Message Turncoat in a DM to get moderator attention

Users Online(? lurkers):
10 / 62 posts
0 votes

August journal content 2020


Posts: 9304

I feel like I have no control over my life and I think I’d be more happy with that back? so I’m trying to do that but it’s very stressful and difficult. 

I just feel stressed out. 

last edit on 8/2/2020 9:14:19 PM
Posts: 9304
0 votes RE: August journal content 2020

I’m much happier when there is hope and I have a job opportunity before me. Even if I haven’t gotten it yet. 

I’m noticing that I am naturally negative and sort of down on myself and what I can accomplish sometimes. And I need someone sometimes to remind me like, you can do this. 

 

So I’ve been applying for some jobs and, tomorrow hopefully I have to call someone and try to schedule an interview with them. 

I really want them to hire me but if it’s not meant to be it’s not meant to be and, well there is something else I am meant to be doing with my time. Which is alright. 

 

I dunno I’ve just been getting on with life as best I can. I had a minor down swing earlier in the week for one day and then I bounced back from it. 

it was kind of just this weird blip of depression that came back momentarily. ajd pretty strong. It wasn’t fun but. I’m not sure what happened that day like, if something triggered that or if I just got myself into that place mentally somehow or. Um... if it was sleep or dietary or..... if it was circumstantial like. I really don’t know what happened there lol. 

but it got out of control very quickly to the point I’m thinking like did I not take my meds? 

lol and then the next day I was fine. Thank god necuazs it was insufferable. 

Not sure what happened but just taking a note of that random sharp dip like, def a depressive flare up going on there. 

ive been fine since then mood wise and very stable so. I’m glad for that but. 

I’m considering talking with a professional about bipolar three since it was suggested to me I might have it. I’ve read it can worsen if not addressed. 

I don’t really know if I have it or not but... it would make sense I think? 

like... I’m very impulsive for example. That’s something I’ve been mentally noting and like becoming more self aware of in attempt to control it. 

 

Anyway I feel stable which is good but uh, I just don’t really ever know how long that will last unfortunately. I think DBT and CBT techniques will be helpful in this scenario but uh... 

 

it’s process of becoming aware of what exactly you need to work on in the first place. 

you get so used to your own insanity you have nothing to contrast it with so you genuinely think that the way your mind is thinking is, normal? 

when in reality it’s, not normal or a healthy sign to be thinking a million miles a minute to the point you’re overwhelmed or to be constantly putting yourself down to the point you’re debilitated by it.  

And is impinging on your happiness even, causing a large deal of who you are- to get lost in that disorder that just sucks you dry and consumes you. 

I’m glad I’m well for now but, it’s worrying like. Not knowing when the next time I won’t be, quite myself. 

But yeah, I have found positive things for me that I enjoy so I guess I should try and continue down that sort of path of... things that will create a positive feedback cycle in my life. 

 

 

 

Posts: 1319
0 votes RE: August journal content 2020

did u get hired by tumblr for your impressive blogposting experience?

Posts: 9304
0 votes RE: August journal content 2020

hi editor blanc here, who let me have a phone and type things. the amount of typos I make is insufferable. that is all. 

Posts: 9304
0 votes RE: August journal content 2020

Also i just learned there is a diff between bipolar 3 and cyclothymia theyre not terms that can be used interchangeably. Lol what i meant to say when i referred to someone suggesting i had bipolar 3 i meant to say cyclothymia. Not bipolar 3. My bad.

Posts: 32763
0 votes RE: August journal content 2020
Blanc said: 

hi editor blanc here, who let me have a phone and type things. the amount of typos I make is insufferable. that is all. 

I'd like to hire 'Editor Blanc' Pro Bono. 

Ę̵̚x̸͎̾i̴͚̽s̵̻͐t̷͐ͅe̷̯͠n̴̤̚t̵̻̅i̵͉̿a̴̮͊l̵͍̂ ̴̹̕D̵̤̀e̸͓͂t̵̢͂e̴͕̓c̸̗̄t̴̗̿ï̶̪v̷̲̍é̵͔
Posts: 1319
1 votes RE: August journal content 2020
Blanc said: 

hi editor blanc here, who let me have a phone and type things. the amount of typos I make is insufferable. that is all. 

I'd like to hire 'Editor Blanc' Pro Bono. 

 i have a position for her at my content creation startup if shes willing to work under the table wink

Posts: 9304
0 votes RE: August journal content 2020
Blanc said: 

necuazs

 that's not even a word. 

Posts: 9304
0 votes RE: August journal content 2020

Another instance of my memory is problems came up. A conversation, a moment I don’t recall in my life what so ever but- someone else does. 

my mom asked me if I watched 0dark30 a movie that apparently we saw the trailer for while looking for action movies. 

