Sociopath Community

Turncoat said: 

Whorechata said: 

Obsess over them more, loathe thyself, ruminate over why you aren't good enough and then finally lower your standards.

What's the worst you've found yourself accepting from lowering the bar? 

 From them or myself?

Turncoat said: 

AlmightyJim said: 

Turncoat said: 

chimpi said: 

step 1: understand that you've lost this person as a potential partner forever

You don't re-date exes? 

Sounds like a terrible idea.

Well yeah, for you. 😋

Yep. I went back into my past and saw leaving people who were normal and shit, I don't make the best choices

I try to remain friends with my exes, and have a dating history with each of them spanning minimum one year. Re-dating makes sense, especially if what we split up over in the first place doesn't last. 

How do you tell the difference between "I went around and you are the best" and "I went around and you are the only one who'd have me"?

First, it shows that you are a revolving door and easy access, it also betrays lack of options.

I'd figure that it'd demonstrate attachment, issues with letting go, moreso than a lack of options. I usually get 'lack of option' vibes more from people who have no one. 

It signals to them that they are the best you can get, which makes them think if they can do better, even if it's not so. Someone else can appear better than you just by being less invested than you are.

Second, it is not going to have the same taste as you both have met other people (hopefully) and you will see each other's defects even more now.

You say defects, I say quirks. 

No one comes out of this without defects, it's more of a matter of synergy. 

I am talking about things that do not flip your switches, some thing are also pluses for me when they should not be. (Neediness, trauma etc)

They will think of what they could have / get instead of you, you are the secure safe convenience, not the hard to reach juicy apple.

This more betrays your desire for the chase, that's not really me. 

As long as you are ok with being the practical choice rather than the emotional choice, I don't see the issue either. 

step 2: understand that they are not unique 

Relatively speaking they kinda are. 

So is everyone.

While generally true, whoever you dated in a serious sense will hold a more distinctive place in your mind, every little feature magnified by comparison to some everyman. Them doing something 2% differently from another will mean more from how much that difference has imprinted onto you, over how likely you are to notice that how others do it isn't like how they did it. 

It's a matter of sentimentality. 

 Maybe it's a matter of me but, every person I date is someone I can never find again and that is unlike anyone else, until I meet someone else. It is true that some people have distinguished features, but then others have things that fulfill you in a certain way etc.

I think it's good to stay excited about the potential things you can find in someone new.

Whorechata said: 

Turncoat said: 

Whorechata said: 

Obsess over them more, loathe thyself, ruminate over why you aren't good enough and then finally lower your standards.

What's the worst you've found yourself accepting from lowering the bar? 

 From them or myself?

Them. 

AlmightyJim said: 

I try to remain friends with my exes, and have a dating history with each of them spanning minimum one year. Re-dating makes sense, especially if what we split up over in the first place doesn't last. 

How do you tell the difference between "I went around and you are the best" and "I went around and you are the only one who'd have me"?

By paying attention to them.

If it's not otherwise obvious through their displays of attachment or their body language and moods, it's likely to be embedded in the things they find themselves talking about. I personally see it more about learning the individual's patterns for gauging if they're settling or actually into it, though. 

Those I've been with never really struggled to get dates, and my masochism and personality didn't seem to be quick to replace. It's led to a history of exes becoming friends with benefits, and from our former time spent together we already know the things the other likes with a practiced hand for it. I never really had to question if I was 'the best', it's more been about seeing what remains when the honeymoon phase fades, with at most room to compare from hearing hilarious horror stories about people they tried to be with who 'couldn't take the pain' like I could. 

When it comes to my finding an other, it's about finding a life partner, or at least someone to coexist with, rather than a distraction from my own loneliness. I want someone I can learn and read into while they do it back at me rather than see them purely as a utility, the 'human interest' angle. 

First, it shows that you are a revolving door and easy access, it also betrays lack of options.

I'd figure that it'd demonstrate attachment, issues with letting go, moreso than a lack of options. I usually get 'lack of option' vibes more from people who have no one. 

It signals to them that they are the best you can get, which makes them think if they can do better, even if it's not so.

