It gives a sense of fulfilment in different ways, to be completely obedient and know my place (shut up Edvard, that goes for you too Mirage), I also like the struggle before submitting (I said shut it, don't even think about it... And Edvard you shouldn't even read this). And it leaves me so calm and exhausted afterwards. That rewarding feeling, it’s lingering for days :) Not to mention that secure feeling of being owned (I fucking dare you to comment on this).
Like this:
"Why do I fear the loss of all control?"
That is kind of a hard thing to drop. My own perspective is closer to perceiving it as indulging, them trying to live up to my expectations of power to take control from me as I teasingly wave it in front of them. In that sense I don't feel like I've lost control, even though in reality I likely will somewhat somewhere down the line. In a weird sense they're doing what I want as well.
"It takes more strength to master letting go, than it does to be the one holding the whip all the time."
It's kind of intoxicating too. A lot of my life is being stuck as somewhat of a control freak, but in that sort of case there's nothing left for me to try to micromanage beyond focusing on sensation and direction alone (ideally).
That being said, it's kind of the opposite for me. Being the one "holding the whip" seems like a lot of pressure, plus the one on the receiving end likely has so many expectations, while letting go is instead euphoric and freeing, a practice in resilience instead of a pressuring situation of being put on the spotlight with a very expectant audience member. Learning the value of choosing where and when to give a shit is great, and that sort of surrender is good practice when it comes to making relative comparisons, but for the other side of it I feel like I couldn't live up to my own somewhat oppressive standards I impose on others through challenging them if it was me on the giving end, my challenges suddenly becoming a nagging voice while I'm simultaneously worrying about what might be going too far. As is, I think about the other person too much to see leading as freeing, plus any time I'm in a leading situation I fret about how I might be being too strict from seeing other people as too vulnerable.
I know I can take it, but dishing it's an entirely different beast. Topping and spoiling's easy enough, but domming seems like it might be beyond me. My approaches at control are too subtle, indirect, and fear driven to be used bluntly like that.
Master
I've always known that playing master is something I have to be very careful with. I have sadistic traits that should not be allowed free reign in a relationship that is about trust and respect. With Pray, I know I can do this as more of a guide. I've learned some self control in recent years I didn't believe could be possible for me to learn. I feel if you have gained certain tools that helped you gain a better handle on your life, or disordered way of connecting with people- you shouldn't just keep it to yourself. Try to share it in a way that is fun for the other person instead of trying to shove it down their throats.
Pray wants to learn a different way of being in some personal areas of her life, and I have the experience enough to teach her. We have found a method that works best for delivering, because it's not abusive, intrusive, and she's having fun.
But if I were to take to being the master of say, Lycan... there would be real issues that might not be pleasant for him at all.
The reason for that being that he is in a much more intimate relationship with me, and because I am a disordered person- intimacy automatically keeps the darker side of my sadism just a few layers beneath the surface of the skin.
I might not keep to boundaries. In fact... it frightens me when I think about times I've crossed boundaries in a heated moment with a lover. I enjoyed it very much too. Naturally it drove that person away from me, or fueled a more violent desire in my lover to defeat me. The last slave I had was a prime example of how ugly my sadism can be. I wasn't even attracted to her. I was disgusted by her truth be told. She was a bull dike with a massive ego, and she kept trying to manipulate me into having a BDSM relationship with her, since I kept turning her down for a regular relationship. She kept trying to convince me she could be a sub when I knew full well there was no way in hell this narcy cunt could ever be sub to anyone, and told her so.
I finally took her on so that I could fuck her up. I got off on denying her any satisfaction whatsoever. I dangled a rotten carrot in her face and she was still so eager to conquer me, she didn't care to see I wasn't giving her a single thing worth desiring. The first time a let her experience the end of my riding crop, she laughed at first.... until I told her there is no safe word, and proceeded to swat the living shit out of her until it was clear she was in a rage, and was debating whether or not to physically defend herself. The last night we were together she almost got a little rapey with me so I knew I had taken it to a dangerous place and had to sever the tie.
It wasn't easy. I had to brutally chew her up verbally and then shame her in front of her online friends, sending her into a narcissistic rage, then deleted and blocked her. I'm probably lucky I made it out of that unscathed because this was a chick who did time for domestic violence! lol My arrangement with Pray is temporary and is just to open her mind up to a few new ways of dealing with people she gets into turbulent relationships with. It's not sexual and it's not meant to hurt anyone. It's a lead into setting realistic boundaries, and the will to stand behind those boundaries. But it's also a fun way to learn how to stop obsessing, repeating old relationship dynamics, and also how to be mindful of the drive behind destructive acts when dealing with intimacy or denied gratification.
"I have sadistic traits that should not be allowed free reign in a relationship that is about trust and respect."
Tell me more, what would you be like if you let yourself give into those traits and indulge? Who is this "Raven" compared to the you who prefers to keep that part shackled? Are words and body language expressed differently in that mindset?
"The reason for that being that he is in a much more intimate relationship with me, and because I am a disordered person- intimacy automatically keeps the darker side of my sadism just a few layers beneath the surface of the skin."
Sadism isn't intimate for you? What's wrong with indulging in a darker side? There's people out there that likely could live up to your heightened standards of kink, or the person if they're daring enough can try to live up to it.
"I might not keep to boundaries. In fact... it frightens me when I think about times I've crossed boundaries in a heated moment with a lover."
Is it that, or is it closer to others having boundaries that get in the way of your fun? You might be more capable of keeping to said boundaries if the bar is raised high enough. In a heated moment, from either side, it can be a torture of it's own design to have someone who can't keep up.
"She kept trying to convince me she could be a sub when I knew full well there was no way in hell this narcy cunt could ever be sub to anyone, and told her so."
From the sounds of it, she was properly warned beforehand and still wouldn't let up. She sounds like she had it coming and was an ill fit for the role.
"until I told her there is no safe word, and proceeded to swat the livingshit out of her until it was clear she was in a rage, and was debating whether or not to physically defend herself."
How'd that go?
by GhostOfTKsWetPantiesI'll be your sub. But only if it makes TS jealous.
It won't. You and Tryp have has much fun as possible with "dat ass" but i'm sure as shit not interested tyvm.
by EdvardHope you'll keep it up since TK is not here anymore :D
I know she's not is she :( Do you think I should try to bring her back again? The forum loved that last time. Btw, you know my post is just a stupid fucking role play and a play off Tryp and Aurora going back and forth. Calm down buddy the music hasn't even started so we can't start dancing yet.
by PrayforoursinnersYou're starting. No drama or you'll be sorry mister.
How will I be sorry? Tell me what you'd do. Show what your mistress has taught you.