Sociopath Community

Wow so it finally fucking happened i guess lol. 

I’ve been waiting years for more fragments of memories to come back to me, about my childhood. I’ve had a lot of information come back over the years like I said in fragments, sometimes in dreams, sometimes not. 

But, I just kind of had a feeling eventually something would hit me in the dream state eventually, because I have had other dreams that have jogged memories or, shown me things. What’s buried in the subconscious. It’s like, a bridge to trauma memories that are inaccessible. In theory. 

But yeah so.... lately, I’ve been having more memories abotu my very early childhood coming back to me. Like, in the last three months. They said that like, this whole corona virus thing for people is like, psychologically causing trauma to resurface for some people. I don’t know why, but I read that somewhere. 

And I’m remembering *a lot* of shit. From like, toddler years- which, previously I didn’t have, a whole lot of knowledge of. Just, snippets that are confusing. 

This is how memory of abuse at home came back to me as well, small fragments that were confusing came back to me but I didn’t know like, what was going on or what memory these strange fragments belonged to. I couldn’t make sense of it. 

It’s that sort of thing happening again. But it’s just like, inconclusive, and vague... I don’t know, like where I am, in these memories, I don’t know the people I’m seeing in them, I don’t know what I’m doing there, how long I’d been there, why I was there. etc. I just, know the place, I know I was there, I see the people. I see it, but I just don’t know what was going on. And I have several of those, snippets. 

But finally something came back to me, in my dream last night. Clear as day. Interestingly, through my mother. 

I came up to her in the dream, the age I am now. It was present day in the dream, in the time of “corona virus” like, very very present day. It felt like, reality. And I just walked up to her, in our house, and she said she had to tell me something... and she told me that, when I was a very small child I was badly neglected, basically. I was left, in a high chair, in this kitchen for several days. As, a small, little toddler. 

And I was quite upset in the dream, I felt all of the emotion associated with it, which in reality I don’t, feel as vibrantly. But, I was just like, really sad and there was like anguish and a total sadness that just filled me up inside and came over me, it made me bend over and cry, and I said, “how could you do this to me, how could you let this happen to me? Why?? Why??” And I think she said, she didn’t know, why and she was sorry. 

Like when she told me about it, I remembered it, and wished I hadn’t. 

And then I woke up. Thinking like, it was so painful seeing like, that shit that’s locked away it made me want to stop, looking for it. Like I’ve been. And feeling like maybe I’m better off, not knowing what’s buried in my subconscious because it’s too hard to face. Like I feel like Idon’t know if I can handle it. 

(there was a lot more to this dream but, this was the only trauma memory, there were a few other unexpressed emotions buried in my subconscious which were expressed in this dream, which were anger. About particular issues, in my life I guess.) 

But anyways, when I woke up I told my mom about this dream, and she said it’s true. That really didn’t happen to me. And I just like stared off for a few minutes and then said, “wow, I can’t believe I remembered something.” 

She told me a bit about things that happened like, she said there was several people who took care of me, not just Neera. And um, not all of them were good. Let’s put it that way.

Blanc said:

I’ve been waiting years for more fragments of memories to come back to me, about my childhood.

Can you prove your dreams really happened to you (this time)? 

The malleability and gullibility of people is not beyond you nor I, it's always good to exercise doubt over what we think is a perceived accuracy, especially if it has tie ins with the things you've been more recently exposed to. 

There's little difference between you scouring your brain for "memories" after you expose yourself to days of Youtube abuse than there is from classic 70s Cults using sheer reinforcement to change how people remember things, from Gaslighting, from Lawyer Language's room to nudge the argument (the classic "How fast were you going?" versus "How fast you were speeding?" spin). 

You ought to pay attention to how sticky language and concepts are, and then ask yourself if these memories are real, or simply "feel right". You err very very heavily on Impression, and this ought to have you wondering a little. 