So... your angle is to have them never question if they could do better? That question is inevitable, what matters is how they answer that question. 

When you both have the room (and ability) to date other people before considering coming back to each other, it shows that both people are not otherwise without the means of supply, that it's not just thirst solely. Rather than it showing that it's the 'best they can get', it's demonstrating them making a choice over others they could be with. 

Someone else can appear better than you just by being less invested than you are.

Yet the good listener seems to have the advantage, as long as their thirst doesn't betray them ala 'nice guys'. 

Genuine investment is the gold standard, while playing the game of investment as a means of trade or manipulation will typically have less longevity. People like to feel heard, especially if they aren't used to it. 

Second, it is not going to have the same taste as you both have met other people (hopefully) and you will see each other's defects even more now.

You say defects, I say quirks. 

No one comes out of this without defects, it's more of a matter of synergy. 

I am talking about things that do not flip your switches, some thing are also pluses for me when they should not be. (Neediness, trauma etc)

Makes sense, you both relate to it and it works as a security blanket for your insecurities. 

No one's perfect, it's more about how much you can stand in relation to how much you're getting out of it. 

They will think of what they could have / get instead of you, you are the secure safe convenience, not the hard to reach juicy apple.

This more betrays your desire for the chase, that's not really me. 

As long as you are ok with being the practical choice rather than the emotional choice, I don't see the issue either. 

I dunno man, it looks to me like you worry about them leaving you to the point of causing them to leave if not otherwise prompting you to beat them to the punch by pushing yourself to leave them first or turn them into something less desirable to help soften your attachment, while my lack of worrying about it has led to long-lasting relationships where they seemingly come to me instead. 

I don't expect them to leave, and admittedly when it happens I've not taken that shit well at all, but I see people more often than not jinxing their relationships over their own pre-existing insecurities. 

step 2: understand that they are not unique 

Relatively speaking they kinda are. 

So is everyone.

While generally true, whoever you dated in a serious sense will hold a more distinctive place in your mind, every little feature magnified by comparison to some everyman. Them doing something 2% differently from another will mean more from how much that difference has imprinted onto you, over how likely you are to notice that how others do it isn't like how they did it. 

It's a matter of sentimentality. 

Maybe it's a matter of me but, every person I date is someone I can never find again and that is unlike anyone else, until I meet someone else. It is true that some people have distinguished features, but then others have things that fulfill you in a certain way etc.

I still find my past partners distinctive compared to others I've met or otherwise dated/had flings with. They always bring something a little bit different to the table when you really get to know them. 

It's enough to make one sonder: 

I think it's good to stay excited about the potential things you can find in someone new.

While I agree in general, I also see no reason to rush it, nor no reason to find that appetite in other ways when within a good thing. 

It's good to know your options, but it's also good to see how much what you already have is worth. 

Almightyjim said:

They will think of what they could have / get instead of you, you are the secure safe convenience, not the hard to reach juicy apple.

I said this earlier:

Pinocchio said:

IMHO srs psychoanalysis with no ill intent, I think he ignores people because he learned it in a youtube video for picking up chicks and it worked once or twice.

Lmfao.

I know you won't listen to me, but I'm saying this for your own good: It doesn't work. It's in your head Jimmy.

Turncoat said: 

AlmightyJim said: 

I try to remain friends with my exes, and have a dating history with each of them spanning minimum one year. Re-dating makes sense, especially if what we split up over in the first place doesn't last. 

How do you tell the difference between "I went around and you are the best" and "I went around and you are the only one who'd have me"?

By paying attention to them.

If it's not otherwise obvious through their displays of attachment or their body language and moods, it's likely to be embedded in the things they find themselves talking about. I personally see it more about learning the individual's patterns for gauging if they're settling or actually into it, though. 

Those I've been with never really struggled to get dates, and my masochism and personality didn't seem to be quick to replace. It's led to a history of exes becoming friends with benefits, and from our former time spent together we already know the things the other likes with a practiced hand for it. I never really had to question if I was 'the best', it's more been about seeing what remains when the honeymoon phase fades, with at most room to compare from hearing hilarious horror stories about people they tried to be with who 'couldn't take the pain' like I could. 

