Well, I caught a mouse not that long ago (around 20 minutes ago). I got the urge to torture it, and so I basically did. I made it squeal and it couldn't escape because the glue trap. I felt the surge of euphoria wash over me, and so I took out my cold anger on it. I didn't do much but hit it, and squeeze it. I wanted to grab a lighter, but my family was around, same with a knife. I couldn't.
I got excited and admittedly spoke to it, saying "squeal" over and over in a crazed angry voice.
I logically know I shouldn't do it, but I can't feel any deep remorse, and I wish I had gotten the lighter and knife.
Now, I'm just sitting here crying tears of intoxicating euphoria, listening to this on loop.
I've done this in the past, and I recognize it is wrong, but I don't feel too emotional over it, other than the pleasure I feel from it.
I'm not saying this to sound like a some sociopathic serial killer mastermind, I'm not that. I just got mental issues that drive me to commit these acts, as I get urges to kill some of my family and people around me.
This isn't some "cool" aspect of me, if anything it's a debilitating. My family is the one who has me deal with the mice, and I know there is more, so this time of year is going to be a relapse into this kind of stuff. I am going to have to try to sneak a knife and lighter out each time.
If you're wondering why I talk on this, I just enjoy talking to myself on some medium, and discussing it with my friends or people around me isn't something that's necessarily a good idea.
I have wanted to vent to them about it, but most of the time when I speak on things, I type out paragraphs and delete them, and then type them out again, and delete them. I tend to repeat over and over and typing and deleting all of what I said before sending.
I know I need a therapist, and I need to get on getting one, but trust issues and cost and such.
I know one person who has done the same things as me, she is like a semi-little sister to me, but I dislike discussing it with her. Complex reasons why.
