Sociopath Community

Today was a weird one. 

I hate to even, admit that. I, lost control of myself. I really don’t know what came over me. 

But I didn’t realize what was happening, until after it happened. So it’s not like I could fully stop it. 

This has happened before, where I’ve lost control and, felt symptoms of dissociation and panic afterward. 

It’s very weird to me that panic isn’t spelled with a k. 

Anyway, yeah I, it’s, kind of embarrassing when this happens obviously. The more over displays of, losing it. 

I don’t mean in an, emotional sense, I mean like- a, PTSD, dislocation from reality. 

I was put under a stressful situation. Let’s just walk through this for records sake again- I know my shitty memory will forfeit all of this at some point. And I really need to talk about this with a professional honestly. It’s, not, good. 

My mom was stressing me out. My dad was yelling, and talking very fast. I don’t remember what about but I was trying to calm him down. For my nephew’s sake. My nephew was getting very distressed by this. 

And then my mom started yelling about something and I urged her to stop because it was making the situation worse, and then she funneled her upset attitude and distress into me, misunderstanding a lot things I was saying in a effort to make peace, as, fuel for fire and more, distress. 

It’s like the more I tried to make the situation better, the more upset and stressful everything was becoming, somehow- and it was all my fault. There is a sense of futility in it for me. Because no one understands. 

I think my mom could see my desperation and she randomly switches gears from not understanding me to suddenly understanding me and after I followed her around saying, “please understand, please listen. I was just trying to make things better” or something like that. 

And she hugged me randomly. I was very confused by this and I didn’t reciprocate the hug I Just stood there like uh what. Because my mom never hugs me, the only time she does is, when someone dies. Maybe. Or if she just hurt me badly, like something bad has happened to me in some way and there’s nothing that can be done about it but she feels bad so she does that. Like, hugs, are bad. Basically in my, mothers vocabulary of physical touch. It’s a sign something bad happened. 

After that I have no idea where my mind went. It was just a very chaotic situation for me and this triggers my PTSD usually. I just can’t handle a lot. And it sucks because, ya know i wasn’t always this way but. IT seems to just set me off when there’s too much going on sometimes. 

It has to be specific triggers, emotional buttons that are hit, on top of the building of stress, and chaotic environment that I guess is remiscent of my past in some way. That would cause me to dissociate. 

So I guess my mind sensed, okay something bad is going on here, time to check out. 

I don’t know, I wasn’t fully there after this point honestly. Looking back on it. 

I thought I was, at the time during it. I was unaware of being triggered or dissociated, but I was. 

A subtle mark of it was that I started eating chips that were in front of me like crazy. Despite not being hungry. I couldn’t remember when the last time I had eaten was. Sign number one I was dissociated and wasn’t realizing it. 

I don’t even eat those- as I adhere to a really healthy diet... I didn’t come in there with intention to eat and I”m not a “snacker” I dunno, it just wasn’t like me to do this. I don’t, normally do that sort of thing. 

And I remember thinking during it like, “why am I eating these?” But I couldn’t stop. 

I already was feeling a loss of control. It’s like, I was hyper-ly eating them too. As if it was some sort of stress mechanism. 

I didn’t want to be eating them but I couldn’t stop until they were all gone, I don’t know why. I genuinely couldn’t stop myself. 

And so I was out of control feeling, and then, I dunno. Everyone started arguing and it just got worse and worse, and the kid started screaming. And I just, something cold came over me that’s not like me at all and, sad some really horrible things. 

It’s just not like me. I can’t stress this enough. But this happens every now and then where this extremely cold side of me comes out and it’s, familiar to me in a way when I am this way, like it makes sense? But then I snap out of it and I”m like, what..... was that why was I doing that? Ya know. Like that’s not me. 

And I’ve had these moments several times, where it’s either like, this really cold- mean, bleak dark person, who says really, anti-social things that aren’t normal, for me to say. 

And then there’s a side that’s like, super positive and up beat and sociable that once again, isn’t like me at all lol. Super bubbly and excited and just talk talk talk talk talk like, oh my god. Very entertaining, people enjoy chatting with me when I’m like this but they don’t realize I’m like, having some sort of mental episode and shortly after I’m going to start dissociating my head will be between my knees and I’ll feel like vomiting and have lots of panic attacks and pass out. Something notable was this weird side had a fucking, southern accent. 

