Sociopath Community

dear diary 

lets see today is tuesday, july 5th. woke up to mom #2 in a bad mood, she was arguing on the phone about something. she then catapulted that argument at me as i got up in search of my morning coffee. my responses were very baseline, but i was trying not to seem groggy since she speculates i'm using again. i couldn't help but rub my eyes. dad #2 told me which cup to use when i was pouring the coffee, and then told me not to use that much sugar. i explained that across 12 ounces of fluid that two teaspoons of sugar really isn't that much, and i think i started mumbling about what a homogenous mixture is and headed back to my room. 

i went to go get lunch after realizing there was nothing to eat in the house, got in the car and put the ac as cold as possible, the volume as loud as possible. as i was driving i couldn't stop thinking about a girl. the previous night she asked me to come to her house just to sleep together, she gets scared and i guess i help. i've already cheated on my girlfriend with her several times, i don't want a relationship with her because it would never, ever, ever work. but it's been five years and i can't get enough of her. my cousin was asking me the other night as we were driving home if i had any one particular friend that just really gets under my skin, and the only person i could think of was her. 

my mind went through memories of us together, dancing, holding my hand guiding me through the club, her in bed next to me asleep. i like her bed more than mine. all day i smelled like her perfume. when i got home from getting lunch i sat on my bed and could smell it on me. it reminded me of when i was in the passengers seat of her car and she took out the little bottle and sprayed it 6 or 7 times all over. a friend pulled up next to us in their car and rolled down the window to wave at us. 

all i can think about is regretting how fucked up i got that night. we were sitting at a bar with six other guys, she went to the bar to order a drink and i gave them all a good reason to stop trying to get in her pants. i could tell one of them was speaking with a fake english accent, they mentioned they were only in town for a few weeks. at the end of the night we were standing outside a club and by that point i was stumbling around, doing the typical backwards cross over with my feet and leaning on the girl. they were asking her for a ride, insisting they go in our car. she kept making up excuses as to why the answer was no, but eventually i just insulted them and they finally fucked off. 

i laid back in the passengers seat of her car and kept saying fuck under my breath and she wouldn't stop asking me what was wrong. i couldn't bring myself to say anything other than just "mmm". that night we went up the stairs of her apartment and i said, "it really does smell like weed in here" but what i was thinking was... i love your new place, i'm happy to be here. and then i collapsed onto my back on her bed and it reminded me of the time i did the same thing on her couch a couple years back. she used to take my shoes off for me and crawl on top of me. this time she didn't take my shoes off. all i remember of that night are glimpses of her. i don't know why i care so much, she shouldn't be what she is to me.. but for some reason she is intoxicating. 

... my guardians left the house and i took a shower. i found a bug and flushed it down the toilet. it's weird how most people scream when they're surprised. my immediate reaction was to look closer at it. i watched it struggle to hold onto the edges of the toilet bowl, and then it swirled away. all i thought about was, if a bug could think, it most likely was regretting every decision it made that led up to this point.. as it drowned to death.. i was feeling a bit suicidal when i walked down the hallway to the bathroom to shower, some days that just happens. when i'm in the bathroom i think about running those blades down my arms. when i was 15 i tried to kill myself in the bathroom, so it's just a weird place for me. but today was different, because i thought about the fact i most likely didn't need to drag it from the top of the forearm all the way down to the wrist, as there's some sort of major vein or artery i could focus on there in the arm. and i most likely would only have to do it to one arm, not both. i thought about when my mom (original mom) told me that if you get shot, you only have a matter of minutes, i couldn't remember the exact number but i know it ended in five. could be more or less in reality though. i wondered if i did it maybe i'd accidentally survive and, i thought about how ugly the stitches would look. i showered quickly, and didn't think about it again. 

