Sociopath Community

I had a dream about something that happened to me when I was ages 1-5 somewhere in there... that chunk of time. 

And it was something being revealed to me and I was like ohhhh that’s what it was... that happened.... it alll makes sense now. It was complicated and not what I was expecting 

But yeah... as soon as I woke up I couldn’t remember it anymore. 

All I vaguely remember of the rest of that dream was, bits and pieces scattered around like. I remember seeing 90’s footage for some reason, someone was showing 90’s footage to me or something, and there was lots of clips of shoes being filmed but, some full body shots of people, and it was filmed in a school. 

There was more going on but I just can’t remember. 

-

I woke up thinking about ptsd. Yesterday i was super angry and i was thinking about that. But today iw as thinking about the problems that can arise from c-ptsd. 

And something sugar said to me last night which was that i talk about my situation to feel in control of it or something. 

Honestly, if i went to a therapist, how would i know where to start. And the problem is, people like, aren’t aware of where there problems come from or what their issues even are sometimes, as far as what needs to be worked on as a priority. 

People just usually come in like, well i wanna die and I’m depressed all the time i know that much. 

But there is so much more going on underneath. That causes that. And there is deep rooted stuff and, behaviors that result from that which, have to be managed. 

I still don’t know why I’m so anxious all the time... and i get kind of dizzy or nauseated by my own anxiety, or feel dissociated from it. Like in conversations with people and stuff. 

And i can see why it makes me appear spacey but that’s just how these problems look on me. It’s not always presented in the typical fashion- and when you’re sort of needing mental help and like, losing ur mind a bit- you expect it to be very outward, the evidence of, problems. But 

it can be more subtle than that, like the fact i lay in bed too much. What’s that about, you know. 

Why do i feel depressed today, why do I struggle to just do basic things sometimes- but other times not so much. 

Which is why i don’t want to admit it like there is a problem because- i don’t want people to think I’m stupid, essentially. 

Like i know, i know. The things u do to get better- or whatever. But it goes even deeper than that and shit has to be sorted out under the surface before the behaviors on the outside will line up with that... yes it’s hand in hand but like, 

i don’t want people to think i don’t know these things. That they tell me to do in order to help myself and, i don’t want people to think i don’t know the thoughts they have about it looking at me as an onlooker- because trust me, i have all these same thoughts about myself that you do and probably more, as well. 

It’s as if the ego is viewing myself you know. And it doesn’t want to be associated with the dumbness of my actions and for my judgement and who i am to be like, screwed by that.... so that people think I’m, stupid. 

It’s... more complicated than just, knowing what to do on the surface with your problems and, people don’t understand why i say the things i say, or do the things i do- but they like to think they do and assume that.... 

but I’m aware how all of it looks you know but, it’s just... it’s hard like.... to find anyone who’s on the same page as you are and can see things from your perspective

this is something i struggle with, with every human being i talk to, except very very few, who do, get where I’m coming from. 

Anyway, i would like to improve self awareness and shit so i can appear more normal because... i feel like the way i am isn’t normal. And idk, there’s shame surrounding that almost or like, embarrassment. 

And as far as why i write here, it’s changed over the years, as- has my perspective changed too over the years. 

Just please understand, I’m not a fucking idiot. For doing what i do. It’s not for, attention, or to play the victim. You just simply don’t, understand- me, and that’s okay, but. 

People have so much to say but, don’t like, have a conversation with me with the approach of being understanding or wanting to understand, or get to know me genuinely they just want to talk *at* me and then when it’s my chance to respond, I’m attacked for the response or criticized for it before I can even finish with where I was going and, the direction we were headed, like where i was going with the discussion goes completely over their head. And, it’s hard to explain to people stuff that they just don’t really know about because they’re not educated in these areas. Not saying they’re stupid they just haven’t, broadened their horizon to these sort of places as much as they maybe think they have. 

I understand why, some people in my life have chosen to be so quiet. It does feel like there is almost no point in saying anything to anyone sometimes. And i feel rather anti-social and depressed at that sentiment, but it’s a two sided coin because i also understand the purpose in, not doing that. And why it’s, important to not do that. 

And there is a reason i share what i share and do what i do. And i think it’s sort of on the track of what sugar was saying to feel control, but I would put it more like, to feel empowered, or to feel you have power over the things that have happened to you. 

And there is power in sharing things with others, there is a sense of bravery in it, and if you connect with someone about it like, you’ve succeeded. If you grow from writing about it, if you realize new things or achieve new perspectives on yourself or whatever- you’ve succeeded. If it led you down a new path of thought or a creative ally way, or to discover or meet something or someone new, you’ve succeeded. If it opened up your life, if it opened you up, if you felt healing from it, if you felt lighter from it, if you felt- anything, from it. You’ve succeeded. 

All of this is, about, achieving something, for me and, what that is is, hard to explain to people but it’s about, growing, it’s about enlightenement though i don’t like to use the term- and introspection. It’s about so much more it’s about, feeling like you’re a part of something larger that is more powerful than things done to you, it’s about feeling free, from the things done to you and the internal battles you struggle with as a result of your circumstances and your past. 

