Was he bigger than you? 
This sort of risk happens when you get into Swinging, and some forethought and imagination would have likely conjured that discomfort in advance as a warning. You could have gone in for a three way if not a four way, but I guess you'd need a proper erection to do that.
Now the discomfort's there and all you can do is try to accept it or move on, as otherwise you'll likely hold onto the memories of her exclaiming the sorts of moans of pleasure you once thought belonged only to you as if they were his with each utterance that even remotely resembles it. Triggers suck, but they're a thing.
Moving on's easier, but if it's worth getting over it to stick around's no one's choice but hers and yours. She's likely in a guilt cycle of her own, so staying a mopey limp dicked mess over it risks her moving on herself.
That's not irrational at all. Harry fucked your wife, Owen. All this talk of "you walked into that situation" is wrong, you didn't know what you were walking into. Harry was the man who knew, who best knew what could happen to you, and he failed to tell you. Why?
Many are failing to realize that as a man, Harry has been in your shoes at least once. Why didn't he make sure everything would be okay with you? I would sure as shit make sure of it, anyone else would. Anyone would because anyone understands the emotional risks involved, especially him. Harry isn't emotionally retarded, he understands them too. I asked you why a moment ago, but you already know exactly the answer.
I've never done swinging with anyone, yet I recognize that I'd not like it from something as simple as having a little imagination. With alcohol I'd be even more insecure about it.
Already with the whole looking to his wife for cues instead of speaking up himself he's shown he either too insecure to let his feelings be known, possessed no means of perspective taking whatsoever, or was submissively letting her call the shots. The insecurity behind the selfishness of a relationship isn't uncommon, and isn't hard to imagine scenarios of in advance. He was willing to experiment, he should be willing to face the more than obvious costs of it instead of bitching and moaning that the mistake he made was someone else's fault.
There is nothing wrong with swinging, and he went along with it willingly.
We saw the therapist.
My wife and I are in a scary, curious place; full of desperate love. Or perhaps it is just a dangerous haze of denial.
We surmised that we’d been taken advantage of, Harry and Sally meticulously rolled out a plan to get their rocks off and we had been their victims. The therapist we saw latched onto this.
My wife had been raped in front of me, she said, and I recognized it, hence my terror and trauma and flashbacks. Not only that, but Harry targeted my wife because I was a sensitive and trusting man; because he could, “Do anything he wanted to her and knew you wouldn’t stop him.†I went home devastated.
My wife was positively chipper and I was cramping her style. My prying and desperate attempts to reconnect climaxed with her shouting, finger pointed at me in rage, “I GOT RAPED AND YOU JUST SAT THERE AND FUCKING WATCHED!!â€
I smashed a lounge chair we had on our porch and threw it out into the road. It was one of two lounges we got on our wedding day. It broke my heart to return to the porch and see only one chair. I wanted so much to undo what I’d done to the chair, we loved sitting in these chairs together on the porch. I ruined it. And her. Because I didn’t just sit there and watch, I facilitated and encouraged the whole thing.
I love her so very much. She feels the same about me. She's also terrified, and going though a lot of shame and disgust that she doesn't deserve. We're getting better. I asked her not to go to sleep tonight because last night was hard for me. Shes downing coffee like no ones business. Its cute. We're in a horrible, curious place; its full of fear, but also full of desperate love.
so u culdnt get it up with a stranger but with ur wife no problem ?
dont worry your wife will love u for it
so ur wife enjoyed having sex with a stranger but u didnt ?
only a problem if u allow it to be
this is a problem of attitudes & traditional gender roles
up to u if its gonna break ur marriage or not
We have been talking for hours.
My wife said it wasn’t rape because, “When it was hot, it was hot.†and raised the question of a threesome with her and another woman. I put a shotgun in my mouth an hour later. My brain has never been so split in two. I truly believed that both my wife had been raped and I sat back and watched, and that my wife had been unfaithful and dishonest.
I phoned an emergency helpline. The counselor assured me I wasn’t crazy and encouraged me to talk with my wife about what happened, that there was truth to be found. It didn’t take long.
My wife admitted she was interested in Harry beforehand. She noticed him noticing her the last time we got together and played cards. The night of the foursome he’d asked for permission to enter her in a whisper, she granted it to him.
I wanted to leave her then and there but I couldn’t. She was crying so hard, she said she didn’t know how much her deception was hurting me. She didn’t know what she was doing. The counselor told me to get the shotgun out of the house. I emptied it, the shells popped out on the bed we’d moved into the living room for me. It spooked my wife. I thought I was okay but I laid on the couch and my wife couldn’t find me. She was blurry and I was more catatonic than I’ve ever been in my life. She was holding my face and trying to get a better angle. She started crying. “Where are you!? Where are you?! You look like an old person! DID YOU TAKE THAT BOTTLE OF ZOLOFT!?!†I didn’t.
I came out of it evntually and now I don't know what to think.
Ok, personally I think this is a made up story but I'll play along.
First off, I don't think the friends should get all the blame. They were used to this sort of stuff and probably too young and oblivious of the impact it can have on others. Plus, the moment they found out you disliked it they left.
Secondly, your issue clearly wasn't you not wanting to fuck the Sally, but Harry fucking your wife. I get that perfectly, and this is why I wouldn't allow a woman I care about have sex with another man, in front of me nonetheless. It's natural to be possessive and teritorial this way, but it's not natural to just sit there and do nothing about it. You should have stopped it the moment you sensed something was wrong, interrupted what Harry and your wife were doing and asked Harry to leave. Instead you just whined about it to Sally.
Anyway, now that the deed is done take it as a lesson and move on. You are really not handling this well, getting this emotional about it. You're acting more like a pussy instead of a man, and I suspect your wife needs a real man instead of this emotional wreck that you are. How your marriage goes rests on your shoulders entirely from now on. Do you care enough about your wife to find some manhood in yourself and get over it? If not, no wonder your wife is willing to turn her interest towards other men.