after that my day was just noticing random things around the house i needed to fix or do. i fixated on those tasks. when i'm doing it it's like, ice skating. my friends like to go, and they all hug the wall going in circles while i'm doing laps around them. i don't see anyone, they're all just blurs. it's cold. they'res music playing but i barely hear it. i go so fast that all i can think about is the blades and their precise position in the ice, memorizing which grooves and dents to avoid because they slow me down. and the wind. it feels nice. i feel like that when i'm working. so i work on things,... quick, focused. and then i find a good stopping point. that's the one of the things i do that probably makes me seem a little nuts.. i'm always fixing things. which is normal to do i guess, problem is if i hurt myself i don't stop what i'm doing. once i split my finger open so deep, i still have the scar two years later. i wrapped it up and kept going. it wasn't till i finished what i was doing that i ran it under some cold water and felt the sting. i remember wishing that i had just left it wrapped in the towel, i didn't feel it then.

anyway i found a good stopping point and went through the canned goods. found a can that expired the year my parents died and i immediately wanted to chuck it through my kitchen window. but instead i just put it back neatly and wondered if someone would accidentally eat it and die from food poisoning. ended up making some soup, i read the can three times over but couldn't really focus while i read it. it's part of the ocd, i worry when i read things that i didn't read it right. then i decided to say fuck it i'll warm it however long i want. i played piano very shittily while i waited for it to heat up. i thought about eating soup for the rest of the year, and wondered if that was economical. probably not. as i played i thought about the piano. it's out of tune, damaged, the keys are ruined. but i've kept it for sentimental reasons, besides- i'm used to the exact weight of each key. it's a comfort zone. the truth is i hate the way it sounds. and i'd much rather have a better one. this is just the one i have. eventually i got frustrated with how bad everything sounded. there used to be endless possibilities as to what i could create, but now i'm stuck within the confines of ruts i've created in my mind, and i can only really create surrounding certain patterns i've grown comfortable with. i'm bored with them and i think they sound horrible. i know i'd be better drunk. it has to be subconscious, as if you aren't even thinking about it while you're doing it. that's when it sounds best.

then i watched a movie and fed the rest of the soup to my cat, which he vomited up shortly after. i paused the movie halfway through to go back to my room and check my phone. my girlfriend was out with her friends at a happy hour, i couldn't go because alcoholics don't go to happy hour. i realized i forgot to reply to her text, and then realized i didn't care that much. 

getting ready now for a phone call with her. we're discussing a vacation she wants to plan apparently (so she's demanded we do tonight). she got mad at me yesterday morning and ranted about how i wasn't helping her enough to plan it, but then it became a discussion about how i wasn't responding to her texts enough, wasn't open enough, didn't ask her enough questions... i just kept sighing and putting my hand over my eyes. eventually i told her i loved her and that it wasn't my intention to make her feel bad. then i realized there was nothing i could say to really help, after she brought up several other irrelevant things. she just was wanting to pick a fight. i thought of a gif i've seen of a show where his wife says to him, "do you think i'm ugly?" and he replies with his nose in a news paper, "so is this what we're going to do today, fight?"... ... she ended up calming down and then i found a way to make the conversation about sex... i know it's basically screwing up a relationship to solve intense situations with fucking but i honestly don't have the energy to bother with intense conversations anymore and would rather just fuck. 

.... speaking of energy. noticed that my fingernails are missing the white crescent in the nail bed. someone told me that means i have a b12 deficiency. explains why i'm always tired. 

i'm sure you got tired just reading this. welcome to the club. i have to go call my girlfriend. bye.

Dear, Diary

      I woke up naked, as usual. me and my fiance got up to take a shower and to get dressed. I made us some coffee and toast with jam. cause jam is better than jelly. we ate, watched some TV, and i washed the dishes. I Kissed him goodbye and left for work. i arrived on time, looking spazzy as usual. i went to my computer and edited a bunch of newspaper articles. I fixed misspellings, i indented, and revised their work thoroughly. I sent the papers back to the writers. this whole process took a few hours. I am now at the library, on the computer, looking at stupid stuff, as usual. I plan on going to a restaurant, once Frank gets off work. So, today isn't all that fun, but at least i don't  want to kill myself.

update: now july 6th 

got in a fight with my girlfriend last night but we sorted it out. she was telling me last night that i didn't talk about what i felt. she asked me what i felt about a particular thing she said, and i stuttered looking for an answer. i was waiting for a genuine feeling but didn't have one, so i went with, "i'm glad you feel that way." i try my best to be truthful (despite the disloyalty) but if i told her i didn't feel anything her head would've popped off. 

speaking of heads. last night i had a great dream. i was in a class, we were all wearing black. we watched three people present individual words, that were contributing to the topic of, "what are you grateful for?" and then we were told to write down three things we were grateful for. I struggled to find an answer, but eventually wrote, "air conditioning. food. music." i remember staring down at the paper while the rest of the classroom was in chaos in my peripheral vision, everyone running around and talking. I was debating in my mind if music was a drug or not. 