Hurray! Another time travel dream 

these are always so freaking cool

my dreams are extremely cinematic, vivid and realistic. Although sometimes they can be like mixed reality and things happen in them that are more on par with pure dream logic or the reality of the “animation” turns into something that’s only possible in the dream state 

most of the time they are very realistic though sometimes they can get, more in the realm of pure, impossibility and fantasy 

like being extremely high up in the sky- or, going into different dimensions. And visiting places that, my mind has made up and look like something- out of a video game. Like entire life size neighborhoods with homes made out of colorful candy. Real gingerbread houses. Lol 

or, unusual powers, supernatural elements or characters- with abilities and appearances that are not from this planet. Or visiting other planets or space stations entirely- seeing new creatures that don’t exist. 

Once I dreamt of, a woman with a large round hole in her stomach. Perfectly round as if a cannon shot through it. And, her surroundings were covered in guts- but only when someone reached their hand through the hole. A giant warehouse covered ceiling to floor in guts. 

Ive has dreams of wading through vomit that was up to my waist. Filling an entire hotel room. 

Nuclear bombs- going off. Mass shootings. Zombie apocalypses. Blood, murder. And once I was in the plot of the movie birdbox. 

Sometimes I have lucidity or powers- or have, strength. To kill. Sometimes I’m a murderer on the run, sometimes, I’m witnessing a gory death. I watched the sun go out once. I dream of haunted places. Of songs that never end, and torture you. Of deceased people frozen and crawling with bugs out of their orfaces. I’ve dreamt of, toxic air, and, missile scares. The future, in which there were diseases with no cure. 

Or sometimes, I am in my own past. As a child, or, reliving relationships that were nightmares in and of themselves. Sometimes there is just water, everywhere. On a shrinking ship or a breaking board walk, or on strange contraptions that, I can’t seem to get off of- wheels that won’t stop spinning, obstacle courses 25,000 feet in the sky. Don’t look down- don’t slip. But, I do. Fall to my death. 

Or I am in mansions or hotels that, are beyond comprehension, they’re so intricately detailed and vast. Sometimes they’re haunted. Or I’m on a resort or a vacation. 

Last night, I dreamt of one of these resort like places, it was a glass box sitting on the watery edge of a rustic beach. The water rushed up to the glass and the waves went vertical up the sides. And you could sit inside and watch them hit the windows and the sunset on the horizon, it was immaculately beautiful. A glass house. 

And then there was a second dream in which, I went back in time, to the 90s. Haha! It was so great, I absolutely loved adventuring around in that world, in that time. I had such a great time. 

Though I was sent there along with, a partner, on a mission for a select purpose- it was, a work thing. We were allowed to make the most of it, for a bit. Before the work had to be done. 

So I chose to fill up my time with going to see a Nirvana performance, I believe it was a live acoustic something or another for MTV, I was standing fairly close to the front. Though there was seating everyone was standing and crowding close to the stage. Just standing there and listening. It was amazing, getting to seek them live it’s always been an absolute dream of mine to do so (despite him being dead lol) 

And so I was really happy to get to have that experience as I was having it just soaking it in. Quietly standing there not making a fuss, I didn’t want to be noticed because we aren’t supposed to “affect” the past in anyway- we can’t talk to anyone or, touch anyone. And certainly not pull out our iPhones- though we did have them. 

Everything was brighter and more beautiful and wholesome then, in a plain but- comfortable way. It felt like home to me. I loved a past I could be in where- no one had a phone. No one had, anything. There were no cameras. There was no social media. It was just real time, and people talked to each other more- as strangers. Made friends quickly. Etc. 

The only downside was, the young kids seemed a bit bored. Like they didn’t know what to do with themselves sometimes to fill up their time. And they walked around just kicking rocks with their shoes and their hands in their pockets. I followed two kids out from the concert after it was over. I think I said something to Kurt cobain as he was packing up the stage (this was before the height of their fame and they were well known, the audience wasn’t even packed yet. Like I knew it one day soon would be- in this very same MTV filming concert space I’ve seen so many times from the future in YouTube videos) It was before he was even really fully formed Kurt cobain if that makes any sense. 