I don’t remember doing this with her or what movie we watched or any of it. Lol

 

and so I kind of pried trying to get her to jog my memory of that moment in time where I saw the movie trailer but 

 

none of it came back to me and she seemed to be unwilling to assist me with the topic. She got closed off and stopped making eye contact with me. it was almost like she didn’t care I was clearly making an effort to remember but she was over it 

 

as if I had done this many times before and she just was bored with the conversation and wanted to let it pass 

 

But I tried to get her to sort of engage with me a bit more and I was like... why do I forget everything. I asked her directly. No response, no eye contact. 

wnd then I said, “you have noticed it right i mean, the fact I forget a lot?” 

and she said, “well yeah” 

 

and I said, “why is that do you think?” 

and she seemed uncomfortable and had no response. She coiled inward and sunk down behind her phone and I lost engagement. She seemed uninterested completely in the conversation. 

 

And I said, “why is my memory so bad.” I asked her directly. 

still nothing. She just kind of shrugged. 

I felt so awkward in that moment I got up and went to get coffee because no one said anything. It’s frustrating for me. That they won’t help me with recall when I ask about the blanks in my head. 

we don’t even discuss it we don’t look into things we don’t talk about it. And that goes for everything. 

To the point that it’s uncomfortable to even bring up, it’s as if it’s a confrontation to open up about something real in the family. 

 

I think I ask everyday, “why am I such a ding bat?” Or “why can’t I remember anything?” So that might be why they’re tired of the question. Ironically I’m not certain like I can’t remember how many times I’ve asked it but 

 

I have a vague feeling that maybe I say it a lot. But I never get any answers. 


I get flashes of memory a lot of like my past? I’m sure that’s normal to a certain extent but it’s always things I didn’t know were there because they’re so mentally buried. 

There’s not an emotion associated with them because I’m so detached from it it feels like what I’m seeing in these flashes of memory are like happening to someone else and I am cold and unfeeling to it? There is no feeling in them like 

 

it’s just pictures. That feel nothing. Just playing like a reel in my head silently. 

At the beginning of the pandemic I started getting ones about like my early childhood a bit, things have been so jogged that like 

 

I have a better sense of what’s there now 

 

I used to just draw a total blank when trying to think of myself or my life and what it was like and what I was like 

 

but yeah a lot of it has come back and it’s taken time for that integrate much of it hasn’t really fully integrated so like 

 

I know it’s there now wheee as before it was in the dark but 

 

Over time who that person was and who I am now have been able to connect and conglomerate 

 

but it’s only pieces really I’m still pretty detached from my past just less so than maybe how I was three or four years ago in comparison 

 

But yeah so little flashes occur now if like when I was older too where as before it was just strictly like young childhood 

 

-

 

And that’s when I had two painful dreams occur. One a memory of neglect and another a memory of sexual abuse as a child by a man and a woman- and I saw the mans face. I was dissapointed that I didn’t recognize or know it. 

And it made me feel hopeless as to figuring everything out I guess, and it was so emotionally painful to experience these dreams both during them and when waking up that it made me want to stop searching so deeply through things 

 

I bravely took the time though to watch through my dusty childhood videos I took of myself. Which to this day I have no idea why I started doing. 

I wanted to look through them because they are filming the section of my life that is the worst in regard to my memory and attachment to ones self. Trying to recall things and bring it back or just see like what the fuck I was doing and who I was 

 

and I stopped watching the videos because once again it was painful to watch. Not only did I not really like who I was but I also felt a lot of pain and sadness about that time in my life and it was too much like 

 

I caught myself dissociating on camera twice 

 

and that’s when I stopped watching because it was just sad.

 

i thought it would be funny and cute like ah childhood memories :) but instead it was more heart wrenching than anything To watch like 

 

idk lol that’s just the truth of what I felt and I don’t know why now I felt that but whatever it brought up was just emotionally weighty 

 

to the point I didn’t want to carry it or wished I could forget it 

 

and eventually I did. 

I stopped journaling after this because I guess I wanted to forget

last edit on 8/8/2020 3:51:04 PM
Posts: 9304
0 votes RE: August journal content 2020

Had another food problem today. I can’t eat left overs. Lol I just can’t, do it. 

For those of you who don’t know I have a super fun eating disorder thats, known as eating disorder not otherwise specified. But it’s a lot like OCD because it’s rooted in germs and cleanliness, and Illness. 

It used to be really bad when I was a kid, I had a sheer inability to trust any and all food and or people serving / making the food. Even the factories, or things grown on a farm. It didn’t make a difference what it was or where it came from, the answer was always no. I’m not eating it. 

It was based in an extremely irrational OCD issue, that was a result of trauma. I became so ill I was hospitalized with botulism as a young child. And my child-like brain couldn’t really cope with that trauma properly so it responded to it with disordered eating and irrational, fear. 

Haha. I’m laughing but I’m actually crying. 

So yeah it’s been a hard struggle for me um, I’m lucky that I was able to recover as I am now honestly and didn’t have to have a feeding tube and that sort of deal. Instead I just experienced heart failure and nearly died because of how thin I got. 

And that fear of dying sort of kicked my ass into eating *some* foods but it was only *safe food* I trusted. And it would be that same, thing, I ate over and over and over and OVER again. 