And there’s been an instance Where this has happened before and the dissociation didn’t really kick in until about 30 minutes after a very chaotic family event that was much more stressful and worse than what I’m describing happened tonight- and my brain just like couldn’t fucking handle it and i just went OFF like I switched into some weird sort of Spanish speaking person I’m not even shitting you. And yeah about thirty minutes after it just hit me like a ton of bricks i was outside cooling off talking to someone, and they were like “I’m very sorry this happened to you tonight this wasn’t okay-“ and i was like “yeah i know and- whenever they get like this.... ugh it’s just-.... so much to handle.... i- i don’t feel so good.” Lol “i have to sit down I think.” And i started acting very weird and looking around like confused and they were like, “are you ok? Do u- need some, thing?” And I was like, “what? Oh no- i uh... i just- think i need to sit down.” And i literally sat on the floor outside (i dont do this lol) and sat with my knees to my chest with my legs sort of crossed in like a very vulnerable weird position and i just stared straight forward for a while and i think they were talking to me this entire time and asking me if my stomach hurt and shit and i was just barely even hearing them it was like muddle nosie and i just stared forward like, i was not with it at all. And then i felt like i was going to be sick and so i got up and ran to the bathroom. After that i had a panic attack in there and once i managed dot calm down i felt very very tired, and i just passed out which, this is gross but I passed out with my head on the toilet seat 

and yeah that’s.. my life LOL. There’s been a few other instances like this uhm. And there’s more detail behind these events and why this dissociation happened but yeah, i was under a lot of mental like psychological stress. There’s been others like, one of them happened in class, at my university. So that was fun. 

 And unfortunately like, it’s really scary when it happens, i feel dislocated from reality in some various way experiencing dissociation in some sense, and ... tonight it was in a very weird sense which i cannot explain with words. This happened after i was the “cold mean” person. 

And it was like nothing mattered... its’ so weird and hard to explain but yeah... and then after that its like this very scary sensation comes over me and i cannot describe it to save my life but, 

it’s like the feeling i get that triggers a lot of panic attacks, um.... god it’s just, ther’es truly no words for it. 

And when it’s not happening anymore i can’t, like, remember, it clear enough to talk about it. And then when it is happening, i can’t, talk about it, because it makes it worse. 

But it’s almost on par with waking up and feeling like you’re not real and nothing in reality is real. It’s like, that innate sense of that, or the lingering taste of that- you know it inside yourself and you’re surrounded with the fear of that like, you can’t stop seeing it everywhere around your mental and around your space like, 

god it’s so hard to describe but, it’s just, a knowing, of a sense, that isn’t, a normal sense but, a sixth sense that is sort of, knowing... something. And whatever that something is, it’s, scary? Lol 

It’s so embarrassing to talk about this kind of stuff but I have to if I want to honestly figure out the truth of the matter like. 

Is this dissociation, is this a personality disorder or attachment disorder, is this just a behavioral problem and I don’t want to take responsibility for it? Am I just, a spoiled deluded Histrionic ass hole? Or was I genuinely losing control and like losing my mind a bit. 

I feel like I lost control, and it’s scary to, feel like you’re losing your mind at times. It’s like, why did I do that? When will I do it again? What was that? 

I hate, to be associated with these things. But like, this is reality, sometimes people have, problems and I want to absolve, the issue, no matter what ‘diagnosis’ it does or *doesn’t* fall under. 

I just want to address the issue. And maybe you know, maybe it’s rediculous to address this with a therapist when really it’s just me not knowing how to control myself. Who knows. 

Or maybe it’s something much deeper than that like, a dissociative response to stress. 

I, genuinely dont’ understand it. 

- 

Afterward, when I was a dissociated mess and half entering a panic attack but sort of trying not to, and like forcing myself not to think about anything anymore in order to calm down- 

after about like 30 minutes of freaking out I sort of like felt the long sleeves on my body and the shirt touching my neck and then I was like, “what the fuck am I wearing, jesus I can’t remember putting this on.” 

And I tried as a test to myself to recall what I put on- and I couldn’t. I genuinely couldn’t remember what I was wearing that day. 

And then I looked down and saw it and I was like, “Oh, this is my sweater but, I don’t remember putting it on-“ 

but then the memory came back about 15 minutes later of me going to my closet and putting it on quickly. I just like, forgot what I was wearing which was odd. 

I think that’s just a representation of the dissociation I was experiencing in that moment like, how scrambled you can get mentally that, you can’t recall what you’re wearing. Like, that’s a representation of how you can’t really think straight when it’s happening or remember things properly. 

