So what exactly do you disagree with from what I said?
I mostly repeated what I had said earlier in this thread. But yeah I don't have anything near Freyja's eloquence, especially in English.
Hell even the above sentence sounds wrong :D
Edit: I forgot I said it in another thread so might as well paste it here.
Edvard stated: source post
Turncoat stated: source post
How easy do you think it is to do that? I'd argue that certain people are more predisposed to be distracted by those sorts of things than others. It's a nice way to be programmed, but it's ultimately another form of using distraction to avoid despair and numbing, and it doesn't come naturally to the aimless. They need a reason to care, and that lot tend to be more apathetic than not.
Basically, you aren't wrong, but it's not as easy to accomplish as telling someone like they've never heard it before, they need to be motivated.
Don't get me started on motivation, I can talk for hours about it. Sure, some people are easier to motivate than others. There is internal motivation, and external motivation.
You know why we find this apathetic type of folk nowadays? Because hell, they just have everything they fucking need, and they really need very little. They have a place to sleep, they have food in their bellies, often because mommy and daddy provided. Why the fuck would they want more? Why work and become more? It is hard to be moved to do anything when you are satisfied with your condition. But take someone who has everything to lose if they don't do something, take a desperate person who can't afford medication or food for themselves or their children, give them a chance to change that, they will be fucking motivated. They will do whatever it takes to reach that goal if given the chance. This is why so often people from poor countries will work their ass off to have the chances for the future some western country "apathic" kids have. They will fucking hop on shitty boats and give away all their life's savings and face risk of drowning, torture, sex abuse, just for an insignificant part of the chance an average apathetic fucktard gets for granted or squanders in civilized countries. Take an apathetic person who doesn't find motivation to, say, learn to swim. Tell them you will throw them in the sea in one month, they will fucking train daily. In extreme situations, we are something different entirely. We are surprised by the stuff we can do when we really fucking want it, and the mental and body limitations we thought we had: completely surpassed. It is why people like Systematic crave apocalyptic shit. They know they can be so much more, but can't find the internal motivation. They need something external, they need to be thrown out of the nest by momma eagle to learn how to fly.
In order to become motivated, you first need to have the motivation to be motivated. Without that, you can just fuck it. But if you know you need motivation, if you really understand that, and you keep telling yourself you need it, then this is the first step. If you understand you have the power to change yourself and turn your life around, and that only you stand between yourself and your goals, then it will become easier. It is mental training, it is about what you keep telling to yourself in a huge part
Then there are more routes you can take: One is to find the extreme situation you need and throw yourself into it. You are a 25yo still living with mommy and daddy? You have everything you need from them and you are pretty much a loser who can't stand on his own? Get out of there, live on your own. Do smth crazy, buy a one way ticket to Africa, screw the safety path that has you turned into a spineless worm. Work to feed the kids there, I don't know. Just a small example. Sure you might fucking die. A lot of things can go wrong and seem scary when you are mommy's boy, but when you are put in those extreme situations you are forced to grow your wings and you will surprise yourself. You will definitely become more than you are. It is why I can tell apart the people with world experience from those without, miles away.
The other route is to keep talking to yourself in your head, meditate on the stuff you want and can't bring yourself to do. Think about it daily, don't push it aside and pass the time distracted in video games or smth. Let those thoughts run around in your head, picture yourself doing what you want to do, and the seed will grow and eventually the gap between thought and action will become smaller and smaller. This autosuggestion works, there are neurological basis for this. It is why people can even be brainwashed against their will, radicalized, self radicalized, etc. Feed and water the seed, and it will grow. After you make that first step over the gap (which can be, for example, picking up that book you need to study from to get into a good college), things can only get easier because starting something is the most difficult part. You still have difficulties after this first step? Use some elements from the first route. Take your book and run away in some isolated corner without internet and other distraction, a cabin somewhere, just you and the book. Then inertia will take over at some point, and the better you become at something, the more you will love it. The more energy you put into something, the more difficult it will be to give it up and walk away from what you have achieved. So if you can make an effort in the beginning, then you certainly have the power to carry on, because carrying on is easier than starting something after a while.
" it's ultimately another form of using distraction to avoid despair and numbing " -> this is such bullshit. No dude, the numbness and despair are abnormal, not the baseline/ the given state that we somehow scurry around to avoid. Numbness and despair are products of something wrong in your life, not the hidden boogyman that makes people "distract themselves" by living better lives lmao.