Growth.

I could talk about this subject in depth for hours with someone and all the things they have to say to me, the reply to it, in person that i have to say- is much more lengthy than what is normal response time for an in person discussion on discord or a text on SC. 

So the things we get into you know, it’s about something that, some people might understand and others, they don’t. And that’s okay, we don’t all have to be in the same place mentally at all- and that would be boring if we were. It’s all about the journey you’re on, and you’re perfectly fine where you’re at. 

No one is above or below each other, we’re just all in different places mentally and, that’s totally ok. 

I’ve accepted that and, I’ve accepted why my short comings have people seeing me in such a way. Just as much as they haven’t understood me, I haven’t understood them. Though now I make more of an effort to by accepting where people are at and being okay with that, like. I take responsibility for myself now, and that’s, all I need is to hold myself accountable. And if someone wants to say things to me about me like, thats, up to me how I handle that. I can’t control what they say, or do, or think, I can only control, my actions in response to it... and the results of those actions, is something I have to take responsibility for. I get it. Ya know. 

I just, would greatly appreciate and find relief in, (and I’m venting now, not demanding anything. This just leaving my personal thoughts in a journal, for a larger purpose). I.... do genuinely think I would find great relief in someone just, understanding. I’m not entitled to that I’m just saying it’s something I’ve struggled with on my journey in my path in life and that’s, partly my issue, ya know. 

But at the same time ime, I have to let that go and understand how much of that matters. Honestly like, it shouldn’t be as important as, other things which should take priority over that. It’s a maturity thing to be able to say, “I wish people could understand but I accept that they don’t, and I’m not going to let my actions be affected by that.” 

Because there are more important things, that are pertinent to your growth and internal well being, than uh... people not getting u. Even if it is sad or frustrating sometimes. 

Like, honestly, dunno what to do about it. (And I’m talking abotu people in my home or like IRL life not just people) 

I am sad, about that sort of subject and, it is triggering for my depression because its so easy to just go limp and apathetic abut all of it and isolate and engage in behaviors that ultimately are a hindrance or a harm to you 

and its easy to be pissed off all the time and have a bad attitude, and to be a rude mean person, seething with rage

but you have to live with that choice you make for yourself and your life so, realistically like, you have to let it go 

this is me choosing not to give into my, traps I fall into like, ah yeah this triggers my depression and since I’m having these thoughts I’m just going to deal with them with xyz things, that aren’t good. 

But that’s... obviously stupid. It’s just so easy to give up, and that’s something i struggle with repeadetly that i have to work on, and that’s part of why i journal 

I’m. Becoming more aware of why i get depressed why i get angry etc, and noticing it as it’s happening and, how to prevent it or how to deal with it, and growing into perspectives that allow me to heal form that and overcome these negative patterns for me so i can feel liberated in that way and lighter and well, and happy. To be me. Etc. 

journaling can be a therapeutic tool alongside the proper guidance 

And sugar is right it is a way of taking back control and it is a way of fighting back. Ironically i remember now many years ago i said into one of my older journals on old sc which got deleted, i said something like, “i dunno why i do what i do i think it’s just some way for me to feel a sense of control” 

and I thought that sounded cliche so i just never really focused more on it, like no, it has to be more than that but no- it is more than that and at the same time, it is also, partially just that. 

To explain it simply to someone yeah, in a sense, it is very much that. But it’s also more complicated for the person experiencing it and, it does go beyond that for me. Internally, experiences wise and motivations wise, what my thoughts are on everything I’m doing and why etc. it does also have to do with, connection, not just empowerment. 

- 

and about the “not being on the same page as others” topic, i wanted to explain that a little better because i feel like it’s not making sense but, maybe if use a diagram type of example painting a picture in your head that will help a little better. 

So basically- my experience when, talking with people is often, this. 

I feel, like, i am sitting at a completely different table, than they are. Having a completely different discussion, with completely different people- having completely different processes, about a completely different topic and, together all these opinions and perspectives are bouncing off of each other, to create, something. Forward. Progressive. Meaningful. All this value is brought to it, and we collectively understand, what these values are- innately. The why, is understood at an intrinsic level. And the thing we are working together to create, from so many different angles, externally and internally, is, like- building a space ship. Or just, doing something really complicated, really- really, complex. Like, understanding and learning to control van der waals forces. Or something like that. But we all just, get it. 

And then, at the other table, where the people are that I’m actually talking to, these people are playing a card game. Like, the game of war, or, uno. Slapping cards down and just, one upping each other all day long. Monotonously, without a real purpose in what they’re doing... there is no, progress there it’s just, passing time. Exerting energy for the sake of exerting energy. And, while there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s enjoyable, yes i undertand the reasons people want to do that and enjoy that. But it makes, dong what i was doing at the other table, impossible. You can’t, understand van der waals forces- or build a ship, with people who are slapping down uno cards, and that is all they will do.

we are talking about a largely complex issue in psychology perhaps, and rather than attempting to understand it and taking a very educated approach to the issue- it is just, slapping down cards. Basic, cards. And these cards only have, four colors. Red, green, yellow, blue. And it’s the same, things, over and over again. Recycling. Red green yellow blue.... and it just gets, so monotonous and, predictable and, you’ve seen it all before. It’s easy to Slap down this card that’s something, everyone’s seen before. It’s common, thought, it’s common, knowledge it’s nothing new. 

