Sociopath Community

Still depressed

Yesterday i was crying and i almost... faintly heard a voice in my head that said “stop crying you stupid little bitch” or something like that. Persecutor? 

I dunno, was very weird. I can’t really tell how real it was or if it was just me imagining it. But I did stop crying. 

I can’t remember for the life of me what it was about now. 

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i don’t know why this just popped into my head but, it occurred to me that my friend, Zach. He was my best, closest friend I’ve ever had. He asked me to watch the movie Memento, and i said “why” or something and he said, “it reminds me of you” 

Not sure which film he meant. 

They all have to do with suppressed traumatic memory or memory problems though. Hm. 

I feel like i dont see myself well 

I feel bad for my parents because they both seem miserably discontent. They argue constantly and act like everything sucks, like- but they dont realize they have so much to be grateful for. 

My dad is having a panic attack rn and I feel bad like. I know what they look like and I can tell hes full tilt rn. 

The pressure of his industry being completely destroyed because of covid is a bit much. He wants to start new opportunities and my mom and I shot it down because they aren’t the most lucrative options but, I feel bad for being too cold about it, because I realized how he got after we shot it down he was so motivated and happy and then he started panicking. This is his dream rn and its emotionally helping him cope with the ‘’hard times’’ like, psychologically 

so i came back and laid out the facts as to why i thought it was a good investment. He has self esteem issues and gets depressed so I just hope he feels better doing this. I realized it’s, he’s just trying to help himself and he’s putting himself under a lot of duress mentally so he just needs to do it. 

I get it, sometimes you just need a project. We’re only human. 

My mom wants to buy a property up North she found but he’s not into the move as much as she is. Which I get because he wants less stress rn, not more.

Basically the market is completely plummeting rn and some things are going to start foreclosing in the next 60 days to 6 months so, it’s causing us to be in this stalling period of not knowing what to do. 

And in business we’re playing by ear, and have no idea how the future will look. 

So it’s leaving us a bit stuck with only a tiny bit of wiggle room as far as opportunities go and its hard to tell in these uncertain times what makes sense to be doing. 

My parents aren’t used to being stuck and I think the notion of that is psychologically affecting them. 

They’re also physically isolated and not being able to go places, do things- whether it be in business or just leisure its driving them a little crazy. The uncertainty and everything on top of that just adds to the pressure. 

They’re having to adapt to a different way of life and its harder for them just the whole idea of it for some reason. My mom is frustrated she can’t travel, we were going to go to Hawaii in July but thats fucked. 

But I think my dads idea is sensible enough and it’ll give him something to feel good about. 

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My mom is bored and cleaning things a lot and buying baking mixes. It’s like we’ve reverted to the 50’s. We’re homeschooling the kids of the family. It’s just, simple times for the family unit and, I don’t mind it but- 

the only thing I mind is just not having privacy and quiet, but I just have to put up with that while finishing school. 

I think some time in nature could do us good, fishing in the creek and taking the boat out. Swimming. Gardening. It’s just simpler times. 

Like I noticed because I’m not in a rush to get anywhere anymore, I take my time with things now where I didn’t used to. Talk slower. Laugh more- we have to or we’d go insane. My sense of humor has really come out during these times. We talk more as a family. People hangout more online because we’re all bored so we see a lot more of each other. 

I haven’t bought anything unnecessary, wasting money. I actually sit there in my laundry room folding towels and displaying them nicely. 

I take longer when I shampoo my hair, really foaming it up. 

I sit outside in the mornings to watch the sunrise and hear the birds, feel the suns rays tanning my skin, and watch the bunnies birds an d squirrels feed under the tangelo trees. Smelling the gardenias by the pool. 

I walk my dog in the mornings cuz I have no where to be. I swim after that and, then I spend the evenings with my nephew and soon to be niece. 

My biggest projects are a coffee bar, and organizing a baby room for the niece. Lol 

and thats like “fun” to me because I’m so cooped up and bored with nothing to do. 

It’s just simple simple times. 

Blanc said: 

I feel like i dont see myself well 

You don't, but I figured that was a choice being taken on your part. 

I really wanna do blonde hair but, I literally would not look like the same person lol. I could put makeup or just dye the eyebrows more ashy light too. Idk, I just, I can't tell if I would look absolutely strange or if it would make sense. 

There's no reason for me to care about this because I'm going no where, it would be purely an artistic experiment for fun. I don't think I'd even go around like that because I wouldn't look like myself, it would just be so weird but... yeah I don't know if I could get used to it. 

(I would obviously just do wigs, I'm not going to actually dye my hair- it would be too high maintenance to dye it every week because of my very dark roots). 

Here is my board of inspirational images where I will collect, blonde looks that I like. So I can kind of decide like, which shade I like best. 

https://www.pinterest.com/maryelizagreg/april-favorites/platinum/ 

You look better with darker hair. With your skin tone brighter hair color'll bring out the face, which in your case will make your jaw stand out more if you stick with shorter hairstyles. 

Your skin tone is begging for darker tones, don't go blonde. They don't have more fun it's just commercial hype. 

I am sad :)

I think the secrets to my memory problems are in other people. They have better memory of my life than I do I am finding out. Unintentionally. 

But I realized if I really want to know what’s going on there I need to ask other people. 

I am confused about it but. 

Whatever my mind is suppressing from me it must be too difficult for me to see 

But I have four people now who recall us doing things that I have no recollection of, of a sexual nature. I’m talking zero memory. 

I don’t know why but I feel sick thinking about it I think it’s just kind of overwhelming... 

Sarah. I woke up one morning and my girlfriend at the time commented on the great sex we had the night before. I said are you serious? I thought she was joking at first. I said all I remember was falling asleep over on this spot in the bed and that’s it. And she was like no we hooked up. I was like ??? 

Taber. We were hanging out after I wanted to buy some benzos from his friend, and he said something about me being a good kisser. And I was like what?? We’ve made out before? Lol and he said that I snuck out one night to go to a party, and we ended up booking up. I don’t know the full extent of what he meant like, if we just kissed or if there was more I didn’t ask. It just felt like it would be awkward to. 

Tryp. He mentioned us hanging out and doing whatever and I had no recollection of anything. After I asked him to describe the details of everything it makes me feel like I have a memory of us hanging out but the reality is that’s just a picture I’ve painted in my head. I don’t know what actually happened that day, at all. And there are several instances of this. Where he remembers us hanging out or doing stuff that I literally wouldn’t of otherwise know that it happened. Including a hook up which was completely gone. 

Grady. He messaged me asking to hang out and said, “we don’t even have to hook up just hang out” and I said out of curiosity now knowing there’s been several people who have claimed to hook up with me who I have no memory of- I said, “have we hooked up before?” And he said nah we made out at a party once. And I said when was this?? And he said, “I dunno at a party?” 

I felt like everyone was lying but at this point it lkkks like I may actually have something dissociative going on there or memory issues.