https://open.spotify.com/track/7MenFyNgpOMMPFmbrvJZqX?si=xe53D7gRQMmtayZGN5KgOA
https://open.spotify.com/track/50YlQ0NpVy05Z2rVigs7O7?si=Av7iFLbESPuW448jWQvU4w
last edit on
6/28/2020 7:34:19 PM
What happened
My dad says a lot of negative stuff to me. Today he ranted per usual about, all the reasons I suck to him. He went as far as to say I “wasn’t normal” and “needed help” but he didn’t even know what the problem was and what is “wrong with me” so he doesn’t even know how to “fix it.” And he wants to send me to a behavioral psychologist was his wording, to determine what was causing “all of this” abnormalcy in my behaviors? To make me, his idea of, normal.
And, when I say or do anything- as a response to my environment, or the things said to me- that’s just another, “abnormal” thing that isn’t, justified, it isn’t validated, and I cannot be, heard- he doesn’t even, listen. Or try, to understand. There is no opportunity to “talk” in that way.
All I can do is just, take it. And say nothing in response.
But the way he did it just, it wasn’t pleasant. Let’s put it that way. I’m being too conserving here. He just laid into me without any consideration how that would make a person feel... I don’t even have the words to describe the way in which he talks to me, but by the time he’s done, I just feel so, fucking worthless, and useless- hopeless, that I’m as good as dead.
-
I was already having a rough morning, I was feeling pointlessness again but, kind of ignoring it and trying to push myself through it... find motivation again somehow- that I just had, yesterday. I was having suicidal thoughts- because, everything just feels so fuckin pointless. Like, everything I loved just, turns to nothing meaning wise- so quickly and, I feel so irreparably flawed, like my ‘problems’ are insurmountable and confusing and, I can’t overcome them- and life is, unfair, and cruel, and grueling- and I have a hard time, with it.
It’s the, “it’s never gonna get better” talk. With the underlying feeling, of pure, mundane, stagnancy and- pure, emptiness- inside you and, inside, everything you ever loved. Drives me to suicidal ideation, it isn’t on purpose it’s more like, an emotional reflex. I talk myself out of the thoughts though, and get up.
I don’t see the point in eating or drinking coffee, in fact I’d think about starving myself till I died. But, I’d go get coffee for the hell of it. Hoping maybe it might make me feel better, enough. To sort of, get through the day. Maybe.
I was feeling overwhelmed with financial burden, I know I’d be happier if I moved out but, it’s very difficult to afford on my own. Being here is difficult for me. I tell myself I’m the problem, I should just learn to deal with it better. Quit being a victim. Don’t be a failure. Work harder. Be better. Be, perfect. But it’s empty.
There is no satisfaction, in it. It’s just, doing what I had to. To get out. But I remember my past experiences, how negligently my therapist handled me.
I open up to her presenting all this, serious, mental health problems. And the only solution she could offer me was, “well just move out.” So I did. That didn’t solve my problems though, because they’re much larger than that, and they’re in my fucking head. Because I’m fucked up, for some goddamn motherfucking reason.
I just wanted help, to get better, to recover. And instead of true help, I got, jack fucking shit. I moved out, and... made little mental health progress. Stagnated. Was just, getting by. Still, just as lost as I started with, in the mess of mental health problems, unknowing and unwitting to, how to handle it, how to get better, etc.
I thought, you go ask for help, they will help. But, nobody ever really has.
I’ve always been so incredibly alone in, understanding myself. No one seems to, get it. And it’s... isolating.
I think I came here originally seeking relief from that feeling. But, didn’t find it here.
I feel like I’ve, almost given up on humanity.
And I’m so close to the edge, of giving up on myself.
And I don’t want to, I want to be able, to get my shit together- but I just *can’t.*
Just like when someone is sick with an eating disorder and they just *can’t* eat.
People tell me, “well just make ur life better and u’ll be happy.”
But it doesn’t work that way. Just like telling a person to eat, who has an eating disorder, doesn’t make them better either. it doesn’t work that way.
I barely understand it myself, at all.
I don’t know why I’m like this, I can only guess it has to do with trauma and up bringing but-
God i just want to be left alone... I don’t want to be so emo but I’m just sad today and, I’m in a down state of mind lik I can’t, do or handle the normal happy things that, me on my “apparently” good days can.
They’re not good days just because I’m functioning, it doesn’t mean I’m better for it. It doesn’t mean the problems have gone away.
They never seem to.
Though I’ve tried so hard, to will it all away, anyway I possibly can.
I’m feeling like, what *can* I do, what *can* possibly be done. Will I ever meet that magic therapist who, truly helps me heal?