Truth is we, as animals, have reached pretty much the goals nature asked for us: to eat, sleep, fuck. Wanting more than to fulfill our biological needs is a big part of what separates us from animals though.
If you just waste your energy, you will regret it later, I have seen it happen.
We all have, he probably has too, but where's the balance between that and sacrificing your youth in the name of success?
There is a big space in between imo. The definition and perception of sacrifice is also very subjective. I would say that drugs and living entirely "in the moment" is sacrificing your youth. Those things, on the side, are much healthier and enjoyable.
ThenFuckit stated: source post
Primal stated: source post
Feelings are Not FACTS
...he posts enough ....that the amt of time spent on studying the internals of his thought processes can be spent similarly on calculations for the dose and sourcing the vitamin....max time = 5 min,
No excuses...lol...
But the existence of feelings are a fact.
I do not like some aspects of smart depressed people. I do not know how to approach them.
Even if there is a solution to their problem, they wont feel good about it. So the solution is worthless.
Smart ones usually have tried solutions and they didn't work. Which makes them more apathetic to the future solutions, which in term would make them less likely to work as solutions.
So the solution is not fact based, you need to make them feel good first. Which is difficult for me.Its about feelings, the entire concept of depression is about feelings.
That Feelings exist, is a Fact. The Basis for the existence of those Feelings may very well be False.
Depression whether it is organic in nature or emotional....is something would require being known to the sufferer....some times the solutions employed of the instafix or mood elevators merely exacerbate the problem over time......but I am no psychiatrist. Friend of mine did her Master's in Depression...so... ask her for info when I am curious
Some people, even with the cure in front of their face will refuse to Do anything ....because ...who the hell knows why?
Edvard stated: source post
Even smart people are often blind when it comes to themselves. There are different kinds of smarts anyway. One can have excellent analytical skills by being detail-oriented for example, but suck when it comes to taking a few steps back and seeing the larger picture.
Complacency and convincing themselves there is nothing they can do is part of the problem. Those who feel trapped in a world this big with endless possibilities are definitely overlooking something.
Yep....the trap is in their own head. ..lol....what if they can take that step back....and spin the scenario from multiple angles...?
TPG stated: source post
you forgot to take into account the fact that those people may also have ocd type percieving skills and try to logically deduce every possibility they percieve,ergo your attempts to look like the one with common sense and the only person with sanity in this thread have been failing miserably :D
You adorable little cretin Hugs TPG
Turncoat stated: source post
Edvard stated: source post
I don't think anyone pretended hallucinations and psychosis could be cured through mental conditioning, but I also doubt they are as bad as Turncoat makes them appear. He seems pretty functional to me. Severe illness leaks through, see MrOmega's posts. You could tell that guy had real mental problems.
Thank you. In your own sort of ignorant way this is actually quite unintentionally flattering, especially after your comments of the opposite in our mock-scuffles.
If I were typing on here around... eight years ago or so you would have seen me saying some weirder more off the wall crazy shit, and if I let myself type the more inner-stuff these days when acting out... I'd probably not be taken even remotely seriously here anymore at all. As I'd mentioned earlier, I have no problems talking about this stuff, but the last thing I'd want to do is show it. Even if a part of me wanted to just for the sake of it, too much of me won't let me.
Your perspective is interesting on many topics....... emotionally driven...yet analytical..while at the same time, the connections are often completely .....odd....
'Learned Helplessness' is a thing.......you yourself discussed it at length in past posts...
SO....have you sourced the B3 yet.....? You must have by now....
How serious/ committed to yourself are you about handling /curing/ ,managing your experience of MI if you have yet to source a potential cure ? Hmmmm....?
Got a start date in mind? Any further research for or against the possibility?
Turncoat stated: source post
Anyway, back to you. I would agree with MissC in questioning your diagnosis, both the outcome and the manner in which it was made. What happened at that university sounds an abhorrent way to treat someone with a suspected mental disorder and not like anything I’ve ever heard of.
...a two way mirror, a camera, and some moved furniture is abhorrent treatment?
Erm, yeah. You again aren't clear on how much of this was done with your consent. I mean, did you have to sign something beforehand? Were you fully informed at all stages what was being done and why? You say it was filmed - for what purpose was it filmed, what was done with the video and how long was it kept for? That's just basic procedure that even in a university setting they should be abiding to you. You were a vulnerable young person, you were paying to be there and the university had a duty of care towards you.