Your thinking and memory during a dissociative like, “symptom” storm is happening is very affected. But once it starts to dissipate or wind down you can start to think a little better. 

I just had to get out of that scary state. 

 - 

I just feel bad about it because like, I do things that aren’t like myself sometimes and it’s scary to think like ya know, how badly will I lose control of myself again or, when. Ya know. Like, it makes me feel like I’m not suited for, much of life and things like, I can’t “handle” a lot. 

Even though I think I can like, weird shit like this happens and I dunno I just wanna stay a stable sense of self but it just keeps getting thrown all over the place like. 

I’m trying so hard to hold onto myself but I, hate to admit like, if I look at my history it’s obvious I struggle to at times or I lose touch. With myself, and reality. 

I’m so done with everything lmao 

today i took a really hard shit. It tore up my hole and caused deep wounds. I felt a rush of fear and pain go through me. I was shocked and dismayed. Why me? Why do I have to suffer this? And I realized its because i am brown and middle eastern. I am being abused and targeted by western companies and fast food chains who plot to destroy my kind with their bad artificial food. I feel targeted and traumatized, literally shaking right now.

You have hemorrhoids or something 

Blanc said: 

You have hemorrhoids or something 

I'm sure the western companies and fast food chains that plot to destroy his kind haven't helped with that either. 

After a day of not being on my meds.

i feel like its important to be on them yes for xyz reasons, 

but when it comes to uncovering buried shit- its done more quickly without them. Perhaps it is dangerous to be managed in that way. 

Feelings i could never make sense of that ive had all my life, I’m realizing correlate with buried trauma. 

feelings that i forgot i had because the meds suppress them all. 

Don’t get me wrong I’m glad they do. 

But the fact i have to be medicated to handle life isnt normal, and I shouldn’t just act like I’m done healing because the meds keep me numb enough to function. 

I... experienced weird symptoms as a child. Some odd behaviors. My memory is patchy but, I uncovered some memories, some through dreams. I’m analyzing my thought patterns behaviors and emotions. My triggers etc. 

Something i always experience without my meds is anxiety of dark bedrooms at night and of bathrooms, particularly showers. I struggled with a paranoia or anxiety around these things my entire life. But when i take the meds, the anxiety doesnt exist, it doesn’t occur to me. 

Why do these places scare me?

After stabilizing from the days this week there fucked up 

because of not taking my meds properly 

i can say reflectively, i should never do that again. LOL 

i was so angry, and like had dark thoughts, i was depressed but simultaneously overwhelmed to a point, it wasn’t very. Productive for me. Everything was a much bigger deal, and I perceived an impending sense of doom. Catastrophizing severely. I thought more was happening than was really happening and, things that were insignifant, for me were actually like, the end of the world. 

I was prone to dissociating and panic attacks, surrounding triggering topics or, sometimes just from, getting overwhelmed by my own mind, and my perceived situation. 

Everything felt like it was going horribly wrong. 

And then I take my meds, and I go- oh. What the fuck was I freaking out for? 

My anger was probably the most notably out of control during this whole thing. The 2nd most concerning was the “dark mode” I would get into if I was sort of triggered to? And it was like, just, like my entire, everything was swallowed up by this dark eternal void, and like an abyss it just, there was nothing you could do to fill it. And my thoughts and behaviors, and things I said when I’m in that... are all really, bad. 

All in all, that was a complete mess. And, looking back on the things I wrote in this thread above- that I wrote while not on my meds, the things I said to people, all of it is, not something I’d normally, say when stable and- it’s evident to me now how, I was losing my mind a bit but, when I’m in it of course that wasn’t apparent. The abnormality in all of it. 

I did have a realization though that, I have fixations with things at times as a means of escape. From the things in life I struggle to just confront and deal with and get over. And then it becomes a comfort zone, the fixations. A compulsion to run to this or that, over and over. When in reality, it’s not the best thing for me... it’s just, what’s comfortable, and easy. 

That’s helped me to find balance a bit... recognizing these compulsions, where they come from, and it helps me to stop, doing them. And instead live a normal, happy life free of the burdens these fixations can bring. 

What's the most painful thing you've ever experienced? 

AliceInWonderland said: 

What's the most painful thing you've ever experienced? 

 Prob the fake auto immune disease she pretended to have the day after you went to the hospital.