Sociopath Community

"and then I followed them and watched them walk down this leafy sidewalk, it was autumn. The ground was kind of wet and rainy, it was probably Seattle-

and I just kinda like watched them for a while and then they went their separate ways one kid was going to go do something and another to do something else 

And then I walked down this shopping district area, silently with my hands in my pockets.

And it was raining a bit and someone said to me “you need an umbrella?” And I said “no thanks” and they looked at me kind of strange. Everyone else was hustling around to get out of the rain quickly and

I was just like scuffing my feet along the floor and smiling looking around like I was lost and taking my time meandering"

Keep going babe 

"and then after that we reported back through our devices that it was time to go, and they started heating up and blinking red."

"Last night, I dreamt of one of these resort like places,

it was a glass box sitting on the watery edge of a rustic beach.

The water rushed up to the glass and the waves went vertical up the sides.

And you could sit inside and watch them hit the windows and the sunset on the horizon, it was immaculately beautiful.

A glass house."

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1og6BrlPyqZ0oGxgPhiFY7?si=cAYykX2sTYGIKA9Z-fD3dw 

here is a playlist you can listen to while you read the dreams and look at the cinematography, it goes with the vibe. 

(Age 4, memory) - reflecting on Memories i have of being taken away from the “home for children” as my mom called it. 

What was so special about the day I left? What was so special about the day I left.

There is a crucial clue in that, the, day I left, I remember Neera, dressed me up. 

Let me rephrase that- I *never* wore clothes. I NEVER WORE NORMAL CLOTHING. 

I wasn’t allowed to go outside. 

I was always in a diaper or something like that- 

But the one day, that was special. Neera had acquired this outfit for me, and it was given to me special- she made a big deal about it. And explained to me, that I was going to see my parents. And “getting to go home.” 

I remember, that this was a special thing like, an initiation day or, a graduation. Is how it was seen from inside the house. 

My parents said there were other children there but I just don’t recall a single soul other than Neera- and apparently there were other adults there too, who I have no memory of.

In my memories, the place, is empty- though there was a *feeling* that there was a man there in the back room. I can draw the place from memory (and have) and I know it with every fine detail. I can *show* you visually in my mind, the room he, was in, but I just don’t know, much about it other than I think he was white and had a beard. 

But, my memory of this “man” is extremely vague in the sense that, I can’t visually see him clearly what so ever, have no memories attached to him, etc. I just, had a “feeling” that he was in the other room and thats all I can remember. Or, feelings about Neera, that I could see her having, about the man, that were affecting our circumstances. 

Like, something to do with cooking, and the kitchen, and I think cereal? Like, he, had to go to the store to get us food- or something... our, ability to eat relied on him. 

*sigh* this really fucking sounds like kidnapping to me bro. 

But I’ve hypothesized a few rational reasons why I was there- but the circumstances *surrounding* it, don’t match up, or the memories, don’t match up or don’t make sense to the logistics of the situation. 

Like, witness protection- or, I was taken away during an investigation that was opened into my father, during the time he was, ya know. On trial for, doing a bad thing. 

But, why, in the fucking mountains? Seriously, that’s extremely far away from my current geographical location. Why, didn’t they pick me up. Why, when I met them for the first time as a child- it truly felt like, “I dont know who these people are, this isn’t, my mom or dad.” 

Why did that thought run through my head. Why did I feel like a stranger in my own, supposed-, “home” 

Neera said, on the special day, I was getting go home to see my mom. Men came to the door, and I was dressed up in uncomfortable clothes I really wanted to take off. But she insisted I wear- to look as nice as possible. It was putting on a facade I was better taken care of than I was. 

I never even wore shoes, or brushed my teeth, or wore hair ties. These were things that were unfamiliar to me, even wearing, a shirt, underwear, and shorts. Socks, shoes. It all felt incredibly incredibly odd to me but I *had* to keep it on. 