When it comes to my finding an other, it's about finding a life partner, or at least someone to coexist with, rather than a distraction from my own loneliness. I want someone I can learn and read into while they do it back at me rather than see them purely as a utility, the 'human interest' angle. 

Making yourself irreplaceable by becoming the best punching bag one can be, quite the alpha doormat you are.

First, it shows that you are a revolving door and easy access, it also betrays lack of options.

I'd figure that it'd demonstrate attachment, issues with letting go, moreso than a lack of options. I usually get 'lack of option' vibes more from people who have no one. 

It signals to them that they are the best you can get, which makes them think if they can do better, even if it's not so.

So... your angle is to have them never question if they could do better? That question is inevitable, what matters is how they answer that question. 

The answer is greatly dependent on your availability and ability to replace them too, we are hardwired to make emotional value decisions, humans devalue what they have in hand. 

When you both have the room (and ability) to date other people before considering coming back to each other, it shows that both people are not otherwise without the means of supply, that it's not just thirst solely. Rather than it showing that it's the 'best they can get', it's demonstrating them making a choice over others they could be with. 

Long term relationships tend to be about what you can keep in hand vs what you aimed for, except for certain occassions, like when you shoot above your league and manage to land. and you can never fully discern the reason your partner came back. Who knows, maybe they found something more exciting / attractive but they could not capture that one, so they settled for you. Or not. But you can't tell 100% 

Someone else can appear better than you just by being less invested than you are.

Yet the good listener seems to have the advantage, as long as their thirst doesn't betray them ala 'nice guys'. 

Genuine investment is the gold standard, while playing the game of investment as a means of trade or manipulation will typically have less longevity. People like to feel heard, especially if they aren't used to it. 

Attachment theory and anecdotal evidence might beg to differ. How many girls are crying to their listening best friend about their asshole bf who does not care and never listens? 

I am sure you were a pretty good listener before the day you were walking on the bridge looking to jump cuz crow left. She was flirting with all of us, which in my mind it means that she was looking something for another type of fulfillment, listening and caring did not cut it.

Second, it is not going to have the same taste as you both have met other people (hopefully) and you will see each other's defects even more now.

You say defects, I say quirks. 

No one comes out of this without defects, it's more of a matter of synergy. 

I am talking about things that do not flip your switches, some thing are also pluses for me when they should not be. (Neediness, trauma etc)

Makes sense, you both relate to it and it works as a security blanket for your insecurities. 

No one's perfect, it's more about how much you can stand in relation to how much you're getting out of it. 

It's more as in the attachment / relationship does not feel as strong, as it is not familiar grounds.

They will think of what they could have / get instead of you, you are the secure safe convenience, not the hard to reach juicy apple.

This more betrays your desire for the chase, that's not really me. 

As long as you are ok with being the practical choice rather than the emotional choice, I don't see the issue either. 

I dunno man, it looks to me like you worry about them leaving you to the point of causing them to leave if not otherwise prompting you to beat them to the punch by pushing yourself to leave them first or turn them into something less desirable to help soften your attachment, while my lack of worrying about it has led to long-lasting relationships where they seemingly come to me instead. 

ngl when i saw "beating, punch" i thought to myself "here we go again"...but you are talking about something else ok

I have left people and been left but what I am more afraid of is not being special / loved to the person anymore, I have left people for months and to come back only to have a meltdown over them seeing to have gotten over me. Mine is more about watching them fall out of love / lose feelings instead of leaving. I'd rather have them leave forever knowing they still see me significant than to stay and to not put any value on me if it makes sense. 

I don't expect them to leave, and admittedly when it happens I've not taken that shit well at all, but I see people more often than not jinxing their relationships over their own pre-existing insecurities. 

 

While I agree in general, I also see no reason to rush it, nor no reason to find that appetite in other ways when within a good thing. 

It's good to know your options, but it's also good to see how much what you already have is worth. 

I am from  business and trading to just cut the ends loose and look for better deals, as that is a better investment/reward effort, I find that most people settle just because they are not sure if they can do better.

