Sociopath Community

Blanc said: 

Turncoat said: 

She's financially supported by outside sources and lives in a super neat and tidy box. 

Thank you for saying my box was neat and tidy 

It's not a compliment when it comes to people like us. If anything it's a symptom of bigger problems going on with you. 

It's one thing to prefer a nice, clean space to be able to think and relax, but it's another to flip shit over a single shirt in the corner of your room. 

Have you ever tried keeping your room messy on purpose? 

Blanc said: 

i know if this is something I start talking about I will have a panic attack 

Have you ever tried to elicit panic attacks on purpose within controlled conditions in order to see what answers lie behind them? 

I ♥ Huckabees:

Brad: "Well what's so great about depression!?"

Bernard: "Nothing, unless it holds the key to something you compulsively avoid, so it will never be examined or felt, hence your behavior becomes repetitive." 

MartinLooterKing said: 

Turncoat said: 

MartinLooterKing said: 

Can you teach me how to live in a made up fantasy like you do? I wouldnt mind losing my sanity, you survived this long right?

She's financially supported by outside sources and lives in a super neat and tidy box. 

She might as well be in asylum. 

Shes kept by her parents as a caged pet animal who has no touch with reality and unwilling to leave the nest and take risks, cushioned in a comfort zone and fantasies alone in her room all day. Never teaching her any life skills and encouraging her to do anything herself so she will forever need them and not dare to spread wings. They got her good. Dont even have to beat her or abuse her.

I don't know about that. I trash talk Home-schoolers pretty often for being remarkably stunted people, but something else is going on with Blanc. 

This is self-inflicted within an environment that caters to it. She's the rat in the cage pressing the button the scientists gave her to get food, and there's no world outside of that cage for her. The human condition usually desires novelty, yet she seems to find it solely in makeup trends and new ways of expressing her believed disorderly state. 

Many people in her shoes would see her life as a prison and seek ways of escaping it, yet she seems both fine with it and deeply afraid of the outside world. She's "Institutionalized", her fear and setting being her remote institution. 

She likely just has excess energy to burn off from spending so much time inside, and with so little going on it's leading to a contextless sense of turmoil and dread. From having no context for it, she uses websites like Youtube to find "what's wrong", then models off of it as an attempt at outletting her stress. If she were to challenge her fear of outside interactions, she'd likely find ways of calming herself down. Even joining an aerobics, yoga, or self defense class could burn off that energy while filling in for a disconnected sense of social needs. 

now you’re getting it.

When I first came to SC I was sort of desperate to get out of my situation and also wanted people to talk to about it. 

I was hoping to meet someone who could help. I looked in a lot of places for resources like this but I just sort of tried to figure it out on my own. 

After a while being homeless my grandmother took me in under the condition I went to school. 

so I went. 

It’s always been about escapism. It’s always been about freedom. And this place always has been a prison for me. 

when I returned from my grandmothers I thought I could make things right somehow. But that was a naive sentiment. Had good intentions but it back fired. 

I wound up literally locked up against my will in my house again and, being abused and screaming to get out. No one came. 

just like in Mexico and Italy, etc. when I was being hurt there, I begged for help but most people turn the other cheek. 

My going to Mexico was part of one of my many escape routes from here. 

theyve all gone, horribly wrong and. With time I’ve had to, accept. That total freedom has to wait. Good things come to those who wait. 

the reason I’m so isolated is because I’m not allowed to have friends. My parents are too controlling for that, unfortunately. It never goes well when they find out about them. 

they’ll do anything to, destroy any relationships I form, etc. they don’t like anyone. 

Not even me. 

So I have to pretend to be this mold of what they want or I get in trouble, and I won’t be rewarded.

I do have, a life outside of makeup and cleaning my room. 

But, I do have a tendency to sort of isolate a bit more than the average person and I would say I’m a little socially stunted possibly. 

I believe this began in the early days of development when I was in a home for children for a very long time. I remember I wasn’t allowed to go outside. I never stepped outside a house for a few years. And these were the earliest years of my development. 

So yeah, I seem a little off to people. I don’t notice it but everyone else seems to comment on it. But that might have something to do with it. 

there are signs of neglect I was exhibiting in early childhood which I’ve seen on tapes. And I have memories of my teachers complaining about the signs as well and my parents brushing it off or lying about it. 

The odd thing is though. My parents say, that it was a home for children and said, there were other children there but. In my memory, there weren’t. It was just me and this woman, named Neera and a man who brought us groceries. 

that’s why I say, if you want to know what my childhood was like, watch the movie “room” 

I wasn’t allowed to go outside. So you could say I was very much institutionalized. 

and then, the controlling nature of my parents just led me down a path of. Forming my entire identity around what they needed to see. A mold. For survival. Conditioning. 

I wasn’t allowed to develop into the person I am, I remember as early as 1st grade. The covering up of myself was around even then. I had a lot go on with my day I wanted to talk about with somebody but. In fear of making my mom mad or judge me negatively or hate me- be critical, punish me, physically or emotionally, I lied. I said my day was “good” and that’s it. She’d pry for more and I’d just sprinkle a finite detail in there to make it seem natural. 