And then the men came, who were dressed like officers I think? And one of them picked me up, and pointed to the mountains in the distance, (we were up high in the mountains, with a gnarly view), and he said, “did you ever go out there, in the mountains?” And i just shook my head or something and he said, “no I’m talking like, did you ever have any friends you went to go see, out there? No friends living there? Hm ? how about in those little caves. Did you ever go out There, on a walk? Or go skiing-?” And I just said, “we aren’t allowed to go outside.” 

And i think it took him a few to grasp it the conversation went on, about, like going to town and, seeing people, meeting people, people that came to the house, did i ever see anyone- go anywhere, were there any cars, what did the other kids look like, what were their names- what happened there. 

And eventually they explained to me that they were going to take me in a car, “have you ever been in a car before,?” And i said, “no” i was actually kind of excited to get to go in one- i think they explained a car seat to me a bit, explained how i was going to go on a plane, and meet a man who was going to take me home 

And i was a child so naturally i sort of clung to the guys that were taking me around, i think one of them mentioned to me that he had a daughter too, like me and i just wanted to go home with him, and i asked him, something like, “what is a dad?” And, “can you be my dad?” And he had to explain no, no, he is not my dad. I think he was saddened by this. 

I remember the, scenery surrounding the building I was in, and the exact lay out. And, The drive down, the mountain, and- the long stretches of, trees. And I just remember in the plane I really wanted to sleep on the floor but the airline stewardess made me get up and sit in my seat. 

But i remember i had made a palette on the floor for myself to lay on and was setting it up and the reason why this was so memorable is because I had always wanted to have a place to lay down and rest and be comfortable like- that was my own. And in the sun- as well. I remember from inside the home there was like, a porch but i was never allowed to go out on it- though i remember crying and beginning to go there. I just wanted to lay in the sun basking onto the porch and i vividly remember seeing it. From behind a gate. And feeling so frustrated and annoyed with the fact i was kind of being ignored, by the woman taking care of me who just, told me to stop crying and- snappily, said, “no, you can’t go outside you know that.” Like- shut up and stop crying. 

I have a few other memories from inside the home of just us, doing things. 

- 

i have memory of a house on a street which i can draw from memory, and i stayed at this house when i was more elementary school age- once again in a different state. With a different family. And, i remember being alone in the mornings while the other kids went to school ( who were the biological children of the parents taking care of me) and I was extremely bored. So i would sit in the kitchen and play with dominos on the table. I remember everything really vividly like, the girl... the daughter. The mother. The dog. The backyard. The inside of the house what it looked like. I had nothing, everything i had was borrowed from the daughter who was also my age. 

I remember the girl had a sleep over one night with her friend and i was told not to bother them on their sleep over. I felt like a dog myself, and cuddled up with the dog in this bean bag or sleeping bag idk on the floor, near a fish tank. 

I’ve seen this fish tank in dreams since then. I stared at this fish take falling asleep everynight. Not knowing where I was, what my parents were doing, why I was there, or how long I’d be there- or if it would be forever. It was truly uncertain. Even my mom said she didn’t know when she’d be coming back but that one day she might be back on that door step. I remember her telling me good bye, to be good. 

I didn’t know who these people were at all, still don’t. 

- 

There are several other memories like this where I am in strange places for unknown reasons. Countless. All from around this age range. 

One of the memories i have, of one of *two* of the houses i lived in for a period, looked worse than this. It was, worse than this. 

https://youtu.be/lFg955I743E 

Okay um. The first house that looked like this, had sticky carpet, dishes and plastic tubs and random kitchen wares stacked on top of the counters- so high, that they reached the cabinets- that were hanging above them. There were doors missing off the cabinets, the floors were covered in dirt and bugs. There was no food in the fridge, and I remember being hungry but having nothing to eat- and I laid on a table, in the living room, (it was very fucking hot, and i was very tired, dehydrated, sweaty) and just chose to fall asleep, on this table. (There was no where else to lay down). I was a very small child. 

Um,... I had to wait for this woman to come back from work, who was going to, help us get food, water, etc. But yeah the grounds were just covered in stuff, stuff absolutely everywhere. A huge, chaotic mess. It hurt when you stepped on shit, but you just kind of got used to climbing over the piles of shit to get around. 