Lol. My trip to Europe and Mexico was actually a huge test of like, experimenting outside my comfort zone entirely. I really feared the worst happening from eating there but the friend I was with somehow made me feel safer with eating certain things there and. Even made me (literally basically forced me) to try new things for once. Even though I didn’t like them, at least I did do that. 

Every meal I ate there was really like, an exercise. For my OCD. A test of faith. Do I trust this place? Is it high grade? What are the reviews? Okay it’s not patchy cold anywhere... it looks well prepared... the table is really clean... 

 

but if a place seemed dirty and disheveled I had a harder time. It really was a question of, how hungry do you have to be to be willing to compromise with your OCD and eat something that isn’t a Safe food, from a place that isn’t a safe place. 

The tourism helped because I could see other people eating it. It made me feel safer too.

 

but yeah so that really did help me somewhat. But I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you the whole truth is I was still very repititive im the type of food I would order, over and over and over again. 

Nothing else seemed “right” 

 

And when I ate at home in Mexico, it was the same three meals literally every single day. I never questioned it like oh maybe I should eat something else for once. 

It was like, an autopilot comfort zone thing. Idk. 

 

Out of habit I’m still like that a little though it’s improved as I’ve become more rational with it. 

I still struggle though with things randomly so, one area is that I can’t eat left overs. 

if the food is not bought that day, it’s not fresh to me and I can’t eat it. 

yeah. So that’s, pretty bad still. I seem like one of those people who grocery shop every week because I’m just like that but the truth is, I’m just a tad bit nuts 

 

It’s just frustrating so like. I didn’t realize it but... it causes me a great deal of distress. Every meal I eat still. And every thing I prepare. Everything I have to wash. The dishes. The silverware. It’s, a feeling that’s hard to explain but it doesn’t feel good it’s, aggravation and almost anger? It’s very negative and stressful when having to cook for me. 

Because imagine having something screaming at you, like you *MUST* wash that spatula thoroughly under burning hot water and then wipe it absolutely clean. Even though it was *already CLEAN* and you know this.

 

Wash it again. Wash it again. Look at it. Wash it again. Wash it again. Again. Again. Again. 

it’s like oh my god *puts dish down* screw this I’m getting Chinese take out. 

lol

 

I know that makes no sense but, for me, it’s less stressful. 

So yeah it’s a lot of stress pent up over the food and such. And then, when I can’t do it- when I can’t eat it no matter how badly I’m trying to tell myself like 

 

“you just bought this.” “You just made this.” “It’s new. It’s fresh stop it.” “Just eat it you’ll be fine.” Etc. 

I can’t do it. I just can’t it feels like trying to drive through a brick wall- trying to eat food that I cannot eat like. 

literally putting your foot on the gas and drive straight into a brick wall loaded with tnt. And someone’s in the passengers seat screaming at you JUST DO IT JUST DO IT JUST DOOO IT GOOOOOOOOOO GOOO YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!! PUT YOUR FOOT ON THE GAS

 

and yeah it’s internally a lot 

 

and I just started crying a bit which. I was surprised by, I didn’t know I felt any emotion about this subject but I do cry about it when I talk about it or after I can’t eat a meal I wanted to and I’m throwing it away. It’s like a failure to me, and a feeling of hopelessness in a way of like being subject to this, strange demon inside. OCD. Right. That trottires me and stresses me out for years and years and has fucked up my life and nearly killed me 

 

it’s just, it’s hard aight. It’s not easy being like this. Lol 

 

so yeah. Today I made spheghetti but I got triggered by seeing a date on it that wasn’t even expedires but just seeing the numbers like, brings back that issue for me. Because I used to be obsessed with those numbers really badly 

 

And then I got that pressure feeling where my foots on the gas ya know and it’s like do I drive into the wall? No. I can’t do it. I can’t. 

 I call my dad trying to get him to convince me it’s okay. It doesn’t work so I call my mom. It doesn’t work. I cave and order take out and then try not cry but, feel like I might. 

I walk out of the room without throwing away the food because if I stay there any longer talking to my dad i knew I would cry 

 

I knew he was going to harass me about not being able to eat the food as he always does. 

then he folllws me to the other part of the house where I went to chill out alone and he starts harassing me about the foood 

 

which doesn’t help by the way. The only thing that’s ever worked was gentle reassurance. 

I had to tell him the cold hard truth so that he would leave me alone. “I have a disorder it’s a disorder. I can’t eat the food I’m sorry. I just can’t. You know this.” 

and once again, holding tears back. He starts trying to level with me like, “if I call the restaraunt-“ 

 

and I’m like no- that doesn’t work. Nothing does. It’s very irrational and doesn’t make sense but it’s the dates for me. Once I saw that dates I couldn’t do it.” 

and he was like aight I’ll eat it then. Lol 

 

Which I always do... that. Like I give people my food often you will see me doing that if you see me IRL and it’s because I was having a moment with my food and could no longer eat it. 

there are other triggers than just dates and leftovers by the way but that is probably the biggest issue. Because the constant demand for fresh food is obviously unrealistic. 

10 / 62 posts
This site contains NSFW material. To view and use this site, you must be 18+ years of age.