Or is that a pipe dream, to think you can pay some crack with a degree to make your problems go away. As if they even fucking get you.
Okay i feel better now that i vented and also i had a thought. Which is, “screw them.”
Just because I’m not your idea of normal, which is based on what- the fact ur surrounded a bunch of like minded ignoramus idiots that do the same thing u do and validate your shitty worthless existence- what, I’m the weird one? You have weird behaviors too, and you do stupid shit too that you have reasons for. So fuck off with that shit.
We’re different. Get over it you fucking ass hole.
And seriously, my ex gf came to me asking for cocaine AGAIN. The audacity.
HAH
i suck at communicating things- even that was a shitty way of communicating what I’m trying to say
and, also I’m looking for jobs like *Crazy* right now and it’s, yeah. So that’s my life rn.
And my mom was like “just once i wish i could be the pain in the ass” referring to everyone around her being shit and she’s the best. And i said, “maybe you are the biggest pain in the ass but no one says it to ur fuckin face” and we laughed about it because that’s our humor but
yeah I’m just in a snarky mood now but, I’ll get over that too
last edit on
6/28/2020 9:34:06 PM
Went for a swim 🏊♀️ 🏊♂️
had my gluten free oatmeal
trying to maintain the ‘life guard’ standard of fitness so when i have to re-do my certification i can pass the test still lol
Having my coffee now.
I think I’m going to go back to school in august I’ve decided. It will suck because of everything being online but hey at least i don’t have to be around people.
-
i haven’t been updating but I’m doing well i guess.
Pats on the back to me, this time when my dad came unglued at me i didn’t engage or let it sink in too much, just kinda let it roll off my back. He really tore into me full tilt screaming going off, directly into my face and was saying a lot of threatening and mean shit very, very angrily.
And I just yeah, managed to stay calm somehow so and not let it phase me so that’s good.
Normally i get pretty sad or angry after these sort of things happen and it triggers depression, substance abuse, thoughts of self harm or suicide. Plus it just throws me off mentally pretty bad, in general.
But this time I just, dunno didn’t let it get to me. I was kinda sad for a sec but like I said I just let it roll off like, psh whatever. Carry on. Such is life.
So I’m surprised I was able to like, get past that, honestly. I normally get stuck in a bad rut when these sort of things happen, and my response to it can be pretty volatile.
But this time my, aspirations and my ultimate, happiness and well being were more important to me and I just, found the ability to rise above it much easier. Don’t stoop yourself to that level ya know, there’s no need. No benefit.
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Tw: sexual trauma
I’ve been having weird dreams lately but they involve sexual assault so I haven’t been talking about them. It’s just really personal. I don’t really want to talk about it but.
For the records sake.
One dream involved, being sexually assaulted by an older woman. And I was a child. When I woke up I kind of felt like I was still that child and I was in that time in my past. And then it took me a minute to sort of get my bearings straight. I felt pretty emotionally upset when I woke up like, this was an emotionally weighted dream. I felt a familiar but distant sadness for that, person that, happened to I guess, just the misfortune of it and, like, the actual way you feel when it’s happening to you. It’s um, a very unique emotion, it’s like sadness, but a very very blue and heavy, dark, shadow. A weight. On your chest. I wanted to cry for them, the feeling was familiar. But I couldn’t at the same time. I was so uncomfortable with the pain that I just decided to convince myself it was just a dream and to write it off. Just to not feel it anymore, and the confusion that surrounds it. It’s easier to just, put it away. Out of your mind.
Another dream, my dad was there and several other ppl standing around spaced apart. We were standing in the street of a neighborhood, I’m not sure where. And then one of the ppl comes up to me and i approach them, they are holding what looks like maybe a vintage 90s boom box stereo type of thing, with the handle ya know. And i knew they had something about this technology they needed to show me. Like i knew there was an important message and it was time to receive it.
ive had these instances happen in dreams before. Where ppl are showing me a memory that was real. And ive confirmed were real. Despite having no previous recollection.
Whatever it was i felt ready to see it. I was like yes show me it. And they were like look at this. And then the box played a video. Instead of music. And the person was explaining what happened but, without words. And the entire screen of my vision was now the memory playing before me. Witnessing myself 3rd person, like a movie.
