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5 walls of bs and narc cope excuses lol

Being totally real right now, I feel a bit depressed today. Nothing major but it’s there 

- 

I remembered that I was a dancer as a child and 

I also remembered some snippets from middle school years. Of a game I used to play. 

it was nice to remember the dancing though 

because it was a time where I was happy I guess

I’m more depressed now

I slept all day and I’m feeling a little better 

maybe I just didn’t get enough sleep this week or something 

🤷‍♀️ 

ive noticed sleep does have a direct impact on how well my mental health is in regard to depression so maybe that was it 

need to kind of monitor that as it’s one of the major pinnacles of like keeping on top of mental health things. Sleeping and eating and like basic self care stuff

Wow, i literally slept all fucking day. I thought sleeping till 2pm was sleeping all day but no i actually went back to sleep after that and slept till like 9ish nearly 10pm 

and I went to bed last night, not like i fell asleep at like 6am or something 

so... once again i slept like 16 hours maybe more. 

I feel a little better though than how i was before so maybe i was just completely exhausted. 

Not sure why but I literally slept all day today again. Woke up at 5pm. 

this is two days in a row now that I’ve pretty much done nothing but sleep. I can’t stop sleeping? 

And like, I’m still tired dude 

It’s probably nutritional so I’m gonna do some grocery shopping and uh, take my supplements and see where that gets me. 

At least I feel mentally okay but it’s just because I stopped putting pressure on myself. I think I was stressing myself out again and that’s why I got depressed that one day, on top of sleep and nutrition deprivation. 

Like I realized that I put so much pressure on myself to be or do what other people want or expect or like, and also like, to do what I “must” or do what I’m “supposed to” 

withour actually thinking about what I want at all. It’s a bad bad habit. 

so I’m just giving myself the space and room to breathe and do what I want. And that’s helped alleviate a lot of mental pressure and like allowing myself to do what I want is making me happier go figure

I feel like, lately I’ve had a harder a week. Tbh. 

I just feel terrible honestly. Like physically. 

And then my heads been negative a bit. 

I feel aimless, pointless, and empty. 

And things along that line. Like, nothing matters, etc. 

And at the same time, it’s like oh, why not correct that by doing something about it- but it’s a double sided coin because I also feel too terrible, to have the drive, to do things- that I used to have the drive for. 

It’s like, wanting to make my life “better” but, nothing- does. It might look better on paper but like, that, feeling of whatever, gives you that push, and that drive to like, do things. And enjoy things. And feel things. 

It’s just not there. For me. 

Things are slowly getting more and more dull, and more things lose their meaning slowly over time. 

I got some resolution on the pain with my ex, because her contacting me recently made me realize wow she really doesn’t give a single shit about the pain she’s put me through and, I deserve to be with someone who, would, care about that. Ya know. Claiming she “has love for me still” but then, puts me through all of that bull shit, agony. No. Like, I’m sorry you don’t care about me. 

It just sucks because you know, I fell for her but. Like, no one, cares about me. 

But I just get on with it and try to enjoy my life the best I can and whatever- 

so I’ve been thinking about how I need to do things that I want more, staying true to myself and want I *genuinely* want or need, rather than fulfilling some check list that I’m *supposed* to.

And I feel like, ya know with covid everything, it’s really thrown me off, being able to, open up, life again but, if I were to get back to who I truly am and how I am happiest- 

I think it would be, to go back to dancing. Which sounds probably absurd but. I feel like that’s why I know. Ya know? Everything else feels like, like I said, trying to do things with the wrong hand. Your nondominant hand. It just doesn’t ever feel right. 

But there are certain things that feel right. That come naturally. That I genuinely desire to participate in. That I still feel that spark of inspiration toward, or that tiny spark of passion, or joy, or whatever. 

And I need to follow that. 

It’s just, very vague. The sparks are. Because I feel so numb, and I had forgotten much of myself and turned into something so much other than myself because of severe depression. It’s sort like, regaining feeling after you’ve, gone numb in your leg or something from poor circulation like. The sensation comes back, a little and then... all at once. 

I dunno. 

I’m just trying to follow those vague tingles... because I feel so, lost. In the dark. 

I had a decent couple of days since the last post I think I was pretty alright just a little tired, probabky related to my health though and possibly a little psychological but nothing too major just felt a little weighted down. Probably stress more than anything I thought. 

but today I’ve been a little more mentally unstable and, actually I wanna say it started maybe last night I think if my memory serves right. My memory is terrible, I don’t know why. 

I have had a flightyness of ideas and thoughts very chronically, some days it’s better than others and how long I can focus on something or remember it is, not totally up to me. 

my physical health is deteriorating, I need to get on top of that. It feels like I can’t breathe and just basic things like make me extremely tired and sick dizzy and like, panting. If I exert myself I will vomit as my chest tightens and it feels like my lungs shrunk, and then my neck turns to hot concrete. Essentially suffocating. is what I’m describing. Really fun. 

it’s frustrating because I used to be strong like an ox. I was powerful and strong, and fast, and so athletically capable. Now that I don’t have that, I hate it tbh. 

I want to get it back but it’s a complicated process, that requires working closely with a doctor and, a lot of diligence. 

I haven’t been able to keep mental stamina and on top of it because of struggling with stability. 