Depending on the circumstances (and in the hands of a good lawyer) that could be considered abusive, false imprisonment, breach of a right to privacy or even assault. Educational establishments are terrified of these type of lawsuits and the bad publicity they bring because of the rich mummies and daddies who won't send their little darlings there afterwards. I know as Xena said things are different in America and legislation is less tight, but in a land where you can sue a coffee shop for your spilling coffee on yourself because they didn't warn you it was hot, I reckon you've got a pretty good case here.
The fact that you don't seem to think it is a big deal or see what is wrong here says to me that maybe you were used to being in some pretty fucked up environments, or have very low self-esteem and think it's ok for people to treat you that way, or there is more to this story than what you are saying here. Or possibly all three.
Before I had my house, with my parents, my dogs, my neighborhood (to a lesser degree from moving around), my room, my stuff, my everything. No matter how badly my day went I knew I could feel a sense of retreat there without having to worry about things being stolen or poisoned or anything, where I can lock a door, avoid phone calls, switch on a TV to drown out my mind's intrusive audio in between commercial breaks, browse the internet without anyone over my shoulder, listen to music while playing a handheld game, snuggle with one of my dogs in my original bed I grew up with and just chill knowing that I have similar and comforting enough company outside the door if I want to talk about many things.
Ok, a question - why did you go to college in the first place? And would you think about moving back home now (assuming you don't live there anymore)?
You've said that basically all you want from life is comfort and security, so wouldn't living with your parents be the best solution to that, or did you want more from life?
At college... I had a bunk, a closet, a roommate who wouldn't stop looking at me, his mess, his life, his friends, his expectations, his scattered clothes, his sleep schedule, his alarm clock, his body odor mixed with cheap body spray and shower humidity, his voice, his little sounds and snores that he makes, his needs and requests, his attempts at awkward small talk even though it was completely unnatural for us, his every little thing that gave me no peace in that small shared room. I had no retreat from the stresses of the outside world, as suddenly my room felt like the outside world. Even trying to get some sleep after five or so days of not would be interrupted by my friends playing siren sounds and instruments outside of my damn door from them wanting to hang out with me. I was destabilizing slowly in subtle ways prior to college, but losing access to a safety bubble changed some things. I am completely aware that this sounds weak and over dramatic, but it surprised me too how unready I was for not having a feeling of home base for that long a span of time (travel had similar stresses at points).
What were you expecting from college?
I grew up seeing kids on medications (and some adults), and from that I got to grow up and watch how they'd grow and change, the symptom struggles, the misdiagnosis cases, the multi-med burnouts, one bad case after another basically telling me repeatedly "Don't let this happen to youuuu". Friends of friends introduced to me with med histories didn't fare much better either, and once I hit college age I saw quite a lot of aftermath. Beyond that there was a diagnostician and a principle with a psych doctorate that tried to play the role of shrink, and both of them were an absolute joke. I talked to friends and family about their therapy experiences to gauge a larger sample... only to hear cases that confirmed my bias without a need to cherry pick (yeah I know, limited sample, but the prevalence makes it hard to feel like failure is rare). My folks never tried to get me on any medications either from seeing a lot of the same things that I had from people they knew.
What kind of environment did you grow up in where you were surrounded by all these mentally ill people? Were your parents therapists?
I bothered with therapy down the line from it not risking permanency, as all that really risked was wasting my time, plus I could quit if I ever felt uncomfortable with it. Meds meanwhile have been a never-ever since forever. With my having studied psych (abnormal the most), it was discussed what sorts of tactics and tricks that therapists might employ... which was a bit of a spoiler alert for future treatments that made me even more wary.
If you'd studied regular medicine and had a broken leg would you not go to A&E because of 'spoiler alerts'?
I still think you're being rather closed-minded about meds, and indeed about therapy, but it's your life.
Turncoat stated: source post
I’m left a little confused by your assertion that ‘the only’ thing to be gained from therapy is better coping strategies. Surely if you found a good therapist to work with who could help you see things a little clearer and give you some practical coping strategies for everyday life then the benefits of that would be huge?
