First of all, I'm not a sociopath, but I lurk here sometimes and I'd really apreciate your advise.
We recently moved to a new town and we only have a couple friends and we'd known this couple for about a year, and we'd hung out with them maybe five or six times. I'll call them Harry and Sally. Last night we decided to go sing karaoke at a bar with Harry and Sally and at about 1a.m., when we were all lit, the Harry said he and Sally enjoy "extracurricular activities" and asked me if we'd like to partake. I told him my wife and I like to try new things and might be interested, but it's something we'd have to talk about sober.
We took a cab back to our place, where they'd planned to stay since the beginning of the night. It went normal enough at first, we made drinks, popped popcorn, etc. But Sally was drunk and a wild women. All pretenses of them being swingers and us not, and of my wife not knowing - were out the window. Sally was talking about how much she loves sucking cock and whatnot. Now, my wife likes women, and when they first brought it up I stayed quiet - I was ok with doing it but I wanted my wife to say so. She told Sally she wants her but doesn't care about the boys, and asked to go to the bedroom. Sally said right here is more fun and they started making out and taking off each others clothes. Harry and I were sitting on the floor. I was watching and enjoying it. Sally told Harry to take off his clothes, he started to, I looked at my wife, she nodded for me to do the same. She looked confident and unafraid. They "fell" on the floor (Sally was trying to bring the party to everyone). Then we moved to the bedroom.
My wife was kissing all over Sally. I got beneath my wife and started eating her out. Sally started giving me head, my wife started giving Harry head, and it had started, we were all having fun. It was exciting. Then, and I'm not exactly sure of the logistical details, Harry is having sex with my wife. Neither Sally and I are touching them. I go soft, and feel scared, but my wife is enjoying herself, so I try to show Sally a good time too. I'm not having fun anymore. I'm trying not to look at them and focus on Sally. She can see it in my face, "You want your wife don't you." I do. But do nothing. Harry finishes but the night continues without skipping a beat. I'm doing this all wrong now. I can only get hard for my wife, then not at all. But I stagger on. Later I'm fore playing with Sally and my wife and Harry are doing the same, behind and perpendicular to me at the head of the bed. I'm still distracted, soft. I hear my wife, "Fuck me. Please fuck me." Then I can feel them going behind me.
My heart is breaking, Sally is kind of oblivious. I'm sucking her nipples, trying to get in the spirit, but eventually I just kind of collapse on her. I push my face up against hers hard, cheek to cheek and up against her neck, the same way I do when I feel a lot of love for my wife. I kiss her desperately, the way I do when I'm feeling passionate for my wife. But she doesn't kiss like my wife or feel like my wife. I want so much for Sally to make me feel better with her presence, make me feel safe and loved the way my wife does; because my wife is fucking someone behind me and I can feel her body getting thrusted back and fourth against my feet and I can hear her moans. But Sally can't make me feel better that way. I apologize to Sally and cling to her tight. I'm going to cry. I apologize to Sally for my limp dick. She's kind. Sally is a wonderful, kind woman really. I whisper, "This is hurting me. I'm scared." "Its hurting you?" "I'll remember whats happening right now forever." She tells me I'm a good man and that I'm sweet, then gets up and whispers something to Harry. They make haste to the guest bedroom. I tell my wife I'm sorry, and that I never expected that to happen. I didn't know I'd react that way. She says its ok and that I need to fuck her to get it out of my head. She's drunk. She doesn't realize I'm in a lot of pain. I lay on the ground. I can't be in that spot. She keeps telling me to go up there and I say I can't right now. She just kept saying to come up there and fuck her.
I got up and went to the store to buy a pack of cigarettes. I quit three weeks ago. : (
I sat on the porch smoking them until Harry and Sally woke up. Harry had to be somewhere early. I called my best friend, he lives far away, over and over but he didn't pick up. I texted him "Please pick up. I need ya right now man." "Please pick up." "Please help me." I relived the painful moments over and over. I wondered if things would ever be the same. Are we going to get a divorce. Was he better at sex than me. Did he make her come harder. Does she still love me? I want to burn that bed. I'll never do karaoke again. I want to shave my head. Will I still love her? Bash my head against the wall. Burn the whole fucking house down.
I want to lay down and die. All kinds of irrational and confused thoughts. I went upstairs to talk to my wife. She still wasn't with it enough to realize I was in trouble, but Harry and Sally did. When I came out they had left, they must've heard me. I jumped in the car and found them about two blocks away, walking back to the bar. I picked them up. It was awkward but not too bad. I like them a lot and they are good people. I was able to be a little funny, and make sure they didn't feel too bad. I don't feel like I can be friends with them anymore though.
I went up stairs and my wife was starting to understand. She didn't even realize Sally and I didn't actually fuck. My wife told me I needed to fuck her. Show me she's mine. It was hard and angry sex. It didn't make me feel better. We talked about things a bit more. I went back and forth from reasonable, rational conversation about what happened, to catatonic hurt, with my face in my hands seeing Harry fuck her in my mind, hearing her beg him for it, feeling like the life had gone out of me.
I asked my wife, if I could've handled it, if I could handle it, was it something that she would want to keep doing. She said yes. It was fun.
I don't know where to put these images of her. I don't know what to do with these feelings. I'm scared for what will happen to us. We love each other very much, but my heart keeps getting broken over and over. I can't distract myself. I can't put things in a perspective that doesn't hurt. I know no ones to blame and no one did anything wrong per se. But it won't stop flashing into my head and crushing me and emptying me out. I can't get it to stop.
What did I do to us? I feel like its all my fault somehow. What do I do now? Help me understand this