Sometimes I’m too depressed, and I just get in a completely different head space and forget all my dreams and aspirations, and everything I wanted to do or desired. I have no motivation or interest in anything, and want to fucking die or something just to end the suffering painful weight that depression feels like. 

And then other times, like how I started being the last few days I was more engaging and happier, lighter. More capable of doing things, more functional. And that tired feeling sort of crept away and or became more manahable. My shift in mindset and, disposition allowed me to be at ease and, kinder, more positive, more enjoyable to be around and, myself enjoying my own life as well. 

I still have a negative voice I battle in my head during this but, it’s not as loud I suppose, or I’m better at brushing it off at least during the day. 

I still can’t sleep at night because of it, find the need to course distraction through my veins but, not much suffices, oddly. When you’re battling mental demons that are so much larger than those distractions. 

Eventually I do pass out from exhaustion. 

but yesterday evening, I suppose I felt myself getting a little tired and perhaps cranky at night and I just got really angry with my dad. 

Sat down in the living room to hang out but my parents had a different idea of what they wanted to do. They didn’t really want to speak to me, and so I got frustrated with that honestly. And went to bed at night feeling like no one cares about me. 

just being totally honest what I felt, I know it might put a bad taste in your mouth. But this is something I am shedding light on because it’s something I need to work on with myself, and I’m taking full responsibility for it. 

I don’t really know what it stems from or why I’m like this but I just get frustrated when my dad disrespects me or treats me bad, or is an asshole to me. I can’t like, get him to see it or acknowledge it, he dismisses it, if I bring up qualms with the issue or basically, invalidates me, makes me feel like I’m fucking crazy for even bringing it up or demanding mutual respect. I’ve tried every approach, the nice way, the hard way, whatever I can. eventually my therapists even told me to give up and move past it 

but it’s kind of hard when they live around you. 

it’s more than just being aggravated by each other because we ar win each other’s space or having strong personalities that rub each other the wrong way. 

it’s flat out, fucked up the way I’ve been treated and like, I never have really ever gotten to just fucking say something and have someone listen and go, you’re not crazy, they’re wrong for doing that. or something, anything! 

I dunno. It’s, my duress. I’ve lived under a lot of duress, and it’s fucked I guess. My mom even said she regrets the way they parented me and they fucked me up royally. To my face. Admits they made mistakes. 

But as far as the physical abuse they don’t talk about that won’t touch it with a ten foot pole won’t utter the words 

but I know it happened. And I live with that like white elephant in the room on my shoulders and I live my entire life like I’m walking in egg shells 

but they get to pretend like nothing happened and we are a big happy family and everything’s fine and we are all so pure happy Christian normal good people right??? Yeah 

a lot of bad guys, don’t know they’re bad guys. They think they’re the good guy. They think they did the right thing. 

Dverythibf they did to me was under the guise of the words, “it’s for your own good” 

but I’ll be the first to admit, they fucked up, my life. 

but hey that’s okay like, I’ve made efforts to correct it. It’s turned out to be harder than I thought it would be. But, it’s still my responsibility right? 

but, I’d be shitting if you didn’t say it’s exhausting, it’s hard sometimes and, I’m totally on my own doing it man so. 

yeah. 

all of that just gets triggered forward when I get treated bad and then, again today, my dad treated me bad 

and I just, can’t take it anymore so this natural defense comes out like, a tougher side to me that’s grizzly and unappetizing. To say the least. 

When I act like that my dad calls me Satan. Which makes me even angrier. But I can’t say anything right, so I just sit there seething with rage and try to distract away the fucking pain but I’m sick of it 

and I want out. I need out. For my health. 

because it’s hard enough as it is bettering myself my life my stability my health etc. starting my young adult life and moving forward in so many areas. 

and then I have this shit at home just weighing me down hoenstly. 

because of my dads fucked up personality disorders and whatever, he’s really unstable himself unfortunately and has a lot of problems mentally with himself. 

that has been a huge strain on every aspect of his life. His employment, his relationships, and our family so much or our lives have been negatively affected by his mental problem. 

Borderline personality disorder, is just the tip of the ice berg. It’s unfortunate but not surprising considering the circumstances he was brought up by. Unfortunately we are somewhat affected by our environments especially, decelopmentally. 

and to deny that is to deny yourself the human right to deserve happiness and things that make you better over all. 

there is nothing wrong wirh being affected by your environment it’s fucking human. 

But yeah his instability affects me emotionally and it’s really hard. The layers of years of damage make it so much worse. And the environment has become wholly, and completely toxic to me in every possible way. 

it starts with minor aggravations and, lingering feelings of anxiousness or restless boredom, mild aggravation for no known cause. A faint taste of, suppressed, worthlessness. It’s all, a result of the environment and 

at times it’s too much for me and I dissociate and forget about this fact entirely. 

and I sit there wondering HM I WONDER WHATS WRONG WITH ME 

UH HELLO YOUR DAD BEAT YOU WITHIN AN INCH OF YOUR LIFE AND YOUR MOM CHOKED YOU ON YOUR FRONT DOOR STEP 

OF COURSE EVERYTHING DOESNT FEEL RIGHT 

jesus god I wish I could keep my head in straight and my eyes open but it’s just the effects of this maze you get in, after being in this cycle for years and years and the unstable environment it’s so, alluring and deceiving, and tricky, and you get so lost and turned around and 

before you know it you don’t know what’s up or down anymore! 

The reason why happy people look happy, is because they hide what makes them miserable- even from themselves.