by margauxYou have a rich imagination.
God I hate you
Rich? That was pretty fucking brilliant I'd say.
"Then I think about how I've come far enough to recognize when I'm pulling shit I know comes so natural to a psychopath (Yeah, I said it- not that I am one), like the natural tendency to begin deconstructing my friends and lovers subtly and consistently, as I condition them to fall under my control."
The entire world is manipulation, whether it's conscious or unconscious from those people. Why not steer it in ways that work out for both you and them instead of just one or the other? With that they have the potential to thank you for it even (it allows me to enable my behaviors more readily anyway).
Not everyone is against this sort of perspective either, and from my findings, disclosing my traits early filters out those I'd feel the need to play pretend for otherwise (save for occupation and receiving service all that, money changes priorities). Being able to say "Yes, I made you do that" doesn't scare everyone away.
"The almost reflex brain washing I begin to do for the purpose of having them depend on me for their supply of self esteem, while subtly tearing at that esteem because secretly I loath that dependency and the insecurities that would drive someone to give me that kind of power over their mind."
What would happen if you didn't bother to tear at their esteem? If you were surrounded by people who both expect and possess the capability of handling it without changing from it?
"What have they done to me that they would deserve such an abusive form of control? My brain justifies it as them being inferior and weak, so they must be destroyed."
That's kind of wasteful, weak people can be turned into something useful instead of thrown in the furnace with the right pushes.
There's also those who really just have it coming. It's an acceptable indulgence when not doing so would make for worse outcomes.
"So the other side of me is like, "You are your father's daughter when you behave that way.""
That kind of fits the "self-negativity" context barrier a little.
"I think of that little girl I was when he once had my developing mind under his spell, and remind myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong- being helpless and fragile. I loath my father with every fiber of my being. Why would it be OK to emulate that which I inherited from him?"
Except you aren't. He did that to his own child, while you from that experience have the means to pick and choose your targets instead of blindly follow paths like some sort of copy or repress yourself out of self doubt for fearing you're "no different" inside. You are different from having an example of how it could go bad, but that doesn't make all aspects of sadism and doming bad. I'm guessing if you were like him, you wouldn't have seen a reason to control yourself related to it in the first place.
For myself anyway, it's easier to incorporate it into myself and temper it than try to ignore it, as otherwise a part of me remains unfulfilled, nagging, becoming worse off than learning to live and control when and where it happens.
"I work hard... but, not to repress my sadistic need to cause the suffering of others and relish it... I work to deconstruct who I was, and reconstruct something that feels less like a monster to me, so that I can get close to people in a way that I feel is right for everyone; not just them."
How would you respond to someone who loves and adores said monster? It sounds like a lot of your motivations are rooting from how you believe others would respond. In my case, I instead sought company that was fine with it since there's a lot of people out there.
"I say that my sadism is comparable to an element. It doesn't stop when given what is required for it to come into action, for the sake of the human beings it comes into contact with."
Elemental comparison is a tricky one, since it invites the potential to display opposites (ie: Fire/Ice, Wind/Earth), and there's ways in which each of them can be wielded by humans themselves (whether you compare that to mean wielding your own element as a person or people trying to control you). In that sense, I'd say avoid the humans who aim to control what comes natural for you and instead aim for a compatible element to balance you out instead. When I have my supply in a strong enough dose, it does bleed into my personality a bit more from an increased sense of ego, but when I don't have my supply it comes out in... other ways.
"I don't wish to be an element. I am happy being a mortal human- vulnerable and fragile underneath all this armor."
Elements are fragile too, they have things that can make them both stronger and weaker if not protected.
Still, I thought like that back when I was more ashamed of my traits. I'd rather live life "as an element" now than stagnate among blander people who can't stand to let me be myself. As long as it's not breaking any laws and I'm not losing my ability to survive, I'm going to be a stronger me instead of a husk of armor made of masks and pretense.
So what is your criteria for differentiating between one you believe would fulfill the "need" you desire,and say, someone who can mask their sadism well, but who potentially has no "off" button and could cause you very real damage?
Do you simply base it on your feelings at the time?