This has happened before, in dreams as well to me. When the memory is transmitted its played like a movie that I’m seeing, and i am feeling and experiencing every detail, internally externally, not just visual but, every sensation, of this memory. A perfectly maintained clip of pure untarnished memory, clear, and vivid, and when i watch it, its as if I’m really there, in it- and reliving, every, detail.
so this memory was of a sexual assault. Unfortunately after i woke up the detail of the memory faded instantly. And became shrouded and muddy, and confused. Like fog, it sort of washed away very quickly and all i had left were bits and pieces, and a general idea... i ... saw in the memory who it was but when i woke up I reflected on the face and it was unfamiliar to me. An older man.
I was sort of dissapointed that their identity was vaguely revealed to me and, it didnt click for me, who that necessarily was.
It makes me sick to think about, so I just have to tell myself that didnt really happen. But, i dont know. The last time a memory was transmitted to mr this way in a dream it was confirmed real.
i woke up from that one completely drenched in sweat. My shirt was literally soaking wet like it looked like i had taken a shower with my clothes on. My hair was dripping wet in my face and my eyees and shit and i had to deep clean my scalp and my body / face because it was so disgustingly wet.
Like my face was so wet its as if i already splashed it with water but it was entirely sweat.
so gross lol and like my shirt was wet
The first thing i did was peel it off. I was like oh my god this feels disgusting and my eyes were like half closed from the shit getting in my eyes.
My pillow was also entirely wet and where i was laying i had to wash everything
last edit on
7/1/2020 3:28:00 PM
I don’t come whining to this thread everytime one of my parents does something I don’t like but it’s just been getting worse lately the way my dads treating me
so he did it again. just now. Like... I feel like we need to have some sort intervention at this point like yes I’m making efforts to make money and move out but like
how fucked up I am and how damaged and fucked up tjat relationship is, it’s like never going to be corrected or heal and that sucks
but yeah like I wish there was a way to just get him to fucking stop.
like.... what the fuck. Seriously.
im so sick of people thinking they can walk all over me and the fact people don’t respect my shit just makes me wanna isolate and like be left the fuck alone
because I’m just so sick of people who try to pull some shit on you and disrespect you or make life difficult in some way or another it’s just like why
why do you have to be fuckin be like this like stop it lol
anyway I should probably talk to my therapist about these altercations me and my dad have constantly because I’m sure she could help but
seriously I’m, I don’t know what to fucking do he won’t stop man
I’m just so sick of it like I can’t take it anymore ugh
part of it is my fault like I know I have shit to work on with myself like I’m pretty OCD or whatever so there are certain things I do in a particular way that make him mad
I just don’t want him TOUCHING MY SHIT. And see now I’m sitting here feeling guilty and blaming myself but no like he shouldn’t be this way to me
like he was basically saying “this is my house and you live here so YOU DONT OWN ANYTHING AND YOU HAVE NO CONTROL ANS EVERHTHING IS MY WYA MY WAY MY WAY MY WAY AND IM NOT GONNA REAOECT YOUR BOUNDARIES OR HOW YOU WANT TO BE FREATED OR HOW YOU DO THINGS BECAUSE I FUCKIN OWN YOU AND YOU HAVW NO FUCKIN CHOICE!!!!”
there’s just no like getting through to him or reasoning with that or like.... we can’t even have a basic ducking conversation much less about something like that because he’s just such a horrible human being to be honest
because he will never respect other people or have compassion for them like, he’s so haughty and judgemental and flat out mean and then thinks he can get away with acting like this and doing terrible things to people
like he genuinely thinks In his mind he controls me how fucking deluded is that???
anyway this is an age old problem in my household so I mean it goes really deep for me I guess. It’s something I’ve had to sort of accept and work within the confines of it to make life work.
but I’ve never been able to like find uh... healing or, redemption from this issue. That’s not the right word for it. Ascension? I don’t fucking know
I’ve never been able to... work this one out. And it’s sucked, for a long, long time so. It’s a cliche to complain about it at this point and, I know like, it’ll never fucking change
so there’s no point. And I’m *not* going to drink or get high about it even though I really want to.
It hurts. Like you feel, less than and discarded.
It just, sucks ass but. Whatever knock the wind out of me I get back up and keep trucking.... cuz laying down and dying ain’t the thing to fucking do here man
it just, I feel so fuckin trapped.... I’m reliving a bit of my past like emotionally right now probably so it’s irrational sensation but, it reminds me of the feeling of what it’s like to be trapped. By controlling insane parents.
Ahhhhh
but yeah getting out isn’t what I need help with it’s the emotional issues and the traumatic residue that ripple effects me, internally and, my life, as a result like
that’s, what you need “help”
witj managing in therapy
god damn it’s so not fair that someone can just FUCK a person up like this and like pay no debts for that people are jus tout here being SHITTY and people have to like get fucked over by that and it’s just shit man
but SUCH IS LIFE