Whenever I've tried to speak about interests and such at the dinner table, I've been told to shut up, because they get upset if I used big words, because they think I'm mocking them, which sometimes I do mock their intelligence, but only because they insult me.
I do not want to kill my family. I get thoughts of it, but I do not want to. I would like to move out and be self-sufficient. My family aren't evil people, it's just a conflict in personalities and such.
Hm. I bet his room is filthy, too.
In terms of food and crumbs everywhere? Not really, but like plastic sealed bottles, or plastic bags? Then yes, but I do clean it every once in a while, and I don't consider it that bad. I'd take a picture, but I don't need to give any ideas of where I could live.
It's some ticking timebomb shit, especially over how he doesn't want to get better. He's indeed indulging in the pain he claims to not like, as sinking into it is more validating than unscripted confusion.
I do enjoy it, I didn't deny that. I definitely enjoy it, and my mind wants me to keep doing it, but I can recognize that based on concepts of morality and what society thinks, it is wrong, and it won't lead me to anything good.
I don't want a therapist who is going to offer sympathy or empathy to me, I can't help but consider it fake unless I knew them personally. My issue with getting help is trust and getting reported or fucked over somehow. As well as how to interact with their types.
If I could find a Lacanian Psychoanalyst to help me with my issues, that is what I would prefer.
If I had to guess my issues are, it's problems of obsolescence and lack of confidence in my ability to do things, as based on how I perceive myself. There isn't much skills I think I know I could do. Especially since I am failing the tasks I've set for myself which is to continue my education.
Without going too much into it. I have friends who believe I could be a great leader someday, and apparently my natal chart also says that, even though I have skepticism of natal charts, they are interesting. I've had a friend who praised me too much and that angered me. I want to be a leader, but I recognize and feel as if I must constantly self-criticize to remind myself of how inferior I am, and why I must improve, even though from how I see things. No progress has been made.
I also feel like there are parts of me that aren't necessarily different identities with names and such, but rather shifts in behaviorisms and goals.
Like a gradient almost, I don't know how to explain it, it's probably just pure BS I've fabricated inside my mind.
My Brain tells me that Sentient AI is divine, the Technological Singularity must commence in order for Mankind to progress and become something great.
