All that's missing is her confused relationship with dom/sadistic tendencies. She sees beauty in them, but also has shown elements of guilt related to what could become an appetite if fed too much.
Buttered Toast:
I am Jack's photographic memory and almost endless capacity for knowledge. I'm effortlessly funny and enjoy engaging in most forms of banter, though I prefer discussions on ideas I haven't explored to from every angle already. I'm one of the most intelligent people here, but I'm not arrogant about that, nor do I look down on others for not being on my same level. I am Jack's need for a distraction that's entertaining enough to keep my brain from eating itself. SC helps with that sometimes.
WW3 stated: source post
'aspie dunce' is closer to my real personality than you think
Not as far as you made it initially seem at least. There's no way.
Buttered Toast stated: source post
How long did these take you to make?
About an hour and a half including revisions.
I chose you because I knew of everyone who's seen my various complexities and struggle these years we've been around each other, you were the most likely to see how I am closest to reality, rather than some misconceptions built around face value observations.
You didn't disappoint at all and I feel grateful to you for letting me see myself through the brilliant mind of someone else for a change.
The only corrections I will make is about my crippling insecurities. I have spent this year away facing those and am growing past them, thereby building up my confidence and trusting myself. The procrastination is not always about my fear of failure, which I only stress because it is important for me to know when it's due to a lack of confidence and when it's more to do with my struggles with ADHD and Aspergers. Because the difference means addressing it with precise methods. If it be a lack of confidence, I choose mindfulness and work through it. If it be attention deficit and frustration from disorganization, I choose the tools I'm learning to use for prioritizing and staying on task.
My life of horror from my past wasn't my only challenge to overcome. This year I've had to finally look at the neurological reasons behind some of my continued struggles, and be honest with myself about them instead of pretending they aren't there, making my life hell and leading to mental exhaustion, dissociation, and burn out, because of energy spent trying to compensate for inability to process information like a neurotypical person would. I didn't want anyone to think I'm not as good as them or that I'm developmentally inferior, which is how I felt every day of my life. Good, but not good enough. Talented, but poorly skilled. Intelligent but uneducated. Analytical, but incapable of understanding simple written instructions, coupled with poor auditory learning. Photographic long term memory, but incapable of remembering past the first few words spoken to me in a sentence.
My learning struggles have largely shaped my past feelings of inferiority far more than the weight of the childhood horror that could have crushed me, had the very same developmental complications not been there to provide me with a shield that is likely more complex than just your run of the mill defense mechanisms.
The last correction I want to make is keeping people at arms length. I used to think it was from lack of trust and general self absorption, but that isn't halways the case. Though people are my favorite puzzles they can easily overwhelm my senses. Touch can feel like fire. Voices can bang against my ears like a car crashing. Eyes can feel intrusive. And because I have to intellectually process everything to understand what I should be doing and saying, and whether or not it looks natural or robotic, people can be a huge energy drain. I don't like to be touched unless on my terms and I don't enjoy small talk. I understand people through patterns. Patterns help me navigate what I can expect from them as I have put myself in danger in the past because of naivety, curiosity, and a lack of trusting my own judgment. But I also have trouble getting close to people because what I need from them in order to be fulfilled is very practical by nature, and can be detrimental to a relationship when something more profound is needed from me. I know how robotic that must sound, and dreadfully boring, but it's a truth about me I've had to face now that all the stress and distractions of life in America has been removed. For example: sex used to be fascinating to me, so I studied it like a science, and became an incredible lover willing to explore and be risky. But sex is no longer an obsession for me. I've explored it to its death. These days I feel more asexual now that the curiosity has left me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know who I am now and it's changed how I feel about myself. I feel confident and no longer feel inferior or go out of my way to compensate for what I lack. Who knew so much could be overcome in such a short amount of time? Thank you for helping me see just how far I've come from the place I once was. <3
You seem to have put effort in, so I'll return effort and respond;
I'm smart, a genius even, and successful to the point of loneliness.
Does loneliness not naturally accompany success and intelligence? How do you feel when the things you say go over the head of 99.9% of the people you encounter?
I like the feeling of power, of feeling desired by others, even if the displays that they show as a result of their awe over me tend to disgust me on some level once I see them as beneath me.