I'm mostly doing alright, now. Ever since graduating college (after five years, with summer courses, with the help of disability services and smaller semester schedules...) things have been better. I stayed with my folks a bit and recovered past college stresses, then found that, while minimum wage is boring, that it's been simple and low maintenance (for the most part). Episodes that once potentially lasted for weeks nowadays last anywhere from a day to a week with varying intensities. A less stressful environment, avoiding caffeine, comparatively improved sleep, and some elements of diet helped with some of it, but a lot of it came from experience and study, becoming so worried about the display of my symptoms that even my paranoia-driven self would try to hide their displays from the public eye. I'd look at how I'm behaving, where I'm slipping up, and took notes on small things to try to learn how to feel it coming instead of allowing it to keep sneaking up on me, as once I'm within it my head becomes extremely unreliable beyond what it can attempt to record for later.
This is admirable, and obviously requires a lot of willpower and effort on your part, so well done with that. But again, such self-control does have me questioning your diagnosis. I mean, those schizophrenics and psychosis sufferers i have contact with just don't have anywhere near that level of self-awareness, awareness of difference between fantasy vs reality etc and are completely unable to function in any environment, whether home or the outside world, without medication and support. The fact you're controlling such a serious disorder without meds or therapy does make me wonder whether it is the disorder you think it is. That's not to say you aren't suffering or that it's not serious, but come on... the anxiety and paranoia you're describing isn't anywhere near on the scale of, say, setting yourself on fire because you're convinced you have fleas or stabbing members of your adoptive family to death 30 times.
I've freaked out at school and work more than once. If I was somewhere that didn't allow for sick days, breaks, the ability to trade shifts (for work), and/or access to a public restroom, I probably would have had embarrassing things happen publicly. One job I ended up leaving from it being a pressure cook where everything was disorganized, there was no training, and everyone was fem-roid raging almost constantly from the stress in a very small space with a lot of eyes and very speedy/grumpy customer expectations. I tried, but the place had me almost lose it in front of customers a little too often with nowhere to go if I did, soon after cussing myself out for being weak and going back to hunting for jobs (only time I've done this, but still).
You know, I would leave a place like that, I think lots of people would. Many people wouldn't be able to cope in an environment like that, and whether you genuinely can't cope or just don't want to cope there is nothing wrong with wanting better than that, and there's nothing special about it either.
Another case I almost broke down publicly happened after just dropping a wine glass in front of some customers... but I hastily cleaned it up and hid in the bathroom briefly while I collected myself and made things shut up in there so that I could keep working despite how that rendered me. Otherwise most of my retreats have been able to be pre-planned.
Most of the time's fine though, or at least manageable enough to not be a problem occupationally. At the very least during bad times I can usually keep a lot of it internalized and somewhat reduced in severity through stress reduction with the occasional moment for slow breathing if something overwhelming happens, and thankfully the majority of my stress displays don't show up on my face until past a point with mental warning signs where I can't hold onto my acting faces any longer. Once I get home from there I can work on releasing that and chilling the fuck out. I've also seriously spent a lot of time trying to force myself to tolerate the things that disturb me, but a few of them (like the feeling of paper mache) I still haven't gotten past.
Yeah, i have friends who, even if not diagnosed with for example an anxiety disorder, would behave exactly like this. I'm sure that it makes life tough, especially in this modern world where i think weakness is in some ways less tolerated than it used to be. I have no doubt that you do have mental health issues, but a lot of what you're describing is actually on the normal spectrum of human emotions. I think you are in danger of seeing every aspect of your behaviour as part and parcel of your mental health issues, rather than just your personality or a normal reaction to a stressful situation.
Also, how often do you have to feel papier mache?
You seem to think that because your disorder can’t be cured completely then there is no point in trying to make your quality of life better.
I am trying, and am better off than when it first surfaced, but it feels like it might be getting somewhat worse even while I'm in my comfort zones.
You're kinda contradicting yourself here.. didn't you just reject the idea of therapy because you're doing ok by yourself?
That is a childish perspective, rather like saying, “if I can’t have exactly what I want then I won’t settle for something similar, I’ll just have nothing at allâ€.
It feels more to me like betting my sanity and aspects of my identity on a dice game.
So you think that getting help could make it worse instead of better?
Turncoat stated: source post
You say you’re afraid of ending up like a lower-functioning schizophrenic, but when you compare your posts to, for example, MrDelta’s, you can surely see that you’re nowhere near that level, to the point where you have to question whether it really is the same disorder.
There's multiple subtypes, and mine at least is the paranoid variant which tends to have a generally increased likelihood of better functioning. Even so though, I'm not entirely optimistic when I can see the familial similarities as a somewhat predictive map of where I might go.
