Sociopath Community

I am a lil espresso depresso today

Blanc said: 

I think the secrets to my memory problems are in other people. They have better memory of my life than I do I am finding out. Unintentionally. 

But I realized if I really want to know what’s going on there I need to ask other people. 

To take a page out of Memento, if you ask the wrong people you'll end up gaslit up, and with memory problems how will you know if you're asking the right people? 

It occurred to me something just now, 

my therapist told me to write down sticky notes of things I couldn’t remember and put them everywhere. 

I got overwhelmed by the notes though and it caused me to have a mental breakdown and end up re-hospitalized.

ironically i forgot about this, but for Whatever reason that memory just popped in my head. 

I also wrote notes when I was in the psych ward at that time, I can’t remember if it was my first or second visit that i did this- but I had a composition notebook, and i wrote down notes on what i did by the hour, because i couldn’t remember what my thoughts and things i had done. 

And I also left sticky notes for myself all over a lot of stuff I owned- especially in my “Mental health” binder I kept. All my documents and information in one place. And on each document, there was a sticky note on it telling me what it was, dates, times, doctors names, etc. 

I guess I was having trouble like, retaining info at the time, I dunno. But there were notebooks I found for example that said, “Xyz person gave this to you.” And then the date. In big black sharpie. 

and I’m just like ??? Why did i write that down. Lol 

I had notes about people, who they are and what they meant to me. And facts about myself even, things that I liked.  I had, meds written down and when I took them and, the dates I was prescribed them and who by- and where. 

Part of this issue was worsened by the fact I think I was taking benzos around this time it was causing memory black outs. 

Apparently around this time I also filmed myself, and then showed my parents the video. And my mom mentioned something about it to me and I was like, what?? 

The reason I think it’s dissociation more than memory though is because there was a time where I sat down at my computer, I was typing a journal entry. And I just spaced out for hours staring at the window. I started at 3pm or something and it’s like, I woke up, and all the sudden, it was 9pm. And I thought I had typed walls of text, but I look at the computer in front of me and there’s nothing on the page. I thought maybe i had fallen asleep? But my mom then comes in the room and says, “ready to go?” And I said what? And it eventually divulged I had a full conversation with her in the time period I was blacked out- and I agreed to go to the movies with her. Which is uncharacteristic of me, I didnt’ want to go to the movies. I felt very tired after this “waking up” and immediately had to go to sleep. Passed out in my bed. 

So yeah, I think I just, I dunno. When I get stressed or triggered it’s possible for this to happen I guess- and sometimes I remember it better than other times? Idk. Lol 

my most major trigger for black outs appears to be sex. Because, the four people obviously, and also, the uh. The time i blacked out staring out the window for several hours, i was about to write down a memory like, a journal entry abotu the time i was raped by my ex boyfriend Leo. And before i could even start out, i like, consciously just blacked out. 

I also have other things blacked out though, one memory that i know of for certain i was in elementary school and i got deathly ill. Apparently i went to the hospital for several days in the ICU, but I have zero memory of the entire thing. My mom knows of it is how i found out it even happened. And the other thing that i know i blacked out during was my dad was beating the ever living shit out of me once. And I thought to myself, “there has to be a way I dont have to feel this pain” I was like pinned I couldnt’ escape the situation so. And then I just mentally checked the fuck out, didn’t feel any pain or bodily sensation, no awareness of the outside. And i went into a room in my mind. A dark room. Which, I’ve drawn. For records sake. Lol 

it’s basically just a plain room with wooden floors and complete darkness to the point i can’t see the walls but it’s a pretty small room. And just, a candle in the center on the floor and i sat in front of it. 

Once the door shut I couldn’t get back out. 

Anyways, very weird. 

I really don’t know what’s going on with that, or uh... if I’ll ever really get to the bottom of it like. Fully understanding it. But. 

These are just, experiences I’ve had. That’s all i know. 

Going for a swim 

Oh yeah i forgot i also didn’t mention i blacked out at work once 

so that’s another black out but yeah it wasn’t that long 

i was just standing at the cash register and then lol its like i looked to the side out the door, and then its just black like i blinked and then 

i sort of blink a bit more sort of coming to, and i feel like I’ve been staring into outer space and I’m just coming out of it 

and people are trying to wake me up and snap me out of it and get me to pay attention and someone else is rummaging through the cash register trying to help the customers in front of me 

the line is much longer now though when I blacked out there was just one person in front of me 

and when i came to they were still talking to this same person so 

it wasn’t too long that i was out for but i just like, i dunno 

I remember looking at her face and getting lost in her features while she was talking and i was like “fuck why aren’t you able to pay attention, you’re missing the order” 

and i said, “sorry can you repeat that for me” and i was like not hearing anything she said it was just background noise i was lost 

and then yeah i looked to the open doors the sun was pouring through and blacked out 

i tend to look out of windows or doors when I’m like spacing out and like leaving the moment completely 

because that’s also happened in a psychiatrists office i just remembered yeah 

he was asking me a rapid fire succession of questions and i was like “damn why is he asking these so fast” and i think looking back on it, maybe it was to pressure me or like jar my brain a bit and get me all like confused and dissociated 

the stress, is a trigger, right? 

So then he was purposefully pushing all the wrong buttons to with these questions they were painful but it’s like he didn’t care or wasn’t aware. And he finally got to a question about Leo the ex who abused me 

i think he said something like, “and what’d he do?” Or something like that... and then I just looked out the window and in the background now he’s saying things to me like, i can barely hear but.... i think i faintly hear him say, “what happened?” Or something like that idk 

and he was trying to get my attention back really hard but i just couldn’t snap with it and everything was going fuzzy and then i dunno like if i was out, or if i blacked out or what but then 

all the sudden I snapped with it again when he leaned forward and like had his hands in front of my face and was saying my name like telling me to come back 

and then i just like blinked kind of confused like i just woke up and then i looked at him and said, “sorry- I-“ 

And Then he directed to conversation else where. He didn’t let me finish my sentences he was moving so fast. 

Ironically i was going to write something else down here about something i remembered that i forgot, 

it was an instance of me forgetting something really blatant 

oh yeah now i remember 

it was, this couple came to the door and i answered kind of confused, i didn’t know anyone was coming over that day. And then I say, hi nice to meet you I’m Mary 

and theyre like Mary we’ve already met you before 

and then my mom came up behind them and explained who they were and i was like playing it off like “ohhh haha yeah.. i was just, asleep. Hahaha.....” 

but i actually had no memory of meeting them, they were my sisters husbands parents and according to my mom we had definitely met before. 

But to me they looked like completely new faces so, that was embarrassing 

Less depressed today 

eating healthy lots of sleep and some exercise helped 

Nvm depression got bad again 

Words from a recovery meeting: 

“You push and believe in yourself and keep moving down a path you feel is right. is this faith or conditioning?”

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