Jones,
I disagree. I Think perhaps she is scared and does not understand why this is happening.
by SystematicI understand my faults. I was completely engulfed in desperation, I really couldn't blame her for getting tired of me. Everyone likes a challenge.
As for the Marine Corps, I went through 6 months of training and then went to the reserves. Which means I train now 5 days out of the month. Other than that I'm working twelves in a dead end factory that at least pays decent.
Your completely right when you said I'm still obsessed with her. If you think this is bad, year 1-2 was the worst of it. I'm glad I have some control over it now, back then I did not even see my infatuation as wrong.
The connection we shared when we dated was mutual at one point, perhaps I'm romanticizing the whole thing. I wouldn't put it past myself.
My ego is part of what's driving me, there's no fucking way that I'm just giving up 4 years of investment. The fact that if I were to die right now, she'd be in my thoughts. I can't help but pursue her, however I now have a better alternative. Instead of trying to be in a relationship, I watch, guide and advise her through life's problems. It's allowed me the connection I need with her while still being able to focus on myself. This is where I have been from year 3 to the present. I accept the "big brother" title over what I had.
I don't want to be here. It's a never ending burden I'm forced to bear. Believe it or not I broke away from her twice, didn't speak or stalk her for 6 months, only to have her contact me and restart the cycle. That was a hard day for me.
Thankfully she's completely bound by morality and would never use me.
She contacted you after you stopped the stalking for a while. She's obviously getting smth out of this. If you change nothing, she'll continue to enjoy this from a safe distance as she has for years. She's content with you as her distant fan and nothing more. I say "distance" because I can't blame her if she's too creeped out by your obsession to (re)start anything serious with you. If you take that attention away maybe she'll have her pride hurt and...I don't know. Do smth, act. You're both stuck in this shitty stalemate and maybe rocking the boat a little will make at least one of you come to some enlightening realizations about your situation.
So basically you're just a pathetic little lap dog she keeps around to help pick out cars and carry her shopping while the real men get to have a go on her. Obviously none of her boyfriends have felt at all threatened by you seeing as they're ok with you two maintaining contact, which is strange considering you're superior to them in every way. I bet they lie in bed together laughing about what a fucking loser you are hahaha. How can your ego be driving you to do something so pathetic? This woman has already rejected you twice so clearly the only results you're going get from continuing with this pointless endeavour is another 5 years wasted. If she knows just how unhealthily obsessed you are but still calls you up whenever you try to break contact, she must enjoy stringing you along. If you had any self respect you would just give up. But seeing as you're already aware of everything that's wrong with what your doing but continue regardless I don't see that happening. Mabye suicide is your best option.
Your overlooking it.
I don't spend money on her, she'd never ask in the first place.
The men she dated had no idea I existed, occasionally I befriended them but they had no conception of my relationship with her. Neither did she know I was getting information out of them.
As for her sex life it's vacant. You see, one of the reasons I obsess over this woman is because she carries herself differently than the promiscuous, gutter whores I see walking around. I was her longest relationship, which lasted 3-4 months. Outside of myself she's dated 3 others within 5 years.
She doesn't know the extent of my obsession, she only knows I care enough to check up on her.
As for her contacting me, she went through a difficult time in her life and needed advice from someone she knew would turn her to the right direction.
I'm not going for a relationship with her, I'm slowly backing off while still maintaining occasional contact with her. You understand how nicotine patches work right?
I'd feel more than happy to clear up any other misconceptions you may have.
I am only getting a few things from all of what you said, and the following are glaringly obvious:
-She is using you
-You have focused on someone else to become your happiness instead of finding your own. (aka you are lost)
No amount of stalking, I don't care about the subcategories, is less toxic than the other. In all cases you are dealing with a nrcissistic weak minded individual who has managed to convince themselves that what they are doing needs to be done, and is the best for whomever is involved.
My suggestion: Move on. The only reason you break weak every time is because you don't want to. Just like any codependent, the fear of a life riddled with emptiness is what you think awaits for you, and it is so much easier to always have that living, reacting, focus. I think you keep your distance because it is easier to make up how your lives will work out for you. None of this is real.
Homechic: She is using you. You are safe, and always there, and she has become dependent on that. She has no need to make it more than that because you aren't demanding anything, and she is comfortable with that. She will only contact you when she feels she is losing this hold on you, and she will spoon feed you enough sugar to revamp your body with the sucrose it has been lacking. This is a pattern that won't change on her end because it doesn't have to. The ball is in your court.
This whole thread may have opened your eyes a little, but I think it was all uneccessary. You know what you need to do, you have always known. Any stalker understands the pathetic level of low and dependency (as well as control) that they have reached in losing sight of reality and becoming obsessed with an idea. They hold on to these ideas because they are afraid to face the truths of their own faulty character. Only in accepting your level of pathetic, and realizing the "focus's" amount of control over you, can you move on. Would you rather be weak? Or would you rather learn some self control, take some responsibility, and put these efforts towards something more tangible. As often as you claimed to be the best at everything for her (which is bullshit because you could never know, you aren't her) you manage to contradict your "greatness" by being this deplorable desperate creature.
The thing about nicotine patches is that they don't really work, they're just an excuse to continue the habit. The best way to quit for good is by going cold turkey. Admit it, if she called right now and asked to get back together you'd drop everything and come running. You said just a few posts back that you're still completely obsessed with her. The only reason you're not making your true feelings clear is because your two failed attempts at a relationship have caused you to view her as unattainable. You know she doesn't want you and it tears you up inside. You also know that if she knew the full extent of your obsession she wouldn't even want you as a friend. You befriending her boyfriends to discover the inner workings of their relationships just shows how jealous and pathetic you are. Why you'd waste so much time on this fridgid bitch in the first place goes beyond me. What makes you think you're entitled to anything better than a dirty "gutter whore"? You're a creepy stalker with a dead end factory job.