The worst part was the hallway. I actually remember, I think I moved around all the stuff in the hallway so I could get through it- so I could get to a bed, to lay down. In one of the back bedrooms, I was really tired. (Probably from being hungry and over heated, no AC). 

But yeah, I, moved all the stuff and there was, random crackers and bugs and old sticky candy, and everything was just incredibly incredibly dirty. Barbie dolls, old beads and toys, and, paper plates, books, toys, clothes, shoes. Trash, so much trash. 

And beneath all of it, once I finally moved it, I was super dissapointed to find, that what was underneath all of it was worse than, what was on top. The carpet, was no longer, carpet- it was just sticky, disgusting, wet- I don’t know what it was covered in, I was too young to understand- but it was sticky like gum. And I walked on this sticky, disgusting gross, dirty gummy carpet with my barefeet and I remember the feeling. It was just, horrible. 

And so I finally made it into one of the bedrooms it was dark, there was one window but it was completely covered up with curtains and blinds. I couldn’t get to it because there was a bed and a dresser in the way, there was two beds in the room, and they were piled high with clothes- and stuff was everywhere of course all over the grounds. 

The clothes, were dirty, and smelled like urine, vomit, feces, it was covered in dirt and sand from other kids walking on it (yes there were other kids there, I vaguely remember them, some older some younger- sadly.) 

The older one didn’t care about me or take care of me, she was like 7 maybe 12 at the oldest, i dont know, in that range. She had blonde hair. And then there was a little one, that was like 3 or 4. 

I myself was maybe a little older than that. And I pulled open one of the drawers and found clean clothes stuff in those drawers, and i told the baby to lay down in the drawer, and it could sleep there. I think that it complained about being hot or it was crying, upset, restless, wouldn’t nap. And I just like told it the mom would be back soon and to just sleep. Like being kind of forceful about it like, “you have to go to sleep here.” 

And then I pulled open one of the drawers next to it and tried to sleep in it as well, for a bit, but i didn’t fit very well and it was uncomfortable. I wasn’t small enough, so I ended up laying face down in the pile of disgusting clothes on the bed, in pure exhaustion just, not really caring, about how dirty it was at that point, i just layed in the filth and tried not to think about the smell and drifted off to sleep. 

I remember like, laying on that table in the kitchen during the day, waiting a lot, and there was a couch parallel to the gross dark kitchen, and I remember climbing up on the counter and knocking over everything trying to search through the upper cabinets for food. And there was a tv on the floor and the older one would watch it, she kept to herself, she wanted nothing to do with us (the younger ones) she was kind of mean and just told us to be quiet a lot. 

But yeah, similar to the other places, I remember the sun- or, in the other one, I remember the fish tank. In this one I remember the sun as well, and just laying in it, whilst on this table. Thirsty and hungry but, choosing to sleep and to dream because it was, the only escape from the situation. 

The other house that was in this state of disarray, I have less vivid memory of um... 

I’m trying to remember but I’m really struggling, I saw it for a moment when I wrote earlier that there were two houses like this video but, I lost it in the time I was writing the other memory down. 

*sigh* this is how it goes, they come and go like, short circuiting. Which is why I write them down lol... I can’t always remember that easy. 

I’m trying to remember though... god where was I. Lol... oh okay I just sat and thought about it for a second and I remembered. 

I have less memory of it but, it’s there. This one I actually remember being transported there, I don’t know by who, but I remember I was in the back seat of some car and I didn’t know where I was going, but that they gave me candy. 

And I was glad to have the candy because I had been on a long trip without anything to eat. And despite them being sour warheads, that’s just what they gave to me and I like ravaged them open and ate them like it was the fruit of god being handed to me. I was starving. 

I also remember complaining that I was thirsty and they told me to stop, and that I was going to get any water, that we were almost there. 

It was a neighborhood we were driving through, which I can visually remember but I won’t waste the time describing, I believe we were in something that looked similar to, Mississippi or Georgias suburbs, middle class maybe, and it was colder out. But I don’t know, a lot of suburbs look similar to these. Brick houses, yards, with fences and grass. Tan-ish side walks, black road with no lines on it. Mailboxes, and um... you know, that standard, front doors, the usual hedging and, what not. It wasn’t horribly run down but it wasn’t upper class either. 

