This (insert really shitty thing) happened for a reason.
MissCommunication stated: source post
This (insert really shitty thing) happened for a reason.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
They make me edgier as a slow build up. Too many of them without some sort of outlet and I'll either snap at someone over something stupidly small, or snap at myself really loudly.
"Fuck-fuck-stupid-stupid-why-no-ugh-you're-better-than-this-you-need-to-be-better-than-this-how-could-you-let-this-happen-you're-pathetic-you-need-to-do-this-right-those-FUCKING-CRACKS-ON-THE-SIDEWALK-ARE-IMPERFECT-YOU-MUST-AVOID-THEM-are-you-doing-this-to-yourself-on-purpose-you-fucktard-you-are-you-like-this-why-else-would-you-do-this-to-yourself-THE-CRACKS-ARE-THERE-TO-TORTURE-YOU-AS-SOME-SORT-OF-GREATER-SCHEME-no-that's-stupid-just-avoid-the-cracks-UGH-YOU-TOUCHED-ANOTHER-ONE-fuckfuckfuckfuck-you-know-martial-arts-you-did-ballet-there-is-no-EXCUSE-for-this-TREASON-just-stop-just-make-it-stop-right-now-before-you-get-worse-it-can-always-get-worse-it-always-gets-worse-just-shut-it-off-just-get-to-where-you're-going-it's-going-to-be-fine-FUCK-UGH-NO" is the sort of something I can risk saying out loud if I am going about things against my wishes for too long. I had a time like this when I was stressing out hard in an airport from there being too many fucking cracks and grooves on the fucking floor. They were impossible to avoid, and as time went on I began to get angry at other people for being so oblivious to stepping on them, like they don't even know what they're doing wrong. I saw them as idiots who were personally attacking me from stepping on all of those cracks, as opposed to self-directing it like I should have been doing. It gave me physical tics and made my face caught in a look of stretched rage and terror.
When the narratives start, they just get louder and louder until I have somewhere to release some steam. I used to think it was easier to avoid said triggers, but I saw that playing along with the narrative, whether it was me making mistakes or doing unusually well at avoiding them at my own expense, still made them stronger. I'm better about many of them now from forcing myself to deal with it from time to time, but it still triggers a twitch of sorts. It's like the trigger is pinching my brain the longer I'm forced to deal with it, but thankfully with practice I've been able to reduce the displays and gain a little more of a tolerance.
Triggers, things that induce actual intense rage, for me include inaccurate pseudo-scientific bullshit being passed off as legit. Usually this sort of stuff has large sums of empirical evidence that completely contradicts it and the people spouting it are clearly making things up without conducting any real sort of research (I don't mean lab, but investigating via a reliable source).
Also, psychiatric treatments or the suggestion that I should to return to it. Inpatient psych "care" in particular sends me in to an unfathomable rage. Thinking about it right now makes me want to flip my fucking computer. This trigger has resulted in a lot of unfortunate white-knighting and rage-outs on my part both here and irl. Muh bad.
"I think a lot of the reason I'm asocial is because I'm mortal and witness my life being shortened by other people every single day. It's sickening for others to have that kind of control. People steal time everyday--the most precious thing there is, and nothing comes of it because it isn't tangible."
Just a random thought...do you think these sentiments may be somehow tied to your lack of drive?
"I think a lot of the reason I'm asocial is because I'm mortal and witness my life being shortened by other people every single day. It's sickening for others to have that kind of control. People steal time everyday--the most precious thing there is, and nothing comes of it because it isn't tangible."
This is fucking poetry. I don't say that in a mocking way either. It's brilliant and moving and it's kind of heartbreaking too.