It's not just feeling desired. Even that can be done without. There's the feeling of power that comes from violence that is far greater than anything that any amount of being desired can provide. Channeling that has been of utmost importance the last decade or so.
It's less the awe causing disgust and more about what they allow me to get away with due to it that triggers feelings of contempt.
I find the average person disappointing, boring, so I seek out unusual company to keep myself stimulated that much longer and that much more. When they are no longer interesting to me, I grow bored of them and toss them aside as another average person in favor of a new one, for people are more than easy enough to replace when the time calls for it and I tend to enjoy the discovery of an explorer more than the longevity of a conqueror. I accept that this is a flaw of mine, but I don't see it getting in the way of my lifestyle, so I see no reason to correct it in lieu of continuing the journey to find someone worth my time, someone who can keep me nourished in stimulation long enough to not starve, someone who continues to draw more questions out of me and keep my interest. It will end soon enough, it always does, but I'm not looking for anything too permanent.
Is not too much of anything dulling? The brain responds very strongly to novelty. It would be nice to have someone to keep up, but hedging my bets on anything seems unreasonable and caging. Those that I have intended to keep usually become too exhausted or stressed and leave anyway.
I think I am a sociopath, and have spent the time finding the means to prove it in ways that the other poseurs cannot.
This is where I am going to contest. I don't think of myself as a sociopath but I do find humour in being thought of as one. The same with being called a narcissist. I'm more than capable of planning, far less impulsive, and lack the individual sense of self that sociopaths seem to have. My greatest benefit is being empty and adaptable. I'm not interested in attaching myself to a label anymore than I'm interested in permanently attaching myself to anything.
I think of myself as an alpha, and use my past successes as boasts of proof. Despite this, I like a challenge, someone who pushes me naturally without it being a means of compensation, for such a thing is obvious quickly after getting to know them. I like to feel like we're earning each other while also feeling desired, embraced for the trophy that I am.
A designated partner is not needed for a push or challenge but having one who is in sync makes things more interesting. Challenges can be found everywhere, and in the absence of one, I will create it myself. I am my own trophy.
I don't mind using my appearance and charisma as a weapon, for they are among my many strengths, and enjoy showing off my current object of affection to bolster how I'm perceived despite how those on this forum don't seem to care very much.
It's not that others around care, but that the object of affection cares. Not all are provided with such extreme affections. Not all are worth it. It's really a gain versus effort payoff.
I know that I am special, and while I don't think that I need to prove it I find myself continuing to anyway. As much as it may seem that I am trying to prove myself to you, I am really trying to prove myself to me, so your critiques of me mean nothing when compared to how I view myself.
Proof to myself is really what matters but it's difficult for me to see without open expression due to dulled internal states.
I recognize that there's a deep, inner pain, but I'll find that myself just as I've found everything else thus far, as who knows myself better than I do? That journey is mine to take, and no one else's.
Sometimes pain is one's greatest friend. It's a reminder that one still exists. Where would we be without it?
I'm a strong and intelligent leader with co-dependent needs, but the world is full of boring idiots who aren't worth my time that force me to feel alone, with or without them around me. While the majority of people are easy enough to use to get the things that I want, those wants are nothing compared to finding someone who can see me for who I really am, appreciate who I really am, and have the means to call me out without going too far.
It's needed at times. It's difficult to recognize when I'm crossing lines. I've always had at least one or two around who were able to keep me in check with things. Last time they faltered, I wound up here so...
When crossed, I can take it in stride up to a point, but pass that point and I am another person entirely, a rage-monster of pure vengeance and spite who desires their pain to quell my own, so don't. I have the means to take you down, so don't test me.
I've only passed that point once. I'm not certain if it was more unpleasant for me or for her.
For example: sex used to be fascinating to me, so I studied it like a science, and became an incredible lover willing to explore and be risky. But sex is no longer an obsession for me. I've explored it to its death.
I can't fathom getting bored of a basic necessity like sex. That's like saying food is no longer enjoyable for me, which i've never felt before. I don't just get bored of food or water. that's impossible. i'm sure you'll get your libido back sometime in the future.