AlmightyJim said: 

Turncoat said: 

AlmightyJim said: 

I try to remain friends with my exes, and have a dating history with each of them spanning minimum one year. Re-dating makes sense, especially if what we split up over in the first place doesn't last. 

How do you tell the difference between "I went around and you are the best" and "I went around and you are the only one who'd have me"?

By paying attention to them.

If it's not otherwise obvious through their displays of attachment or their body language and moods, it's likely to be embedded in the things they find themselves talking about. I personally see it more about learning the individual's patterns for gauging if they're settling or actually into it, though. 

Those I've been with never really struggled to get dates, and my masochism and personality didn't seem to be quick to replace. It's led to a history of exes becoming friends with benefits, and from our former time spent together we already know the things the other likes with a practiced hand for it. I never really had to question if I was 'the best', it's more been about seeing what remains when the honeymoon phase fades, with at most room to compare from hearing hilarious horror stories about people they tried to be with who 'couldn't take the pain' like I could. 

When it comes to my finding an other, it's about finding a life partner, or at least someone to coexist with, rather than a distraction from my own loneliness. I want someone I can learn and read into while they do it back at me rather than see them purely as a utility, the 'human interest' angle. 

Making yourself irreplaceable by becoming the best punching bag one can be, quite the alpha doormat you are.

Being able to hurt someone with no strings attached has proven a hard freedom for many to let go of once they get used to it. 😈

I'm also lucky (in some ways anyway) to have been born like this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Algolagnia

First, it shows that you are a revolving door and easy access, it also betrays lack of options.

I'd figure that it'd demonstrate attachment, issues with letting go, moreso than a lack of options. I usually get 'lack of option' vibes more from people who have no one. 

It signals to them that they are the best you can get, which makes them think if they can do better, even if it's not so.

So... your angle is to have them never question if they could do better? That question is inevitable, what matters is how they answer that question. 

The answer is greatly dependent on your availability and ability to replace them too, we are hardwired to make emotional value decisions, humans devalue what they have in hand. 

Instincts within the 'grass is greener' notion or not, people will push through those urges if you're otherwise worth it. While people have a sense of needing to seek novelty, many are also sentimental if not fearful of change, and the longer the relationship lasts the more sunken investment they find themselves in. 

 you can never fully discern the reason your partner came back.

Wait why not?

People can't help but spout about what's going on with them in some shape or form once you've cultivated an environment of open and honest communication. When both partners are used to unrestricted banter, the shift towards needing to keep a secret will be overtly jarring and, in time, they likely will want to discuss it to air it out in hopes of things returning to normal. 

Just don't keep personal secrets from them if you want to avoid the lifestyle habits that follow it, it's that easy. I've been able to have discussions over my and their exes openly, as well as partners we're with while we're single and just friends (or in cases with some exes now, hearing about their husbands). 

Who knows, maybe they found something more exciting / attractive but they could not capture that one, so they settled for you. Or not. But you can't tell 100% 

Even if that's the case, I don't really need to beyond at most ego bullshit and the attempt to further recognize patterns. 

They're with me for the time being, we're (hopefully) having a good time, and time will give the next attempt new wings if not at least prove to have not been a waste of time. 

Someone else can appear better than you just by being less invested than you are.

Yet the good listener seems to have the advantage, as long as their thirst doesn't betray them ala 'nice guys'. 

Genuine investment is the gold standard, while playing the game of investment as a means of trade or manipulation will typically have less longevity. People like to feel heard, especially if they aren't used to it. 

Attachment theory and anecdotal evidence might beg to differ. How many girls are crying to their listening best friend about their asshole bf who does not care and never listens? 

Is that best friend a 'nice guy'? Does he shower? Is he holding onto petty entitlement feelings that tinge the entire relationship? Is there communicative reciprocity going on, or is he purely just Mr. 'uh huh'? 

Has the good listener tried ghosting to see what happens as a confidence flex, a demonstration of value, or did said good listener pussy out from thinking they'd lose even having 'this much' if they overstep? 

It's about confidence. 

I am sure you were a pretty good listener before the day you were walking on the bridge looking to jump cuz crow left.

