Sociopath Community

Sorry to hear you may have cancer, I hear cancer isn't fun.

by Gypsy

But this is different. It's not an adreneline-fuelled, split-second confrontation. It will be slow. You'll have time to think, lots of time. People will want to talk to you about it. You'll start reading stuff and lurking on cancer forums where people are talking about regrets etc. You will confront your own life, it's inevitable.

I'm not afraid of dying and I have no regrets, so if I do have cancer, then I'll deal with it. There are worse ways to die.

I don't think I have cancer anyway. The first time my doctor checked my breast, he said he thinks it could just be a Fibroadenoma, and the radiologist (who I persuaded to tell me after the mammogram) thinks it could be that as well.

You're contradicting yourself here. If you truly live in the moment and you want something, then you just fucking take it NOW. Because this moment is all we really have. The past is gone and the future may not happen, so if you wanted to go on that road trip so bad then you'd just pack your bags today.

I'm not that desperate to go on a road trip. Besides, I don't own a car and I'm not planning on traveling around on my motorcycle. Though, I've thought about it, but a car is definitely better for all weather conditions.

There is never a 'good' time for anyone to say fuck the world and go do whatever they want, and if you're waiting for some time in the future where your to do list is empty and your responsibilities are over, then you'll be dead and buried before you do anything with your life.

If someone with a car approached me and asked me to go on a road trip with them, I would definitely consider dropping everything and doing it, but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

You know there are schools that will do that for free, right? Even if the special snowflake has some problems there, she needs to learn to deal. Because she's presumably gonna have to go out into the real world and relate to people at some point, you can't protect her from that, unless you want her living with you forever. Which I think you do, because you are afraid of living your life, and she is the perfect excuse to hide behind.

I have no idea what you're going on about here. My daughter will be finishing school at the end of this year. So, I really don't see any point in changing her schooling at the moment. Everything is fine the way things are.

I don't know where you got the idea that I'm trying to protect my daughter from the real world or that I want her to live with me forever. When she is capable of supporting herself and is ready to leave home, then I will be encouraging her to do exactly that.

How old is she anyway? 16? She's basically and adult. Lot's of parents absolve themselves of responsibility at this point. I was living independently at 16 and I can't say it did me any harm.

Yes, she is 16, turning 17 soon. I was out of home by 17, but I'm a lot different from my daughter. I was more independent than she is and I didn't have the anxiety issues she has. Besides, I was basically kicked out. So, I really didn't have much choice in the matter.

Also, if she's still studying at 16 then she must be taking some kind of special exams, yeah? No offence, but I'm surprised you have the qualifications to teach that.

Home schooling itself doesn't require any qualifications. The exams are done in front of an invigilator at a pre-arranged location, who then collects them and sends them to the appropriate distance ed teachers for marking. They then send her results back to us.

In any case, the thing that would provide the best education of all would actually be going out and seeing something of the world. Why not take her with you? It's not like either of you have anything keeping you where you are. When I was a kid we never lived in the same place more than 8 months, and honestly it was better than any formal education I've ever had. She could still take her books and study while you're on the road. What's holding you back?

My daughter has no interest in going on a road trip. She just wants to get married and settle down one day and I look forward to the day she can do that, because then I will finally have some time to myself. In the meantime, we just have to make the most of our current situation.

"I was more independent than my daughter is and I didn't have the anxiety issues she has."

Anxiety issues?

"Yes, she is 16, turning 17 soon"

Hm, shouldn't she be around 17-18 by now?

I feel a lot of sadness coming from your most recent posts, tk. You've lost your edge.

She has social anxiety and selective mutism. I'm not sure why she has it because I've never experienced it myself.

I've read some info on it to try and understand what she's going though, but I just can't relate.

I've taken her to a psychologist in the past, but she was so anxious that she refused to talk to the psychologist and wouldn't stay in the room without me, which was frustrating. So, after awhile I quit taking her.

by Thrill Kill

She has social anxiety and selective mutism.

 Wow, I'm sorry to hear that. I watched a documentary on selective mutism once, it seems kind of serious. Do you think she is growing out of it as she gets older? How do you think she will cope once she has to leave home and get a job?

by Thrill Kill

 I'm not afraid of dying and I have no regrets, so if I do have cancer, then I'll deal with it.

That's good to hear. I've always thought it's better to regret the things you did than the things you didn't do, but that's an attitude which has led me to some bad decisions, so it sounds like you're being very sensible. 

I'm not that desperate to go on a road trip.

Yeah, I guess half the battle is knowing what you want. I hate the feeling when there's nothing I want that bad; I always have to be aiming for something and pursuing it. What (or who) was the last thing you wanted really, really badly? 

Home schooling itself doesn't require any qualifications. The exams are done in front of an invigilator at a pre-arranged location, who then collects them and sends them to the appropriate distance ed teachers for marking. They then send her results back to us.

Still, that's a lot of sacrifice on your part. It can't be easy learning about then teaching all those different subjects she must have to study.

My daughter has no interest in going on a road trip. She just wants to get married and settle down one day

 
I think most girls do at that age. My own mother, despite being the most empathetic person on earth, would have said tough shit it's time to move on. I'm glad you've got a more caring attitude than that.

Do you think that you are trying to be the kind of mother you would have wanted as a child, kind of like making your daughter a better version of yourself? Or to make up for your bad childhood, so she doesn't have to go through what you did?

by Gypsy

by Thrill Kill

She has social anxiety and selective mutism.

 Wow, I'm sorry to hear that. I watched a documentary on selective mutism once, it seems kind of serious. Do you think she is growing out of it as she gets older? How do you think she will cope once she has to leave home and get a job?

 It is still a big issue in her life, so at this stage, I really have no idea how she'll cope.

What (or who) was the last thing you wanted really, really badly? 

The only thing I have ever really wanted badly (when the urge to do it is strong) is kill people.

There are times were I really wish I didn't have a desire to commit murder, because dealing with the urges really frustrates me at times.

Still, that's a lot of sacrifice on your part. It can't be easy learning about then teaching all those different subjects she must have to study.

Well, it's better than going to regular welfare meetings at the the high school she was attending before I took her out of school. She refused to do her work, she was rude to the teachers at times and got herself suspended for fighting. The principle had to bring in a liason officer to help deal with the problem, and there was talk at the time that I could end up going to court over it.

Home-schooling has erased a lot of those problems.

Do you think that you are trying to be the kind of mother you would have wanted as a child, kind of like making your daughter a better version of yourself? Or to make up for your bad childhood, so she doesn't have to go through what you did?

No. I'm not exactly the best role model for parenting because I don't like the responsibility, I hate routine and I don't have much patience.

In some ways my mother was a better parent than me and in other ways she was worse.

That all sounds very difficult to cope with.

The picture you paint of your daughter is kinda contradictory though - on the one hand she's rude to teachers and getting into fights, and on the other she has severe social anxiety and selective mutism. Did the anxiety problems only start after you took her out of school?

If killing people is the only thing you've ever really wanted, yet you haven't done it, you must be being modest when you say you have issues with impulse control. I have quite good self-control, but if there was only one thing I'd ever wanted badly I think I would have done it by now whatever the consequences. Where do you think this urge to kill comes from? Anger? What do you do to control these impulses?