I know we had a momentary exhange but I don’t remember exactly what it was I just remember what he looked like. And being kind of star struck to be seeing this person up close and high def. And then he went off stage and I cleared out, along with the last of the crowd. And I saw out on a table one of his like stage assistants had put down his “box” and it was *the box* that was taken photos of in his crime scene post mortim photos. And I was like ah shit, that’s Kurts heroin kit and I opened it and it was full of so much drugs and needles 

and then two kids saw it and were like “what I would do to have a kit like that” and were talking about stealing it and I was like “no don’t steal it just get your own” and I closed it 

and I watched them walk out lol 

and then I followed them and watched them walk down this leafy sidewalk, it was autumn. The ground was kind of wet and rainy, it was probably Seattle now that I think about it lol. And they were dressed all 90s and talking about..: stupid shit 

and I just kinda like watched them for a while and then they went their separate ways one kid was going to go do something and another to do something else 

And then I walked down this shopping district area, silently with my hands in my pockets. And it was raining a bit and someone said to me “you need an umbrella?” And I said “no thanks” and they looked at me kind of strange. Everyone else was hustling around to get out of the rain quickly and I was just like scuffing my feet along the floor and smiling looking around lol like I was lost and taking my time meandering in it getting completely soaked 

But I didn’t care because I had a limited amount of Tim to take it in and I also had to get somewhere 

I was scheduled to meet the other “operative” my partner back at acuh and such place at such and such time to start out assigned mission or whatever and then after that we would have to go back to the future aka present 

So I got to the place and we already knew the plan that was going to go through. We’d already seen the entire scene from beginning to end once- and this was the second time we were sent back, to change it now. 

the first time we were sent was to witness and take note of the exact things that took place at this event and the second jmtime we were sent back to the location before it happened was to walk through it with our plan now- which we formed before the second hop back in the future with our “overseers” or what we and to, stop it from happening. 

So 

What ended up happening at this point forward was like running over a deja vu, both my partner and me had seen it and run over it 100 times in the planning process. Every detail was timed and exactly the way it should be. 

We got into a van at our meeting spot. We were picked up by a girl who was taking us to her crib for a party she was hosting later in the night. 

At this party she was going to die, the girl driving the van. Who held the party. It was going to be attacked from the inside by several members of the party. They were like a terrorist groupie with an agenda of their own. We needed to keep this girl alive because she was going to be someone very important one day in her future- and important to our past. It was something political. But yeah so at the time this little group that had formed was still young and aimless and everyone’s doing drugs and, she lives in this abandoned building where she hosts the party. 

it’s very cool though like there is lights strung up and some lamps in some corners and then boxes of random stuff and old vintage couches and chairs and pillows and blankets scattered about. A dope house, a gutter of homeless youth. Who get together and get High off chemicals like inhalants and, lower grade heroin that’s barely even heroin. Heroin from the early 90s was not as potent as it is now in the future, and this is before fentanyl existed, so it was a lighter high then. More fun and less, asleep. As part of the mission we had to blend in and so my partner and I did have to do dope.

luckily our tolerances were so high, that the shit from the early 90s barely affected us hahah. And so we were able to still operate. After we got high the girl sat and was talking to some guys that showed up- distressed about an order.

she was a painting collector. She had this giant paintings on the wall and everywhere and- she moved them around like, a wjole team of hers and herself moved these painting and sold them. They were not acquired legally.

So there was some trouble with an expected delivery, and the men who were supposed to bring it were breaking the bad news, they showed up in all black and came out of a warehouse truck parked out front. 

these were part of the memorized motions of our plan. Part 2. 
part 1 was getting high and talked with her. She looked troubled and stared out the window, she had long stringy blonde hair and was wearing a loose fitted tank top and jeans. And we were smoking some weed passing it around. It was shit weed. 

She just seemed really upset. I just kept staring at her like, “she has no idea I’m here to save her life tonight, and she’s died here before.” 