Then a girl sat down next to me, she was kind of petite, with long dark hair. i thought she was pretty. she was looking into a mirror, and inside the mirror was her entire project that she was getting ready to present. it was a huge walk-in closet full of hand made clothing she'd just designed. she was stressing out about how a few things didn't look right. i chatted her up about the closet, and she said she designed the entire thing herself, and had worked very hard on it. i think i said something about how it's cool that she's into design. she wasn't listening, there was a small table in front of her and she was fiddling with a pair of glasses on it. she couldn't figure out which side to look into, and they were a bit mangled. i chuckled as as she raised them up to her eyes the wrong way. i thought about helping her but figured she would figure it out eventually. she was wearing a lot of jewelry, and the glasses were covered in gold, with gold dangling chains. the table in front of her was glass. so as she fussed with the glasses everything was clanging around and making a lot of noise. i really liked the sound of it. 

suddenly she looked through the glasses the correct way, and it put a spell over her. we were both inside a new scene now, with checkered floors and architecture surrounding us that made me thing we were in medieval spain. she began walking very zombie like toward a hallway that, if she had gotten to, something bad was going to happen. in the process of walking she turned into a very tall man. i took out a katana and sliced up his neck and chest, but it was as if i cut into rubber. there was no blood, and the cuts didn't phase him. he continued walking. i cut a little deeper and still nothing. so i decided to cut off his arms and his head. this is the second time i've had a dream like this, the first one i cut off the paws and snout of a zombie dog. so this is just a thing i do. 

i remember trying my best to keep the blade even, quickly sawing at his shoulder. the right arm was an easier cut. and then the head, it was more difficult once i got to the spinal area of the neck, and i had to grab the blade on either end with both hands and saw. eventually it popped off and rolled to the floor as i turned around. there were several people sitting nearby that saw the entire thing, and i was smiling. I said to them, "i never watch that part" and then bowed. i was lying.

weird dream eh? oh well. time for coffee.

I saw a film today, oh boy; the English army had just won the war. A crowd of people turned away but I just had to look having read the book. I'd love to turn you on. :D

today i found you can put gungas in pasta butter and get blasted

Dear Diary,

Why couldn't you be a Death Note?

Sincerely,

BT

July 7th 

Yesterday I was in the middle of enjoying my reclusive holiday in my dark room, watching films. It was quite heavy storming out and it was perfect for watching those noir-thriller types. 

Then a flash of lightning came out and I saw it out my window, it lit up the whole room like daylight. Then the power went out. No ac, hot water, lights, or internet.

Parents were a bit of a mess from it, mom was staring out her bedroom doors into the back, and recounting her experience of the strike. All I came in there for was to ask when it would be back on. Dad called the power company and we were told 11pm. I began lighting candles, and then looked around outside for signs of fire. I found a... I forgot the name of it now. Transformer? I believe the transformer had blown, considering it was down on the ground and looked quite melted. My mom came outside and I yelled at her to go back in, the lightning was still prominent and she has two metal rods in her back.

We ended up going to dinner to wait until the power came back on, the first time we'd all sat together and ate since rehab. I didn't like it at all. They discussed how much revenue their businesses were bringing in, and then which they liked better- Ferrari or a Lamborghini. They are just typical money hungry 80's generation materialists. My mom mentioned she likes things that are made well.

She drank several glasses of wine, and together they went through two bottles. I thought it was kind of inconsiderate, but they're assholes so that sort of thing is to be expected. The truth is they're alcoholics too, just a different kind. 

When we got home I checked the oil in my car and headed out to a friends house- as we received notice that the power wasn't going to be turned on for quite some time. All my friend talked about was memes, and she kept shoving youtube videos in my face. My girlfriend was texting me, I don't even remember how it started but we got in a fight. 