And then that’s the only like flash of memory I have of outside the house, and then I have a flash of memory inside the house, where I was told to go into a toy room and the door was shut and I was locked in there for hours to “play” but I kept asking to come out, with no response, and banging on the door and crying and wanting to come out- 

and there was a woman on the other side of this door, talking to whoever was dropping me off, and then they left. This woman was, an older woman. Like, a grandmother. 

Her house was also in a state of disarray, things were messy, dirty, dusty. There had obviously been kids there before because she had a whole toy room for god sake but, it was untouched and dusty seeming. I think she told me she had grand children that like to play with those toys many years ago or something like that, before she shut the door. 

I also remember she told me to never go in the kitchen, she sat in a dimly lit living room watching this TV at night and, the kitchen was just piled high with junk and she gave me something to eat that was like, peas or something really fucking weird or squash or soup I don’t know, it wasn’t much. 

I think I sat on the floor and ate it in the toy room and then asked for pudding or something and she said I she didn’t have any, and then she told me to finish my food and I acted like I would but then I put it down because I ate some of it and it was just so disgusting I couldn’t finish it. 

The floor was dirty like, I think the floor was hard like terrazzo and it was gritty from being covered in dirt and I set the food down knowing that ants would come eat it so I pushed it away from me a good ways and continued to fuck around with some toy that was on the wall. 

The room was red. And just filled with brightly colored toys, old, plastic, dirty ones. Discolored, missing parts. and a crib. 

I think I did ask how long I was going to be there and I think I got no response or she said something weird and vague. 

The place i was when i was small (with neera) was like this https://livelaughrv.net/2013/03/06/snow-again/ 

my mind always wanted to say the location was to the west but i wasn’t certain, i just knew there were mountains and a snow. i knew geographically like i had an inkling that the memories were taking place in somewhere, in that region of the United States- that had an “in the middle of no where” appearance- like Nevada, Utah, and New Mexico. The other hint i got is that style of the house, what it looked like on the outside, and in the inside told me a lot about the state i was in, because it had a very distinct style that you only see- in New Mexico/nevada area. 

neera, she looked either Mexican, Native American, Indian, Philippines, etc. 

The men who picked me up were partners, they worked together, and wore matching uniforms, my memories of them I’ve described has led me to believe they were either, social workers, FBI /law enforcement, or state department, or rangers. Something in uniform. 

My parents, I’ve asked them for my birth certificate and they claim it was lost. They haven’t lost any other important documents, for anyone in the family. Just that one document. My mom is very organized with this kind of stuff. It, just doesn’t seem, right. They claim this place i was in, with neera was a home for children. They claim there were other children there but i have no memory of them, just the man and the woman. I’ve asked to contact neera, my mom claims to have no known contacts to her and that she “moved to India.” and I tried finding her as best i could, with no use. 

Here’s the other clue though, before all of this happened, I remember being in the snow, in the mountains, alone, and walking outside. And my boot got stuck, and I stood there for a long time. I don’t know who I was supposed to be with. I was like maybe 2 or 3. Very, very young. And I just started crying because my boots got stuck in the snow and I couldn’t’ get out. And then, someone helped me. A woman. 

And she brought me to this house, that was very New Mexico style looking on the inside, and there was a man there. I can describe their appearances- 

but why waste the time when, I can just post some photos that might do a better job. 

(Insert photos here) 

I also tried looking myself up in missing persons data bases, and looked through the deepest crevices of what missing persons files I could access that had photos- to see if I went missing under another name. I also found a catalog dating back to 1960 or so, and I looked through that but, all that it was like, names, dates, information but no photos. Unfortunately all the old old cases from that time, that i would be on that list, um, was before they were putting pictures all over an fbi public missing persons file online. 

Here’s the thing though, I was watching the toy box killers case- 

And apparently, um. They said that dozens, of people who are associated victims with the case, started being found- alive, and the police believe there to be dozens of others- of all ages. Young girls, children, toddlers. Not just, prostitutes, though there was many of those too- they’re believe to be, still out there. Alive. 