So like for example, I’m like “i wonder why a person has depression.” This is a vague and expansive topic, it’s complex. And someone just slaps a card down like, “you want attention.” And the next card comes down, “you just need to get a life.” And the next card, and the next card, and some are less ignorant than others but it’s all- cliche, standard, basic, responses which I’ve seen, recycled, over and over and over again and it gets absolutely no where. 

Because I’m trying to build a fucking space ship and get to the moon, with people who are only capable of playing uno and don’t even know I’m not playing uno they don’t even know space exists or the rocket or any of it. They just, do not, understand, where I’m at, mentally. 

And very few people, sit at the “other” table. Most are at the uno table. 

And i don’t mean this to sound condescending or black and white or like, i am better and u are trivial and purposeless. That is so far from what i believe about humanity. I’m just referring to the *type of discussion* I’m having, not all people realize, that’s what I’m doing. And they’re very capable I’m sure but I don’t know how to get them over to that other table because I myself am terrible at communicating in that way, and explaining things, and at uh, reaching people. 

Like when you’re that person that gets all the answers right on the math test but can’t explain why or how you got them- and when you can’t teach others, how to do what you do. And you may not even know, why, or how, you do it yourself. You just, do. 

It’s like that. And like how can i explain to people how to do that. You know? I don’t know. 

Some people that is the area they are gifted in. They are gifted in reaching people, and getting them to understand, and they are amazing at explaining things to people- in just the right way. And communicating. But that is not my forte it is far far from my forte. There are different areas of intelligence and capability and, this just happens to be an area that some people are gifted in and others aren’t haha. It doesn’t mean we’re incapable of doing that and have to resign to being incapable, it just means, it’s something i personally have to work to understand while others dont have to do the work to be naturally good at that. 

And so, i dont know how, to get people, to the same table, that i am sitting at... lol and i dont know how to communicate that i really dont like playing uno.

And switching topics here. 

Lastly. I wanted to say, i had an after thought like- 

just because iw rit ein a journal about stuff, this is the topic for this stuff, and it has a purpose, it’s not just whining and complaining LOL AND, just because i do this. 

Like just because i journal- about shit. It doesn’t mean that i am an, an egocentric or narcissistic or histrionic person, it means i am struggling with things and I am trying to improve them. It’s called, taking inventory. It’s called DBT or CBT. It’s called mindfulness. It’s about soliciting change through awareness. 

And, it doesn’t mean, that this is all I’m about, as a person. Like, people are obviously multi-faceted, and there is more to the whole human being i am, than just, what i write about in this journal lol. 

And to insinuate you know me, or you know all of me, or understand all of me, and all of my situation, etc- because you read some parts of my journal, is a false, assumption that is, an innacurate claim. 

It’s okay to have your opinions, 100% i open myself up to that by doing this but- also, 

like, there is more to the story sometimes or more than meets the eye as far as what is gong on with a person and why they do the things they do. So like, for example my struggle with identity. 

I didn’t understand it for years where that was coming from I just knew i felt all over the place. And its something very confusing to go through but, i later learned, through introspection and reflection that- the reason I struggled with that is because, i have a habit of doing these things, in order to meet my own needs, in my home environment and in my life. 

Most bad like, patterns come from basic, human needs and survival at its core. So, dissociation for example is, about protection. It’s a neurological, complex, problem that results from a pattern of doing it over and over in childhood. Then you’re presented with something that triggers that for some reason, whether its internally or externally, and your brain does what it does, with that. Dissociates. 

And just as autonomously as i dissociate, i also autonomously, struggle with identity. And had to become aware of it over many many years, and come to understand it and then sort out a lot of shit surrounding that and unearthing a lot of shit in order to like, fully, get a grip on that one issue. 

And People say ah yeah thats bpd, but it’s not, i’ts actually ptsd. And there is a clinical difference, between these things which is more easily distinguished by a professional who has taken a lot of time to understand these differences and identifying them in me, their patient. I’ve been diagnosed with c-ptsd. It can be mistaken for bpd even by professionals, so it’s understandable why to the average civilian, they first resort to that disorder rather than my actual diagnosis. But there are discrepencies, and it’s in the qualities that are requirements for the diagnostic criteria, that i lack. 

I feel depressed today 👍 

Lets turn that frown upside down. 

Turncoat said: 

Lets turn that frown upside down. 

 ):

Didn't work for me

user22212 said: 

Turncoat said: 

Lets turn that frown upside down. 

 ):

Didn't work for me

Of course it didn't, you flipped it horizontally. 

:( still nothing