But I remember that specifically, always being asked how my day was and always responding, “good.” And thats it. Never allowed to really talk more than that, about things. 

I went thru similar. I was not allowed to go outside to play with my friends, if I got a B instead of A i was beaten with a belt till i could not walk, slapped when she felt stressed or bored, and trashed to family and friends in an attempt to isolate me from them and create a narrative that i was some demon (presumably so people wont believe me when i tell em how sadistic and abusive she is and blow off her mask)

Yet when I was 17 I ran from home and spent a week homeless then picked up some shitty low paying construction job carrying iron bars all day because I was not skilled in tying up the iron with the copper threads or carpentry so I had to carry iron 12 hours a day just to get 300$ a month which was to survive and buy clothes (no money left)

My desire to be independent was so bad that I bought a fake ID card that showed me 1 year older so I can run off to Turkey and start web development / scamming and so forth

You are just a lazy parasite who is content with being dependent on others and not having autonomy and be responsible for your life, because then you would have to blame yourself for your own failures instead of your parents and the world plus probably be in a financially inferior position (you get a sense of status from your parents wealth and accomplishments since you have none of your own)

Someone who is being abused will sleep in a dog barn in order to escape it. Why not just admit that you dont want to be on your own feet and be culpable for yourself and enjoy being a leech who feeds off the money and status and security of others?

Your situation must be really good in order for you to cling so hard to it. You have it good

this isn’t a pissing contest. I’m sorry you’ve been through those things man. I had no idea we could relate so much but I’m so relieved I found someone who does. 

just like you do not have sympathy for me I don’t for myself. I’m not here to have a pity party. I’m here to try to remember my life. 

Theres something wrong with my memory. So I’m just trying to put all the pieces back together and make sense of it. It’s very broken and disjointed and what I can remember all at once is never the full picture. 

so that’s why I write down detailed accounts of what I do remember at the time so later I can re-jog it if needed. 

the more you guys talk the more I remember. It helps trigger forward the memory. 

- 

as far as what happened when I was homeless I worked my ass off similar to you, to get a full scholarship to school. It wasn’t easy and on top of that was dealing with other issues and working in serving. 

This was after a while of being on the streets first. I went through some fucked shit and then started living my dealers trap house and they set me up with the serving position so I could pay them to live literally on their floor. It wasn’t a safe or clean environment to say the least. 

I just knew I wanted to get out of there so that’s when I took my last 200 dollars to apply for college. This was after taking courses inline to make sure I would qualify for the scholarship. 

thag was the last money I had. It was very much a rock bottom moment for me. I lived off of stolen wine coolers and oranges my friend gave me. things like that. 

anyway then I went to live in the arrangements made for scholarship students. I worked my butt off to stay in that GPA. But I was psychologically breaking down from white knuckling so long. 

And the effects of ptsd started hitting me like a brick wall. 

The story keeps going but, basically there was a lot of drama with my family and it wasn’t fun 

and this lasted three years with the constant threat of homelessness chasing me under my feet. 

I came home trying to alleviate that distress and inner turmoil from my family disowning me and it just made everything much worse. 

they wound up keeping me locked in a room for a month or two because we were fighting about shit and they didn’t like it. They didn’t agree with anything I was doing or anything I said they just wanted me to get it through my head that they owned me. 

and after about yeah 1-two months I think it was? I eventually snapped after my dad said “we keeping you here one year you work for me now you do as I say or else and you’re not leaving this room or else.” 

there were known implications filling in the or else statements like turning me over to police to find me and pinning drugs on me so I’d go to jail and have a record that carried me for life, to threatened beatings and other punishments along those lines of hard work and torture. 

My windows were bullet proof glass so I couldn’t get out and I mean, it was hell. Everything that went on during this period. 

I would have panic attacks and vomit and they took me to the hospital and gave me anti-anxiety meds saying she had a panic attack she doesn’t have heart problems. 

and I started taking those without them knowing. To sedate myself. You can see where that’s going. 

but yeah at one point I snapped when my dad said he’d keep me there essentially forever and I just tried to get out anyway I could 

I think I thought they were gonna let me go back to my school and everything would be fine I just didn’t know like things were going to get worse instead of better. But when I realized it’s not getting better like I just had it. 

I just couldn’t take it anymore.

so at first I ran for the door and started screaming outside and then my dad put his hand over my mouth and grabbed me from behind and threw me back inside 

He went in the other room after yelling at me for a while and I immediately started looking for the keys as quietly as I could 

and then I went up to my mom in the other room and got in her face and quietly whispered “give me the keys or I’ll kill you” 

lmfao I has truly snapped in this moment but try being held against your will and beaten constantly and see how you act like a psychotic animal. 

and she pointed to a shelf behind me and then I ran over and looked through a bag and still didn’t find them but I took the bag with me and ran outside because I could hear my dad coming 

and I ran to the car and dumped the bag out searching through everything on the ground for these damn keys 

and he was coming toward me at this point and I’m like no no no no 

and then he grabbed me and picked me up and threw me into the car and started kicking me. 

and he said if you don’t come inside by the time I count down to zero when I get to zero I’m gonna beat your ass you’re gonna he real sorry 

and he started counting and I was screaming at him like WHERE ARE THE KEYS JUST GIVE ME THE KEYS I KNOW YOU HAVE THEM WHERE ARE THEY 

and he just kept counting and then I looked at his pockets and realized they’re probably in there what have I got to lose so 

I stuck my hand down his pocket really fast and fished out the keys and then ran as fast as I could to the car got in and threw that shit in reverse 

and then I “slept” in a hotel parking lot that night. 

