Sociopath Community

Sounds pretty disturbing...

I had one that really back last fall. Meant to post it in the dreams thread but forgot.

In the dream I was looking in a mirror and admiring myself. A feeling of what I thought to be love flowed through me. I thought "Why not? If anyone deserves my love, it's definitely me." I decided to hug my reflection, dropping to my knees on the floor and wrapping my arms around the mirror. I turned my face to look at the eyes of my reflection. They were cold and dead. There was no love in them. There was nothing. Empty.

I scuddled backwards on the floor to get away from it, but the eyes of my own reflection followed me and the reflection itself did not mimic my actions. It just sat there coldly staring with dead eyes. I could not avoid it. I thought to myself that this couldn't be me, this corpse-like thing I was seeing. The reflection sat unmoving, unfeeling and just staring. It was dead, empty and there was no way to escape it.

I don't think I experienced it in the traditional definition of "fear" but more of a concern that I had, which yes might in and of itself prove that I'm not empty. However, at the time I was, and still do to an extent, operating on a very basic level. This led to obvious concerns to look deeper. Initially, looking deeper did cause more feelings of emptiness to increase in frequency. 

BTW, I have one more psych appointment coming up and have been told that I may take a break from treatment after this.

Its scary to go somewhere without knowing what you will find.

Praying to myself//meditating has always been a way to set goal and priorities and gives me incredible focus. I connect with all the feelings, evaluate their usefulness, set order and come out clean.

Thank you for always being there for me. <3

Since the night terrors stopped, i have a few repetitious nightmare's.

My most recurrent is drowning, but i haven't drowned for a while.

I have the HR Giger aliens as a recurrent threat in an uncountable number of my nightmares.

One vivid nightmare was me and my mother travelling by bus.

The bus went off road and entered a lake.

I was drowning again but i couldn't save her.

She drowned with me.