don't shove that no risk no reward bull shit in my face you think I don't know that? psh.
go away
blanc stated: source post
I'm not angry, leave me the fuck alone
You sound rather angry, blanc.
I hope you come over it.
It's been a rough week.... let's see.. thursday was an off day because I didn't have my drugs. Nearly had a nervous break down. I'd been going nonstop for several days straight, hardly enough time to eat and shower, had very little sleep. so thursday i was late to my meeting, and looked like shit. i was a little bit of a nervous wreck because at lunch i was going to meet someone who i'd been working so incredibly hard, to impress at this meeting.
so during the first meeting, i realized i didn't bring my computer (which was very stupid) so without thinking I grabbed someone's pen that was in front of me and they just looked at me like 'what the fuck are you doing' and i said "uh I need this." she rolled her eyes at me. I've only been working with her a week and I can tell she kind of hates me. The rest of the meeting she was asking me questions, expecting my feed back. But I was feeling anti social, and without the help of drugs, I could hardly look up from the notebook. I just didn't want to. So my responses were mumbled, short and sparse. Finally she put her hand on my notebook and said, "do you even care about this." and I just looked at her, "what are you my ex girlfriend?" and she slid back into her chair. "i'm most certainly not." "well you act like it." and then I went back to the notebook, rattling off my questions for her. I started my next question standard procedure and she said, "you're only 22 right?" i said mhm and she said, "you've got a lot to learn." and picked up her purse and walked out the door. the person who was with her said, "sorry." and then followed her. my coworker put down the cords she was fumbling with and looked at me like a deer in head lights. i clicked the pen shut and then went out the door to stop her from leaving, and had to grovel. so our meeting ran a little later than planned.
i was already exhausted and stressed, and now running late to my next meeting. these buildings are often discreet and very difficult to find. i didn't have time to stop and get my drugs in-between like i had planned. i just really wanted to go home and sleep. it took me a long ass time to find this fucking place. it is times like this that make me hate not having a mother. i was so stressed, i just wanted to call her and have her calm me down. i had parked and was on foot, lost as shit, looking for this goddamn building. i passed by someone arguing on their phone with their girlfriend- i could tell by what he was saying. and it reminded me of arguments with my ex girlfriend... i ran in one of the buildings and asked someone at a front desk if they knew where the building was I was looking for and they were of no help. i said, "thanks." and then went out the door, and i don't know why but i just swung open the door so hard i may of broken it. I didn't look back so I don't know. people standing on the street jumped when the doors hinges made a popping sound.
i started cursing to myself under my breath, my body felt heavy... finally i found it, i was sweating. the man at the front desk patted me down, made me turn my cellphone and took my bag and phone, and he ran my ID. he confirmed the appointment and escorted me to the room. i sat down and gathered my thoughts. someone poured me a drink and i acted like i didn't need it. then he left the room and i chugged it.
the meeting went really well, all my hard work this past month has paid off. i shook his hand and left the room. when i got to the elevator i leaned my head against the buttons, i was worried i was going to pass out right then and there- i felt so incredibly weak. i got all my stuff back and when i finally got back to my car i realized a bird had pooped right on my door. i thought "of course." i slung my bag into the car and everything spilled out all over the passengers seat, and i just didn't even bother to clean it all up.
i nearly slammed into someone shuffling through all my shit trying to find my cigarettes. i finally was able to get my drugs and then i went to work... for about four hours. my coworkers were in the other room hating on the millennial generation, arguing which sucked more- the baby boomers or the millennials. i honestly believe that artists are this generations only 'salvation'- but, perhaps it's because i kind of am one. we're just laying the foundation for a new age essentially.
anyways so after that i went out with someone, i really wanted to go home but he insisted. we were walking in the street and he said, "for a long time i was scared to talk to you." i said why and his answer was longer than expected. "you're always on your phone. you don't even look anyone in the eye. it's like you're in your own little world. it's weird, most people want to interact, but you seem to have no desire to." and i said, "yeah i'm working on it. "
and then he said, "you're just so closed off. so people think you're unapproachable or stuck up." and then i interrupted him, "i'm really not, i'm just boring." he said, "it always seems like you have something on your mind.. like right now. what are you thinking about."
"i'm just thinking about food."
"really."
"yeah, i'm starving."
later that night i came home and as i came in the door i came unravelled. i leaned into my bed and stood there crying.
it's easy to blame it on drugs and alcohol but, i know that was real. that pain was really there. i just can't feel it most of the time.
it was brief, but for those few moments i was back in my old house, sitting on the edge of my creaky mattress while my mother lay dead in the other room. for a brief moment i was sitting on the edge of where i lived at university, cheating on my girlfriend with some girl covered in tattoos i don't even remember the significance of. sitting on the edge of the couch i sat on while i yelled at my girlfriend with the back of my hand to my chest. for a moment i was sitting on the ledge of a very high building, my feet hanging off over the city. i thought about the cigarette i shared with someone i loved on that very same ledge. someone who is gone.
they're all gone.
and then the pain was gone. i tried to refuse the blankness. i wanted to let myself feel it. i hadn't really cried like that in years. i am so sick of not being able to, after this recent break up. i want to cry, i want to grieve. i want to feel it. but i can't.
i couldn't retrieve the feeling once it fled from me. and i was left, blank, and numb. again.
as i always am....
Prince stated: source post
You sound rather angry, blanc.
I hope you come over it.
judge all you wannnnnt
yeah, i'm so poetic. clearly. and i am so entertaining. i was born to be your entertainment by the way. i don't know if you know but, my existence, and this thread, was all created to serve you. and my ultimate goal, turkey, is to please you and, just you. not anyone else. i didn't make this thread for any other possible reason i don't write, ever, for any reason, other than to entertain you
and i try so, so hard to make it all so good because i care so so much. about what you think of me. and my little journal ramblings. i really do.