I’m not a psychiatrist, and nobody online is qualified to advise you without meeting you in person, but I’d tentatively suggest you look into the possibility of schizotypal personality disorder rather than full-blown schizophrenia.
Schizotypal doesn't hallucinate.
I would honestly revisit that assumption. It is rare, but I do know of cases where schizotypals have suffered psychotic episodes. Interestingly, they tend to cope with it better and know the difference from fantasy and reality better than the full-blown schizophrenics.
Do you feel that this is something you've suffered with your whole life, like an inherent part of you, rather than something with a sudden onset in your teens? If so, it may well point to a personality disorder.
In any case, your diagnosis was made under such strange circumstances that who wouldn't want a second opinion after that?
You talk a lot about labels and seem very concerned about finding a ‘label’ that fits you. I have to wonder why this is so important to you. Especially seeing as you have chosen not to go down the route of therapy or medication, what does it matter if your problems don’t fit into a neat little category as outlined by medical professionals?
Labels make it easier to do research, find others who fit within that niche for cross-comparison, and it saves time when talking about it. As a series of symptoms I had trouble describing it was harder to know what I was working with, and there was no way to find out why. The label gives an explanation and a means of reference that's otherwise absent.
I wasn't a fan of the mystery until I found what I was looking for. Who wouldn't want to try to figure out why they're hearing shit?
Yeah, that's natural, but just be aware that these psychiatric terms were constructed artificially by human beings, they're not as exact or accurate as a diagnosis of physical health. It's not like somebody has X-rayed your brain and said 'you are an X so you will behave like an X'.
Would it not make more sense to treat your collection of symptoms independently and for what they are, rather than lumbering yourself with a label as daunting as schizophrenia? Surely that is only causing more harm than good, in that it risks becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I can't get to the acceptance step if I don't deal with how much it sucks.
Grief is a first step, but wallowing in grief is counterproductive to anything.
Freyja stated: source post
Turncoat stated: source post
...a two way mirror, a camera, and some moved furniture is abhorrent treatment?
Erm, yeah. You again aren't clear on how much of this was done with your consent. I mean, did you have to sign something beforehand?
I consented to cameras as early as the start of therapy. It made sense to me that they'd have them.
I was given two things to sign, one for the therapy and one for the tests. It's been years, so naturally I don't remember the fine print as well as I did back then, but nothing on there looked too shady. With a mutual goal between me and them, having the tester's help was something I wanted.
Were you fully informed at all stages what was being done and why?
They definitely spelled out everything they were doing during the procedures (beyond the furniture suspicions anyway, which could honestly (likely) just be my own paranoia Edit: And the mirror, I guess). They wanted to make sure I understood what was going on and bothered repeating themselves or elaborating when I'd twitchily ask questions or act strangely from them.
As to how I took what they were saying... they had to re-emphasize a few things when the paranoia'd flare, but they did take the time to try to calm me down before continuing.
You say it was filmed - for what purpose was it filmed, what was done with the video and how long was it kept for?
Not sure on the how long, but it was filmed for the sake of being able to look at what was said more than once as well as to have something more concrete that could be used.
It began as only two people seeing it, but later I consented to allow it to be more once it hit testing time. I was fine with this, it was what I wanted, as in my mind more people meant a stronger possibility for better answers.
You were a vulnerable young person, you were paying to be there and the university had a duty of care towards you.
And they did. Just because I wasn't taking it well that day doesn't mean they were abusive. I'd likely have responded a lot more poorly to it if they were.
The fact that you don't seem to think it is a big deal or see what is wrong here says to me that maybe you were used to being in some pretty fucked up environments, or have very low self-esteem and think it's ok for people to treat you that way, or there is more to this story than what you are saying here. Or possibly all three.
But they didn't treat me badly, I treated me badly, and I wanted answers as much as they did in spite of my odd behaviors that were surfacing at the time.
It sounds to me like you have a low tolerance. They tried to work with me but at most I was the unruly one, and they managed from within that without breaching anything. They never even did something as simple as making physical contact.
Ok, a question - why did you go to college in the first place?
I was told that that was required for success. The old threat when I was young about getting good grades was always stuff like:
"Do you want to work at McDonalds? Do you want to work at Walmart for the rest of your life? No? Then get a degree."