At 3am I snuck out the front door, and called her while driving to the hotel my parents were staying in. I couldn't show up at her house at 3am because her parents would find that odd. I didn't want to either, I wanted to break up. We ended up talking until 7 in the morning, after she had pissed me off beyond belief. I've never gotten that angry at her. After we made up she told me that it's sexy when I'm mad and she loves my passion. She doesn't realize how many holes I've put in doors. I've ripped the entire thing off it's hinges, and destroyed the frame around it even. I pull door knobs right off. Break futons down to just a matter of planks and screws. I told her I have anger management issues and that I wasn't always this way. By the end of it we were talking about fucking again, I couldn't believe some of the stuff she was saying. I told her she read my mind.

We really do have perfect sexual compatibility. Emotionally not so much. I don't blame her though, I can't imagine anyone having emotional compatibility with me.

Anyway. Went up to the hotel room, took a shower and passed out. I was woken up 2 hours later for breakfast, and then I drove home. My eyes were blinking out of sync and everything seemed as if it were in slow motion. Going 60 but it felt like 20. It's odd how difficult it is to step outside even numbers while driving. I'm never going 61, or 53. Why can't I? The car must have a natural bias to steady off at exactly 60 every time. 

"My life is like one of those long French independent films with miles of silence and a totally ambiguous plot line." I thought about this phrase, when a song came on that my girlfriend suggested for me. I turned it off, even though I liked it. 

I hate relationships, and being all wrapped up in one person. I refuse. Which reminds me, going on a date with another girl tonight. I like that her name is Kate, short for Kaitlyn. She has great tits, and she's adventurous. Likes to get dirty and sweaty and play rough. My girlfriend only does that in the bedroom. Eventually I'll get bored of Kate. Just like I did with Emily, Kiersten, Aubrey, Ashley, Natalie, and so many others I'm forgetting the names of right now. Those were just milestone side hoes in my life. 

Emily was my first kiss, and several years later we re-met in a dressing room. And then we re-met, several times after that, even though according to her Facebook she was straight. There's just something nice about fucking a straight girl. Kristen was a Spanish girl with two moms and daddy issues who loved to get high. She was the first girl to figure out I had a girlfriend. Aubrey was blonde, and studied criminal justice. She wore a ribbon in her hair when I fucked her after sorority events. Always wanted to fuck a sorority girl. I accidentally posted a snapchat with a girl named Emma calling her bae, could of talked my way out of it if she wasn't wearing my shirt. Emma was the second sorority girl I fucked, and Aubrey's best friend. Ashley was a pansexual suicide girl with double D's, and the best fuck I've ever had. I got into a car wreck with her in my passengers seat and we went to the hospital together. We went out one night and I got so drunk I asked her to remind me what her name was, first girl that's ever really smacked me. Natalie was the first girl I fucked with an English accent, she was a year younger than me and had the most perfect body. She knew how to drink. Only reason I didn't date her more seriously is because she was a theater major and thus her personality often involved too much singing. 

Anyways. I should probably get ready. Bye. 

Dear Diary,

     Yesterday I went walking on a trail with Frankie. We laughed a lot and talked. It was fun. I was singing You've got a friend in me completely out of tune. We found a tree where people had carved hearts with initials in them. We did the same. We ended up finding two other trees like that. I wondered about the teenage couples who left their mark there. How many of them are still together? Do they ever think about the day they carved their initials? 

The sun is making the bumps on my face worse. I feel like a ginger. 

July 8th 

Had a dream last night I took a spoon and scooped words out of a book like ice-cream. 

Reminds me of this guy 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UB8ZDrNb3B0&list=LLOmMLUHOs3i4S_lLt_Z9eHA&index=9 

I'm so happy because I finally got B12 supplement, and coffee. Hopefully I will start to feel better in the coming week.

Dear Diary,

       I woke up and had morning sex. i got dressed for work. once i got there, my boss chatted with me and said i was doing really great at my job and i got a raise. According to him, my comic strip was the most popular. He said that i got my editing work done quick and efficiently. I was much better than the other guy that worked there before me, but alas, everyone knew that. I am obviously better than him in every way. I'm a better artist, i dress better, I'm much more attractive, and im a better worker. More people in the office like me and say that im a nice guy. I expect to win worker of the year.