Off the record. 

So perhaps it’s something like that that, won’t be found in any files anywhere, because no one even knows, it happened. Sort of thing. Which that idea never occurred to me that, duh- there are things like this that occur and, are off the record, and no one ever knows it happened, it never comes to light. 

They never found a single body from the toy box killer, they don’t have a rap sheet, they don’t have a list of names associated with it. 

Just think about how many cases there might be like that. 

Of all missing persons cases, only 1 percent are found, annually. 

So, it makes sense that it would be more likely, that whatever did happen, was totally off the record, someway somehow. 

I also am finding my mom, has a lot of secrets, she’d been keeping from me. About her own past. So it could be related to that, i don’t know.  

The other possibility I’ve thought was witness protection 

or like i said a custody issue because of being investigated, my dad was investigated at that time for a lot of criminal shit. He was up to no good when i was that age. 

Also my parents fought a lot at that age and my mom was MIA and my dad was MIA so its possible they just didn’t have the ability to raise me at the time. 

Which is what my *mom* said to me she said, “we just didn’t have the time” and claims that is *why* i was at the home for children. Because obviously I asked, why the fuck you sent me there. 

But it just doesn’t add up because 1. Who sends their kid *that far away* and 2. Who doesnt pick them up? Why was I picked up by two strange men instead. 

Like, I’ve raised two little girls myself, not my own but like, they were someone else’s kids who i took care of like my own. And i know it would be absolutely impossible for me to be without them like that, at that time like, people don’t just give their kids up like them and then have them Pinged around like put put golf around the fucking country by strangers like, unless they have absolutely no choice, and it’s out of their control.

like if you hadn’t seen your own child for years wouldn’t you like, go pick them up? I know i would. 

But nah i was shipped like a fuckin ups package. 

And then to top it off, when i got home, i didn’t know where the fuck i was. Neera said “you get to go home today! And see ur parents!” Like this was some big deal but i was dissapointed by it because, iw as like, “who the fuck is that, that’s not my mom.” I had no familiarity or belonging wash over me, they felt like strangers. 

And i didn’t know, this family, the home- even the customs were odd to me. 

Like, i was used to sitting on the floor and eating. And, i ate curry. I felt really uncomfortable and shy and awkward but finally i got really nervous and just blurted out, “where’s the curry” 

and they said, “oh, sweetie we don’t eat curry here, that’s not American.” And I’m just like.... right.... American. 

Lol and looked over at the cupboard with gross plain American food in it and I’m like great..... i hate this already. 

The food was so fucking plain man. (White people) lol 

but yeah this first dinner together, there are two i remember specifically. I remember what we ate. I remember how i felt which was uncomfortable. 

And i remember like, being confused about where to sit. Because they were like you wanna eat dinner and i was like yeah. And then I’m just looking around standing there like um, where do we sit lol kind of confused and they kind of read my confusion i guess and then pulled out a chair at the dining table and told me to sit there

and i was like well thats kind of weird but ok... awwakrdddd 

i really thought we were supposed to sit on the floor like i was confused abotu this whole situation but i was like, ok this is what this family does ok, we all sit in formation around a table, got it. This is normal. Cool. I’m, vibing with it.

lol 

but most of the time i just wanted to go back and be alone in my room and didn’t want to be around them, even then i felt like I didn’t fit in with them. 

Then the second night we had lasagna and it made my stomach hurt. I’m lactose intolerant. I didn’t say anything, i just said i was full and asked if i could leave. And they were like yeah you can leave anytime you want. 

I also remember later after that around that same age i tried to run away. I just walked out the door and went. I packed my shit. I also made a small cave in the closet, to live in by myself, hoarded food under my bed, and built a small tree house for myself outside to live in, and i slept out there a lot and like i wanted it to be my own house. 

I was alone a lot left to my own devices. I collected spiders and lizards in a box. I remember even when it rained i stayed in my tree house though it leaked because, i built it myself lets be real it sucked. But... i just wanted a place of my own, to be alone- away from everything. Same thing with the closet. 