I didn't want to be a failure, as failing is uncomfortable and leads to further discomforts down the line. I was repeatedly told that I'd need a degree to succeed, so that's the path I went for.
And would you think about moving back home now (assuming you don't live there anymore)?
They're nice enough and always offer me the option, but I have a fairly comfortable setting where I am now too with more opportunities.
You've said that basically all you want from life is comfort and security, so wouldn't living with your parents be the best solution to that, or did you want more from life?
It's not always comfortable there, and neither is the "living with your parents" stigma. When I'm there beyond a certain stretch of time I'm usually stuck playing the role of therapist for their problems.
When I say "I want comfort", it's closer to saying "I don't want to be uncomfortable". When I say "I want security", it's closer to "If I freak out and lose my job, I want to be able to have a safety net to reduce the urgency". I like knowing that my food is a consistent thing, I like knowing that bills can be paid so that I can continue enjoying my luxuries, anything I'd need to make for a comfortable cocoon is a boon that stops buildup.
What were you expecting from college?
A degree, a job, and the start to the rest of my life.
What kind of environment did you grow up in where you were surrounded by all these mentally ill people? Were your parents therapists?
Are you kidding me? Do you know how many kids are on meds these days? A lot of them didn't even need anything, but their parents were all "My child can't get straight A's and do his/her five extracurriculars, WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM/HER!?". California had a higher amount of this kind of thing from either performance obsession or negligence, but as I grew older and traveled to more states I saw that it wasn't exclusive to there, not in the slightest.
Mental illness is more common than you're likely thinking it is (around one in five I think the stat is?). People like that are drawn to me from who I am (and vice versa), but that isn't some small niche group of oddities, it's a lot of people.
If you'd studied regular medicine and had a broken leg would you not go to A&E because of 'spoiler alerts'?
...this isn't even the same thing and you know it.
I still think you're being rather closed-minded about meds, and indeed about therapy, but it's your life.
YOLO.
AIena stated: source post
I don't think it had anything to do with that, I'm unsure if anyone knew that about your past as you've taken the time to inform us right now but its more likely that you've admitted in the past to simply skimming and not actually reading through his post mostly because you found them to be to lengthy
Ok fair enough maybe he didn't mean it in that way. But i mean, you're of mexican origin, right? if someone was basically following you around on every thread making some unfunny comments about a stereotype related to mexicans (idk what those would be tbh) that wasn't relevant to the discussion at hand then surely you would conclude they had some kinda problem with you?
I've said on one thread that I didn't read the whole thread because it was too long and i didn't have time. If someone assumes from that that i'm unintelligent then it says more about them than it does about me.
and even then, in other threads, having admitted that yourself have chosen to side with Edvard which of course does make you seem a bit biased.
When have i said i chose to side with Edvard? There are many things I agree on with Edvard and have publicly said so, but i would never agree with something he said just because it was him who said it. Likewise, if he said something that i disagreed with then i wouldn't have a problem challenging him on that too. Again, if TC thinks that Ed and I have some kind of conspiracy against him, that says more about TC's paranoia than anything.
Also its a little off putting that you would say if he were doing it as a jab at your past that means hes disgusting piece of shit clearly not your time or anyone else's when the same could be applied to Edvard.
I'm not really understanding your POV here tbh. Like, yeah, i wouldn't waste my time giving life advice to racists, who would?
Freyja stated: source post
This is admirable, and obviously requires a lot of willpower and effort on your part, so well done with that. But again, such self-control does have me questioning your diagnosis. I mean, those schizophrenics and psychosis sufferers i have contact with just don't have anywhere near that level of self-awareness, awareness of difference between fantasy vs reality etc and are completely unable to function in any environment, whether home or the outside world, without medication and support.
Paranoid Schizophrenia tends to have a slightly better handle on things, but otherwise some schizophrenics do better than otherwise if they're aware of their own shortcomings instead of floating around in a fantasy bubble (and how capable they are of that varies strongly). It's not just one way of being, it's a gradient across a large collection of symptoms. I'm also still young with a degenerative problem, so overtime even with a comfortable environment there will be more deterioration. If my father's any sign of things to come, while he's functioning well enough within his framework to hold a job... it shows me that things are liable to get worse.