I can’t remember what happened after this point 

Drawing a blank. 

Please just realize I’m just a human being I don’t know what you’re like expecting me to be or why you’re so mad at me all the time but um 

I dunno what to say. You say that I haven’t tried to leave when I have many times. Like I said they’re all failed escape routes. 

They’ve made it more difficult than just leaving. I couldn’t just leave.

they threatened to put me in foster care, then they disowned me. They threaded to kill me, and bury me in the woods so no one would find out. And if I went somewhere they’d always find me or get me to come back somehow by threatening or manipulating me in some various way. 

It was blackmail on my ex boyfriends part that caused them to disown me the first time. And then, later on. They threatened to send the police after me with proof of my involvement in drugs as a means to arrest me and, they knew the cop personally and had met with him to make this arrangement. And said he would agree to do it. 

So yeah I was kind of stuck at that point. I did manage to get away for a little while, that night I slept in the parking lot. 

I just can’t remember what happened after that. 

But like I said there were many many failed attempts at consoling the situation and at running away and I’ve tried and done a lot of things to sort of make my situation better in various ways. I’ve tried a lot of things. 

But yeah all of this shit was like years ago keep in mind so like my behavior, my maturity, my mentality surrounding everything has changed a lot. I’ve gotten mental health help. I’ve gotten clean. Etc. I’ve taken responsibility. And I’ve found a way to be happy despite things not having been perfect. The anti-depressants help with that ngl. 

I’ve sort of moved past this phase in my life, it’s been many years. So just keep that in mind that like. 

what I’m talking about is very much in the past and I’ve done a lot of personal work and had a lot of internal growth and healing since then. On my own initiative and with the help of professionals, and other means. 

So yeah. Like. I’m 25 now. I worked in a coffee shop and I was living on my own. Things were going decent. 

covid came though and cucked me hard so I just am trying to get back in the game working so I can move back into my apartment. I have an interview on Tuesday for a job opening and because of my barista experience I think I might get it . 

there’s more to my life than what I’m mentioning here but I figure I should just clarify that so people don’t assume that’s all that’s going on in my life or has gone on. No there is more I just that’s what I felt like sharing. Chill lol there’s always more but like, you have to really know a person and have a close relationship with them to know about those things I guess and every detail of a persons life. This is just a journal kind of like equivalent to what a vlogger on the internet Would share level of like, information about their life so like. 

while you may feel like you knew me at a deep personal level and every detail of my life because it feels like that it really does, it doesn’t mean that’s what it is. It’s not the full, picture it’s just a vlog like. It’s not my whole entire everything I dunno how to explain that lol 

I thought people understood or assumed that obviously there’s more to a person than just what they post in a random little blurb on the internet but yeah 

pls just understand because u feel like u know me doesn’t mean you fully fully do or fully know the whole story or my life and me as a person especially like what kind of person I am etc 

Basically to sumimise things my childhood was traumatic and fucked up. I have not fully recovered from that as far as how well I function as a human being in a lot of areas of life, if I’m being totally honest. 

I hate to admit that because I like to say ah yeah I’m fine. I can function. But the truth is, I’m not necessarily normal like, normal people are without trauma or mental health problems and 

I need to maintain therapeutic work in order to maintain my ability to function. At least that’s probably the better or healthier idea to go about it. 

When you have psychological stressors going on such as a mental health disorder like ptsd, you have to combat it with medicine and doctors visits just like treating any other illness. 

Illness sometimes is only manageable more than curable. This is the case with mental health problems sometimes as well. 

A medical chronic condition requires monitoring in order to manage it properly, through blood work and other measures. And they often affect every part of the human body in ways that are very complex and detailed, which is why they require specialists. They also affect the persons life in many areas. 

Mental health is just the same. 

I need to get it through my head that this diagnosis is real. I need to stop forgetting, everything. So I write it down. And I still manage, to fucking forget. 

I like to convince myself and everyone around me I’m doing great and everything is fine. I don’t know why I do it. I really don’t know why I do that shit but I always have. 

And so I reallt did to get real and stop fucking pretending everything’s just fine and just because you’re okay doesn’t mean you need to stop therapy or, outside things that help like, NA or, ACA, or reading materials and work books- and most importantly journaling. 

joirnaling, is my blood work. It’s the condition, monitoring. 

I totally get it now. Anyways. 

Im trying as best I can to sort of, work on my memory gapping issue (dissociating things) and sort of trying to remain a whole person all at once rather than forgetting everything a lot and losing my sense of self with it or just, slipping into various forms of denial almost. 

And then as that whole self just continue to get better and to heal so that I regain function and am less, hindered or distressed by the illness as much as possible.