Hi,
so after quite a lot(aye a lot a lot can't walk straight) of booze I've finaly decided to post an introduction about myself, possibly to be a member of discussions and stuff, mostly a reader, though.
By an accident, I've come across this website via google, in hope to get to know myself a little more. I've had some good readings and decided to stay for a bit, as people here seem to have more of valuable opinions and understanding (well, sometimes, some trolls are everywhere).
Let me share a little bit about myself. Even though english is not my mother-language, I hope it will be clear enough.
I've turned 19 a week ago, and I've found out I'm most possibly a sociopathic person a month ago. I always knew I'm different than others, my childhood sucked and whatever being a teenager is about sucked too. I suppose I've had emotions before, they were dim, weaker than those I've observed on others, but I haven't been able to tell the difference. The thing is, I've never got to know my father, I've grown up with my mother. I have a sister 3 years older than me, but she's been living aside since my age of 15. My mother and I have had a decent relationship, we've been friendly to each other, fond of each other, whatsoever, one day, though, she managed to turn everything upside down. She tried to turn me into someone else than I am, and let's face the fact, being a sociopathic person she failed miserably both intelectualy and mentaly at it, she failed to change my nature. I've had a shallow past, bullied at elementary school for outsmarting other kids, having different opinions, I've had emotions back then, though. I've tried my best to blend with the rest of students at high school. I've made some buddies, but nothing was more in depth than just school. I've realized I've basicaly been manipulating them into being my friends to have easier times in school, nothing else apart from school stuff, though. I suppose most of the time it was subconscious, I never knew or planned to use them, I thought it's normal.
My mother never knew what's going on in my brain, but she tried to change something she didn't know into something else and failed. We've broken up, she's abandonned me at 18, while attending high school. She denies me of being related to her, while I never understood the reason behind all of this. I've been nice to her, I've done what I could to be a good kid. Couldn't change who I am though, I have hard times studying hence I don't care about anything at all, not even myself.
I've been on my own since 18, attending high school and after that having a part-time job to make my living. In my country, you don't earn much. I care about my looks, so I regularly buy new clothes and stuff. Apart from that a lot of money goes to drinking, smoking, doing shit. I've been depressed since my childhood, having no reason to live for, no hobbies, nothing. I thought of commiting a suicide a lot of times, I've had a lot of schemes, I've never managed to stick to the plan though, as my attention, mind set and priorities change a lot. One day you think of spending the rest of money to have fun and finish it all, the other day you decide to give it a shot and change yourself. I've only found 2 reasons to live for, grow up for, the girls. I can't explain how or why, but those 2 girls had some kind of a spark that was keeping me on, they were the reason I wanted to keep going. The truth is, I've failed at both, and never even kissed either of them. The rest of them, I can greatly admire the beautiness and all, but I can't ever feel anything to them. I could to those 2, though, they were somehow different.
That being said, I'm living my life in depression, I haven't accomplished anything, I've failed at pursuing the love(s) of my life. I've failed at education (the school system is one big pile of shit and non-sense I just can't stand). I have no vision of my future. What I can do, nowadays spared of all the emotions that I've had (MOST of them absolutely wrong, bad) is to understand the feelings of others. I can very well imagine the feelings of anyone, both genres, activity, relationships, understandings, sex, pretty much anything. I don't have any trouble faking emotions. I am capable of faking a real life.
The question is, what for? There is nothing to keep me going. There is noone to keep me motivated. I have no feelings anymore, I don't care about anything at all and most of all, I don't care about myself. I don't care whether I end up on street or I graduate and make some living. I just can't give a crap about anything.
-- O wait, funny thing, as I'm writting this my best friend I've ever had just told me he's sick of me acting weird and treating others who care about me like shit. --
So yet again, I'm looking for someone who has the experience/ideas as to how to resolve my life issue here. How can a nihilistic loner person without friends give a reason to his existence?
No friends, no family, no hobbies, no reasons. A birthday? Not even a single "happy birthday" from anyone but my grandmother that I live with right now.
And so, I'm reaching out to this community, to you, familiar with my nature, to help me out here. I'm on the edge and I'd like to give my living a reason. Self-diagnosing myself a sociopathic person a month ago, labeling myself, has only lead me to limiting my capabilities. What I'd like to know, is there anybody else suffering from similar issues, being nihilistic about life?
Also, is it possible that someone has developed his sociopathic traits due to his life experience, and is it possible to "dim" your emotions, from shallow to none? Maybe to defend his own self from mental suffering that has been there from the beginning to the end?
To be more concrete, I've spent half of a year anytime I could apart from school and work drinking and smoking weed to escape the reality, could be possibly a reason why my feelings have gone. I don't miss them at all. It's just depressions/nihilism now, which is better than feeling completely and utterly covered in shit, like it was.
I'm looking forward to contructive replies. I've only told this to 2 people, one of them just got sick of me, the other one we don't meet in person, we just discuss stuff, he gets an objective opinion and understanding while I get his understanding and courage to go on, it's a weird relationship really. As of now, he's my only friend that's left, and we don't even meet (we used to work together though so we're not far away).
Might it be, in the morning I will deem this topic a stupid shit out of drinking, might it be I will find some valuable and insightful replies.
Right now, I may look like an athletic sporty optimistic guy with life full of surprises and praise, clever, charming, understanding, listening, blah blah so on. The truth is it's just a mask and under the mask I'm a giant fucking shit and I know it. Don't push the trollish luck though, I can bash back.