More credibility than you?
Believe me, I've been in both the saboteur and the sabotaged positions, even a closest friend can't make some relationships budge.
It sounds like you were pretty harshly "Friend-Zoned". Keeping the role up of devotee only makes that definition stronger. You probably look more like a big brother figure than someone romantic, especially when combined with the childhood context.
Edvard: "If she was aware of the huge power tilt in her favor, ofc she perceived you as a weak male. Women smell that sort of desperation on a man."
Men "smell" it too. It's very unappealing unless you are looking for an underfoot figure.
"You were too eager, too available to keep her interested. Women love a good chase also"
This. So much this. A submissive person still wants to feel like it was earned, even if they're receiving instead of pursuing. If it's made too easy it loses it's passion (or it at least the passion becomes one sided). A gold medal given for winning outclasses a prize given for participation, even if the difference is all in their heads.
by SystematicIt's not that I can't participate in others activities, more of that I don't want to.
As for being a stalker, at times it can make you the happiest person or depressed depending on how your relationship with your person of intrest is. For example, one day I woke up to a "good morning" text, that included a picture of her and her hopes that I have a successful day. I drafted that message and that was 2 years ago. It's still there. When you care for someone that much, a simple sentence from them can blind you with happiness.
On the other hand, being a stalker will make life miserable. I had a tedious surveillance routine that included checking her facebook, twitter and tumblr 3 times a day. I also screened her closer friends and relatives once a day to gain insight on any problems she may not be so forthcoming about. I texted her once every 23 days, just to keep my name floating in her head and to gain long term credibility. I would even date some of her friends simply to get closer to her and that within itself requires another set of background checks and relations.
All of this work and then you realize it's been 4 years and that all of this will amount to nothing. The fact that when I die my last thoughts will be of her and she won't even think anything of it besides the loss of a distant friend. The fact that I am physically, mentally and financially superior to any man she has dated but yet I can only watch. The simple fact that she is everything to me and yet I am nothing to her. the fact that when I'm old and gray, I'll still be here.
The best way to summarize this is to a stockbroker who has sold everything he has and will ever have for this share that is constantly sinking and he is just riding it out because he can't afford the loss.
Wow. This way of thinking is like something from another planet. There might actually be some weirdos out there who think the way you phrased that sounds romantic, but it's depressing as hell.
Now, I'm hopelessly naïve when it comes to matters of genuine emotional intimacy, but I always imagined being 'in love' as seeing a person entirely objectively, faults and uncomfortable bits included, and choosing to enjoy them anyway. You seem to have idolised this woman to the point where all traces of humanity were removed; you may as well have chosen an actual object for your infatuation. To a certain extent I can understand pursuing a person as a prize to be won, but that doesn't even seem to be your goal.
Do you think you are afraid of getting close to people? Perhaps you are, subconsciously, setting yourself targets who are out of reach because you don't want to, or are afraid to, deal with a real relationship.
I understand my faults. I was completely engulfed in desperation, I really couldn't blame her for getting tired of me. Everyone likes a challenge.
As for the Marine Corps, I went through 6 months of training and then went to the reserves. Which means I train now 5 days out of the month. Other than that I'm working twelves in a dead end factory that at least pays decent.
Your completely right when you said I'm still obsessed with her. If you think this is bad, year 1-2 was the worst of it. I'm glad I have some control over it now, back then I did not even see my infatuation as wrong.
The connection we shared when we dated was mutual at one point, perhaps I'm romanticizing the whole thing. I wouldn't put it past myself.
My ego is part of what's driving me, there's no fucking way that I'm just giving up 4 years of investment. The fact that if I were to die right now, she'd be in my thoughts. I can't help but pursue her, however I now have a better alternative. Instead of trying to be in a relationship, I watch, guide and advise her through life's problems. It's allowed me the connection I need with her while still being able to focus on myself. This is where I have been from year 3 to the present. I accept the "big brother" title over what I had.
I don't want to be here. It's a never ending burden I'm forced to bear. Believe it or not I broke away from her twice, didn't speak or stalk her for 6 months, only to have her contact me and restart the cycle. That was a hard day for me.
Thankfully she's completely bound by morality and would never use me.
"My ego is part of what's driving me, there's no fucking way that I'm just giving up 4 years of investment."
Would you rather give up more years? Over an obsession?
I'd advise letting go entirely. At least for the moment, leaving communications open with your "target" presents a risk to your current relationship. Why threaten relapse?
I'll put forth another conscious effort to seperate myself from her. All this discussion about her she walked into my dreams last night.
I'll call her one more time, ask how her new car is. I helped in picking it out.
Thanks not just to you but for everyone for their opinions, I've told myself all of this before. Sometimes you need to hear it from an outside source for the concept to take root. Don't be surprised if I take some time off here, but before that I'll leave you with this gem.