I think she said something like, “I used to be suicidal ya know but... *shakes her head* *puts out cigarette* I- I don’t think I wanna die anymore ya know.” 

and that’s when the men showed up and she said excuse me a moment, we watched her in the distance and she was stressed out and yelling at them. “How could you let this happen we’re screwed.” 

And she invited them to stay for the party that night. 

over the hours my partner and I sat in that same spot on those cushioms on the floor by the lamp and window in the corner. The walls were eroding smooth concrete. And little hangings of tattered blankets and lights posters, papers with writing and stickers on it were hanging everywhere. We sat in this same spot silently watching as the party filled up with people 

finally three hours in- we started to move into our positions. Targeted the men at the party who were going to Murder her and pulled them out of the party and then killed them, packed them into the trunk of a car, and carried on with the loud, dark party inside. There was a live underground band playing- and drinks. Everyone was standing around and socializing in the dimly lit place, a Smokey haze. Including the girl. She stood there talking with her friend as she should have been, instead of being Murder Ed at this exact time.

my partner and I looked at each other and nodded and went out separate ways, knowing the mission was complete and we did a good job. 

I walked through the haze of sillheojtes and shadows and light bouncing around in the dark, meandering and someone came up to me and started to talk to me. I just looked at the floor and hid my face 

they have no idea of the horrible future that is to come- I thought to myself. A time of, covid-19. It was so nice to be able to, stand so close to each other and not have to worry about disease. To touch, to talk, there was no worry. 

And then I made my way out of the party and then a friend met me and my partner in front of the cars where the bodies were, and we transported the bodies in this car to the location we were instructed to in the plan. Just following orders in a routine way we silently got into the car, slammed the doors and were on a drive for a while. 

I looked at all the unusual shops and things- with titles of restaraubts id never heard of and, was sad my time here was over. I didn’t want to go back to the present.

Then we got to our location, the car stopped and we got the bodies out and dropped them behind a dumpster. 

and then after that we reported back through our devices that it was time to go, and they started heating up and blinking red. And then we were back in the future and it was so much more dull than the beautiful 90s 

and we were in a dark office that looked similar to, nasa. And there were black tv monitors everywhere and old men with the color drained out of their face talking on the TVs with the numbered ticker tapes running below their faces and the terrible news captions flashing up below them... about viruses and war and, horrible things. 

And I was depressed to be back. I didn’t like what we had become. And I said to my superintendent who was scheduled to meet me upon my return and do a pat down and take away all my weapons and bullet proof materials I was wearing etc. as I got changed and she took things out of my head and my ears that were stuck on- I said, “I think the 90s were a far better time than now. And- all this technology- it’s no good.”

something like that. Like, “I really liked a time with no technology better. It was nice.”

and then I woke up lol 

This delicious big phat white bootie must be a criminal on the toilet.

Cinematography from dreams: (as best as I could find that were attune to what, the dream looked like sort of lol) 

"finally three hours in- we started to move into our positions. Targeted the men at the party who were going to Murder her and pulled them out of the party and then killed them, packed them into the trunk of a car, and carried on with the loud, dark party inside."

Close your eyes and imagine my young rough tongue sliding right between your buttcheeks, slowly crawling along your poonie until it reaches your crack, going down back again just to slowly circle around that anal rim before pressing the tip against your tight shut entrance.

"There was a live underground band playing- and drinks. Everyone was standing around and socializing in the dimly lit place, a Smokey haze."

"Including the girl."

"She stood there talking with her friend as she should have been," 

"instead of being Murdered at this exact time."

"She looked troubled and stared out the window, she had long stringy blonde hair and was wearing a loose fitted clothing. And we were smoking some weed passing it around. It was shit weed. 

She just seemed really upset. I just kept staring at her like, “she has no idea I’m here to save her life tonight, and she’s died here before.” 

I think she said something like, 'I used to be suicidal ya know but...' *shakes her head* *puts out cigarette*

'I- I don’t think I wanna die anymore ya know?' "