I think theater, psych, and meeting other mentally ill people across my life both as peers and family might have given me more perspective. Back when I was bashing my head into walls I wasn't quite as lucid. On top of that, it comes in episodes, and while a person may lose their grasp on reality during it, depending on the nature of it it can eventually wear off. With an environment and set of self-practices that have the schizophrenic focus on doubting themselves and seeing how others think instead, a schizophrenic can have better control over their lives, and I saw that work for more than just myself back when I was dating one. I've largely treated the crazy in a similar fashion to my history with trying to control my OCD, as both have to do with compulsions and strange shit echoing in my head, and for a time anyway it was interesting to see it work through reinforcement outside of myself.
Edit: Theater was actually the main thing that helped me the more I think about it. It gave me a sense of structure, of strictness, it lowered my sensitivity somewhat, it got me over my stutter, it gave me a means of understanding people (and somewhat myself), and it taught me how to not display my weaknesses in favor of "The Show Must Go On". Without my history of theater I'd be a lot worse off. That mixed with the confidence and strictness from gymnastics and martial arts training gave me less reasons to be afraid of my peers, and from that less of a foundation to respond as strongly to fear when I instead can try to punish myself past it and rehearse some behaviors until they become more normal.
I'm also sure that a lot of my behavior is also a form of compensation. A lot of what I focus on are things that aim to have me keep doubting myself and be grounded with what others mutually see while also devaluing things that could be harmful, but that can have me become a bit off-balance when something "impossible" turns out to be true. I need doubt to tell the shit that doesn't make sense "NO!" before attempting to push it away from me, but once something formerly absurd turns out to be true there's always a time where I'm like "If that was true, what else might be!?".
TLDR: There can be a semblance of self control within schizophrenia, but that tends to be in the form of recognizing symptoms and managing stress/triggers. With the right experiences and environment, one could function relatively well as opposed to becoming the expected squeaky wheel.
The fact you're controlling such a serious disorder without meds or therapy does make me wonder whether it is the disorder you think it is. That's not to say you aren't suffering or that it's not serious, but come on... the anxiety and paranoia you're describing isn't anywhere near on the scale of, say, setting yourself on fire because you're convinced you have fleas or stabbing members of your adoptive family to death 30 times.
...is that what you think all schizophrenics are like, all the time? Jeez, no wonder you're confused about me, you assume schizophrenia is only as it's displayed in Cinema.
Stuff that's that extreme tends to happen during psychotic episodes, and the nature of how they think can strongly affect what directions it's taken. Honestly though, you're more likely to find a person who'd vigorously scrub their skin to the point of redness and bleeding while using scalding hot water as opposed to self-immolation.
You know, I would leave a place like that, I think lots of people would. Many people wouldn't be able to cope in an environment like that, and whether you genuinely can't cope or just don't want to cope there is nothing wrong with wanting better than that, and there's nothing special about it either.
It was a stressful environment, but I should've been stronger than that. Different people respond to stress in different ways, but mine has me lose the reigns on reality and risk making a fucking spectacle out of myself. I need to keep focusing on being strong enough to not burst the damn dam.
Living like this feels like I'm stuck holding onto myself tightly so that my self-control doesn't just blow away. A lot of my "shit is scary" typings are the preludes to the weirder stuff as opposed to all there is to it, and those portions are easier for me to both remember and describe when compared to episodic results.
Yeah, i have friends who, even if not diagnosed with for example an anxiety disorder, would behave exactly like this. I'm sure that it makes life tough, especially in this modern world where i think weakness is in some ways less tolerated than it used to be. I have no doubt that you do have mental health issues, but a lot of what you're describing is actually on the normal spectrum of human emotions. I think you are in danger of seeing every aspect of your behaviour as part and parcel of your mental health issues, rather than just your personality or a normal reaction to a stressful situation.
I'm getting the feeling that it'd be more convincing to hear from someone who's seen me act out. The words only convey so much.
...if anything, being frank about this stuff seems to have those who haven't seen it assume I'm stronger or whatever because of it, which is absolute BS.
Also, how often do you have to feel papier mache?
Even just once would have been too often. The substance is vile, clingy, and no matter how much I'd wash my hands I'd still feel it.
I purposely took F's after the first few times for projects that used that, charcoal, or other substances that cling too much to the flesh. I just couldn't.
You're kinda contradicting yourself here.. didn't you just reject the idea of therapy because you're doing ok by yourself?
About as well as I'd be with their brand of help anyway.
It feels more to me like betting my sanity and aspects of my identity on a dice game.
So you think that getting help could make it worse instead of better?
For meds anyway, yeah.