Bridge? 

I think you might be mixing me up with someone else, if not some details to the stories. 

She was flirting with all of us, which in my mind it means that she was looking something for another type of fulfillment, listening and caring did not cut it.

Yet half a decade down the line we're still together with no mishaps beyond the temporary. 🤷 As two points of contention: 

A) What relationship doesn't have lapses in it's stability? Do you just leave a relationship the minute it feels rocky, or do you try to repair it from it having once felt worth it before with hopes for the future? 

B) What's wrong with some flirty language? I utilize it too, it's fun and effective for it's room to be playful and pull at people's will. Would you censor your partner's freedoms like that just for some peace of mind, a security blanket for your abandonment issues? 

Second, it is not going to have the same taste as you both have met other people (hopefully) and you will see each other's defects even more now.

You say defects, I say quirks. 

No one comes out of this without defects, it's more of a matter of synergy. 

I am talking about things that do not flip your switches, some thing are also pluses for me when they should not be. (Neediness, trauma etc)

Makes sense, you both relate to it and it works as a security blanket for your insecurities. 

No one's perfect, it's more about how much you can stand in relation to how much you're getting out of it. 

It's more as in the attachment / relationship does not feel as strong, as it is not familiar grounds.

Do you see relationships like a rapid bell curve, rather than a series of peaks and valleys? 

Do you feel less in control once things enter the unfamiliar, or is it when they get too familiar with you? 

They will think of what they could have / get instead of you, you are the secure safe convenience, not the hard to reach juicy apple.

This more betrays your desire for the chase, that's not really me. 

As long as you are ok with being the practical choice rather than the emotional choice, I don't see the issue either. 

I dunno man, it looks to me like you worry about them leaving you to the point of causing them to leave if not otherwise prompting you to beat them to the punch by pushing yourself to leave them first or turn them into something less desirable to help soften your attachment, while my lack of worrying about it has led to long-lasting relationships where they seemingly come to me instead. 

ngl when i saw "beating, punch" i thought to myself "here we go again"...but you are talking about something else ok

I have left people and been left but what I am more afraid of is not being special / loved to the person anymore

Does this capacity to seem special to them correlate at all with the 'Honeymoon Phase'? 

Relationships chill out and mature into more of a roommate-like co-existence overtime, if given the room to. 

I have left people for months and to come back only to have a meltdown over them seeing to have gotten over me.

That means you were bringing expectations to the table, rather than seeing what's left post-honeymoon phase. Have you tried not melting down and instead becoming their buddy? 

Being mature about others moving on's a way to give them the room to gravitate back towards you. There is power in the familiar, and in their feeling like you 'get them', especially if you hit deeper chords than the people they look into after you. 

If you're trying to do the whole 'availability jealousy' angle, hanging around exes can have nasty effects on insecure partners. 

Mine is more about watching them fall out of love / lose feelings instead of leaving. I'd rather have them leave forever knowing they still see me significant than to stay and to not put any value on me if it makes sense. 

So you see them falling out of infatuation as losing interest entirely? 

Have you never seen a flame rekindle before without desperation and thirst being the cause? 

I don't expect them to leave, and admittedly when it happens I've not taken that shit well at all, but I see people more often than not jinxing their relationships over their own pre-existing insecurities. 

Maybe it's a matter of me but, every person I date is someone I can never find again and that is unlike anyone else, until I meet someone else.

You also kinda look at women as a series of stats though (within the range of your idealism while it's in full swing), so they're probably as replaceable to you as getting a new car. 

I see people like novels, no two books penned are the same even if they go over similar themes and genres. 

It is true that some people have distinguished features, but then others have things that fulfill you in a certain way etc.

What about you do you see as irreplaceable to other people? 

While I agree in general, I also see no reason to rush it, nor no reason to find that appetite in other ways when within a good thing. 

It's good to know your options, but it's also good to see how much what you already have is worth. 

I am from  business and trading to just cut the ends loose and look for better deals, as that is a better investment/reward effort, I find that most people settle just because they are not sure if they can do better.

I mean why do better if what you have's already good enough?