I don’t really know what i was trying to get away from though, i dont’ remember. I also remember um, when i was growing up the only thing i ever asked for, for christmas/birthday presents was a motorized vehicle so i could get on it and drive the fuck away, as far away as possible. I wanted to be independent from a young age. 

And i kind of was in a way, in a lot of ways. I found my own ways of making money and took care of myself, i made my own food, i remember eating mayonnaise and butter sandwich’s and jelly sandwiches a lot. Or just eating straight butter out of the tub. In my underwear. I was always half naked. I had scraggly hair, missing teeth and cavities. No one ever told me to brush my teeth. My hair formed dread locks that were painful. I was sick often. And the house wasmn’t, in the best shape. Sometimes I would hurt myself on the exposed nail beds. There was leaks coming from the AC that was dangerous to step in the puddle water so we put furniture and plastic bags over it. States of, disgustingness was normal to me. Maggots collecting in the sink. Dirt rings around my neck. Dirty wrinkles clothes, dirty smelly socks. Painful cavities in every tooth- yes, I’m not joking. Every, tooth. They fell out, some. I don’t have much memory of my dad from this time, just brief ones that were not good. He put cigarettes out on us. He drank so heavily, he would pass out in public places and we had to leave him there. Or, on the door step, outside. A lot. My mom too. On the door step or, they sat on the couche sin the dark drinking and popping pills and smoking cigarettes. My mom, wasn’t home a lot but when she was she was completely absent minded, and asleep. I’m talking out cold. The first thing they always did when they got home was have a beer, and they just didn’t stop from there. I remember as a kid I said stuff like, “I’m gonna set the house on fire” to my mom who was passed out cold seeing if she would wake up. or, “I’m gonna steal all ur money outta ur wallet”... no response. 

I hate talking about my childhood, because it honestly sucked but. Another thing is um, they fought a lot and at one point i think they divorced by just didn’t tell anyone about it. It was bad bad fighting- like the most epic intense fighting iv’e ever seen, it got violent and i would just shut myself in my room with my back against the door afraid. Leaning into it so if someone tried to open it i dunno, maybe i had a shot. Probably not though, considering the strength of my dad is ungodly- and when he gets angry i mean, it’s just 5x that. Shit flew off the handle often, i came home never really knowing what to expect. Like,... what mood was crazy bunch gonna be in today? Sometimes it didn’t end well for me. Other days it was so quiet, and everyone was so, checked out I could kill myself in the other room and no one would know for hours. 

They also held their own bad decisions over my head. And made me responsible for them, their emotions, and the things they were supposed to do as adults, etc. they put a lot of burden on me, and pressure etc. about, all of that sort of stuff, a lot through out my entire childhood. Got to a point i didn’t know who i was, jiust what i was supposed to be. Ya know? And i got angry about, feeling forced to fit a mold. And eventually i got angry about, being forced to be the captain of a ship, I didn’t even wanna be on board of. But was, threatened, into being on. Where i was, mistreated, in a lot of ways, not just physically but, emotionally ya know. Psychologically even, driven to my wits end. Schizophrenic parenting style, that was so on and off, it’d make ur head spin. The only thing that was certain was that, i was no body, and meant nothing. And to keep my damn mouth shut. Keep your head down. Stay out of the way, act like everything is fine. And don’t, get your ass, in trouble. 

Eventually by an older age i just learned to stop coming home. Involved myself with as many after school activities as possible. I seemed like some kind of, happy person, involved in my community. Like I gave a shit. The truth is, I was depressed. And I, just didn’t wanna go home. 

that’s the eerie part about it, is everything looked so perfectly fine on the surface. But, i made it that way. To fit in, to be something. It’s, just survival ya know. I think that’s what I was trying to do. I wanted to create the appearance everything was fine because I didn’t want to look like a freak. 

I didn’t ever invite anyone over because I didn’t want them to see the sight, i lived in, or, how drunk my parents were, it was embarrassing. I felt, a lot of shame about this. And compensated for it, with a facade of normalcy and perfectionism.